A Love Made New (21 page)

“Sure,” Rhoda said. “You're welcome to drop by anytime you like.”

“I will.” She bit her bottom lip. “Do you know if there's someplace else Sol might be? Somewhere he might go if he wants to, uh, think? Or be alone?”

Rhoda held on to the side of the door but didn't answer her right away. Irene wondered if she had crossed an imaginary line with the question until Rhoda said, “He might be in the barn.”

Irene nodded and Rhoda closed the door. Her palms grew damp as she headed for the barn, nerves swirling in her stomach. She had no idea what she would say to him.
We belong together
didn't seem like an appropriate conversation starter.

She stilled her steps a few feet from the barn. Was she doing the right thing? Last night during her prayers she had believed she was. Now doubt was creeping in. Sol was complicated. There was no guarantee that if they were together he wouldn't fall into old habits and leave her. Perhaps he couldn't even promise that. But she had to have faith that he wouldn't. She had to have faith in him, the way her mother had faith in her father.
Lord, guide me.
Then she entered the barn.

Sol was in the corner of the barn on his knees, his forearms resting on a square hay bale, his head down. Was he praying? She watched him for a moment and realized that he was. Not wanting to intrude, she backed away, only to run into the barn doorframe. The harnesses that hung on the wall rattled and Sol looked up.

“I-I'm sorry.” Irene held up her hands. “I didn't mean to bother you.”

He turned to her, then slowly got to his feet. Pieces of hay clung to his knees. “It's okay.”

“
Yer
workshop wasn't open, so . . .” There was something about the way he was looking at her that halted her speech. His green eyes were stormy, almost tortured looking, and his brow was flattened above them, the wrinkles in his forehead deep and evident. “Sol? Are you okay?”

He shook his head. “
Nee
, Irene. I'm not.”

She went to him. “What's wrong? How can I help?”

But he stepped away from her. “You can't help me.
Nee
one can.”

“Sol, talk to me.”

He started to pace, his hands fisting at his sides as if he were fighting some inner battle. All she could do was wait until he settled down. After a few minutes he stood in front of her. “I'm an alcoholic,” he said.

“You used to be.”

Shaking his head he said, “It doesn't work that way. I'll always be an alcoholic. It's part of who I am. And I struggle every day not to drink.”

“Then you're keeping sober. That takes a lot of strength.”

“I wonder if I'm strong enough,” he muttered.

She couldn't resist moving toward him, even though he was making it clear he didn't want her near him. “You're strong, Sol. And with God's help, you'll be stronger.”

He looked down at her. “You're so steady, Irene. So sweet.”

“Not always,” she said with a small smile. “Just ask Andrew.”

But he remained serious. “I can see myself falling for you. Falling hard.” He placed his fist over his heart. “There's something missing here, and when you're with me . . . it doesn't hurt so much.”

Irene reached for him but he sidestepped her. “Don't,” he said.

“Don't what? Care for you? Because it's too late for that, Solomon Troyer. You said you could fall for me, but I've already fallen for you.”

“You'll change
yer
mind when I tell you the truth.” He licked his lips.

“I'll be the judge of that.” She stood in front of him, determined not to let him avoid her. “You're not the only one with secrets.” Her heart squeezed in her chest. “You're not the only one in pain.”

Sol couldn't move, even if he wanted to. Tears shimmered in Irene's beautiful eyes. How selfish could he be? He'd been so involved in his own problems, his own hurt feelings, that he hadn't thought that she might be going through a difficult time. She was always so positive, so upbeat. But she was right. She had a painful past with her father too. She had been abandoned. And even though it had been years ago, that kind of betrayal didn't disappear, not completely. “Irene, I'm sorry. I'm—”

“Shhh.” She put her finger to his lips. His horse started munching on grain, the grinding sound filling the barn. “
Nee
one is beyond forgiveness, not even you. And what I'm about to tell you . . . you can't say a word to anyone. Promise me you won't.”

