Authors: Linda Schmalz
Julia’s gaze shifted to Elizabeth’s current elementary school picture on the living room wall. At eleven years old, Elizabeth showed promise of great beauty. Her dark auburn curls offset the deepest of blue eyes, and her skin was fair and flawless.
Julia skimmed a few more album pages. She paused at a picture of Elizabeth, aged eight, on stage at school, the lead in her school play. Elizabeth loved performing and already announced her intentions to become a famous actress when she grew up. Julia knew Elizabeth would succeed at whatever she put her mind to, for she possessed a serious determination towards life that Julia wished she had at that age. And of course, Elizabeth would be a great actress if she chose; it was in her genes.
Julia closed the album, choosing to work on Tommy’s instead.
Thomas John Riley entered the world five years after Elizabeth’s birth, but six weeks earlier than his due date. Sadly, his newborn pictures centered around his hospital bassinet. Complications from his unexpected arrival led to poorly functioning lungs, and, at one point, a lack of oxygen to his brain. Julia remembered those dark days, never knowing one minute to the next if Tommy would survive. But Tommy proved to be a little fighter, and after a long and harrowing week, he began to breath on his own. Luckily he suffered no brain damage from his trauma, and Tommy soon grew into a robust and happy baby.
Julia glanced at Tommy’s school picture hanging next to Elizabeth’s. At five years old, he already bore a striking resemblance to John. They shared the same brown hair, the same stocky, yet muscular build, and light blue eyes. Julia loved her little boy as equally as she loved her daughter, yet where Elizabeth seemed serious and determined, Tommy proved opposite. Julia loved his sense of humor, his sunny-disposition, and his amazement towards the small wonders in his world. Only this morning he marveled at the sight of worms on the sidewalk from last night’s downpour.
Tommy’s birth and fight to survive had changed Julia. She couldn’t understand how this near tragedy could occur. After all, hadn’t she strived to make up for the mistakes of her past? She aimed to be a perfect wife, mother and daughter. She stayed the course. She never left John to search for Sam, although so many times her heart begged otherwise. Didn’t she and the people she loved deserve only happiness for her sacrifice and heartache?
For the first time in her life, Julia realized the impossible responsibility she had placed on herself, and with this revelation came a sense of release and freedom. The doctors had assured her that she could not have prevented what happened to her son. Her resolve could not prevent the ways of the world. And being a good wife and mother hadn’t procured any grand miracles from Heaven either, with the exception of her son’s survival.
From that moment on, Julia tried to forgive herself. She tried to relax and let life happen, taking a cue from her little boy who found happiness in the small things, like worms on the sidewalk. And for the first time, Julia forgave herself for still loving Sam and her inability to stop thinking about him, even eleven years after their affair.
She set Tommy’s album aside and opened her wedding album, remembering the turmoil in her life back then. Marrying John had seemed like her only option as she stood in front of the Justice of the Peace, next to John, and with Sam in her heart.
Julia had dreaded her first night as John’s wife, wondering if she could be a “true” wife to him. John sensed her discomfort however, for she remembered how he graciously offered to sleep on the couch and remained there until she felt comfortable enough for him to sleep beside her. Eventually, she allowed him to join her and they fell asleep each night with a few kisses and John’s arm protectively across her.
Another photo revealed their first home, a small apartment in the building John’s parents owned. She smiled, remembering how they both hated living above his parents, never feeling completely on their own or like the adults they thought they were. They worked hard to save for their own house. Julia took classes to become a certified nursing assistant and worked limited hours at the nursing home; John stayed on full-time at the construction company. Julia knew John was happy, for he told her so everyday and showered her with small gifts when money allowed. Julia tried her best to love him, yet memories of Sam invaded her world at every turn. As Sam’s career flourished, he appeared in the media almost as often as Princess Diana. Julia avoided the television. She couldn’t bear to see Sam on the screen, the beautiful Deirdre always by his side.
