A Little Bit of Crazy (Little Bits) (13 page)

     “Sorry James, thought you deserved to know,” Paul snaps and looks at me once more. “I fuckin loved you. Christ I still do. Yet I fucking hate you at the same time. You’re a selfish bitch Meme. Always was, I was too fuckin blinded by your sweet side that I lost my fuckin balls on the way. Not anymore.” He grabs his jacket off the back of the couch and we watch as he leaves the apartment. Jeremy exhales deeply and Kyle sits on the couch with a grin as if watching an episode of Jerry Springer.

     “James,” I mumble and reach for his hand. He’s stood, motionless, staring at the spot Paul vacated. “Baby.”

     “Is it true?” he hisses still not looking at me. I stay quiet, I really don’t think this is a great time to be having it out. “I said is it true?”

     “We’re going to bail, we’ll call you,” Jeremy says and drags Kyle off the couch. “I’m really sorry guys.” They both leave. I release James’ hand and go to the bedroom.

     He follows silently behind and watches as I sit on the bed and bury my face in my hands. “Is it true?”

     “Yes,” I mumble and look up at him. “We had an understanding for a while. I didn’t know how he felt.”

     “Would you have married him?” he says and sits beside me. “Would you have married him if he’d told you before?”

     I shake my head, “No, I just wouldn’t have been so quick to marry his friend.” I ignore the hurt look in his eyes. “He’s right. I’m a bitch.”

     “How long have you both been seeing each other?”

     “We were fucking since I was nineteen,” I gulp before telling him the next part. “He was my first.”

     I watch as his eyes close and his nostrils flare. His hands fist on his lap and suddenly my lamp is flying at the wall. “FUCK!” he screams and launches the bedside table after it. I watch them both shatter, all of my muscles frozen stiff, my eyes wide in horror as he trashes the bedroom. “Fuck! Fuck! He always used to go on about Meme, fucking Meme. How fucking perfect and great she is. How awesome in bed. How much he loves her. How long he’ll wait for her to settle down. No other girl in the world for him but her!”

     “I didn’t know.”

     His angry glare turns to me, “Two days before our wedding you had one of my best men in your mouth. What the fuck Maya?” I watch as his anger turns to hurt. “You were fucking my best friend. You were… god. How could you be so fucking cold?”

     “I warned you, I’ve never lied about who I am,” I say but my voice breaks revealing my sorrow. “I’m sorry.” I am sorry, I’ve never felt ashamed of my past until now.

     “You warned me but I never knew what a bitch you could actually be! And you let me rub it in his face!” he grips his hair in his hands. “You’re sick. Completely fucking sick.”

     His words cut me deep but I know I deserve them. “I’ll go to the other room.”

     “You don’t get to do that!” he shouts and grabs my shoulders with an almost bruising force. “You don’t fucking get to do that! Run away, every single time we have a spat. Every single time I get angry and you walk away like I’m the dick! This is all on you! All on you!”

      I nod and sit back on the bed saying nothing.

     “Say something!” he shrieks at me and starts pacing.

     I drop my head and sigh. “I can’t say anything. You’re right, I’m a cold heartless bitch.”

     “Now you’re just feeling sorry for yourself.”

     “Now you’re trying to cause an argument. I’m sorry, I mean it. I didn’t know until it was too late and I wasn’t going to tell you. I’m selfish, I hate conflict and right now I feel like a bitch because you’re hurting and contrary to what you believe I do care that you’re hurting and I don’t know what to do to make it better!” I rant and look up at him. “I’m sorry baby. Just tell me what to do.”

     “You were fucking Frankie as well?” he says and slides down the wall onto his ass.

     I nod and look at the wall above his head, “Yes. About six months after I lost my virginity I started with Frankie. About four months into it Frankie begged me to be with him properly. He knew I was screwing Paul, Paul knew I was screwing Frankie. I ended it with him. I just wanted fun I didn’t want to be tied down.”

     “Why did you tie yourself down with me?” James looks straight at me. “The truth.”

     “We both know how you deal with the truth,” I grumble and inhale a calming breath. “You know why. I married you because my father was dying and he begged me to. He pleaded with me, said he trusted you and you’d make a great husband and father and CEO of our company.”

     “That’s the only reason?” he roars and jumps to his feet. “The only fucking reason you married me is because your father was dying. So if he wasn’t dying you never would have?”

     “Considering he begged me for almost six months I’d say no. I never would have if he hadn’t have told me at the same time he told me his chemo failed.” I shout back. “I’m sorry but it’s the truth.”

     “So if your dad told you to marry Paul or even Jeremy you would have?”

     I take another breath, wishing the air was suddenly whiskey. “Yes. I would have done anything to make him happy on his death bed. Anything.”

     “Fuck,” James gasps and stumbles back as if I’d punched him in the gut. “Shit. Shit. Shit.” He grips his hair again and I notice the shine in his eyes from unshed tears, it cuts through me like a jagged knife. “What about now? If I gave you a divorce would you take it?”

     My eyes scan his face, “Are you giving me a divorce?” Please don’t say yes.

     “Answer the question.”

     “Are you?”

     “If I say yes how will you react?”

     I sigh and start pacing the room, “James. If you give me a divorce I’d accept it and move on.”

     I hear his sharp intake of breath, I hear the sob that tears through him. He drops to his knees and looks up at me as if I’d just torn his world in half. “Just like that? You wouldn’t fight for me?”

     “I would respect your decision.” I say giving him an apologetic smile. “Maybe you’re asking the wrong questions.”

     “I can’t deal with this right now,” he murmurs and his shoulders sag. “Are you ever going to love me?”

