A Deep Dark Secret (12 page)

Jillian just stared at him, but he walked closer to where she was sitting and stroked her hair from front to back.

“I love you so, so much.”

His voice sounded too serious, and Jillian’s nerves raced chaotically. She’d heard him say these words many times before, but today, he spoke in the same way husbands speak to their wives.

“You’re so precious and so very special to me,” he said, smiling, and Jillian wanted him to leave.

“Byron, honey, can you come down here for a minute?” she heard her mother yelling from downstairs.

Her father looked at her strangely and then moved hastily toward the door and opened it. “Sure, baby. Is something wrong?”

“I need you to come take a look at one of the burners on the stove because it’s not lighting up properly.”

“I’ll be right there,” he said, and then turned back to Jillian. “You’d better get back to your schoolwork, and I’ll see you downstairs later.”

Jillian watched him exit her room and wished he would drop dead.

I
T WAS AMAZING HOW THINGS COULD CHANGE SO DRASTICALLY
in only a three-week period. Jillian’s father hadn’t made her perform even one sexual deed for him, and she couldn’t have been more relieved. She was sure this was all simply a result of his spending every free moment he had with her mother and his behaving as though they were on a second honeymoon, but she was happy nonetheless. Interestingly enough, her mother was happy, too—thrilled was more like it—and she acted as if her husband hadn’t even had an affair. She acted as if he’d been completely faithful to her since the very first day she’d met him and like their marriage was perfect.

But not everyone was feeling so blissful. At first, it had seemed as though Nikki was going to be okay, especially since the rumors and ridiculing had ended almost completely after the first week. However, as the days had gone on, Nikki had slipped into what
Miss G had described to Jillian’s mom as “a severe state of depression” and had taken too many of her mother’s sleeping pills. Miss G had found Nikki unconscious in her bedroom, and while Jillian didn’t know all the facts, what she did know was that the doctors had been forced to pump her stomach and that she’d been admitted to the hospital. She’d been there for a whole fourteen days now, but Jillian hadn’t seen Nikki or spoken to her yet because her doctor didn’t want her having too many visitors. The good news, though, was that Miss G had promised Jillian she would pick her up this weekend to go see her, and Jillian couldn’t wait. She missed talking to Nikki, and she wanted to be there for her. She wanted to let her know that she was still her best friend and that she would help her in any way she could.

Although that would all depend on whether Jillian got caught doing what she was getting ready to do with Kyle right now. She wasn’t sure why she’d let him talk her into slipping outside the school building during their lunch hour, but that’s exactly what they’d done only a few minutes ago, and already Jillian was regretting it.

“Why are you acting so nervous?”

“Because. You know we’re not supposed to be out here, and if someone finds out about it, we’ll be suspended. Plus, it’s cold.”

“One of my boys is gonna text me as soon as it’s safe for us to come back in, so it’ll be fine. He’ll be texting me in a few minutes, though, so we’d better hurry up.”

Jillian braced herself, and Kyle gently eased her body against the light tan brick building. Then he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her. She kissed him back and all was well for the first twenty seconds or so, but then her father’s face flashed
through her mind, live and in vivid color. She saw his face as clearly as if he were standing right in front of her, and she shoved Kyle away from her again, the same as she’d done just a few weeks ago.

Kyle frowned immediately. “Girl, what in the world is wrong with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Then, why do you keep doing that?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Look, Jill, if you don’t want to be my girl, then I wish you would just say it and stop playing all these childish games.”

“I’m not playing games. I just—”

“Whatever,” he said, interrupting her and pulling out his vibrating phone. “That’s him, so let’s just go before we end up in trouble.”

“Now, what are you two doing out here in the middle of the school day?” a tall, wavy-haired officer said in a deep voice.

“Nothing,” Kyle lied.

“And what about you, young lady? Were you doing nothing, too?”

“Yes. I mean, no, we were just talking.”

“And you couldn’t just
talk
in the cafeteria?”

Jillian felt like the entire world was coming to an end—at least her own personal world anyway—especially if her mother was going to be notified about this.

“What are your names?” the officer asked.

“Jillian Maxwell.”

“Kyle Davis.”

“Mayhorne,” the officer called out to one of the other police
men on his two-way pager. “This is Scott. Hey, let Principal Meyers know that I’m on my way in with two truants,” he said, and recited both their identities.

Truants?
Jillian thought. Was he serious? They were only standing just outside the building and were nowhere near away from school grounds, so what was he talking about?

“Let’s go, you two. Now.”

