A Fluffy Tale (14 page)

“Do you now.” He walked back behind the
chair and began to push it again. Zachary stared straight ahead and ignored
him. “You didn’t know Leo cared so much about you, so you’re wrong about
knowing what people think.”

“‘People’ as in ‘strangers’—like you.”

“You’re wrong about me, too. Go on, tell me
what you think I think of you.”

“Please choose something else to discuss.”
The words practically had icicles hanging off each syllable, but Julian never
let that scare him before.

“Why? Who died and made you the boss? I
work for Leo, not for you. And technically, not for him
either. I’ll talk about what I like.”

“Then you’ll do it without my assistance.
Discussing people’s opinions is of no interest to me at all.”

Julian resisted the opportunity to slap his
annoying companion upside his perfectly groomed head. “Go on—ask me three
questions. I might surprise you.”

“I very much doubt that.”

“Stop being a prick, Mr Ledbetter.”

“Stop calling me that, it’s vulgar.”

Julian quickly ran through all the
other
words he
could have used, and decided ‘prick’ was polite as he was going to get today.
“Three questions. I’ll take the risk of boring you.”

“God, you’re persistent. Very well. The
same things you mentioned before—first kiss, favourite subject, and favourite
colour. And don’t take that as an indication I have the slightest interest in
any of it.”

“First kiss with a boy or a girl? Or any?”

He leaned forward. Zachary was making fish
impressions. “What?”

“B-Boy?”

“Well, I'm gay, Zachary.” Julian thought
about their conversations over the last two months. “Uh, did that not come up
before?” He’d definitely told Leo.

“Your sexuality isn’t something I’d
want
to come up, no.”

“Does it bother you? Me being gay?”

“Did I not just express very clearly my
total and utter lack of interest in the subject?”

“When we get to that lake, I'm dropping you
in it, I'm warning you now.”

“If it gets me away from this inane
discussion, I’ll release the brake myself.”

“You’re just not a people person, are you.”

No reply, but then a little… Julian leaned
forward and found Zachary grinning. “You’re impossible,” the man said, trying
unsuccessfully to sound severe.

“And you’re just being a snot. Okay. First
kiss—girl. Thirteen years old, on a dare, she had terrible breath and told all
her friends about it afterwards. First kiss—boy. Hmmm.
Fourteen years old, in my parent’s garden, in my tree house. He tasted
like jelly beans, punched me in the arm afterwards and said it was gross. It
was, a bit. Didn’t put me off though,” he added with a grin, thinking of how
much better he’d got at the kissing thing. Man, it had been six months since
he’d even been out with a guy. Well, unless you counted breakfast with Zachary
before the accident, which he didn’t. Not really.

Zachary wasn’t talking. Julian poked him in
the shoulder. “Well?”

“Well, what? It sounds perfectly awful.
Subject and colour and then we’re done.”

“Biology and blue. Now it’s your turn.”

“Not applicable, law and yellow.”

“Yellow? I’d never…hang on, what do you
mean, not applicable? How can a kiss be not applicable?” Zachary ignored him.
“Come on, that’s cheating.”

“It’s not. I answered your questions
truthfully.”

“It’s cheating if you don’t answer them in
a way that makes sense! Zachary, be fair.”

Zachary grabbed the brake and applied it,
forcing them all to stop. “All right. I’ve never kissed anyone. It’s not
applicable. Is that ‘fair’ enough for you?”

Julian opened his mouth, but no sounds came
out. He stared at this handsome, wealthy, well-educated man and wondered if it
was even possible for someone like this to get to the age of nearly thirty-one
and… “How? How could you not have—”

“I just didn’t. It never came up. If you
don’t hurry, it’ll be cold before we get back to the car. Linis? Pyon? Where
are you?”

The kems came bounding out from the bushes,
looking for affection, and Zachary busied himself in giving it, while
resolutely ignoring a dumbstruck Julian. Never been
kissed
? Did that mean…?

“Zachary, are you a virgin?”

The man glared at Julian over the top of
Linis’s head. “I thought I already answered your three questions, and what kind
of upbringing did you have that you consider that a polite thing to ask? Can we
move, please? Or at least go back? I'm tired.”

