A Life More Complete (27 page)

“What?” he demands. He’s like Chicago
weather, one minute warm and welcoming the next cold and icy.

“Don’t be mad at me. Please.” I
nearly beg.

“Why? You don’t care what I think. You
do the opposite of what I tell you no matter what. Don’t wear the short dress
and you still walk out the door. Don’t make friends with clients and one is on
our couch watching TV.” His voice loud and I pull the phone away from my ear.

“Tyler, I do care what you think. I
wouldn’t be apologizing and begging you if I didn’t care. I hate this. I don’t
know what’s going to set you off. I want to be able to live my life without
always wondering if what I am doing is going to make you mad. You have some
preconceived notion of who I’m supposed to be and I don’t think I can fit that
mold. Ever.” I’m beginning to raise my voice and I can feel the tears pooling
in my eyes. “You’re upsetting me. Please.”

“Fine. You’re forgiven. Is that what
you need to hear?”

“Please don’t be so condescending. I
wanted to enjoy my evening, but that’s over. I hope you have a nice night.” I
quickly hang up the phone before he has a chance to respond. I turn the ringer
off and throw the phone on my bed.

I apologize to Trini for being gone
so long. I take a seat next to her on the couch and she looks at me with pity.

“Did your relationship with Ben end
because of me?” she asks. A bold question that seems to have come from nowhere.

I immediately lie. “No,” I say but I
can’t elaborate anymore than that without admitting it did.

“You’re a liar. I know it did and I
want you to know that I like Tyler, but...” she trails off not completing her
thought.

“Okay, maybe you were part of it. It
was mostly the job, but at that time things were rough for you. It was a build
up of a lot of things.” I breathe in deeply and decide to share with her
something I haven’t told anyone. Maybe it’s because I’m disappointed in myself
for not being able to make it work or that I’m embarrassed that I couldn’t give
just a little. “Ben wanted to marry me. He wanted to have kids. He wanted us to
be a family and it scared the shit out of me. When he ended it I didn’t fight
for it and I should have.” I can feel the tears fall down my cheeks silently. “I
loved him and I made a mess of it.”

“I’m sorry,” is all Trini can say as
I keep unloading all my insecurities on her. I tell her how I want to marry
Tyler, but how he’s so difficult. I also admit that I just might be settling
for second best, because of what happened with Ben. Tyler is a safety net. He’s
there to fill the absence of what could’ve been.

We stay up far too late, talking
about her issues and mine. We both conclude that we are far more screwed up
than anyone should be. But she tells me to marry Tyler, because in her opinion
he loves me. I feel for her, because she says that she wouldn’t even know what
it feels like to be loved by a man. It’s never been part of her life and she
doubts it ever will be. It breaks my heart.

Trini calls her driver around two in
the morning and he shows up within minutes to pick her up. I thank her for
listening to me bitch all night.

“What are friends for?” she says. “You’re
always there when I need you; I thought it was about time I returned the favor.
Please don’t dwell on this. It’ll work itself out. I’m a perfect example of
that. It might take a while, but be patient. Love you,” she says, hugging me.

“Thank
you. Love you, too”

Tyler arrives home just in time to
leave for Bob’s house warming party on Friday night. I spent the better part of
the afternoon making homemade cupcakes and frosting, something I find oddly
soothing. I’m putting the cupcakes in the car as Tyler hauls into the driveway.
He pulls his bag from the car and walks past me without saying a word. We haven’t
spoken since the argument about Trini. I can’t even begin to think about all
the other bullshit he claims I’ve done. This time he can apologize to me, but
even I know that is like waiting for hell to freeze over. I’m done being the
one in this relationship who gives in. I meet him as he climbs out of the
shower. His face wears a stoic expression, but the effort he gives to ignore me
is extreme.

“I’m leaving in ten minutes. You can
join me if you like, but you don’t have to,” I say walking away without giving
him a second look.