Kyle looked just as terrified as she was, and all she could think was how this was the first time she’d ever been ordered to the principal’s office for breaking any rules.

As soon as they walked inside Mrs. Meyers’s office, she closed the door and told both of them to have a seat. Officer Scott sat adjacent to them.

“So, what is this all about?” she asked, leaning back in her chair.

Kyle cleared his throat. “We were just talking.”

“Okay, but why were you outside when you know you’re not supposed to leave from inside the school during lunch or class time?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “But, Mrs. Meyers, I promise it’ll never happen again.”

“No, I’m sure it won’t. But you do know that the district’s latest discipline code states that when a student leaves the building or a classroom without permission, I have the authority to place you on in-school suspension, right?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Jillian nodded her head in agreement as well. She knew all about this brand-new policy, because she’d heard about other kids sneaking out and getting caught in one way or another. She
also knew the principal didn’t mind suspending people and even expelling them, because after Miss G had reported Marcus and his two friends, Mrs. Meyers had kicked Marcus out of school for ten days for participating in consensual sexual activities during a school-related event and told him he’d be expelled if he did anything else. He’d tried denying the whole thing, claiming Nikki had lied on him, but with all the boasting he’d done to everyone, it hadn’t been hard to find kids who were glad to tell what they knew, including Jillian.

Mrs. Meyers continued. “I also have the right to do nothing at all, but just so we make sure the two of you never do something like this again, I want both of you to report to the in-school suspension room first thing tomorrow morning. You’ll only be in there for one full day, but I’ll also be calling your parents to inform them about it.”

Jillian wept silently.

“And one more thing,” Mrs. Meyers said. “From the looks of your files, neither of you has been in any trouble before, so that’s even more reason why I have to impose at least some sort of discipline. You are both good kids, and we want you to stay that way from now on.”

Jillian wept audibly this time. She wept, because she knew the punishment Mrs. Meyers had just given them would be nothing compared to her mother’s.

J
ILLIAN RUSHED INSIDE THE HOUSE, DROPPED HER SHOULDER
bag and backpack, and went over to the kitchen phone. She scrolled through the Caller ID and to her dismay, Mrs. Meyers had already tried calling her parents. Thankfully, neither of them was home yet, and she had a mind to erase the number from every phone they had and then dial into the voice mail system to delete whatever message her principal had left. For as long as Jillian could remember, her mom hadn’t seen a need to give Jillian their system’s password, mainly because she didn’t think children had any reason to check grown people’s messages, but about a year ago, Jillian had overheard her mother and father joking about how silly it was to create a 1–2-3–4 password. They’d said it was so silly no one would ever think to guess it, and that this was precisely the point.

Jillian hurried from phone to phone, deleting her school’s
number from the various Caller ID screens, dialed into the voice mail system, and then waited to hear Mrs. Meyers’s voice. It was the first and only message that played, but strangely enough, the computerized voice didn’t say it was a
new
message. Still, Jillian deleted it and breathed a sigh of relief. She hated doing this kind of thing behind her mother’s back, but she just couldn’t see letting her mother find out about what she’d done earlier today, and she certainly didn’t want her knowing about that in-school suspension penalty.

Jillian grabbed a Granny Smith apple from the ceramic fruit bowl on the counter, pulled a bottle of water from the refrigerator, and ran upstairs. Today had turned out to be a lot better than she’d planned on, and now she could relax for a while and then do her homework.

As soon as she stretched across her bed, though, she heard the phone ringing and saw the words “Mitchell Memorial.” She smiled when she realized it must be Nikki calling.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Jill.”

“Hey, Nik. How are you?”

“Better.”

“I’m so glad to hear that.”

“I can’t talk very long but my doctor said I could make a couple of phone calls today, so you know I placed you at the top of my list.”

“I’ve really missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.”

“So, when will you get to come home?”

“Maybe in a couple of weeks or so, but I’m not sure.”

“Why so long?”

“Because I’m sick.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Jill, I’ve got some really serious emotional problems, and that’s why I’ve been so depressed. I’ve been depressed for a really long time, but the reason no one knew was because I learned a long time ago how to make everyone believe I was the happiest girl in the world.”

“But why?”

Nikki didn’t respond.

“Nik?”

“Yeah, I’m here…Jill, there’s something I need to tell you. Something I’d never told anyone until I started doing therapy with my doctor and then sharing with the other kids in my group session here at the hospital. It’s a special group for kids just like me.”

“What do you mean, kids like you?”

Nikki paused again.

“Nikki, please tell me what’s wrong,” Jillian said, afraid and almost in tears.