Julia moved on to another picture. John sat in a docked fishing boat with four- month-old Elizabeth. They had spent a week in a rented home on the shores of Lake Delavan in Southern Wisconsin. It was in that tiny, small, white fishing cottage, that Julia first became intimate with John. Pregnancy had provided her with a good excuse to avoid intimacy. John, understanding and incredibly patient, said he could wait. But the summer after Elizabeth’s birth, Julia ran out of excuses and knew she could no longer be so unfair to her husband.
One night during the vacation, Julia put Elizabeth down to sleep, lit some candles and poured the wine. John sensed the green light immediately, but took his time with her, trying his best to make her comfortable. Afterwards, John fell asleep and Julia cried silently next to him. Her tears were not John’s fault. She loved him as best she could, but she wept out of guilt. During lovemaking with John, she thought of Sam.
Julia closed the wedding album and turned to the pile of miscellaneous photographs. She noticed the envelope of pictures she previously ignored. As she lifted out the first picture, she froze. Sam stood outside Westminster Abbey, a silly grin on his face. Julia rifled through the rest of the photos, old pictures of her time in London. Her heart beat wildly and an ache spread through her body. Each picture brought another memory to open the wound in her heart that would never completely heal.
Buzz!
The doorbell brought Julia from her memories and back to the present. She hurriedly scooped the London pictures back into their envelope and shoved them under an album. Smoothing down her hair, she answered the door, happy to find Kim there, glowing with the pregnancy of her third child.
“Hi. It’s me, your old friend, the human breeding cow.”
Julia laughed and invited Kim in. “How was the drive in from the suburbs?” She followed Kim into the living room where they both sat on the couch.
“Great, once I got here and extracted the steering wheel from my abdomen. This is definitely my last pregnancy.”
“Thanks for sitting with my kids for a few days. If my dad hadn’t come down with stomach flu and John’s parents were home, I’d never impose on you like this.”
“Impose away!” Kim said, with a genuine smile. “I like returning to Oak Park when I can. And I know Elizabeth loves taking care of Tommy anyhow, so except for the cooking, I’m just going to rest. Believe me, getting away from my own two kids is a vacation.”
“Well, I hope to return the favor sometime when you and Chris go somewhere exciting.”
“Right now, the hospital sounds exciting. Let’s just get this pregnancy over with.” Kim glanced around the living room, her gaze falling on the cardboard table and Julia’s photograph project. “New ambitions, I see?”
Julia pushed the London photos from her mind. “Just busy work.”
“I don’t know how you find the time with the kids, working in the nursing home and didn’t you just write a play or something for Elizabeth’s classroom?”
“Yep, and now the teacher asked me to direct it.” Julia wiped away a stray lock of hair from her eyes. “I’m happy to do it. Allows me to stretch my acting chops once in a while.”
“With all this going on, did you find some time to pack for New York?”
Julia excited at the mention of her trip. “Oh you bet! John and I haven’t been anywhere other than small trips around Wisconsin and Illinois. We just couldn’t afford anything else while we saved for this house. How cool of my dad to give us this trip for our wedding anniversary last fall!”
“Yeah and who knew your dad was so up on opera to be able to get you tickets to the Met?”
“I know!” Julia marveled at her father’s gift. “Well, he didn’t actually pay for them out of his pocket. He’d never be able to afford giving us this trip and these expensive tickets. But he knows this guy who his company contracts with, and my dad did some private road work for him at his new home in Hoffman Estates and of course, since the guy was a friend, my dad wouldn’t accept payment. So, the guy, who is very wealthy and travels on business to New York a lot, gave him his Met tickets instead.”
Kim giggled. “I just can’t see your Dad enjoying an opera.”
“Well it turns out he was going to give us a trip for our anniversary but he wasn’t sure where. So when he got these tickets...viola! I’m going to New York!”