     I look at him in the eye, “I do love you.”

     “But not like I love you.”

     I roll my eyes, “No, I love you. A lot actually. But if you wanted a divorce I wouldn’t force you to stay. I’ve always said you were too good for me I’m just waiting for the day you realize it. If that day is today why should I chase you? I’d rather sit at home with a broken heart then try and keep a man I love so fucking much tied to me after all the shit I’ve done to hurt him. You deserve better than me James. I’ve always been honest with you. Right now I’m being honest. I don’t know when it happened or how but I fucking love you. More than I love myself.”

     James is up off the floor in less than a second and his hands cup my face, “You mean that?”

     I nod with a sheepish smile, “Wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”

     A smile breaks out over his face and suddenly his lips are on mine. I whimper as he devours my mouth, his hands crushing my face and every inch they grab. “I love you,” he says against my mouth whilst coming up for air. “You’ve just made me the unhappiest and then the happiest man alive. Christ Maya. You’re so fucked up but I love it, I love you. You’re mine.”

     I fold into him and allow him to drag me onto the bed. He doesn’t fuck me, he doesn’t screw me, he doesn’t even make love to me he just holds me, as if I’m the only anchor keeping him to the earth. We fall asleep tangled up together and I’ve never felt more content since before my dad died.

    But one thought lingers, he has forgiven me yet again. I really do not deserve him.

     I run with music this morning, it’s shocking to me. It’s been a week since Paul made his announcement. Luckily Kyle and Jeremy hold no ill will over me but Paul is still devastated and apparently won’t speak to James.

     My office is a mad house, builders and dust everywhere. It’s revolting. James thinks there’s problem with the piping as do most people in the building. I’m grateful that he doesn’t suspect me at all. But I’m an honest person, I don’t lie, he knows this. He has no reason to not trust me over trivial things.   Luckily it should only be another couple of weeks until the renovations are done.

     So tonight, my plans you ask? Tonight I am meeting my mother in law, (Aka Sylvia the sinus blocker, I call her this because every time she invites me anywhere I suddenly get a cold), for dinner. She doesn’t favor me much I don’t think. Even though she’s the one who made my wedding dress, which was bloody beautiful. I don’t care in all honesty, I get why she doesn’t like me. I’m practically ruining her son’s chance at happiness. She’s his mother, if I had a mother I imagine she’d be protective over me as well.

     “You look absolutely stunning,” James smiles as I straighten his tie. I’m wearing a lilac, silk dress with an empire waist and white heels with matching bag. My long hair is twisted up with a few loose curls dangling around my face.

     Considering the news he found out concerning Paul and his friend Frankie he’s been great. Says he can’t blame me as I have been honest with him and as much as it hurts him and pisses him off, our relationship wasn’t official until we got married. Of course after that night he tore me a new asshole, metaphorically speaking and then he fucked his aggression into me and by god it was beautiful.

     He’s disappointed in me but we’re getting there. Now I just need to settle the matter of his brother. Phelps called about two hours ago with more information regarding Lucas. He says I’m good to go that all arrows are pointing to him.

     “You look rather nice yourself,” I grin and kiss him on the lips. He grins down at me, “Tell me again.”

     I roll my eyes but give him what he wants. “I love you.”

     “Again.”

     “I love you.”

     He groans as if I’m giving him sexual satisfaction and clutches my head to his chest. “Damn baby. I’ll never get tired of hearing that.”

     I giggle and slap his chest before pulling away. “Come on, let’s go handle the dragon lady.”

     “She’s not that bad.”

     I raise an eyebrow at him.

     He relents, “Ok, I agree if it was my mother versus Godzilla, she’d win hands down. But still…”

     “But nothing cutie. How much time we got? My libido is screaming for a little tickle.”

     He laughs once and kneels in front of me, “I definitely drew the long straw.”

     “My libido was just thinking the same thing,” I giggle as he slides my dress up my hips.

     “Here she comes, get the priest,” I hiss in James’ ear. His body shakes with silent laughter. “Dammit, where is that waiter with my holy water? Hi Sylvia!” I say the last part in a high pitched tone, deafening to dogs ears.

     “Maya darling, how is my wonderful daughter in law and my gorgeous son?” she smiles as she kisses both of us. James pushes her chair in and comes to sit back beside me. She goes on, “So sorry to hear you’ve been ill. We did miss you at the charity lunch on Monday.”

     James frowns, a perplexed look coming over his face, “Maya hasn’t…” He grunts when I boot him under the table.

     “Yes, I was ever so sick.” I recover and take James’ hand in my own, digging my nails in for extra emphasis on the SHUT YOUR BLOODY MOUTH vibe I am currently giving out. “I will come to the next one.”

     Sylvia runs her fingers through the ends of her short silvery bob and smiles deviously at me. “Thank you for the check you sent. Two hundred thousand was it?” James splutters a little and gapes at me. “That was a very generous amount. James, you look a little pale.”

     He releases my hand and dabs at his mouth with the napkin, “Sorry. I didn’t realize we’d donated such a large sum.”

     “Yes, that’s just under half a year’s wages for you isn’t it?” I see the calculating smirk but ignore it and down my vodka and cranberry. “I thought you knew. So far in the past three months alone you’ve donated just under a million dollars to different charities.”

     “Is there a problem with the amount Sylvia?” I say, my teeth clenched. “I was under the impression the charities needed money. Besides, I haven’t donated in over a year so I splurged this month.”

     “I understand you are a millionaire but you should watch what you spend Maya.” Sylvia chastises, a frown wrinkling up her face. “Especially when my son isn’t aware. What will you do if you go bankrupt?”