“Jill, my dad used to touch me in places he shouldn’t have. He started doing it when I was only five years old and maybe before that, but that’s as far back as I can remember. I remember those times pretty well because I can still see him touching me the day before I went to kindergarten. I remember him telling me that because I was starting school, I was a big girl now and that big girls got to do special things that little girls didn’t get to do.”

Jillian was mortified and totally shaken. “Oh my God, Nik.”

“But, Jill, he did a lot more than that by the time I was eight,
and that’s why Marcus kept telling everyone I wasn’t a virgin. He was telling the truth, but then when he and his teammates blurted out all that stuff in front of you that day your mom came to get me, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was so ashamed. I was sadder than I’d been in a long time, and I just wanted to die. I started thinking about every one of those times my father had made me have sex with him, and it was tearing me apart. I couldn’t pretend anymore, and that’s why I took those pills.”

“I’m so sorry, Nikki. I didn’t know.”

“My mom didn’t know either, but the best thing she could have done when I was ten was divorce my father. Because when she did, he never got to do that to me again. I always made her think that the reason I never wanted to go visit him was because I was mad at him for leaving us. So she never made me spend time with him, and he never complained about it.”

“Is that why you always said he was working whenever I asked about him?”

“Yep. But, Jill, there are so many other kids in my support group who’ve had the same things happen to them, too, and some are even boys. Our session is for both inpatient and outpatient children. And you know what?”

“What?”

“It really helps to talk about it, and I’m glad my mom finally knows.”

“Wow, what did she say?”

“At first she cried a lot, but then she got mad and said I was lying.”

“She doesn’t believe you?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I didn’t tell her about it until now. Then she said that the only reason I took those pills and made up such a big lie about my father was because I was embarrassed about having sex with those three boys. She said I was making up all these lies, just so I wouldn’t have to face all those kids at school anymore.”

“Gosh, Nik, it must be hard having her be so angry at you.”

“It is. It’s very hard. But I’m still glad I told her. And, actually, Jill, I would have told her a long time ago, but my father swore she would never believe me. He swore it all the time, and now I know he was right.”

Jillian sat thinking about her own father and how his words to her had always been very similar. But mostly she thought about Miss G and how her disbelief in Nikki offered even more proof that there was no use in Jillian telling anyone about anything. Miss G’s denial sadly confirmed that Jillian would have to continue letting her father do what he wanted to her.

“Well, I guess my time is almost up,” Nikki said. “But you’re still coming to see me this weekend, right?”

“Yep. I’m coming with your mom. I mean, she does still come visit you, doesn’t she?”

“Yeah, she comes. She doesn’t have a whole lot to say, but she still comes to check on me.”

“Then I’ll see you in a few days.”

“See you then. And I love you, Jill.”

“I love you, too, Nik.”

Jillian heard her best friend hanging up, and she pushed the end button on her cordless and set it down on her bed. A thousand thoughts circulated in her mind, but the one that stood out
the most was the fact that not once had Jillian ever suspected that Nikki’s father was doing such awful things to her and that he’d been having real sex with her. The whole idea of it was so unsettling, and if having sexual intercourse with her father was the reason Nikki had tried to take her own life, then Jillian had to make sure her father never got a chance to go that far with her. She remembered back to when all the touching and oral sex had made her want to end her life, too, but she also remembered how quickly she’d snapped out of that way of thinking—once she realized her baby sister would be her father’s next victim.

Jillian sat looking out of her window in a daze. That is, until she heard her father shouting her name and saw him storming into her room.

“I spoke with your principal about an hour ago.”

He was furious, and Jillian wondered how Mrs. Meyers had been able to get in touch with him since the school had never been in the habit of calling parents at work unless there was some sort of an emergency.

“Here I was making my normal afternoon call to check our home voice mail and then I hear this disturbing message from your principal. So, of course, when I called her back she told me everything. She told me all about you and that boy, Kyle.”

“We weren’t doing anything. And we were only out there for maybe five minutes.”

“You had sex with him, didn’t you?”

“No, Daddy. I swear.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“But I’m telling you the truth.”

“Did you kiss him again?”

“No.”

“Jillian, why are you lying?”

“I’m not.” She knew she was but she would never admit to him what really happened. Not this time.

“We didn’t kiss or do anything else.”

“I hate it when you lie like this. Especially when you don’t have to. Especially when all I want is the truth.”

His voice was a lot calmer, and Jillian didn’t know whether to feel relieved or afraid.

