Authors: Linda Schmalz
“No, thank you.”
“Soda then?” He pulled out two different cans, one in each hand. “I have a variety.”
Julia shook her head. “No, really. I can’t stay long.”
“Oh.” Sam put the sodas away, coughed, and grabbed a pack of cigarettes from his pants pocket. “Mind if I smoke?”
“No. You still smoke?”
“I quit at least once a day.” Sam smiled and motioned to a dark, floral settee. “Would you like to sit?”
She sat on the edge of the sofa, placing her purse on her lap. Sam sat across from her on a matching chair. After removing the receiver from the phone, he reached for a lighter on the coffee table and lit his cigarette. She watched him, unsure of what to say, unsure of what she was doing here.
“You had no trouble getting away then?” Sam watched his cigarette smoke rise into the air.
Julia looked away. “John can barely move yet. I told him I was going shopping.”
“Ah.”
She shifted in her seat. Sam cleared his throat as if to speak, but then sat there, smiling and smoking. She rose. “I
should
be shopping.”
Sam’s smiled faded. He jumped up. “No, sorry. Please.” He stubbed out his cigarette and glanced around the room as if waiting for someone else to entertain them. His eyes returned to her. “I thought this would be easier. I thought I would know what to say.”
Julia nodded. There were so many things she wanted to say as well, like how she missed him, how mad she was, how he hurt her, what it felt like to be left with a child and nowhere to turn; but words just wouldn’t come.
Sam walked over and touched her arm. “I’ve I thought about you every day of my life, wondering how you were, what became of you.”
Julia tried to ignore the flame that ignited inside her at his touch. Her voice betrayed nothing. “I went on with my life. What did you expect me to do?”
His eyes searched hers for something she tried not to show. “We were supposed to be together, Julia.”
Julia’s eyes widened as she took a step backwards and out of his reach. “We went over this yesterday. You married Deirdre.”
Sam shook his head. “I swear, Julia. It was a farce.” He motioned toward the couch. “Please. Please sit down.”
Julia slowly sat, secretly allowing him three minutes to speak his peace.
Sam sat next to her, folding his hands in front of him and staring straight ahead. “I never meant to stay married to her. I don’t love her and I never have. Polly died and left the McTeel estate in debt. I was broke and couldn’t get a loan. I couldn’t let Polly’s name be ruined by the scandal. I couldn’t lose the home she loved so dearly. Deirdre promised me money on marriage. That money, as you might recall, was mine to begin with. So we struck a deal. I’d marry her and she’d give me the money. Only she didn’t know that I was going to have the marriage annulled and I didn’t know she was lying.”
“But you didn’t have the marriage annulled.” Julia looked him square in the eye, her jaw set. “At least according to the
articles
I read. You see, that’s how
I
learn about you. I read about it in
fan magazines
. That’s how I knew you got married. I saw it on television the summer you promised to be with me.”
“I left messages trying to call you and explain it all. I loved you, Julia. I never loved Deirdre.”
Julia steeled herself from buying into his story. “Well, you appear quite content in the photographs I’ve seen. You have an amazing career. You’re a famous, talented actor with a beautiful socialite wife, living the charmed life in England. If that’s a life worth wallowing in self-pity about, it certainly bodes well for you.” She didn’t bother to curb her sarcasm, the pain and humiliation of eleven years rising inside her and threatening to boil over. She hadn’t realized the anger she buried. She thought she simply missed him, but being with him caused a wall of denial to crumble; behind it, she found a fortress of feelings ignored for too long.
Sam remained calm, but his voice grew tired and hoarse. “Julia. I called to explain about the marriage and your father said you were getting married.” His hazel eyes bore into her, but she found no malice there, just searching and sadness. “You seem angry with me, but how much did you love me if you ran off and married John without even waiting to hear from me?”
“I
waited
!” Julia’s throat tightened as she choked back hot tears that dared reveal her pain from the memories of that awful time.
His eyes remained fixed on hers, as he reached for another cigarette. “You told me, in England, that you didn’t love John.”
“This isn’t about what
I
did,” Julia said, unnerved by his verbal volley of blame. “This is about what you did, or rather what you didn’t do.”
“And what was that? I tried to call and explain and I heard you would marry John.”
“Sam.” She willed her voice to steady. “Let’s not do this. Let’s not rehash the past. What’s done is done.”
“Is it? Then why do I still love you? Why did you come this afternoon? Could it be you might possibly still love me?” His eyes searched hers, but she had no answer.
He loved her
. How she had longed to hear those words. And he wanted to know if she still loved him. Another wall of her emotional fortress caved. In her mind she screamed of her love and ran into his arms, yet here, sitting next to him, she remained stoically silent. Nothing could come from speaking the truth.
Julia shook her head. “I did love you, Sam.” She looked up at him. “I can’t give you more than that.”
“Why not?” Sam turned to her, taking her hands in his. “Things were misunderstood between us. But we can make them right again. Tell me you still love me. Do you really love John?”
At the mention of her husband, Julia removed her hands from Sam’s caress and reached for her purse. She pulled out her wallet. “I have children, Sam.”
She opened the wallet and handed it to him. “That’s Tommy. He’s five going on trouble.”
Sam smiled as he looked at the picture. “Cute little chap, isn’t he?”
“Yes, and a handful at times, but certainly a mama’s boy when he needs to be.” She smiled at the picture. She took a deep breath and turned the plastic page over to the next photograph.
“And this-,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady. “-is my Elizabeth.”
Julia held her breath as Sam studied the picture. Elizabeth was such a beautiful combination of them. Would Sam see it? Could the vibrant, auburn-curled, blue-eyed beauty convey to Sam the reason for all Julia had done? She stared at Sam, willing him to see Elizabeth and somehow understand. She hadn’t come here with the intention of telling him about Elizabeth, but she needed him to understand why she married John. Otherwise, his accusations against her would continue.
