Authors: Linda Schmalz
She squeezed his hand, and dropped her head. “I can’t stay in England six months.”
“Yes, I know. But you can take me back with you.”
Julia looked up, wondering if he’d gone mad. It angered her how flippant he could be about his situation. “Sure. Like I can just pack you up and off we go.”
Sam started to speak, but was racked with coughing. Julia handed him a nearby water cup, which he sipped until the spasms subsided. He rested his head back on his pillow and spoke, his voice raw, his eyes pale, tired and pleading. “I’m not joking. I don’t want to die here. I’ve spent my entire adult life without you, longing for you, wanting to be near you. Now I have maybe six months. I want to spend them with you. I’ve been lying here for days with nothing to do but contemplate death. I hoped you’d come to me, so I worked up a plan if you did. Call that nursing home you worked at and get me a room. I have the money for it. I needn’t be a burden to your family. But I’ll be close to you.”
Julia tried to hide her shock. She could easily obtain a room for Sam at Willowbrook Nursing Home, given her work record there over the years, but Sam simply didn’t understand her situation. Retaining a room would be simple, but there were bigger hurdles to jump.
He put her in a precarious position. She wanted nothing more than to be with him, sick or not. Her heart would shatter to leave him here, knowing she’d never see him again, knowing she’d leave him to die. But there were other people she needed to consider, lives this would affect. Had Sam thought about them?
“What about Deirdre, Sam? Do you think she’s simply going to let me whisk you away?”
“This is my decision, not hers. I have a right to die where I want. And as for Deirdre, you needn’t worry about her. We haven’t lived as a married couple for years now.”
Julia shook her head. None of this made sense. “What does that mean?”
“I found out I was sick about six months after I saw you in New York. It wasn’t so serious then and the prognosis remained good. I knew Deirdre loved someone else and wanted a divorce, so we were going to go through with it.”
“But you never did divorce her. Again! You never do!” Julia tried not to raise her voice. Would it even have mattered if Sam divorced Deirdre? Would she have left John?
“No we didn’t divorce
legally
.” Sam fought for a few deep breaths. “You see, somehow the press found out about my condition, and it took a lot of money on my part to keep them silent. I didn’t want to go under as ‘Sam Lyons, Afflicted Movie Star’. I want to be known for my work, not my suffering. But there was no way to obtain a divorce quietly, and I had started chemotherapy. I lost a ton of weight and it was obvious something was wrong. Deirdre also felt that she would appear to be simply awful for divorcing me when I had cancer. So, we put the divorce on hold and decided to live separately.”
“Oh please, Sam.” Julia felt her blood pressure rise. “Deirdre had no intention of divorcing you. She just wanted to hold on to you no matter what.”
“No, actually, Julia, she did. She loves someone else.”
“So you still stayed married knowing this?”
“Well, I loved someone else too, you know.” Sam winked at her. “As I said, Deirdre and I stayed together to keep my illness out of the tabloids. I moved back into the McTeel Manor with Barnabas. Do you remember him?”
Julia remembered Polly’s caretaker fondly, although she hadn’t thought of him in years. “He must be very old by now.”
“Yes, he’s pushing ninety and in way better health than I am.” Sam smiled wanly. “Anyhow, the point here, Julia, is that I must leave with you.”
She shook her head again. “It’s not as easy as all that, Sam. You forget I have a family.”
“I could never forget your family,” Sam said, his voice sad.
Julia looked away. She had purposely kept Sam from Elizabeth. “My husband will pitch a fit. He doesn’t even know we saw each other in New York. And he was less than thrilled about this trip to see you.”
“Would he have to know I’m in the nursing home?”
Julia looked at Sam as if he’d gone mad. “Sam, I can’t simply hide you in Willowbrook for six months and not tell my husband why I have a sudden interest in going there each day.”
“Oh, hell, sure you can.” Sam chuckled.
“No.” Julia amazed at her own strength. “If you come, I’ll need to explain everything to John.”
“And then he’ll kill me before I have a chance to die,” Sam sighed, but allowed himself a smile.
Julia felt torn at the decision ahead. “Sam, dear Sam. Are you absolutely sure this is what you want?”
“I want you, Julia, and of that, I am sure.” His smile faded. “I don’t want to die, but in that, I have no choice.” He squeezed her hand. “Help me. Give me what you’ve denied me all these years-” He took a labored breath. “- time with you.”
Julia rose and sat on the bed. She rested her head lightly against his chest. “My sweet, Sam. What am I going to do?”
His arms encircled her as he whispered. “Help me home, Julia.”
Julia’s call to Willowbrook Nursing Home went smoothly. Her many years of faithful employment there won over the facility director, Philip Banks, and he was happy to offer a room for the well-renowned actor, Sam Lyons. He was equally surprised to learn that Julia was a longtime friend of the famous man. Mr. Banks assured her that Sam’s occupancy would be kept confidential and the staff would uphold his anonymity. Sam could register under an alias so as not to arouse suspicion amongst the locals. Mr. Banks explained that keeping Sam’s presence incognito would also be necessary, for the small nursing home was ill-equipped to handle media onslaughts or hoards of fans. At the end of the call, Mr. Banks also assured Julia that, when the time arrived, Hospice care would be available. Julia thanked the director and hung up.
Julia dreaded her next call. Alone in her London hotel room, she pondered the correct way to tell John of her decision, how to remain firm yet win his understanding. She stalled from phoning by fidgeting with her calling card and thinking about the hospital. She had left Sam before Deirdre returned. Even though Deirdre supposedly loved someone else, she stood by Sam through his illness these past five years. Would Deirdre understand his leaving England now? Julia wondered if Sam would have half as hard a time telling Deirdre his plan as she was telling John.
