Read A Life In A Moment Online
Authors: Stefanos Livos
An hour
passed. The blood had stopped trickling out of my nostrils, but not
out of my heart. I don’t know if such wounds ever heal. They
may scar over, only so you can survive, and move along in time. But
at the first slight, they bleed again.
Several
bruises on my face and a swollen eye were the medals of that night. I
would wear them for long enough.
«I’m
leaving», I heard myself say.
«Where
to?»
«My
brother.»
I had
thought about it and made the announcement without further ado. It
was only a thought, an impulse. Not a fully-fledged plan. But it was
a thought I could nonetheless keep secret. Or unfulfilled.
Thanos had
already guessed; that’s why it came as no surprise to him.
«Yes,
you’d better go. Stay there for a while.»
«I’m
not coming back.»
That threw
him.
There
comes a point in most people’s lives when desires, fears and
dreams become entangled, breeding sudden decisions. Such was my
decision to leave. Sudden, but not frivolous. It may have taken me
only a moment but, even if I had mulled it over for a month, I was
sure I would have made the same decision.
«I’ll
stay there, Thanos. There’s nothing here for me any more.»
He smiled
nervously. The emotional drama of it all made him feel awkward,
perhaps even reduced him to skittish laughter, which he deftly tried
to suppress. «Come on, Vassilis. What about your aunt and
Natalia?»
«They
will understand.»
«Your
bookshop?»
«To
hell with that! To hell with all of them... Michalis and Ellie and
Natalia and my aunt! To hell with everything!»
I
exploded, spontaneously and uncontrollably. I felt the words hurtle
down the stairs of my mind and burst out with force, unable to stop
them.
My friend
was shaken, but he sympathised. Before him was a deeply hurt and
betrayed man, ready to give up. He sympathised, but he wanted me to
sympathise, as well. He kept trying.
«To
hell with me as well?»
I looked
at him with deep compassion. He was my best friend. We’d known
each other for so long. Yet, at the time I was so determined to leave
that, were he to try to win me over, I could erase all those years of
friendship in one breath.
«You
are my best friend and this will never change», I uttered
strong words, but I knew I was speaking the truth. «So if you
want to treat me as a best friend, try no more. I’m leaving,
and that’s that. If you want to help me, please, go upstairs
and pack a suitcase for me. Stuff it with whatever you see fit. If I
find a ticket, I’ll take the ship leaving at midnight. We’ve
got two hours.»
He looked
at me pensively. «Fine. Since you want to go, go. But, at
least, wait till morning comes. You can go by plane. Stay the night
and rest.»
«Thanos...
I’m leaving tonight.»
He dropped
his eyes and made for the stairs.
I was
alone for a while. I heard something crying and sobbing in my mind.
It was the thought that I shouldn’t leave. It was weeping,
pleading with me to stay and fight for what was worthwhile. Not for
Ellie’s love or Michalis’ friendship. These, I had
already entombed so deeply that I didn’t know if I could find
them, even if I ever wanted to resurrect them. I had to stay and
fight for my lost dignity.
I worried
it over. Should I keep my distance for a while and let the hands of
time treat my wounds and scars? It might take so, so long. One day,
though, one bright morning with a clear sky, I would wake up, ready
to start all over again, fighting with life, until I won. Yet, there
was no point. I was overwhelmingly reluctant to try. I felt that on
that one bright morning I’d be too weak to get out of bed, let
alone fight with life.
A long
journey was ahead of me. Thanos came down with my suitcase, just as I
was rummaging through my forlornly untidy drawer to find my passport.
I cherished the day I had it issued, with a view to going on a trip
with Ellie on the spur of the moment. It was a trip I would now never
make.
While
Thanos was upstairs, I found the time to prepare an envelope. It
contained the keys to the bookshop.
«Make
sure you give this to Natalia first thing in the morning. Give it
only
to
her. Explain what happened and that I’ll be away for a while.
Sooner or later, she’ll figure out I will never come back.»
