A French Affair (13 page)

Nikki turned to her mother. ‘Don't worry, Mum,' she said, ‘I'll make sure he comes back in the exact same condition he's leaving in.'

Jessica's eyes were dancing. ‘Ah yes,' she responded, ‘but will
you
?' and as Nikki blushed and laughed, she gave her a hug before heading off to the bookshop for a nice leisurely browse before Lilian's flight came in.

The strangest thing happened in the moments after Jessica and Lilian virtually ran into each other's arms – for the first time in all the years they'd been friends, Jessica sensed a slight awkwardness in Lilian. It passed quickly and within minutes it was as though it hadn't happened at all, but it had been enough for Jessica to feel afraid that even her best friend was going to start treating her like some damaged and delicate soul, the way so many others had since Natalie had gone. However, Lilian's vivid blue eyes and engagingly ironic smile were soon convincing her that the awkwardness was no more than a fleeting stab of her friend's conscience for not being around more often, or perhaps it was even a trick of Jessica's imagination, for all the closeness they'd shared over the years was very quickly starting to work its magic.

‘You look fantastic,' Jessica told her, as they walked arm in arm through the crowded arrivals hall to the car park. And Lilian did, for the energy that seemed to flow from her creamy soft skin and abundant glossy brown hair was as radiant as it was infectious, while
the sumptuous curves of her figure showed that French life was suiting her well.

‘And you've lost weight,' Lilian stated bluntly. ‘Charlie told me you had, but you still manage to look gorgeous, God damn you.'

‘You've spoken to Charlie?' Jessica asked in surprise.

Lilian's smile was sheepish. ‘I call him from time to time, just to check how you are,' she confessed. ‘I feel I might get a more honest answer from him.'

Jessica rolled her eyes. ‘I might have known,' she said, and opening the boot for Lilian's overnight bag she struggled to help her lift it in. ‘What on earth have you brought with you?' she gulped.

‘Wine,' Lilian reminded her, ‘and gifts for Harry and Nikki. I'm sorry I won't see her, but I believe there's an important event she simply has to be there for.'

Knowing it was absurd to mind that there was no gift for Natalie, Jessica hid the pang with a laugh, and said, ‘She told you about Freddy?'

‘At length. Were we like that at her age? Short on vocabulary and repeating the bit we knew a thousand times over?'

‘No, we were erudite, scintillating and altogether perfect,' Jessica assured her. ‘Now, what would you like to do? Straight to the house, or lunch at Harvey Nicks followed by a big spend, or . . . anything at all.'

‘Paris takes care of all my shopping needs,' Lilian replied. ‘So let's go home and get smashed in the garden.'

Less than an hour later they were popping the cork of a crisp dry white burgundy to accompany one of Delia's scrumptious summer salads, and setting it all out in the garden. ‘Oh God, it's so blissful here,' Lilian sighed dreamily, as she flopped into a chair under the
sun-dappled leaves of a silver maple. ‘Remind me why I left London. Oh yes, I remember, it was something to do with a job.'

‘And look what happened,' Jessica responded, her eyes glowing with affection. ‘So tell me about Luc. Is it still wonderful between you – as if I need to ask?'

Lilian's expression softened in a way that conveyed even more than her words as she said, ‘I can still hardly believe it. He's everything I ever dreamed of, and more.'

Easily able to picture Luc's unmistakably Gallic features and the sheer romance the couple seemed to exude when they were together, Jessica sipped her wine and felt the warmth of pleasure for the happiness that was making Lilian so captivatingly lovely.

‘I know you know this, and I've said it a thousand times before,' Lilian continued, ‘but I'd virtually given up hope of ever meeting anyone. And now to think of how my life has changed . . . Did I tell you they're thinking about promoting me to managing director, by the way?'

Blinking at the sudden change of subject, Jessica said, ‘No, but that's wonderful. Isn't it?'

Lilian laughed. ‘Of course. The only trouble is it's going to mean more travelling and I already don't see enough of Luc.'

‘And what does he think about that?'