She knew she had to quit stalling and just make the call. She pushed aside all other thoughts and dialed. Her fingers shook as she pushed each button. After an eternity, John’s cheerful voice greeted her. “Riley’s!”
Julia smiled. Every time he answered the phone that way, he sounded like an Irish barkeep.
“Hi John. It’s me.”
“Hi babe.”
Julia winced on hearing his favorite nickname for her.
“How’s it going, Jules? Did your flight go well?”
“Yes, yes, fine. How are the kids?”
“They’re great. I’m holding down the fort. Elizabeth’s hoping you’ll be back in time to help her with a costume for the high school play.”
“I know. I will be. I miss everyone, too.”
There was a long pause. John didn’t ask about Sam and she didn’t know where to begin.
“I should be home in a few days.”
“He’s on the mend then?” John sounded as if he didn’t care one way or the other.
Julia tensed. “No. He’s very sick.”
“Oh?”
“He’s dying.”
“Dying?”
“It wasn’t a heart attack. It’s lung cancer.”
John whistled low. “Man. I’m sorry.”
Julia tried not to let on that tears streamed down her cheeks. “I need to ask you a huge favor.”
“Okay.” He turned hesitant. “Just don’t cry, Jules. You know how that kills me.”
His kindness only made her request harder. “I know, but this is difficult. Sam doesn’t want to die in England. He wants to come back to the States. With me.”
Silence.
“John?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me, right? What does that mean?”
“He’s very sick, John. He’s only been given six months.”
“And?”
Julia gripped the receiver as if she could draw strength from it. “I’ve never asked anything of you.”
Silence again.
“He’s dying.” Julia fought for the right words. “He wants to spend his remaining time near me.”
“Did you tell him about Elizabeth?” Anger edged his words.
“Yes, he knows” she said, tugging at a loose thread attached to the duvet.
“And now, because he’s dying, he suddenly wants to come here and destroy my life and my family?”
“No, it’s not like that. He’s sick!”
“He’s a bastard, dying or not!”
“John, please!” Julia clenched and unclenched the comforter. “He’ll be in Willowbrook, not our house. He’s not well enough to be up and about. I’ll visit him there.”
“So you have this all worked out already? Your dying ex-lover is coming to town and I have no say in the matter?”
Julia tried to keep calm. “You have every right to be mad.”
“Thank you for permission!”
Julia paused. John had never been this angry with her, but she couldn’t blame him.
“John, please listen to me. He’s not my lover. You know that.”
But you don’t know about New York,
she thought, recalling how she denied Sam’s advances that evening and wished she hadn’t. “We’re not lovers.”
“In your hearts, you are.”
Julia nearly dropped the phone. All these years she tried to keep her feelings about Sam buried. How had John known her true longings when she denied them to herself?
“I love
you,
John.”
“You’ve never loved me like you loved him.”
Julia couldn’t refute his words. She let him have his say.
“In the back of my mind, I’ve always known, Jules. But I swept the suspicion under the rug ‘cause Sam seemed out of your life. But he was always on your mind, and now you want to bring him here and rub my face in it?”
“I don’t want it to feel like that for you.”
“Then leave him in England.”
“I can’t.” She couldn’t say much more without completely breaking down. All her life, she strived not to hurt anyone and now she had to choose between hurting John, who deserved only her love, or alienating Sam and her own feelings.
John didn’t wait for an answer. “How could you do this to me?”
“I’m sorry.” She whispered into the phone, as she swiped at tears, realizing she hadn’t cried this much in years.
“You’re putting me in a God-awful position, Jules. My job is to protect you and my family. I should have stopped you from going to London. Why would I let the guy who hurt you back in your life?”
“I let him back in.” Julia would not allow John to take any blame. “Being here, I’ve had a chance to sort things out and get some answers. Sam never meant to hurt me the summer we met. He came back for me but found out I married. He married Deirdre Lamont only to get money to pay off debts.”
“What a fine and upstanding guy.” John’s sarcasm oozed through the receiver. “And to think, I married you because I love you.”
“I’m just saying that he’s not awful.”
“He’s an ass. The bottom line is he wants my wife.”
Julia sighed. “That’s not going to happen, honestly.”
“How’s this for brutal honesty? I’m sorry he’s sick but I can’t just accept all this without selfishly wishing that he might not actually make it six months.”
Julia cringed. John never spoke an unkind word about anybody, ever. But his hurt ran deep, and she was the cause. John had turned into someone she didn’t recognize. Had she driven him to this?
“I deserved that, I suppose.” She closed her eyes wishing for something to say to make this horrible situation better.
“The thing about this,” John continued, a hint of resignation lacing his anger. “Is that I know you’re going to do this no matter what I say, and this is simply your way of telling me.”
“I know-”
“And what pisses me off, Jules, what cuts me to the quick, is that as much as I hate this, as much as I detest Sam Lyons…. I still love you. Damn it.”
Julia cried into the phone. “I know. She fought to catch her breath. “Thank you. Thank you.”
A long minute passed in silence. Finally, John sighed. “When will you be coming home?”
Julia wiped her tears. “As soon as we can.”
“See you then.” The phone went dead.
Julia replaced the receiver and laid her head on the pillow. Exhausted, she cried herself to sleep.
“Looks like a nicer day today.” Deirdre opened the vertical blinds in Sam’s hospital room, folded her arms across her chest and stared out at the brilliant London morning. “The rain finally stopped.”
Sam sat up in bed, propped by several pillows. He studied her as she looked out the window. She appeared refreshed today, much better than when she and Spencer left last night. The two of them had remained by Sam’s side before, during and after his diagnosis. Sam heartened to hear they finally went home for rest when Julia arrived.