I’m putting my shoes on as he comes
into the bedroom wearing just a towel pulled tightly around his waist. His hair
is longer and beginning to curl. The few weeks he has been living with me his
tan has become permanent, his hair blonder and his body more defined. He’s
extremely hard to ignore. When he finally speaks to me his voice is hoarse and
I know he’s been smoking pot again. I shake my head at his teenage behavior and
I start to wonder if he will ever outgrow this mentality. My conscience screams
“no” and as I piece together all his well-defined behaviors, I know the answer
is no. Although Tyler is able to keep a successful business running and create
the illusion of being an independent and self-sufficient adult, he still lives
half the life of a nineteen year old college student.

“You ready?” he asks.

“Yep. I’m glad you decided to join
me. I missed you.” I truly did miss him and I didn’t really want to spend my
night without him.

We climb in the car while I repeat in
my head Tyler’s words about not having to fill the silence. The ride begins to
wear on me as it takes over an hour to go twenty miles and I hear Tyler mumble
under his breath as I sigh and begin strumming my fingers on the steering
wheel. Traffic can make you insane.

“What did you say?” I snap.

“Nothing,” he snaps back.

“Yes you did. I heard you. Stop
acting like a petulant child. You’re not a teenager anymore and I am not your
mother, so stop mumbling under your breath and tell me what you said.” My voice
is loud in the small car and his blue eyes widen at my words.

“I said that traffic sucks and that I
should’ve just stayed home. Happy now?”

“No, not really. I’m tired of this,”
I say and I don’t mean the traffic.

“Tired of what?” he asks and he
honestly sounds like he doesn’t have a clue.

“Tired of all this bullshit. The
constant feeling that you’re mad at me.”

“Those are your hang-ups, Kristin,
not mine,” he says looking out the window.

I detest it when he calls me Kristin,
adding to my building fury. “Fine, whatever.” I can’t even begin this argument
with him, so we sit in silence.

I pull up next to the curb at Bob’s
house and climb out. Pulling the boxed cupcakes from the trunk I turn and glance
at the house. There’s nothing exceptional about it. It’s the same tiny ranch
style as every other house in the neighborhood, except Bob’s house has been
expertly landscaped by Ben. I’d know his work anywhere.

Tyler snaps me from my thoughts with
his callous tone, “What are you doing?” His face is sour and his brow furrowed
as he stares at me holding three large boxes of cupcakes stacked on top of each
other in my arms. He doesn’t make an attempt to assist me when he sees me
struggling to close the trunk.

“Nothing,” I tell him as he follows
me up to the front door. “Can you at least try to be civil? Please?” I look at
him and smile sweetly. He returns it with a small closed mouth smile.
        

I find Bob in the kitchen and he
helps with the cupcakes, setting them down on the already over-crowded kitchen
table. He gushes about the cupcakes knowing I made them just for him. They’re
his favorite and since he moved away I don’t bake as much as I used to. I
introduce him to Tyler and they shake hands, but they say little to each other.
Bob tells Tyler that the drinks are out back and Tyler excuses himself to get a
drink.

“Krissy, do you want anything?” he
asks as he walks away.

“Sure. I’ll have a beer. Whatever’s
in the cooler is fine.”

Bob looks at me apologetically when
Tyler is out of the picture. He takes my hand and asks me if I realize who did
the landscaping.

“Of course I know. Why?”

“You’re not mad are you? He does such
amazing work. I couldn’t pass up the chance to have him work on the house. It
turned out beautiful.” Bob is rambling not even allowing me a chance to answer.
“You should see the pool out back. I feel like I live at a spa.”

“Bob, I’m not mad. It’s no big deal. I
can’t believe he came all the way out here though. It’s pretty far from his
usual radius.”

“It is, but when I asked him he said
that he always helps out friends. He gave us an awesome deal. It was almost too
much to even accept.”

“I’m not surprised. He’s a very
generous person.” Bob is still eyeing me suspiciously and I know he has more to
tell.

