A Little Bit of Crazy (Little Bits) (28 page)

     “Come on, let’s go watch the movie,” Jacob smiles and drags me into the room. “I’m working tomorrow but I’m free from seven. Want to do something?”

     “Sulk.”

     “We’ll go to the fair.”

     “And find a booth that I can sulk in.”

     “And find a ride you can scream on,” he grins mischievously, totally ignoring me. Whatever. He sighs at my blank face and pauses the movie. Uh-oh. I don’t like that look on his face. “Talk to me. Tell me how you feel.”

     I frown and shake my head, “I’m angry, humiliated. I don’t talk about my feelings but I’ll give you the summary. I’m hurt. And it fucking sucks.” With a nod that would be queen of all conversation nods I groan and reach for the remote. He pulls it away from me and raises his eyebrow. “He made me love him. I was fine, but he kept pushing and pushing. Now I’m like this and he’s…”

     “You could forgive him you know. He didn’t do it for pleasure. He did it for revenge.” I want to slap him but I don’t. “He fucked up. He’s paying for it. Talk to him.”

     “Whose side are you on?”

     “Yours. Totally yours. He’s done a dick thing but…” he rubs his hands over his face. “I think you’ll regret this decision if you don’t really think about it.” That’s all I ever do. “And really talk to him about it. Then decide on divorce before it’s too late.”

     He holds a good point but not a strong enough one. “I’ll talk to him before the hearing in three weeks, when I go back.” With a small smile he presses play and stretches out on the opposite side of the huge couch. Let the movie begin.

Love scenes. Yuck.

Sex scenes. Double yuck.

Sex scene on a train. Looks interesting.
Chugga chugga choo choo.

    “Will you stop huffing and sighing and what’s with the train noises?” I blink at Jacob who cracks up. His body shakes with laughter. “Damn I’m glad I met you.”

     “Shush. I’m pretending I’m a train.”

   “Favorite animal?”

     Hmm… “Pig… no cat… no tiger… no a chimp… no a giraffe. Hell…” I scrunch up my nose in thought. “Wolf. Definitely a wolf.”

     “Ok. Favorite color.”

     “Purple… no green. Hmmm… Maybe silver?” I shrug and stare out of the large window.

     “Favorite name.”

     I have no idea.

     “Favorite TV show.”

     “Vampire diaries.”

     “Movie.”

     “That’s a tough one,” I rub my face and stare at the woman through her half-moon glasses. Should have gone to Spec savers. “What’s the point of this again?”

      She watches me, her face impassive and shrugs, “Helps me get to know you.”

     “And…” I prompt now sitting up and leaning on my elbows.

     “Seems to me like you’re an intelligent woman with no clue what she wants or who she is.” Well doc I could have told myself that and saved myself six hundred dollars for this pointless meeting. “You miss him.”

     “Of course I do,” and that’s the first time I’ve said it out loud. “I miss him more than I would miss breathing.”

     “Have you tried seeking him out since the divorce?” she asks already knowing the answer. I shake my head anyway. “Does he still message you? Or try to make contact?”

     I nod, “All the time.”

     “You don’t reply?” Of course I don’t that would be bad. Because then I’d forgive him. “Maybe you should. You need to talk to him sooner or later.”

     It’s been three months since the divorce was finalized. Three months since I met with James and shattered our relationship completely.

     I remember walking into his office three hours before the hearing. Just looking at the desk and the chair and the room that I’d had built for him made me feel sick to my stomach. He rushed over and immediately pulled me into his arms. I sagged into him, into his strength, his scent, everything about him completely made for me.

     “Baby,” he whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek. “I miss you. Come home.”

     “We’re here to finalize the divorce.” I stated, every bit the business woman I actually am and can be with the flick of a mind switch. “You wanted to talk, so talk.”

     He looked at me with sad tired eyes and led me to the couch facing out over the city. We sat and stared at each other. “I’m sorry.”

     “You’ve said.”

     We spoke, we resolved nothing. I couldn’t forget, I couldn’t forgive and I couldn’t go back to him. Hell, I still can’t. I’m even seeing a damn shrink. He begged for me back, I refused. I won’t go into detail, there was a lot of crying on my part, a lot on his. Then his mom showed up…

     “So this is what it has boiled down to,” she said with a stern look and turns to me. “You need to really think about think about this.” She turned to her son. “And you… are a damn idiot.” We both nodded feeling like naughty children. I left and headed to the hearing.

     “He keeps his position, he can have the flat.” It was shit. James wouldn’t sign, I signed in three seconds. Like ripping off a band aid. Quick, easy and painful.

     His mom followed us and insisted he follow reason and then she turned to me and spat, “He’s sorry you heartless bitch. You clearly didn’t care about him at all.” Ouch.

     I just shrugged and said, “You’re right. I didn’t.” Got up and left him looking dejected and hurt without looking back.

     I’m still rooming with Jacob, mainly because he enjoys having me there and I enjoy being there. Marie came down last week for a few days. That was fun, she brought my car up. I gave it to her. Already bought a new one.

     Most people are on my side, most. Jessica isn’t really talking to me because I’m an idiot apparently and should forgive him. The only people I have left are Marie and Jacob who both agree with me. At first Jacob didn’t but then his dad cheated on his mom and now he has a totally new view on the matter.

     It rarely rains in LA but when it does it hammers. That’s what is happening right now outside whilst I sit and stare at the blue lines confirming what the doctor already told me. I don’t mean my shrink doctor I mean my doctor, doctor. The rain is an apt description of how I feel inside, stormy, grey, dull, annoying and depressing. Shit.