He nodded. “I promise.”

“
Mei
father used to be a drug dealer,” she said, moving away from him and going to the hay bale. She sat down and looked up at him. “He never left
mei mamm
for another woman. That was a story
mei
parents created to keep us safe. Instead he was arrested and had to be put in witness protection.”

Sol's eyes widened. “Why?”

“Because he had been in so deep with a drug gang in Florida that he could be killed. Or they would come after his
familye
.” She sighed. “I haven't seen or heard from him since I was thirteen. That's why we moved to Birch Creek. To stay safe. I didn't know any of this until a few months ago. The entire time I thought he'd left
Mamm
for someone else. And I always wondered why she never said one ill word about him.” She shrugged, looking down at her lap and threading her fingers together. “He turned our lives upside down. He broke
mei
heart. I haven't admitted this to anyone, not even to
Mamm
. I was ashamed of him, angry with him. But I also thought it was
mei
fault.”

He sat down next to her. “Why would you think that?”

“I thought he left because of me. That I had done something wrong. That if I'd been a better daughter he would have stayed.”

“Now you know that wasn't true.”

“
Ya
, I know that now. But it's hard to get that out of
mei
head because I believed it for so long.” She finally looked at him. “Even when I found out the truth I was still mad—I still am mad sometimes. He did something stupid and he broke the law. Because of his choices, we all suffered, especially
Mamm
.”

“I had
nee
idea.”

“
Nee
one does. And now you know why it has to remain a secret.
Daed
is somewhere, though I don't know where.
Mamm
doesn't even know. And until it's safe we won't know. He can't come back to us until then. But
Mamm
is sure in her heart that he will come back someday.”

Like
mei mamm. Sol doubted his mother would ever give up on his father. She, like Naomi Beiler, would be faithful to him until the end.

“Meanwhile,
Mamm
's had to make peace with him being gone. To be at peace with raising two kids by herself, and dealing
with everyone thinking her husband left her for someone else. I miss him,” she whispered. “I know now that what he did had
nix
to do with me. But I also hurt. I hurt for
mei mamm
, for
mei bruder
.” She sniffed. “
Mamm
forgave him. She loves him and she continues to forgive. I've forgiven him too. One day I hope I can tell him in person, so he knows that even though I'm angry and hurt, I still love him. I always will.”

Sol nodded. He understood her contradictory emotions. He was furious with his father, not only for the past, but also for running away like a coward. But some part of him still loved his dad. It didn't make any sense, and he wasn't to the point where he could forgive
Daed
the way Irene had forgiven her father. He wondered if he ever would be.

“Sol, I'm telling you all this for a reason.” She angled her body toward him. “
Nee
matter what you've done, there's always forgiveness. Especially when you've truly repented, and when you've taken responsibility for the past.
Mei vatter
is doing that right now. He's paying for his sins, but that doesn't mean they haven't been forgiven.”

He couldn't keep himself from touching her. He thumbed away a stray tear and felt her stiffen. When he started to move his hand away, she held it to her cheek.

“I've liked you for a long time, Sol. Sometimes it was hard, when you were being cocky.”

“When I was drinking,” he said.

“
Ya
.” She nodded, letting go of his hand. “But I've always known there was something deeper in you. A kind, genuine heart just waiting to be freed. I still believe that.”

He leaned his forehead against hers. “Irene,” he whispered, his voice husky and thick. “I wish I could believe that about myself.”

“You can.” She cupped his face in both her hands and looked
at him, their foreheads still touching. “You are forgiven, Sol. You asked for forgiveness in church that day. That wasn't just for our benefit. Or even for God's. It was for
yers
as well.”

“But how can he forgive me for what I've done?” He pulled away from her, then turned his back to her. She could say this to him now, but she didn't know everything. She didn't know how black his heart had been.

