Chapter Eleven
A
ddy chuckled. “Not human? You on something, Blondy?” She looked at Brand. “Hear that? Your buddy thinks I’m not human. What a maroon. Reckon he got him some of Dinky’s cow pie mushrooms?”
Brand’s impassive expression did not change. Jeez, the guy was a real heartbreaker, but he seriously needed to develop a sense of humor.
“Ansgar is not intoxicated,” he said. “The Dalvahni are impervious to the effects of alcohol and drugs. We cannot get drunk like lesser species. To answer your question, Ansgar is not under the influence of a mind-altering substance. And I must remind you, Adara, that you fabricated the entire ‘bovine dung fungi’ story to appease the mama.”
“Yeah, well, I—”
“Ansgar is correct. Strictly speaking, you are no longer human.”
Addy snorted. “Yeah, right.”
“If you will remember, I told you this morning when I pleasured you—”
Whoosh
, all the blood rushed to Addy’s face. Pleasured her? Stuck his hand up her skirt and made her sing notes only dogs could hear, that’s what he did. “Hold it right there,” she said. “Not another word, or so help me . . .”
“—that we merged and that you received some of my powers,” Brand finished.
“Yeah, but I thought it was temporary,” she wailed. “Like a rash or something.”
“No, Adara, the change is permanent. You are part Dalvahni and part human. We have already discussed this.”
“And you thought I believed you? Who could believe something like that? That’s nuts.”
Brand seemed to contemplate this statement. After a moment, he nodded. “I think I understand. This is an expression of your confusion with the situation, and not a reference to a large, hard-shelled seed or the ancient Egyptian goddess of the sky.”
“Huh?”
“The circumstances are unusual, Adara.” His patient tone set Addy’s teeth on edge. “Naturally, you are somewhat bewildered.”
“Bewildered? You’ve turned me into some kind of mutant freak, and you tell me it’s okay if I’m
bewildered
? You’ve got a talent for understatement, bub.” Addy pointed to her face. “Do you see this? This is not a bewildered face. Oh, no. This is a seriously pissed-off face.” She poked Brand in his broad, muscled chest. “Kind of goes with the rest of me that would love to kick your gorgeous Dalvahni ass all the way from here to Canada.”
Evie gave a little gasp. “Addy, lower your voice. You said the ‘a’ word on the street. If your mama finds out you been cussing in public, you’ll never hear the end of it.”
“What do you think Mama’s going to do when she finds out I’ve gone and changed
species
without her permission? Talk about a hissy fit!”
“Calm yourself, Adara,” Brand said. “You are upset.”
“You bet your bippy I’m upset.” Addy’s voice rose. “I’m Mount Vesuvius, and I’m fixing to go Pompeii on your ass.”
“Addy.”
Evie’s whisper was anguished. “You said it again.”
“Ass, ass, ass! Double ass, triple ass, horse’s ass. I don’t care. You hear me, Evie?” She was losing it, but she couldn’t seem to help herself. Suddenly, all the steam went out of her, and she groaned and dropped her face in her hands. “Oh, my God, did you hear what I said?”
“Sure, Addy, I heard you.” Evie darted a worried look over her shoulder. “I’m pretty sure folks clear down to the Baptist church heard you. You said ass. Like a bunch of times.”
Addy lifted her head. “Not that, Evie. I said bippy. Nobody says bippy anymore except Bitsy. It’s bad enough I’m a mutant. Now I’m channeling my mother.”
Evie put her arms around her and gave her a quick hug. “Get a grip, Addy. I know you’re upset, but you’ve got bigger problems.”
Addy raised her head to stare at her friend. “Evie, I just found out we’re not the same species. What could be worse than that?”
“I saw Dwight Farris this morning.”
“You did? Where?”
“At the shop.”
Addy wrinkled her nose. “Gross, somebody left a corpse at the shop? That’s great. I’ll have to de-cootie the whole place. And how am I going to explain this to the police?” Her eyes widened. “Or my mother? She’ll think I had something to do with it. Oh, man, I am so dead.”
Evie put her hands on Addy’s shoulders and gave her a little shake. “You’ve got to listen to me, Addy. Mr. Farris wasn’t
in
the shop. He was
at
the shop. I saw him standing on the sidewalk peering through the front window. You hear me, Addy? There’s a dead guy running around town, and I’m pretty sure he’s looking for you.”
Addy’s mouth dropped open. Guck, to borrow one from Bessie Mae. Double guck.
Brand turned to Evie. “Mistress Evie, you are certain the creature you saw was the Farris human?”
“It was him,” Evie said. “I’m sure of it. Eyeballed me right through the shop window.” She shuddered. “He looked real bad, Addy. All pasty and stiff and creepy, like something out of a movie.”
“WHA-A-A-A-T?” Addy screeched, regaining the use of her tongue. “THERE’S A DEAD GUY LOOKING FOR ME? I
HATE
DEAD GUYS!”
Brand and Ansgar winced, and Evie covered her ears.
Pop, pop
. Two nearby street lamps exploded in a shower of frosted glass. Addy heard an ominous crack as the glazed plate glass windows along the front of the Hannah Pharmacy cracked down the middle.
There went another of Mama’s rules, busted all to hell and back. A lady did not raise her voice in public. A lady’s voice should be a soft, dulcet caress upon the ear, as languid and cool as a slow-winding stream, as pleasing to the senses as the sound of the wind playing through the blossom-heavy branches of a dogwood in spring. A lady did not yowl like a cat in heat or wail like a busted firehouse siren.
“Why would Old Man Farris be looking for me?” She lowered her voice with an effort. “If he’s mad about . . . you know . . . he needs to take it up with Shirley.
I
don’t have his weenie.”