Julian looked at his watch. It was still
early, so he decided to press on to their destination. Zachary was
exaggeratedly attentive to Linis and Pyon, making it clear whose company he
really preferred—like that was a secret. Julian didn’t feel like talking anyway
because everything he wanted to say came back to the same thing—how the hell
did someone like this, even with his personality, stay a virgin this long?

Julian had known guys who smelled like a
three-day-old dead rat. Guys whose idea of a really good lark
was pissing on drunks in the street. Guys who snapped the bra straps of
the women they were chatting up. Guys with acne that made them look like the
dark side of the moon. Guys who were ugly, obnoxious,
unintelligent, uninteresting, flatulent bores. Every single one of them
had managed to get laid at least once, and usually more than once (though
rarely by the same person.) No healthy male could
survive
without sex. Could they?

Another fifteen minutes and they came to
the lake. The view was pretty spectacular with the still water reflecting the
vivid hues of autumn, under a clear blue sky. They had it all to themselves but
Julian wasn’t really capable of appreciating it, with all that was in his mind.

He parked the chair by a little bench that
looked over the water, and as soon as they stopped, the kems jumped down and
trotted down to the lake edge to inspect it. Julian sat down and looked at
Zachary, who definitely didn’t want to look at him.

“Aren’t you even curious what you’re
missing?”

“You assume I'm missing anything. I don’t
consider I am.”

“But sex—“

“Is a messy, complicated, time-consuming,
animalistic act and only necessary if one wants offspring, which I don’t.”

“I don’t either—at least, I don’t now. I
don’t screw guys because I want kids!”

Zachary went red. “Do you
mind
? Some of us don’t consider rutting
to be a suitable topic for conversation.”

“Prude.”

“If you insist.”

Julian threw up his hands in disgust.
“You’re a freak. No wonder you can’t cope with people touching your kem. God
knows what would happen if they touched your cock instead.”

“What?”

“Me, touching Linis. I know what you
felt—it’s the same for me when you pet Pyon. It’s not—”

Zachary’s expression was horrified. “You
mean…when I stroke your kem, you feel—”

“The same as you felt when I stroked Linis.
I guess it’s the same for everyone. Only most people don’t get hard.” Nasty of
him to add that, but this whole ‘sex isn’t suitable for my delicate ears’ crap
was annoying as hell. “Hey! Where are you…Zachary, you can’t push yourself all
the way back…stop it, you moron!”

He grabbed for the push handles, but Zachary
kept trying to wrench control away from him. “Will you stop? You’ll break that
damn arm of yours again!”

“Let me go. I want to leave. Get your hands
off me!”

Julian stepped back at Zachary’s anguished
bellow, holding his hands up in surrender. “Look—they’re off. Now calm down.
There’s no way you can wheel yourself all the way back. What the hell’s the
matter anyway?”

“You knew what you were doing with Linis?”

“No, not exactly. You react more than I do.
It’s not a crime.”

“You used him to molest me.”

“I had no idea what effect it’d have on
you, until it did. I pet Nuji all the time too and if you think I’ve got the
hots for Leo, you’re even more deranged than I thought you were. Just calm down. I won’t touch Linis again if it bothers you.
Simple.”

“But you said…when I touch Pyon…it felt—”

“Nice. Just nice,
Zachary. Like the sun and the breeze does just now.
Pleasant. Not like someone jerking me off.” From Zachary’s expression, that had
definitely been the wrong thing to say. “It’s not
sexual
just because it’s nice. It’s like…someone playing with your
hair. I guess you don’t know what that’s like.”

“No,” Zachary muttered. “I don’t
like
being touched.”

“How would you know if you never let it
happen?”

“I just…know. I don’t like people being
close to me.
Or
touching Linis.”

“Were you always like this? Even before
your Mum and Dad…I mean, even when you were little?”

“Yes. I…yes, I think so. I remember at
school…playing sports and learning to dance with the girls, was just…awful.”

“Before they died?”

“I don’t remember.”

Julian frowned. “Didn’t your grandma ever
give you a hug? Kiss it better when you fell down?”

“No. I…I don’t remember them doing that.
When Mama…when Grandfather came in and told me, he just…patted me on the
shoulder and told me to be a brave boy and not to cry. So…I tried very hard. I
did what they wanted me to do.”