“Well, I’m sorry your dad isn’t feeling well.” Kim said, kicking her shoes off and resting her slightly swollen ankles on the coffee table.
“Yeah, he’s sorry to miss seeing the kids this weekend. He could use the rest though. He still puts in a lot of hours at work. That’s how he ended up giving us this trip. He just doesn’t know what to do with his money.”
“He can send Chris and me away.” Kim sighed and patted her belly. “Of course, it’d have to be Disney. You’d think with both of us having college degrees, we’d have more money, but with kids to put through college and a house in the suburbs…well, New York will have to wait.”
Julia studied her friend closely. Despite a third pregnancy in six years, she looked happy and well rested. Kim never seemed to age. Her beautiful red hair still curled about her face with incredible shine and life, while her freckles stood out as bright as the day. And a twinkle of mischief still sparkled in those bright blue eyes. “Married life agrees with you. Even seven months pregnant, you still look gorgeous, Kim. You must be very happy.”
A look of contentment spread across Kim’s full cheeks. “I’m very happy. I married Chris right out of college and never looked back. And you?”
Julia glanced back at the table. “Mostly.”
Kim offered Julia a knowing look. She reached over and held Julia’s hand. “Does it ever get easier?”
“I don’t know. Sometimes. And sometimes it’s so hard. Sam’s so famous now that it’s hard to avoid seeing him on television, movies, magazines.”
“I’m sorry.”
“This longing just never goes away. I still miss him. I can’t stop thinking about him.”
Kim squeezed her hand. “I know. What triggered it this time?”
“I found the photos I took in London when I was with him.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah.”
The women fell silent for a moment until Kim spoke. “Well, do you want to talk about him or have me completely changed the subject?”
“Change the subject.”
“Okay, I have big news.” Kim rubbed her stomach. “Really big news.”
“What?”
Kim pointed to her oversized belly. “Twins.”
Julia’s eyes flew open wide. “Oh my God, Kim! You’re kidding, right?”
“Nope. I kid you not. Now I’ll have four children, six years and under. You want one?”
“Um no,” Julia said. “I can barely find time for my own two and work.”
“I think I’m going to need a nursing home, just to have someone feed me after these two are born.” Kim laughed. “Feeding two children and two screaming infants, I don’t know when I’ll find the time to eat. Of course, however, by not eating I’ll lose all this weight, so I guess there’s a bright side.”
Julia smiled. Kim made her so happy just by being with her. “You’re always so happy, upbeat and optimistic, Kim. I need to bottle some of that and sprinkle it on me when I’m having one of my blue days.”
“Have you given any thought to getting in touch with Sam again? I know I’ve talked to you about this before, but honestly, maybe it would help.”
“No!” Her answer flew out of her mouth meaner than she intended. “I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay. I was just hinting at that maybe if you resolved this thing with Sam, you could get past the blues.”
“It wouldn’t make it better,” Julia said, wistfully. “I’ll never be with Sam and that’s what I have to accept.”
Kim fell silent.
Julia looked out the window at the warm, spring day. “Days like this are the hardest. They’re so lovely. The sky is so blue and perfect. Not a cloud in it. And yet, I look up and feel lonely, like a part of me is missing. But I do my best to shake it off and go on.”
Kim patted her hand. “I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could do.”
“Oh God,” Julia said. “I’m so sorry. What a downer I am!”
“Not to worry,” Kim said, with a laugh. “But I know one way you can cheer me back up.”
“Anything, dear friend, anything!”
Kim rose and headed towards the kitchen. “Feed me!”
Sam adjusted his bow tie and yanked down his tuxedo jacket as he studied himself in the hotel suite mirror.
Not bad for forty-one years old.
He credited good genes for a steady, full head of dark auburn hair, and only a few new pounds and wrinkles. Critics and fans agreed that age only served to improve his looks. “Distinguished” is what they now called him. Actors, as opposed to actresses whose career demise began with the first wrinkle, were lucky that way he supposed.