“Sol, you can't box in God's grace. You can't assume that he's not going to forgive even the worst sin—”

“I beat
mei bruder
.” He blurted out his deepest secret, the one that would convince her he wasn't the man she thought he was. He faced her, his tone flat and emotionless. “I'm not only an alcoholic and a thief. I'm also an abuser. I used to beat him all the time when we were young . . . and not so young.”

Her eyes widened. “What?”

“I'd probably still be that same man today. I wouldn't be hitting Aden, though. He wouldn't put up with that anymore. And he shouldn't. But I'd find another victim, another person to take
mei
anger out on. Only God put an end to it. He showed me who I really was. Broken. Dark.” He swallowed. “Then he brought me back. Gave me a second chance.” His lower lip trembled. He hated showing this weakness, especially to Irene. But he had to tell her everything, including his shame. “But what if I don't have the strength to fight that darkness?”

“You're not fighting it alone,” she said, her voice shaking.

“I know.” He gripped the edge of the hay bale, sharp strands of hay digging into his palms. “But what if God decides I'm not worth it? If he . . . abandons me?”

“Oh, Sol. He won't.”

“I could mess up again. I could take the second chance he's given me and blow it.”

“And then he will forgive you again. We're not perfect. You'll make mistakes, just like everyone else. But it won't be the kind you're thinking of. God has changed you, Sol. He's made you into the man you were meant to be.”

His eyes burned. “You don't know how much I want that to be true.”

“Believe it, Sol. All you have to do is believe.”

M
onday evening Abigail fought a steady stream of nerves as she turned her horse and buggy into Joanna and Andrew's driveway. She'd dreamed about Asa last night. She could only remember snippets of the dream, but when she woke up she felt good. All day she had thought of him, enough that she had made several mistakes finishing up one of the rag rugs and she had to remake it. Despite the weather having cooled down today, her hands were slick as she held the horse's reins. Butterflies danced in her stomach. Or more like crashed into one another. As she pulled to a halt by the barn and hitched her horse to the rail, she couldn't deny that she was giddy with anticipation over seeing Asa tonight.

She took the corn casserole from the spot next to her on the seat. It was one of the few dishes she could make adequately. She didn't even bother coming up with a dessert, knowing Joanna would make something spectacular. A slight breeze swirled around her as she went to the front door and knocked. It was
only four thirty. She was early. Asa probably wasn't even there yet. But she couldn't wait to get there.

Joanna opened the door and smiled as she let Abigail in. She took the casserole from her. “Smells
appeditlich
.”

Abigail took off her coat and hung it nearby. As she suspected, Asa wasn't there yet. Neither was Andrew, Naomi, or Irene. “Andrew usually doesn't get home until after five. And Naomi and Irene went to the Yoders' for supper tonight.”

Abigail nodded. “So it's just the four of us?”

Joanna pulled out a baking tray with fluffy yeast rolls. “
Ya
.” She glanced at Abigail. “Is that all right?”

More than all right. But Abigail said nonchalantly, “It's fine.” She caught Joanna's expression, and Abigail didn't bother to deny it. “I know what you're thinking.”

“You do?” Joanna asked, the picture of innocence.

“That there's something going on with me and Asa.”

“Is there?”

Abigail sat down at the table, smiling freely now. “I think so.” She remembered the way Asa had looked at her before she got out of his buggy yesterday. “
Ya.
Definitely so.”

Joanna went to Abigail and hugged her. “I'm so happy for you.” Then she pulled back. “As long as this is what you want.”

Abigail's smile dimmed. “I think it is.” She looked at Joanna. “I'm scared, though.”

“That you'll get hurt again?”

Abigail nodded.

“Asa's a
gut
guy. He always has been.”

“I thought Joel was a
gut
guy too.”

Joanna didn't respond right away. She was about to open her mouth to speak when Andrew walked in from the back of the house. He looked like he'd taken a shower. “Got home early,” he
said, going to Joanna. He put his hand on her shoulder. “Hi,” he said softly, his mouth close to her ear.