Thanos
took the envelope and looked me in the eye.
«Never?»
I
postponed my reply. Not because I didn’t know the answer or
hesitated, but because I didn’t want to sadden him. It might be
the heat of the moment, but all my replies were summed up in one
word:
«Never.»
We both
carried that word along on our way out. I double-locked the door as I
always did when I intended to be away for a long time. I wished I
could now lock more than twice and throw the key into the sea.
We climbed
into Thanos’ car. When we reached the port, he pulled up, as
close to the ship as possible, to shorten the distance I’d need
to cover. He accompanied me all the way to the ticket office,
carrying my suitcase. Taking money out of my pocket to pay for a
single bed cabin, I turned to look at him.
«You
wish there weren’t any tickets, right?»
It was our
last smile for the night. It was a night that would last for several
years, until we came together again.
He
followed me on my way to the ship and, once we stopped in front of
the hatchway, he turned to me:
«Will
you leave even if I refuse to give you your suitcase?»
I looked
at him, but didn’t answer. We hugged each other. He was about
to cry. So was I. We were gloomy over an ending written by fate with
her sharp, decisive pencil. We weren’t two men. We were two
schoolboys separating for the summer. But, in our case, we didn’t
know when our September would come.
«Well,
I’ve no strength to stand much longer. I’m going on board
to rest. Take care of Natalia. I trust only you.»
He nodded
his head, biting his lips.
«Thanos...
Don’t bear a grudge against me for going away, but...»
«Just
go.»
Without
saying anything else worth remembering as a farewell, he gave me my
suitcase. I looked at him with love and sympathy. In that very
moment, I saw exactly why we two were friends. I wanted to wink at
him, but my eye was swollen tight.
When I
turned my back, I realised there were other people at the port;
people I hadn’t noticed, people having their own story to
narrate. I felt so strange at the time. I boarded the ship, hearing
the sound of another ship’s anchor diving into the water. I
didn’t look back to see if Thanos was still there. I imagined
his eyes watching me and I just kept walking towards the porter at
the entrance.
«Are
you all right, sir?» he asked me, visibly concerned.
«You
won’t believe me if I say I’m all right, but don’t
worry. I’ll make it to my cabin.»
«Shall
I call the doctor on board?»
«No,
no, please, it’s not necessary», I told him, handing over
my passport and ticket.
«Please,
come on in», he said after checking my papers. «You’ll
find your key at reception.»
I thanked
him and made my way upstairs, which took me some time — my
dizziness overwhelming me. I arrived at the reception desk, where I
gave the same answers to the same questions about my sad, broken
face. Thanks to a persistence I still cannot fathom, I managed to get
hold of the key only by promising to see the doctor in my cabin that
night.
A little
later, after I had settled down, I heard knocking on the door. It was
him. When he stepped in, he looked at me in surprise.
«Hmm...
You’re worse than the description I’d been given»,
he said, taking a closer look at my face.
I had seen
myself in the mirror when I got home, but it didn’t occur to me
that my injuries would worsen with time. He applied ointment on the
bruising, while across my wound he secured a small bandage.
«Did
you return the blows?» he asked me, tongue-in-cheek, which
brought me laughter and pain at the same time.
«Yes.
Fortunately, I dealt a few blows myself.»
«With
which hand?»
I showed
him my right one.
«Do
you feel any pain or discomfort?»
He was
right. Over the last hour, my wrist had been aching, but it was
nothing serious. To be on the safe side, he decided to bind it for a
few days. Once he was done, he made me promise I’d visit him by
eleven o’ clock the next morning. Otherwise, he would visit
me.
I was
alone again. Alone. Completely alone. I felt I knew nothing about
life, that I hadn’t lived a thing, that all my life was a
never-ending swirl around myself. I was ready to be reborn, boasting
for memory a handful of sand where waves lap against the shore.
I would
reach Ancona the next evening. Then I would catch the train to London
with all the necessary transit. My wounds, all kinds of wounds,
needed time to heal, and this had to happen before I saw my brother.
