A Deep Dark Secret (11 page)

J
ILLIAN STEPPED AWAY FROM THE BUS AND ONTO THE SIDEWALK
and waved good-bye to a girl in her math class. She lived only three blocks from where she was standing, and she couldn’t wait to get home to see how Nikki was doing.

But as she strolled closer and closer to her house, suddenly her heart beat wildly and her stomach twirled briskly. Her father’s SUV was sitting in the driveway, and already she had a bad feeling about it. Although, maybe he’d simply dropped by to pick up Layla for a little while or maybe pick up more of his belongings.

Jillian walked a few more feet into the driveway and into the garage, which was open, and went inside. She looked around but when she didn’t see or hear anyone down on the first floor, she went upstairs and saw that her parents’ bedroom door was shut. This made her even more nervous, so she went into her own room, thinking Nikki would be there waiting. But she wasn’t.

Next, Jillian went into Layla’s room as well, but she wasn’t anywhere to be found either. However, as soon as she headed back toward her own room, her mother opened the door to hers and walked out into the hallway with a robe on. Jillian wasn’t sure what to say, but she knew what her mother and father had probably been in there doing. Especially since her mother had closed their bedroom door right behind her and her hair was scattered out of place.

“Oh, hi, sweetie,” she said, acting as though she was a bit self-conscious. “I thought I heard someone come up the stairs, but I didn’t know you’d made it home already. How was your day?”

“It was okay. But where’s Nikki?”

“Well, when I first picked her up, she seemed fine, but as we drove away from the school, she started crying and wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. So, I called her mother, and she ended up having to leave work after all to come get her.”

“How long was she here?”

“Maybe an hour at the most.”

“Where’s Layla?”

“I asked Mom to pick her up for me so that your dad and I could have some time to talk. He left work early today.”

“Oh,” Jillian responded, and then started back toward her room.

“Jill, honey, wait. Remember when I said to you this morning that everything was going to be fine?”

“Yes.”

“Well, it really is. Your father and I still have to work some things out, but we decided that we can’t do that if we’re separated. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair to you and Layla if we split up without
even trying to fix this problem we’re having. Your dad made a mistake, but he’s very sorry about it.”

What Jillian wanted to tell her was that she’d heard their whole conversation last night and that she knew his so-called
mistake
had been his having sex with an eighteen-year-old. She wanted to tell her that he’d done everything but go all the way with her, too—her own twelve-year-old daughter. But she didn’t.

“Are you hungry?” her mother asked.

“No.”

“Well, I’ll be going down to cook something in a little while.”

“I have homework to do anyway.”

“Okay, then you go ahead, and I’ll let you know when dinner is ready.”

Jillian was heartbroken. How could her mom be so okay with what her father had done to her? With what he’d done to their marriage? And why was she acting as if his having an affair wasn’t all that bad? Jillian couldn’t believe her mother had allowed him to come back so quickly and that she even had a peaceful smile on her face. As a matter of fact, she seemed almost relieved about the entire situation.

Jillian plopped down on her bed and felt even more trapped than she had in the past, because if her father could outright admit that he’d been having sex with a teenager and then sway her mom back into bed with him less than twenty-four hours later, there was surely no hope of her mother ever believing Jillian over her father. She realized, once again, that her father continued to be right about her mother and how if Jillian ever told her mother
anything, it would be her word against his and that her mother would always side with him.

Jillian walked into her closet, removed five shoe boxes stacked on top of one another, and pulled her journal from a sixth one. Then, after replacing the boxes back, she went over to her bed, turned on her television, and wrote the first words.

Jillian wrote a while longer and then thought about Nikki. She so wanted to call and check on her but now that Nikki was on punishment, she doubted that Miss G would let her talk to
her. So, she decided to sign on to AOL to see if maybe Nikki had by chance snuck online, and thankfully she had. Jillian smiled and clicked her mouse inside the narrow box to the right, and an instant message window opened. Jillian’s screen name was Jillian22, and while both she and Nikki had signed up on the same day and had planned all along to choose screen names as close to the same as possible, neither of them had any idea what was so special about the number 22, but since Nikki had insisted on how cool it sounded, they’d gone with it.

Jillian22: Hey, Nik. How are you? Mom said you were really upset this afternoon.

Nikki22: I was but I’m okay now.

Jillian22: What was wrong?

Nikki22: I couldn’t stop thinking about Marcus and how mean he was to me. And then I kept thinking about what everyone else was saying too.

Jillian22: They’re all wrong for acting this way and I hate that they’re doing this to you.

Nikki22: I don’t want to go back there. But my mom says that I made my own bed and now I have to lie in it. She’s so mad at me.

Jillian22: I could tell this morning.

Nikki22: Jill, what am I going to do?

Jillian22: I don’t know.

Nikki22: I’m so embarrassed about everything.

Jillian wondered if this was a good time to ask her about those terrible things Marcus had said about her today, the part about her
being broken in and wide open. More than anything, she still wondered why Nikki hadn’t told her about being with some other boy.

Nikki22: Hey, I have to go.

Jillian22: OK. And, Nik, things will be better tomorrow. You’ll see.

Nikki22: I hope so.

Jillian browsed through some of the headline news stories AOL had posted and then picked up the phone and called her grandparents and Layla.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Grandma, how are you?”

“I’m fine, Jill. How are you?”

“I’m good. And how is Grandpa?”

“He’s doing well, too, and Miss Layla has him in the den watching some show on Disney.”

Jillian laughed. “That figures. She makes everyone watch that channel.”