“Calm yourself, Adara, the being you knew as Dwight Farris is no more,” Brand said. “In all likelihood, the creature Mistress Evie saw was a demon, the same djegrali, no doubt, that marked you.”
Ansgar nodded. “My thoughts exactly, brother.”
“Is that your way of trying to make me feel better? ’Cause if it is, I got to tell you it sucks.” Addy raised her hand to her forehead. “Whew, I feel lightheaded. Probably has something to do with finding out I’ve got a starring role in
Night of the Living Deweenered Dead.
”
“You need to eat.” Brand took her by the arm. “You are not fully recovered from the djegrali attack or the transmutation you have undergone, and you have further weakened yourself by engaging your new powers. Where is the nearest pub or hostel where we can obtain sustenance?”
Evie pointed down the street. “The Sweet Shop is down the block that a-ways. They serve the best BBQ in town and fried chicken that’ll make you want to slap yo’ mama.”
Brand raised his brows. “A strange custom, especially in view of the apprehension with which Adara views the matriarchal vessel.”
“She doesn’t mean
my
mother, Brand,” Addy said. “God, that would be like suicidal.”
“Ah, I see.” Brand gave a nod of understanding. “Mistress Evie peppers her speech with strange sayings and colorful phrases in the same manner you do. Tell me, what is the meaning of this BBQ?”
Ansgar cleared his throat. “Allow me to offer a supposition, brother. I believe BBQ may be a shortened term for meat that has been cooked over an open fire. My hunter’s nose has detected the tempting aroma of roasted meat wafting southward this past hour and more. If that be the case, I would not be averse to partaking of sustenance myself. Evangeline and I will accompany you.”
“Which in warrior speak, means let’s eat,” Evie whispered in Addy’s ear. “Whew, he talks funny, but he’s way cute.”
“Blondy? He’s a gigantic pain in the butt. I can’t believe you’re attracted to him.”
“Believe it. I mean,
look
at him! He’s gorgeous.”
“Hmm, I suppose so, if you’re into the ‘fair haired Viking prince surfer boy’ type.”
“Surfer boy? No, no, Adds, you got it all wrong. He’s the
Legolas
type, only taller and way brawnier than the dude in the movie.” Evie gave a soulful sigh. “He can munch on my lembas any day.”
“Eww, is that some kind of euphemism? ’Cause if it is, Tolkien just rolled over in his grave.”
Evie giggled. “I’m just saying . . .”
“Well, stop saying. I’m getting a mental picture of you and Blondy doing the wild thing, and it’s giving me a full body huzz.”
Evie giggled again. “You are so funny. Where’d you find the kitten?”
“Duh, in the tree. Don’t kittens grow there, or something? Cute little thing, isn’t he?”
“How do you know it’s a he?”
Addy shrugged. “I assumed. I didn’t check his engine, if that’s what you mean. We just met.”
“Are you talking about Brand or the cat?”
“Very funny. I was talking about Mr. Fluffy.”
“Mr. Fluffy? Uh oh, you’ve already named the cat.”
“Yep. His full name is Mr. Fluffy Fauntleroy Corwin,” Addy said. “What do you think?”
The world shifted as Brand lifted her in his arms. “I think it a remarkably silly name. I greatly fear for your future progeny.”
“Hey, put me down. I can walk.”
Brand strode down the sidewalk in the direction of the Sweet Shop. “No, you are lightheaded and those ridiculously flimsy things you wear on your feet have been damaged. You will sprain an ankle and not be able to flee should the djegrali attack.”
“Sweet, big guy, but I broke a heel. No big deal. You don’t have to carry me around like a sack of flour.” She gave him a shove to the chest. “Put me down, Brand. I mean it. If you’re so all-fired worried about my shoes, then break off the other heel so they match. Problem solved.”
“A surprisingly sensible solution and one I should have thought of myself.” Brand lowered Addy to the sidewalk. “I must be in need of nourishment also. My thought processes seem somewhat muddled.”
“Your thought processes have been muddled since making the acquaintance of a certain female,” Ansgar said with a knowing smirk.
Addy rolled her eyes. “Oooh, careful, Brand. Looks like Blondy’s had a humor chip added to his hard drive. Too bad it’s a dud.”
Brand held out his hand. “Hand me your sandal, Adara, and stop tormenting Ansgar.” He snapped off the heel with ease and handed her back the shoe. “I would consider it a personal favor if you two would cease this incessant bickering. Should it continue, I might have a—what did you call it?—ah, yes, a
hissy
fit myself.”
“Fun sucker.” Addy looked up at Brand. “I think it might be kind of interesting to see you lose that cool of yours, Ice Man. You’re wound way too tight, if you ask me.”
She gave a startled yelp as Brand jerked her into his arms and kissed her.
“Do not tempt me, Adara.” He released her with a growl. “Lest I demonstrate exactly how I would like to relieve my tension.”
“Please, brother, not on an empty stomach,” Ansgar said.
Addy stiffened. “Oh, why don’t you go—”
Brand took her by the arm and pulled her down the street. “Ansgar is right. We need to eat.”
“Wait, what about Mr. Fluffy?” Addy dragged her feet. “We can’t take a cat in a restaurant. It’s a health code violation.”
Brand halted. Reaching up, he plucked the kitten from his shoulder. “In truth, I had forgotten about the creature. I would advise you to put the troublesome flea bag back in the tree and walk away.”
“I can’t do that! Something might happen to him. He’s so cute and helpless. I’m going to keep him.”
Brand sighed. “Of course you are. Already the creature has ensorcelled you. You are too soft-hearted, Adara.” Looking the kitten in the eye, he said sternly, “You will stay where I put you. Is that understood?”
“Meow,”
the kitten said, and disappeared.