Julian shook his head. “That’s awful.
Surely you can see that wasn’t what a little boy needed.”

“I won’t have you say a word against them.”

“I'm not! But…hell, Zachary, every kid
needs a hug sometimes. If your Mum and Dad just died, you should’ve been able
to cry.”

“I didn’t want to make Grandmother sad. And
later…I just…couldn’t.”

Julian sat on the grass. Pyon scampered
over and gave him a quick head butt, wanting to be petted, but then he ran off
again. Linis was still exploring which was odd—Julian would have expected him
to come back to Zachary as soon as he became distressed. The big kem’s
behaviour had been very strange all day. “You know babies who don’t get held
and given affection, die. You said kems were like that. You don’t think it’s
unhealthy for you not to let anyone near you?”

“I manage perfectly well, thank you.”

“Until you get run over by a car.” Julian
stared down to the lake edge where Pyon was grooming Linis, the tawny kem
lolling on the ground while Pyon licked him. “I know this is hard for you, but
can I just…try something?”

“Julian, I’ve had almost as much as I can
stand today, honestly.”

His expression was uncharacteristically
pleading, and if it wasn’t so important, Julian would
have just dropped it. “I know,” he said gently. “And…now I know what I do, I
can see why…why you’re like how you are. But I think maybe Linis was up to
something, and I think I know what. I know you don’t trust me, but do you still
trust him?”

Zachary stared at the ground. “I do trust
you,” he mumbled.

“Then will you just humour me? I don’t
think you’ll like it much, but I’ll stop if it really bothers you.”

“Is it important to you?”

“Yes. It really is.”

“Then go ahead.”

The lack of enthusiasm didn’t exactly shock
him, so he persisted. “I just want to know how me touching you makes you feel.
I just want you to…say out loud what it does to you. I know it’s hard for you
to say that sort of thing.”

“Just get on with it.”

Julian almost stopped then. Zachary was so
clearly at the edge of his tolerance and what he wanted to do would push him
quite hard. But he might not get a second chance.

“Okay.” He scooted a little closer to the
wheelchair and put his hand on Zachary’s foot. “What does that do?”

“Annoy me.”

“Anything else?” Zachary shook his head.
Julian moved his hand to Zachary’s knee. “Now?”

Zachary’s lips thinned. “I…want you to move
your hand.” Julian lifted it. “No, I mean…that’s the emotion. A real…desire for you to just go away.”

“So there’s nothing pleasurable about it at
all?”

“Not in the slightest.”

“Okay.” He reached further up and took one
of Zachary’s hands in his, taking care to be gentle, to use the touch to
massage very carefully. Then he twined his fingers with Zachary’s. “And now?”

“I…feel trapped. Like…let go, Julian.
Please.” Julian obeyed immediately. Zachary exhaled—hard not to miss the raw
relief in his eyes as Julian sat back on his heels. “I'm sorry.”

“Me too. So basically, you’ve never felt
any pleasure at all from anyone touching you?” Zachary looked away. “You have?
Not your grandparents. Your Mum and Dad?”

“No. Except…one time.” He rubbed at his
eyes like he had a headache. “That day in the hospital when…the day Leo…”

“Yes, I remember.”

“I…got upset and you…for a second or two, I
felt…comforted. Then I just panicked. But there was that short period…when I
almost felt like…I could just let go. But I couldn’t. I didn’t dare.”

“Because you don’t trust people not to let
you down.”

Zachary’s expression closed in a little.
“Yes, most likely. I accept who I am. The only difficulty I have is with other
people refusing to do that.”

“People like me.”

“And Leo. Other people who presumed to know
me better than I do myself, or who wanted to force themselves on me. I'm not
innocent. People throw themselves at me from time to time, attracted by money
or my status—”

“Or the fact you’re amazingly good
looking.”

Zachary flushed. “A mere accident of
genetics. But these people offer nothing, only want to take, and I see how they
behave to each other and their kems and they just revolt me. Sex could never
blind me to that.”

“It does for some people.”

“I am not ‘some people’. What other people do, doesn’t concern me. If my lack of sexual experience was a burden, I’d have no difficulty in relieving myself of
it. It’s not.”