“That she does. So, how’s Nikki doing? Your mom told me all about her little situation.”

“She’s okay, I guess, but the kids at school won’t stop attacking her. They keep saying such hurtful things.”

“That’s really too bad. Nikki shouldn’t have done what she did, but those boys are just as much at fault.”

“I know, but nobody’s saying anything bad about them. They’re all talking bad about Nikki.”

“How sad. But you know, Nikki has always been a little on the grown side. She’s always been much too fast for her age, and
when you’re fast like that, boys are quick to take advantage of it.”

“I guess.”

“It’s the truth, and your grandfather and I were just talking yesterday and saying how proud we are of you and how you always carry yourself. You’ve always been a very caring and obedient child with a good heart, and those are the things that will make life good for you when you get older. Keep your innocence, Jill, until you’re old enough to fall in love and get married. Don’t ever let anyone take that away from you while you’re a child, because it’s just not worth it. There’s nothing wrong with waiting and nothing wrong with doing exactly what the Bible teaches us to do.”

“I know, Grandma,” Jillian said, and like every other time when the subject of sex came up, she thought about her father. She thought about all the fondling, all the oral sex he’d made her give him, and even about the naked pictures he’d taken of her against her will. She thought about every single incident and was deeply ashamed of herself.

“So, do you want to speak to Layla?”

“Yes, and then I’ll speak to Grandpa.”

“Actually, Layla was asking if you were going to spend the night here as well.”

“I wish I could but I need to use my computer for my homework. I don’t have a lot but it’ll still take me a couple of hours or so.”

“Oh well, then I guess that’s out, because this old thing your grandfather and I have over here is about as slow as a turtle.”

“Actually, it’s worse than that, Grandma,” Jillian said, and they both chuckled.

Jillian chatted with Layla, who still begged her to come spend the night with her, and then Jillian talked with her grandfather.
Jillian missed Layla whenever she wasn’t at home, and if Layla was going to stay at their grandparents’ again tomorrow night, Jillian would have her mom take her there right after school was out. Actually, now that her father was back, and seemingly for good, she wished she and Layla could stay with her grandparents indefinitely.

After another half hour passed, Jillian decided to call Kyle. Yes, her father didn’t want her talking to him, but it wasn’t like he was going to find out anyway. Right now, he was much too busy begging her mother to forgive him, so who she called on the phone was the very least of his concerns.

“I thought maybe you changed your mind,” Kyle said as soon as he answered.

“I was online with Nikki and then I called my grandparents and my little sister.”

“Oh. So, what’s up with your girl?”

“Not much. But she’s already dreading coming to school in the morning, and I don’t blame her.”

“This whole thing is wack, if you ask me, and Marcus is on a straight rampage. I mean, he treats plenty of girls like dogs, but this is the worst I’ve ever seen it. And a lot of this is Nikki’s fault.”

Jillian didn’t like the idea of him placing most of the responsibility on her friend. “Why do you say that?”

“Because it was one thing for her to do it with him the first time he asked her, but to give it up to three dudes all at one time, well, that was just crazy.”

Jillian didn’t want to talk badly about Nikki, but she couldn’t deny how much she agreed with Kyle.

“I just hope all of this dies down soon, because if it doesn’t,
I’m not sure how Nikki’ll be able to handle it. She’s so sad and so upset, and she hated being at school today.”

“It’ll all pass eventually, but with this kind of stuff it’s hard to say when. I’m just surprised at how both of you could be best friends for so long and yet be so different.”

Jillian defended their relationship. “The reason I’m friends with her is because she’s a good person. And I can trust her with my life.”

“I guess.”

“I’m serious. Nikki would do anything for me, and I would do the same for her. We love each other like sisters.”

“And there’s nothing wrong with that, but I gotta tell you, I’m glad I started talking to you and not her, because your girl, Nikki, is out there. She’s wild, and she’s a big liar.”

“What did she lie about?”

“Being a virgin. I mean, wasn’t she smart enough to know that you can’t hide somethin’ like that? Because even when we were leaving practice this afternoon, Marcus was still talking about how easy it was for him to get inside her. He said there was no struggle or tightness at all. Not even a little.”

“I don’t wanna talk about this anymore,” she said, but wondered the same thing she had earlier: Why hadn’t Nikki told her about this other boy she’d done it with? They told each other everything…well, almost everything. But not once had Nikki ever mentioned having sex before she’d had it with Marcus.

“Fine. Let’s talk about us then. Let’s talk about when you’re going to let me kiss you again.”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, whenever it happens, I hope you like it a lot better than
you did the night of the dance, and we definitely have to make sure your dad is nowhere around, because that dude is scary. Maybe we could do it at school.”

“Maybe.”

“I’ll let you know where before lunch.”

“Okay. But hey, I’d better go so I can get started on my homework.”

“Me too. I’ll see you at your locker before first hour, though.”

“Talk to you later.”

Jillian hung up the phone and pulled out her math book, but to her regret, her father knocked on her door and then came in before she could say anything.

“Your mother just went down to start dinner,” he said, closing her door behind him.

Jillian said nothing.

“I know you’re probably upset with me so I just wanted to come and tell you how sorry I am. I’m sorry about the terrible mistake I made and I promise you, I’ll never cause problems for our family again. I’ve prayed and asked God to forgive me, and I know He already has.”

Jillian still didn’t speak.

“I could never take being away from you and Layla, and I can’t even imagine what I would do if you and I couldn’t spend time together anymore. But thank God, everything is good now, and we’ll never have to worry about that. Our lives will be back to normal in no time.