He shouldn’t see me like that.
I slept at
intervals and each time I woke up, I saw the foam of waves glittering
in moonlight. Between sleep and awake, I saw myself like a dolphin
following a ship. The ship was the life I would never live back in
Greece. Yet, the more distant the ship grew, the more I kept
following it, as if I were begging to touch that life. I was sorry,
not because I had lost two people, but because along with them, I had
lost myself. I would change and I had to get used to what I would
become — no matter what that would be.
Dolphin on
the one hand, thoughts about Michalis and Ellie on the other... How
would they react to my leaving? Which of them would feel the need to
apologise? Which of them would have regrets? What about my aunt, my
uncle and Natalia? Aunt and Uncle would feel secure at the prospect
of my living with Pavlos, but Natalia would feel sorry that I left
her in the lurch. She might even feel furious in her abandonment.
My little
Natalia... I always knew she was more mature than me, but she was
always my little sister. Until she understood the real reasons why I
left, she would see my departure through her own kaleidoscope. I had
been a shoulder to cry on. Who would play that role now? I was sure
she would keep her distance from Ellie and Michalis, so all she was
left with was Thanos. They had never been very close, but what I
could vouch for was that they would get along just fine. I wished for
that. And my wish would be granted.
How fast I
was moving away from all this... I would soon reach a point where not
even my imagination could guide me back to that place. I would
position my compass on the map of nostalgia, waiting for it to show
me my own true North — that view from my favourite veranda.
Only then might I find my way...
Waking up
early the next morning, I realised we were mid-sea, between two
lives, the one that had already ended and the one ready to begin. I
looked out through the round porthole. The ocean was all I could see.
If I didn’t remember where I had departed from, I would easily
surmise I had been born on board that ship. That thought was so
convenient.
I visited
the doctor, after I had breakfast. I felt much better, despite the
minor aches and pains.
«They
will have subsided in two to three weeks’ time, without any
marks, I hope», the doctor informed me, and after closer
examination:
«No,
I don’t think there’ll be any marks.»
After he
gave me some ointment to treat the swollenness of my eyes with, I
thanked him and left. I returned to my cabin, feeling the need to lie
down for a while. Only in this way could I pull myself together. Once
in Ancona, on the train, it would be hard to find such a comfortable
and quiet place to sleep. So, putting my thoughts aside, I turned in
towards sleep.
When I
woke up, the Italian coastline was a strip in the middle of the
scuttle. It barely made itself known from among the colours of the
dusk. We were very near. I felt relieved. After I gazed at the lights
on the shore for a while, I started packing.
I wondered
how the day had begun in Greece. Quite logically by now, they must
have learnt I left. Natalia and Aunt surely wanted to communicate
with me, but they didn’t know how. Michalis and Ellie... No, I
didn’t care to follow that thought.
A few
hours later, having obtained a ticket to Milan, I was waiting for the
train on one of the platforms at Ancona Centrale. It was weirdly
unnerving being amongst so many strangers. Even if I searched, I
don’t know if I’d find someone speaking the same language
as me. Different people, different languages and cultures, with
different stories and passions, with different departure points and
destinations.
Something
sudden and fleeting came over my face. It was a unique, refreshing
and exciting sort of feeling. The first beautiful feeling of my brand
new life. In that moment, I felt I didn’t simply exist, but
lived. I at last realised I was alive. I sensed my hands, my feet,
the weight of my suitcase, the pain in my face, the cold wind across
the open platform. It may have been impossible due to the distance,
but I was sure that the click sound I had just heard came from a
door. It was the door the hand of the train station’s clock had
shut behind, as it walked into room 9. I felt as if I could smell the
leftovers of the sandwich a cat was pawing on the opposite platform.
I saw a man in suit running after a train, which threatened him with
its closed doors. I didn’t matter at all that these may be
thought of as silly, ridiculous thoughts.