“Hi
yerself
.” She smiled, a different smile, more radiant than the one she'd given Abigail.

Andrew looked at Abigail. “I hear we're doing a rematch of the Dutch Blitz game.”

“
Ya.
Prepare to lose.”

Andrew laughed. “I never knew you were so competitive.”

Joanna set the rolls in a basket on the table. “She's always been that way. Don't you remember volleyball games at school?”

Abigail leaned back in the chair and folded her arms across her chest. “Nothing wrong with healthy competition.”

“You spiked the ball in
mei
face, if I recall,” Andrew said. “I knew you were tough at volleyball. I just didn't realize it extended to all games.”

“I play to win,” she said.

“So do I.”

Abigail turned around as Asa walked into the kitchen. He came from the front of the house and she hadn't heard him knock. He flashed her a bone-melting smile. How had she resisted him this long? The bigger question was why. Nothing stood in the way of them dating but her own fear.

Abigail smirked at him as he sat down next to her at the table. Andrew and Joanna joined them, and they bowed their heads in silent prayer. Nearly an hour later, after supper was finished and the dishes washed, Joanna brought out the cards and tossed them on the table. But she and Andrew didn't sit down.

“You're not joining us?” Asa asked, his brow furrowed.

Shaking his head, Andrew said, “
Nee.
I'm not up for a blood bath. I didn't get much sleep last night.”

“Me either,” Joanna said.

But Abigail realized her sister wasn't looking at either of them, and Andrew looked anything but tired. When she glanced at Asa, he winked. They both knew Joanna and Andrew had planned to leave them alone. Abigail realized she didn't mind that at all.

“Not very subtle,” Asa said, after they left.

“Not one bit.” Abigail grabbed the cards, took them out of the box, and started to sort them. Then she paused, a stab of uncertainty flowing through her. “Do you mind that they left?”

He shook his head. “Do you?”

She hesitated, then shook her head. That made his eyes darken to near charcoal. The cards flipped out of her hand.

“Here. Let me help.” He reached for a card at the same time she did, and instead of taking the card, he took her hand. He lifted their hands until both their elbows were on the table, then he locked his fingers with hers. “Maybe it wasn't a
gut
idea to be left alone,” he said, his voice low and almost a whisper.

She couldn't respond. She glanced at their hands together. His long, lean fingers sandwiched between her shorter, chubbier ones. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss on one of her fingers, then released her hand.

“We should start the game,” he said, not taking his eyes off her.

“Um,
ya.
We should.” She didn't make a move to pick up the cards, though. Her finger still tingled from the tiny kiss, her heart thumping again.

Then he stood up and went around to the table. “Come here,” he said, taking her hand.

She rose, and he led her to the living room, then to the small alcove underneath the stairs. He had to bend down a bit so he wouldn't hit his head, and the space was tight for the both of them.

Now her heart was thumping for a different reason. Although Joanna and Andrew clearly knew and approved of Abigail and Asa as a couple, Abigail didn't want her sister finding them in this compromising position.

Asa didn't say anything. He touched the side of her
kapp
with his palm, then traced his thumb over the top of her cheek. “I'm sorry,” he said, although he didn't sound the least bit sorry. “I promised myself I wasn't going to do this.”

“Do what?”

He put his hands on her hips and looked into her eyes. She refused to think about how wide her hips were, or have any other negative thoughts about her body.
He likes me the way I am.

“This,” he said, then kissed her. It was a quick kiss, but filled with meaning and promise. “I can't help myself.”

She knew the feeling. More than anything she wanted him to kiss her again, longer this time, never letting go. She put her arms around his neck, feeling his thick hair brush the back of her hands. “We've got a game to play,” she said.

“We'll get back to it.” He grinned. “But how about one more quick kiss? For luck.”

“You'll need it.”

“I meant for you.”

