Authors: Linda Schmalz
Julia unconsciously reached for her drink and took a small sip. Surprisingly, she found the wine sweet and pleasant. “Well, it’s not serious.” She suffered a pang of guilt. John was certainly serious about her.
“What does that mean?”
“It means what it means,” she said. “What about you?”
“No, I don’t have a boyfriend,” Sam answered with a twinkle in his eye. “Although sometimes Polly feels as if I’m headed that way.”
“Very funny.” Julia reached for more cheese and another sip of wine. “She does worry about you though.”
“Yes, well she’s worried that I will end up an old bachelor or, worse yet, married to Deirdre.”
Julia saw her opening and ran with it. Feeling emboldened by either the peacefulness of the pond, or the spirit of the wine, she forged ahead.
“I heard you mention her as we left the Abbey.”
Sam rolled onto his back, studying the sky. “Oh bloody hell! If Deirdre had her way, she and I’d be married and living in her mansion surrounded by all her blue-blood friends.”
“She’s very beautiful,” Julia tested.
“So are you.” He turned and looked at her.
“She’s rich, Sam.” His compliments would not sidetrack her from the answers she needed.
Sam sat up. “She’s not you.”
Julia smiled, but before she could respond, Sam continued. “Ah. But then again, you have ‘the non-serious’ boyfriend waiting for you at home.”
“Stop it!” Julia could take the bait and switch no longer. “Why do you always do that?”
“What is it that I do?”
“You act like you like me, and then in the next sentence you make my life sound silly or completely dismiss me.”
“What are you talking about?” Sam looked away and Julia realized he knew exactly what she meant. But she was undeterred. She wanted answers.
“Back in the church, you wanted to kiss me, and then you stopped. And now you
tease
me about my relationship back home!” Julia’s fists curled. “ What does it matter to
you
if John is a boyfriend?”
Sam took a deep breath. He stared at the wine bottle as he spoke, his voice laced with anger. “Because I don’t know what to do about you. You have a boyfriend in America and you have to leave me soon. How can I even think about acting on my feelings for you?” He gazed out at the pond. “Do you even care?”
Julia became alive at his words. He
did
have feelings for her. He wasn’t angry; he was as frustrated with this situation as she was.
“John isn’t a boyfriend in the way you might think,” she stared at the tablecloth, unable to look at Sam, embarrassed about her relationship. “I’m not in love with him, not like I should be. He’s been a friend forever, and so, in high school, it just seemed natural to have someone to go out with. I know that there should be more, that I should feel differently.”
“How does he feel about you?”
“He says he loves me, but I don’t think he knows what love is either. I’m his first girlfriend.”
“I see,” Sam said. “So you’re having a relationship with a guy who may or may not really love you, and you’re staying in the relationship until somebody better comes along?”
Julia reached for her drink, and finished the sweet wine. “No. I never meant to use John. I guess I just didn’t know how different my feelings could be until I met-”
Julia stopped herself. She looked over to Sam and his eyes met hers.
“I know, Julia. I know. I didn’t know what I was missing in my own relationships either, until lately.”
“Really?” She beamed.
“My family always stressed I should marry Deirdre,” he said. “Thing is, I’ve never been attracted to her. Yes, she’s beautiful, rich, what have you, but there’s something missing between us. I could never talk with her about things important to me. You and I talked about those things the first night we met. I can talk with you about the things I’m passionate about and your eyes don’t glaze over in boredom.”
“I love to hear about your work!”
“Exactly my point, Julia. You understand me.” Sam reached across the tablecloth and took her hand in his. “But, very soon, I must put you on a plane and send you away.”
“Don’t make me cry.” The thought of leaving became more painful by the moment.
“I never intend to make you cry again,” he said, his eyes earnest. “I felt horrible when you cried in the theater.”
“I was an idiot.”
“No. You’re still in pain from your mother’s death, and disappointed that you can’t pursue acting.” He reached up and pushed a long strand of her hair gently behind her ear. “Understandable.”
“Thank you.”
Sam moved closer. “Why have I fallen for someone who has to leave me?”
Julia looked up at the strong, handsome face she adored. “Move to the U.S.”
Sam threw his head back and laughed. “If only that were possible. But my career will keep me here for now. But I want to know you better, to have more time with you.”
“I wish I could stay longer.”
“Julia, that day I came to the square to hear you sing, I was supposed to return to London. Call it fate, what have you, but I stayed, watched you sing, and I felt, for the first time in my life, a connection with someone. And I can’t shake it, Julia, nor do I think I want to.”
Sam enveloped her in his arms pulling her close so she rested against his chest. She relaxed against Sam, enjoying the security of his embrace and the warmth of the sun. Together they sat silent for a moment, and watched two graceful swans swim side by side. She wanted to stay lost in this moment forever. She hoped Sam felt the same.
“It’s been a beautiful day, Sam. Thank you.” She turned her face up to his, anticipating the feel of his lips against her own.
Sam looked into her eyes but released her from his arm, his voice gentle. “We should get going. It will be dark soon.”
“Sam?” Julia’s confusion overwhelmed her and she could not handle the rejection, yet
again.
Sam packed the picnic items. “I care about you, and this just can’t go further. I respect you too much, Julia. You’re leaving in a week and I might not see you again.”
Julia swallowed her pain. “Then what am I supposed to do? Pretend that these feelings don’t exist? I can’t do that, Sam. And I’m not writing you off because I have to go home. There are such things as phones and mail.”
Sam shooed her off the tablecloth so he could fold it. “You should really use this type of conviction on your father about acting.”
“Stop changing the subject!” She rose and crossed her arms as if the gesture might somehow contain her frustration.