“Look, I’m sorry for getting so angry, but I just don’t like you sneaking around with this Kyle character. I don’t like what I know he’s trying to do with you,” he said, sitting down on the bed next to Jillian. “But the more I think about it, I’m starting to realize that maybe there’s only one way for you to forget about him.”

The odd look in his eyes unnerved Jillian, and she wondered what he was talking about.

“I mean, let’s face it, you’re a beautiful young lady and I guess you’re just a lot more curious about sex than I realized. But actually, princess, I totally understand, because now that your little friend, Nikki, has done it, maybe that’s why you’re wanting to do it as well. Which is fine, but this Kyle character isn’t experienced enough for you to be doing something like that with him. All he is is some little punk who would only hurt you, but I could show you just how special lovemaking is really supposed to be.”

Jillian’s heart pounded so heavily, she could hear it.

“Making love is the kind of thing that should only happen between two people who love each other. People who love each other the way you and I do.”

“But, Daddy, I’m not ready for anything like that. I won’t be
ready for a very long time, and I never wanted to do anything like that with Kyle either.”

“You keep saying that, but if that’s true, then why is this the second time you’ve been caught with him? I caught the two of you myself at the dance, and now some police officer caught you this afternoon.”

“But we weren’t doing anything.”

Her father chuckled like they were watching a sitcom. “Look, princess, whether you admit it or not, I know you’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about sex. You’ve been wanting to do it ever since Nikki did it with those three boys, haven’t you?”

“No. Having sex before you get married is wrong.”

“Not necessarily. Not if the two people doing it have a special kind of relationship and really care about each other.”

Jillian stood up, stepped toward her open doorway, and considered running out of it. But her father pulled her back onto the bed and held her arm.

“Look. If you make Daddy happy, your little problem at school can just be our little secret and your mother won’t ever have to find out about it. We can make each other happy, princess. So come on. Just lie down and relax.”

“No,” she said, jerking away from him and leaving the bed again. “Stop it.”

“I can’t believe you’re treating me this way when you were so willing to be with that Kyle. But then, maybe the reason you’re acting this way is because you’ve already had sex with him. Maybe I was right all along.”

“I did not! And please get out of my room. Please leave me alone, Daddy.”

Her father got up and walked over to where she was standing. “You’re really disappointing me, and you know I don’t like that. I don’t like how ungrateful you’re being when I do everything I can for you. I make sure your mom has enough money to buy you anything you want, and this is the thanks I get for it?”

No matter how many filthy and sinful things he’d made her do in the past—no matter how much she knew she had no choice but to continue letting him do them—she would
never
let him crawl into bed with her and force himself inside her. She would never let him violate her that way. So she backed away from him and then out of her room and ran down the staircase.

Her father called after her, but she ignored him and hurried into the kitchen.

He walked in right behind her. “Why are you all of a sudden acting like I’m the enemy? Like you hate me.”

“Daddy, why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Because I can’t,” he said, slowly walking toward her. “I’ve tried to love just your mom, but I can’t help how I feel about you. And before this silly boy came into the picture, you felt the same way about me. I know you did.”

Jillian backed into the sink.

“Princess, please just forget about that boy, and I’ll get you anything you want. I’ll do anything you ask because I just can’t stand the thought of you being with him. I told you before how jealous I was of him. I don’t want to be, princess, but I can’t help myself.”

“Daddy, please stop bothering me!” she screamed.

“Okay, okay. I’ll leave you alone if you’ll just give me a big hug. That’s all.”

Jillian didn’t want to do that either, but if hugging him would free her from this madness, at least for today, then it was worth it.

“Thank you, princess,” he said the moment they embraced each other. “Thank you for being so good to Daddy.”

Jillian attempted to pull away.

“Just let me hold you a little while longer and then you can go.”

Jillian kept her arms around his waist and at first he just held her, but then she felt him caressing her back. She didn’t like this, so she tried easing away from him again. But this time, he lifted her chin away from his chest and kissed her. He kissed her frantically and tried forcing his tongue inside her mouth. Then, he kissed her on her neck, moving his lips from one side to the other. She tried pushing him with both hands, but he wouldn’t release her.

“Daddy, please don’t. Stop it. You said just a hug and that you’d let me go after that.”

“Come on, princess,” he said between breaths, and squeezed her body even tighter.

“Daddy, I
said,
stop it!”

She pleaded with all her might, but her father ignored all that she was saying and slowly stroked her back and forth between her legs. Jillian squirmed and yelled as loud as she could. “Oh God, Daddy, please don’t do this!”