A sharp knock on the front door forced them apart. Her hand flew to her chest in surprise. She and Asa stared at each other. When neither Joanna nor Andrew showed up, he said, “I guess I'll answer it,” his voice sandpaper rough. He went to the door, straightened, then opened it. “
Mamm
?” he said.

Abigail moved from the alcove as she saw a short woman with the same gray eyes as Asa's throw her arms around him. “I knew when I didn't find you home you would be here.”

Asa stepped back, withdrawing from her embrace. He didn't
look happy to see her. If anything, he looked alarmed. “What are you doing here?”

“Didn't you get
mei
letter?” She shook her head. “Of course you didn't. Because if you did you would have opened it, and you would have read that we were coming tonight.”

“We?” he asked, his full dark brow furrowing.

“
Ya
.” The softness from his mother's eyes dimmed. “We.” She called over her shoulder. “Susanna. Come on in. Asa's here.”

Abigail watched as the most beautiful girl she'd ever seen walked through the front door.

Asa couldn't move as his mother and ex-fiancée walked into Andrew's house. His lips tingled from kissing Abigail, and his brain and heart reeled from the feelings she instilled in him. The haze was still clearing as
Mamm
started taking off her black bonnet.

“Our suitcases are on the front porch, Asa,”
Mamm
said. “Bring them inside, would you, please? Is Naomi here?”

Still stunned, Asa couldn't respond. What were they doing here? Now he wished he would have read the letters. Then he would have been prepared for this visit. Better yet, he would have told them not to come.

“She's not here.”

Asa turned at the sound of Abigail's voice. She looked bewildered as her gaze went from
Mamm
to Susanna.

“Oh.”
Mamm
held her bonnet in her hands. “I was hoping we'd get to see her tonight. Tomorrow is another day. Asa, our suitcases, please?”

Asa gave Abigail another glance, then retrieved the suitcases. How long were they planning to stay? More important, why
were they here? His mind whirred with what to say as he set the cases down in the Beilers' living room and shut the door.

Mamm
was already moving to Abigail. “So nice to see you,” she said, embracing Abigail with a less enthusiastic hug than he'd received. Then again, his mother had always hugged him as if she were about to squeeze the life out of him. “I'm so sorry about
yer
parents.”

Abigail nodded. “
Danki
.” She kept looking at Susanna, who was standing near the door.

“Like I told you, Susanna, Asa and Andrew have always been inseparable. I knew he would be here if he wasn't home.” She turned to Asa. “Where is Andrew?”

“In his part of the
haus
. With Joanna.”

“Right. Naomi told me he was married.”
Mamm
looked at Abigail. “I'm assuming that's why you're here. To visit
yer
sister.”

Asa rubbed his forehead. He had a lot of explaining to do, especially to Abigail. “
Mamm
, why don't we
geh
back to
mei haus
?”

“But you haven't introduced Abigail to
yer
fiancée yet.”

Asa's worst nightmare just occurred. He saw the color drain from Abigail's face.

“We're not engaged anymore,” Susanna said quietly.

“Of course you are.”
Mamm
brushed her off with her hand. “You've just had a little misunderstanding, that's all. Susanna, say hello to Abigail.”

“Hi.” She held out her hand, her voice as high and musical as ever. “I'm Susanna.”

Abigail shook Susanna's hand, gaping at her blankly. “I'll be going now,” she said in a monotone voice that made Asa's panic rise higher. This was a mess. A huge mess.

“Give Sadie our best, and our condolences,”
Mamm
said. “I'm sure we'll be by the store sometime this week.”

Abigail turned around and nodded, then took her coat and left through the front door.

Asa started to follow her. He had to explain . . . everything. He opened the door.

“Asa, where are you going?”

He turned and looked at his mother. He also had things to explain to her. And to Susanna, although he thought he'd already set everything straight with her before he left Shipshe.

“
Frau
Bontrager?” Andrew said as he came into the room.