Sam dropped the tablecloth and walked to where she stood. “Julia. How can I promise you any relationship, long-distanced or otherwise, when I don’t even know where I’m going to be in six months? My career-” His eyes grew wide as he glanced at his watch. “Oh bloody hell! My agent said he’d call this afternoon. Look at the time! Quickly, quickly now, help me pack up. We need to hurry to my flat for the call.”
“I know that’s important,” Julia said, not moving an inch to help. “But what about us?”
Sam put the last of the supplies in the basket. His voice fell flat. “I think it’s best that, after today, we part ways. You know your way around London well enough to go it alone. You’ll have plenty of company with Polly, too. I’ll arrange for Barnabas to drive you back to the airport next week.”
“Sam, no-”
What have I done?
“It’s hard for me to think of you on that plane.” Sam wouldn’t look at her. “I hate this, but I should let you go. In the long run, it’s for the best.”
“It’s not!” Julia’s voice rose and she resisted the urge to shake him. How could he give up so easily? “What ever happened to ‘tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’?”
“Have you loved and lost, Julia?”
“My mother.”
Sam sighed, his exasperation evident. “I meant, have you ever been romantically in love with someone and lost them?”
Julia looked down. “No.”
“Yes. Well then.” He finished the last of the packing and stood. “Neither have I, on purpose. I can’t risk the pain, Julia. I’ve had enough of it in my life and I think you have too.”
Sam turned and headed towards the sidewalk.
Julia watched him walk away, her wounded heart searing open with every step he took.
During the bus ride to his flat, Sam lit one cigarette after another. Small talk was no use as he sensed Julia’s anger and disappointment. He tried to concentrate on the call waiting for him, but his mind fixated on Julia, the way she felt in his arms at lunch and how it took every ounce of his strength not to kiss her. He reminded himself that the pain they felt now was nothing compared to what it would be like to start something and have to part. She needed to understand that. He needed to accept it as well, although every physical touch from her, even the soft brush of her hip against his as they now sat side by side, urged him otherwise. He did want her. He needed her in his life. But their destinies ran parallel with no intersection in sight.
With only silence between them, the bus ride lasted forever, but finally they reached their destination. Sam and Julia departed the vehicle and walked the rest of the way to Sam’s flat.
At the top step to his building Sam stubbed out his cigarette. “I’m not sure how long this phone call will take, Julia. You should come up.”
“I’ll wait here, thanks.” She crossed her arms and looked down the street.
Sam sighed, impatient to get to the phone. “That’s incredibly noble of you, love, but I don’t live in the safest part of town.”
“I’m a big girl. I’ll be fine.”
Sam ran his hand through his hair. “Look. I’m sorry you’re angry with me, but please be angry in my flat. At least I’ll know you’re angry and alive.”
“Fine.” She shrugged her shoulders and followed him into the building.
Sam opened the apartment door with his key, and placed the picnic basket aside. He switched on a light as Julia closed the door.
“Make yourself at home.” His face flushed at the sight of his home. Would she even be able to find somewhere to sit amongst the sparse furnishings littered with scripts and books? He watched as she removed a stack of papers from an overstuffed plaid chair and sat.
He looked across the living room to his desk. The answering machine light blinked steadily. “There’s a message, by God.” Sam stared at the machine. It
had
to be Larry Minor, his agent, who called. Unless, damn it, Deirdre phoned yet again demanding a return call.
“Well, listen to it. Get it over with.” Julia’s voice remained flat. Could she not muster up even a tad of excitement?
Sam paced in front of the desk. “I just can’t bear to hear I lost the role.”
The loud, shrill ring of the phone startled them both. Sam lifted the receiver, his heart beating faster than humming bird wings in flight.
“Where the hell have you been all day, Sam?” Larry sounded chipper, a good sign. “I have news on the role. I left you a message.”
“Sorry just got in.” Sam’s entire body tensed as he listened to Larry. He tried to keep his voice calm. “Oh. Really? You’re kidding? Why yes, that’s fine, of course, you know that. Wow. Okay. Yes, yes I can. I will. Thank you. Thank you so much, Larry.”
Sam replaced the receiver, his mind a whirlwind of emotions.
“Well?” Julia’s voice, still edged with anger, broke his shocked reverie.
“Julia.” Sam turned and walked towards her as if seeing her for the first time. He knelt in front of her chair, and took her hands. “I can’t believe it.”
“You got the part?” Her eyes widened.
Sam held her tighter. “Not exactly.”
“Oh Sam, I’m sorry.” Her eyes softened with genuine sympathy.
Sam realized his error. “Oh no, Julia. I didn’t get the part I auditioned for, the friend of the lead.” His eyes lit but his voice fell to a whisper. He could barely believe his own words. “I won
the lead
. Bryce Wilmington!”
Julia’s mouth dropped open. “You did? The lead in the mini-series?”
Sam allowed the reality of the moment to finally sink in. “Yes, Julia, yes, the lead!” Without thinking, he pulled her to her feet and into his arms. “The lead, Julia! I got it!”
Julia returned the hug with a quick squeeze and then tried to pull away. But Sam, aware of her soft, warm body pressed against his own, held her.
“Just stay with me a moment,” he said. “I just need to share this moment with you. I may never be this happy again.”
This time, she did not pull away. He felt her body relax against him as she placed her head against his chest. He stroked her hair.
“Julia, I’m so happy.”
“Sam, I-” She lifted her head to speak, but as she turned those cornflower blue eyes up to his, and parted her sweet lips, Sam’s resistance broke. His mouth melted hot and urgent into hers. She returned his kisses with unabashed abandonment.
After a moment, Julia suddenly pushed him away. Tears welled in her eyes as she wiped her hand across her mouth.