“She’s beautiful, Julia.” Sam looked up from the picture, his eyes cold. “She has your eyes.”
“She’s
eleven,
Sam.”
Sam took another look at the picture, and then slowly returned to the wallet to her. His face grew taut as he stared at her, but then looked away. His words edged with anger and his breathing became labored. “And you never told me we had a
daughter
?” He stood and paced the length of the room.
Julia returned the wallet back to her purse. She watched him pace. “You got married to Deirdre before I had a chance. What was I to think?”
His mood darkened and he seemed aloof, lost in his own thoughts. He reminded her of a lion, walking back and forth as if waiting to attack.
Julia waited, unsure how to continue. Finally Sam turned to her, his eyes ablaze. “Bloody hell, Julia! You should have tried to tell me!”
“I did!” She tried to remain calm, hoping Sam’s anger would abate. “I couldn’t find you anywhere. And you never called me.”
“And you just stopped trying?”
“Because I found out you got married and I thought you hadn’t really loved me.”
“And so you married John?” Sam’s voice grew faint. “Incredulous!”
“Yes. He offered to help me. He loves me.” Julia looked down at her hands. Guilt washed over her like a tidal wave. John did love her. How could she be here?
Sam stopped in front of her. “I want to meet my daughter.”
“No. You can’t. She doesn’t know.” Julia swallowed hard, hating herself for keeping him from his daughter. “Besides, she’s John’s daughter now, not yours.”
Sam looked away.
“So you see,” Julia continued, letting her sensibilities speak while her heart cried. “This is the life I have.”
Sam still didn’t answer.
His silence unnerved her. “Sam, I don’t know why I came here. I didn’t mean to use Elizabeth to hurt you, but I needed to explain why I married. John was there for me when you weren’t.”
“Don’t!” He turned towards her, his eyes brimming with hurt. Julia took a deep breath. No matter what she said, how much she explained, this was a no win situation for them.
“Just don’t say anymore, Julia. I know you’re happy with things as they are, and I wouldn’t want to hurt your marriage or, our-
your
… kids, I just want you to know that I did love you. I should have divorced Deirdre long ago, but things became complicated and more of a fight than I could muster.”
“You’re as guilty as I am for marrying someone you don’t love,” Julia said with a resigned sigh. “But I do love John, in a way. It’s just different than I hoped it would be.”
Sam returned to the couch and sat. “I don’t feel I’ve been cruel to Deirdre. She has what she’s always wanted. Me. She loves me in her own, self-absorbed obsessive way. And I’ve never wanted anyone else but you, Julia.”
Any anger Julia felt when she first walked through the door ebbed away. It would be so easy to tell Sam she still loved him, never stopped loving him, nor missing him, no matter how much she tried to repress it. Being with him now felt right, as if time stood still and the eleven years between their encounters never happened. Still, she held back.
“Julia.” Sam took her hands again.
She stood. “I have to go.” She took her purse and headed to the door. Tears fell as she reached for the handle. Suddenly she felt Sam behind her, his hands thrust against the door, trapping her between them. He leaned in close, his voice in her ear, pleading. “Julia, don’t leave me again.”
She couldn’t turn to face him. “I do love you Sam. I just can’t do-”
Before she could finish, his strong hands turned her to him and his arms enveloped her. She cried against his chest.
“Julia, Julia,” he said, stroking her hair.
She turned her head toward him to speak. Sam’s hungry lips bore into her own, and every memory and feeling Julia ever felt for him burst forth, filling her with the insatiable desire she repressed for so many years. He pulled her tighter in his arms and her body willingly responded to his every touch. She felt the warmth of his body against her own as she melted into him.
Sam pulled away to look at her, his hands running through her hair as he studied her face. “Julia.”
She answered by pulling him back to her. His mouth found hers again. She could not resist as he led her by the hand to his bedroom and slowly lowered her to his bed, his body crushing her as he melted into her. Julia closed her eyes and let his lips, hands and body do as they pleased. She missed this passion, this pleasure she never felt with John.
John.
Reality crashed through Sam’s kisses smashing every passionate bone in her body. Julia pushed Sam off of her and sat up. “I’m sorry, Sam. I can’t do this.”
He lay flat on his back on the bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. “I’m sorry.”
“No.” She shook her head, already missing his touch and the happiness that could not be hers. She studied his face intently, the tired sad eyes, the perfectly straight nose, the high cheekbones, and the sensual thin-lipped mouth she so loved.
She stroked his cheek. “I love you, you know. I tried not to, but I do.” She leaned over and kissed his lips.
Sam smiled and pulled her back to him. “Then why do you pull away?”
Julia fell silent. How to explain that she didn’t need this physical intimacy with him. Knowing he loved her was enough. More than that would hurt everyone she loved, including him, for she could never be his.
“I’ll ask Deirdre for a divorce as soon as I’m back in London.” Sam spoke softly but determined.
Julia sat up again. “What?”
“I should have done it years ago.”
Julia rested her head against his chest, and chose her words carefully. “I love you, Sam. I can’t say it enough now that I’m with you, but I can’t be with you again.”
Sam sat up. His eyes bore into hers. “We must be together now that we’ve found each other.”
“Sam, I can’t.” Julia took his hand and kissed it. “I can’t hurt my family. The kids love John and-”
“You don’t love John.” Sam’s jaw hardened.
“In a way, I do. I can’t hurt him after everything he’s done for me. I just can’t walk out because I’ve found you.”
“Our being apart was a mistake, a misunderstanding!” Sam pleaded their case. “Julia, he has to know you loved me first.”