‘He understands what a fantastic opportunity it is, so he's right behind me.' Though dimples showed as she smiled, she looked away with what seemed to be the tiniest flicker of doubt in her eyes. ‘I only need to take it for a couple of years,' she continued. ‘As Luc says, at least then I won't look back and regret giving up the opportunity to go to the top.'

Frowning, Jessica said, ‘Why am I getting the impression you're not overjoyed by the prospect?'

Lilian seemed surprised. ‘Oh no, I am,' she assured her. ‘I'd just prefer it if he were free to travel with me.'

‘Doesn't it help with him being freelance?'

‘It would if he were still a photojournalist, but he's having to spend a lot of time in Burgundy now, helping his father take care of the vineyard. But he loves to be at home, doing his thing with the wine, creating his art, reading his books, you know what he's like, so it's no great hardship for him to be away from Paris.'

‘But it is to be away from you?'

Lilian nodded and twinkled. ‘However, we certainly make up for it when we're together,' she declared with a waggle of her eyebrows. ‘I'm here to tell you that everything they say about Frenchmen is true, they are wonderful lovers – well, Luc is, and as far as I'm concerned, he's the only one that counts.'

Jessica swallowed as she smiled. ‘So do you still plan to have a family?' she asked, as Lilian drank.

To her surprise Lilian coloured slightly, and didn't quite meet her eyes as she said, ‘Yes, but . . . Well, you know . . . I'm sure it'll happen soon enough.'

Jessica waited for her eyes to come to hers, but they took too long. ‘Lily? Is there something you're not telling me?' she probed gently.

Lilian seemed startled. ‘No, why?' she responded brightly.

‘You just seem . . . I'm not sure . . . There is something, isn't there?'

As Lilian looked down at her glass some of the warmth seemed to drain from her smile.

‘Lily,' Jessica prompted, ‘we've always shared
everything, so whatever it is, you know you can tell me.'

Lilian's mouth trembled slightly as she shook her head.

‘Oh no,' Jessica said, reaching for her hand, ‘were you pregnant again?'

It took Lilian a moment to fight back the tears. ‘It's OK,' she said, ‘these things happen.'

‘But why didn't you tell me?'

Lilian took a breath. ‘In the face of what you were going through, it seemed so . . . unimportant, and the last thing I wanted was to burden you with my problems. I'll get over it.' She forced a smile. ‘I already am. I just think about it now and again . . . Well, it's best not to really. Like the first time it happened, it was probably meant to be.'

‘How did Luc take it?'

‘He didn't say much, but I think he was pretty devastated. He wants children almost as much as I do . . . Well, you've seen him with his niece and nephews – I'm sure that's half the attraction of being in Burgundy.'

Jessica was watching her closely, certain she was still hiding something, but then Lilian was dabbing her eyes and laughing as she refilled their glasses. ‘I'm afraid it's the time of the month,' she confessed, ‘which is why I'm so emotional – another missed opportunity, and I've been working so hard, I'm exhausted, so please take no notice of me. I'm really happy to be here. I've missed you so much.'

Jessica picked up her glass. ‘The feeling's mutual,' she assured her, and deciding not to push her any further for the moment, she said, ‘So tell me about Fernand, and these tests he's having.'

As Lilian talked, moving from Fernand to Daniella, Luc's sister, to Luc and everything that was happening at the vineyard, Jessica could feel the pull of it stirring warmly inside her. She'd completely fallen in love with Valennes on the two occasions they'd visited, before they'd lost Natalie. It had seemed so idyllic, and set apart from the madness of the world that surrounded it – and once again she started to feel that she might reconnect with Natalie there in a way she'd been unable to here.

‘Tell me,' she said to Lilian, as they pushed aside their plates and sat back to enjoy the rest of the wine, ‘do
you
think my mother was entirely truthful about what happened to Natalie?'

Lilian took a breath and let it out slowly.

‘You do, don't you?' Jessica prompted, hearing the stiffness in her voice as she uttered the words. Then, aware of how difficult she was finding Lilian's failure to support her, she said, ‘I thought you of all people would back me on this. I know what I heard in Natalie's voice, Lily. Something wasn't right. She was afraid . . .'

‘But of what?' Lilian implored.