“What is it? There’s more. I can
tell.” I lovingly pat his cheek. “I know that face.”

“He’s here.”

The smile drops from my face, but I
try to play it off like I don’t care. I haven’t seen Ben since that day in his
office. We’d texted a couple of times, but mostly those were just questions
about current projects he was working on and I also filled him in about Rachel’s
wedding.
     

“He brought a date, so I told him
about Tyler. I tried to help. I knew you wouldn’t want to do it.” Bob was
right. I planned to carry on as if Ben had never existed and the thought of
explaining myself to him was worse than anything. “Don’t worry, his date has
nothing on you.” This comment makes me smile inwardly and I secretly want to
shout “yes”. “She’s not his type at all. Her name is Jessica and she’s wearing
far too much makeup and five inch heels. Who wears five inch heels to a house
warming party?”

“Melinda,” I say jokingly.

“You know what I mean. She’s just
dreadful. Maybe for Ben? I don’t know. I’m partial to you, so it’s hard. You
guys were just so, I don’t know, natural together.” Bob stops short of
continuing as Tyler approaches.

He comes up behind me and hands me a
Bud Light. I wince. I hate Bud Light. Bob looks at me and knows my exact
thought. Bob offers me Rolling Rock from the fridge, but I decline. I hate that
Tyler doesn’t remember what I like and dislike. Tyler’s oblivious, sometimes
intentionally oblivious, either that or he’s far too self absorbed to notice.

“No, it’s okay,” I say opening the
beer and taking a long drink that causes me to feel like I might gag. Bob moves
away quietly to greet some guests that have just arrived. I don’t want to start
with Tyler at Bob’s house so I drink it down quickly.

“I didn’t know you didn’t like Bud
Light,” he says as he leans in close to my ear and chills run down my spine. “You
should have said something. You told me to get anything. Your friend made me
look like an asshole.”

I want to tell him that he makes
himself look like an asshole, but I restrain myself. I have told Tyler
repeatedly that I don’t drink Bud Light, but he’s never bothered to listen.

“He wasn’t trying to make you look
like an asshole. He just knows me really well. Bob and Melinda are my family
out here. We spend a lot of time together and we know a lot about each other.” I
hope that my words diffuse our already shitty situation. He seems to ignore me
as he watches a leggy blonde in a bikini make her way toward the pool out the
sliding glass door. “Now you’re making yourself look like an asshole,” I mutter,
leaving him standing in the kitchen. Tyler heads in the direction of the
catering table and mumbles to me about getting something to eat.

Seconds later I run into Jon and he
greets me warmly with a kiss and a hug. He asks where my beautiful fiancé is
and I tell him he’s acting like a dick. Before I can elaborate someone calls
him back into the house.

I give in and meet Tyler at the
buffet table on the patio. “Are you hungry?” he asks handing me a plate. We
fill our plates and take a seat at a table filled with people I don’t know. We
talk with the people around us about the basics and the table begins to clear
out. Tyler and I are left alone and I decide now would be a good time to
mention Ben, since I haven’t seen him yet.

“So, Ty? My ex is here. I just
thought I’d let you know. There’s no weirdness between us or anything, but I
thought I should tell you.” I take a deep breath and realize then that I’d
stopped breathing.

“Why’s he here?” His face shows
confusion, since Tyler knows the story of how I met Ben.

“He put in the pool,” I sputter out
and it sounds ridiculous as the words leave my mouth. I know full well that Ben’s
job is not installing pools, but in my nervous explanation that’s how it comes
out.

“Your ex installs pools for a living?”
he asks sounding disgusted and appalled.

“Not exactly. He owns the company and
he does a little of everything. Landscaping, lawn care, pool cleaning and
installation, but mostly he’s the landscape architect. His father started the
company and he took over.”

“Oh,” he says going back to the
fajita left of his plate. The look on his face says he’s beyond this
conversation. Tyler finishes the rest of his food and excuses himself to the
bathroom.