‘That's what I need to find out. I keep hearing her . . . I know you're going to think I'm crazy, but sometimes I feel as though she's still trying to reach me . . . OK, that sounds like the deluded ramblings of a bereaved mother – a guilty mother even, because I should never have let her go without me – but I'm telling you, something happened to scare her, or at the very least upset her and I need to find out what it was.'

Lilian's eyes were warm with sympathy as she looked at her.

‘I'm missing something, Lily,' Jessica said, her hands
clenching on the table. ‘I feel certain of it. It's as though it's right there, staring me in the face, but I'm just not seeing it. Of course, my mother could tell me what it is, and if I thought she would, believe me, I'd be out there looking for her now.'

‘So still no news on where she is?'

Jessica shook her head. ‘Charlie called her neighbour the other day, this Rufus Keane guy, and asked him to let us know if he hears anything, but we haven't had a call back.'

An even deeper concern was showing in Lilian's eyes. ‘I know it's always been like her to drop off the radar for a while,' she said, ‘but I'm with Charlie on this, I think she was devastated by what happened to Natalie . . .'

‘And now she can't face me any more,' Jessica cut in. ‘Well, let her stay wherever the hell she is, because I never want to see her again, unless she's prepared to tell me what really happened to my baby.'

Lilian looked away for a moment, but she was clearly still troubled. ‘Jessica, this isn't doing you any good,' she said gently. ‘There was a full investigation . . . Everyone accepts that she fell . . .'

‘I accept that too,' Jessica cried. ‘It's what happened prior to the fall that concerns me. Why was she afraid, and why did my mother shout “no”?'

‘Because she could see what was about to happen. It's a very natural thing to do.'

Jessica turned her head sharply away as though rejecting the very words, and for a while there was only the sound of the birds, mingling with the musical tinkling of wind chimes that Natalie had hung the summer before, and the distant purr of traffic two blocks away. Then Jessica became aware of the same
tightness in her chest that always came when she was close to the edge. The grief and longing were so intense they seemed to be tugging at the very core of her, as though Natalie was right there inside her, an unborn child again, needing her, depending on her, and convincing her that they were still an intrinsic part of one another. They shared a bond that only a mother and child could. It was beyond anyone else's comprehension, and in some ways perhaps it was beyond hers too.

‘Go and sit in her room,' she said to Lilian in the end. ‘See if you feel anything. You were always so close to her . . .'

Lilian swallowed hard as the light dimmed in her eyes. ‘Oh Jessica,' she murmured, ‘I don't think . . . I'm not as tuned into that kind of thing as you. You were her mother . . .'

‘Then will you accept that as her mother I might feel something the rest of you can't?'

Lilian nodded slowly. ‘But I still have to remind you that the police and paramedics . . . No, OK, I know you know that . . . But unless you talk to your mother again . . .'

After a beat Jessica's eyes came back to Lilian's. ‘I could go back to the grape-picker's cottage,' she said. ‘I was so distraught the last time I was there . . . I might have overlooked something . . .'

Lilian's expression showed her dismay. ‘You know you can come any time you like,' she said, ‘but I've been into that cottage a dozen times since . . . If there were anything to find, I'm sure I'd have seen it.'

‘But how could you, when we don't even know what we're looking for?'

Lilian had no answer to that.

Jessica watched her empty the last of the wine into their glasses. ‘You think I'm losing it, don't you?' she said with a flatness that conveyed her pain.

‘No, but I do know it's virtually impossible to get over the death of a child, and it's not even four months yet.'

‘Do you think it's odd that I want to go back to the cottage?'

Instead of answering, Lilian said, ‘Have you mentioned it to Charlie?'

Jessica sighed. ‘No, I haven't,' she answered, ‘because I already know that he never wants to set foot in the place again.'

‘Which is perfectly understandable. It's how a lot of people would feel, in the circumstances.'

Jessica rose abruptly to her feet. ‘But I don't,' she said shortly.

As she walked into the house to answer the phone Lilian sat back in her chair, watching her with a heaviness in her heart that was hard to bear. Never before had they had secrets from one another, but this was one Lilian had to keep because if Jessica ever did find out the truth, it would almost certainly end up destroying her – and without Jessica Lilian had to fear for them all.