A Love Made New (23 page)

A
sa felt sick. He stood outside the barn and listened to Abigail crying. He wanted to go to her again, to try to reason with her. To tell her he loved her, and say it so many times she would finally believe him.

But he didn't move. She wouldn't see him. She wouldn't believe him. And he couldn't blame her. She had told him that she couldn't stand having her heart broken a second time—and he had shattered it all over again.

He'd do anything to take back what he'd said about how he knew he loved her. And how he wouldn't have given her a second look if things were different. But he couldn't do that either. It was the truth. He would have overlooked Abigail Schrock if God hadn't knocked sense into him. He would have missed the chance to fall in love with the one woman he knew would make him happy for the rest of his life. Now he had no idea how to repair the damage he'd done.

Pain lodged in his throat as he made his way to the Schrocks'
home. Even though she wouldn't see him, he wouldn't let her be alone. Not after what happened. He knocked on the front door. His whole body shook as he tried to contain his emotions. When the door opened and Sadie stood there, he swallowed, unable to keep his voice from breaking. “Abigail needs you,” he said.

Sadie's eyes widened. “What? Where is she?”

“In the barn.” He jerked his thumb in the direction of the building. “Hurry, Sadie.” Then he turned around and left.

By the time he arrived home, it was late. Both his mother and Susanna liked to go to bed early and get up early, so he didn't go to the Beilers'. Instead he went to his house and tried to get some sleep. But sleep was elusive as he tried to figure out what to say to them. He didn't want to hurt either of them. But he couldn't give in to them, either.

The next morning he headed to Andrew's, exhausted. He paused in front of his friend's house, still uneasy. Then he shoved his hat low on his head as he went up the front porch steps. He couldn't put this off any longer. He knocked and let himself in, expecting everyone to be in the kitchen eating whatever delicious breakfast Joanna had whipped up that morning. As soon as he stepped inside, he could smell waffles cooking and bacon sizzling. But the living room wasn't empty. His gaze landed on Susanna.

She stood, smiling. “Andrew said you'd probably be here this morning, so I waited for you.”

He swallowed. “Susanna—”

“We need to talk.”

Asa stilled as her smile disappeared and determination entered her eyes. He steeled himself and said a silent prayer as he took off his hat. “Okay.”

She gestured for him to sit on the couch. When he did, she sat next to him. She licked her lips, not looking at him. He couldn't say anything. It was as if they were both frozen. Finally he had to push through his fear.

“Susanna—”

“Asa—”

They both smiled. They'd always been comfortable around each other. But he wasn't interested in staying comfortable.

“I'll
geh
first,” Susanna said. They were sitting close, but not touching. That wasn't unusual either. Other than holding hands, they hadn't done anything else. When she wanted to wait for her wedding for her first kiss, he agreed. He always agreed. He had been fine with everything, letting everyone make decisions for him.
Not anymore
.

“I didn't want to come here with
yer mamm
,” she said.

Asa arched a brow. “You didn't?”

“
Nee
. But you know how she is. She can be persuasive when she wants to be. And I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Asa, she can't accept that we're not together anymore.”

“What about you? I know I broke up with you at the worst time.”

“That's just it, Asa. You didn't.” She sighed. “I guess you didn't read
mei
letters.”

He shook his head and glanced away. “
Nee.
I couldn't. I felt horrible for leaving you when you needed me the most.”

“If you had read
mei
letters you wouldn't have felt guilty anymore. You would have known how grateful I am that you ended our engagement.”

He looked back at her. “Grateful?”

“
Ya
. I'd known things weren't right with us for a long time. But I couldn't bring myself to end it. Our
mamms
were so happy
that we were getting married, and you seemed happy. But none of it felt right to me. There wasn't any . . .”

“Spark?”

Her cheeks turned red. “
Ya
.” She brushed her hands over the skirt of her dress. “I needed to feel more, Asa. Not just from you, but
for
you. And I tried. But every time I thought about us together . . .” She finally looked up at him. “I'm sorry. I have to be honest.”

“I'm glad you are.” He was surprised. He was also relieved. They were on the same page after all. “I care about you, Susanna. But as a friend.”

“Same here. Which is why I understood why you left. You've always tried to do the right thing. And when it came down to listening to God, you made the right choice. For both of us.” She smiled a little bit. “It looks like you may have found the right
maedel
too.”

“I have.” He settled back against the couch, his shoulders slumping with relief. “She's not too happy with me right now.”

“But she loves you.”

He looked at Susanna. “How do you know?”

“I saw the way she looked at you. I also saw that she was hurt to find out about me.”

“I should have told her.”

“
Ya
, you should have. But I'm sure you'll make everything right with her soon enough.”

“If I can get her to talk to me.”

His
mamm
entered the living room. “There you are, Susanna. And Asa.” She clasped her hands together, beaming. “It's so
gut
to see you two together again.”

“
Mamm
.” Asa stood, Susanna quickly joining him. “We have something to tell you.”

“I knew it! You've worked things out and the wedding is back on!” She went to Susanna and gave her a hug. “I'm so happy for you both.”

Asa glanced at Susanna as he embraced his mother. She'd always been a demonstrative woman, never shy with her feelings or her words. He had known it would be harder to talk to her than Susanna. When they parted he said, “
Mamm
, I need to talk to you.”

“After breakfast. You won't believe how fluffy Joanna's waffles are. I must get her recipe. Come,” she said, looking at Susanna. “Let's
geh
eat.”

“
Mamm
,” Asa said, stern enough to get her attention. Then he nodded to Susanna. She gave him a small nod back and left the room.

“Asa,”
Mamm
said, looking at him, all joy in her eyes gone. “What's going on?”

“Susanna and I are not getting back together.”

She waved her hand. “I'm sure she has a hard time forgiving you for what you've done. But she'll come around. You have to give her a little time.” She leaned closer to him. “You'll need to woo her back.”

Asa ran his hands over his face. “
Mamm
, I'm not wooing anybody.” Well, he'd probably woo Abigail, but his mother didn't need to know that. Not yet, anyway. “Can we sit down and discuss this? Please?”

His mother lifted her chin the way she did when she was being prickly. “Fine,” she said, sitting down on the couch primly. He moved the rocking chair in front of her and sat down so he could face her square on. He leaned forward and clasped his hands between his knees. “
Mamm
, Susanna doesn't want to marry me. I don't want to marry her. We don't love each other.
We care about each other as friends, but that's as far as things are going to
geh
.”

“Because you made a mistake.”
Mamm
's eyes narrowed. “I don't understand you, Asa.
Yer
life was perfect. Everything was falling into place for you.”

“
Nee
, it wasn't. At least not the things I wanted.”

“What else did you need? You had a
gut
job—”

“That bored me to death.”

Mamm
paused before continuing. “Not all jobs have to be exciting. The important thing is that it was steady.”

“You sound like
Daed
.”

“That's because
yer vatter
was right. He knows what it's like not to have work. I don't want you to
geh
through that worry with
yer familye
.”

“I know.” He reached for his mother's hand. “And I know it's because you love me. But I have to follow
mei
own path. The one God has lined out for me. I'm going to be an accountant.”

His mother frowned. “That's more exciting than factory work?”

“It's more satisfying.” He wasn't going to bother explaining why he liked accounting and numbers and finances. He had to stick to the point. “I'm also going to get married, at least I hope.”

“Finally you're making sense. And you can be an accountant in Shipshe.”

“I will be an accountant here. Birch Creek is thriving financially. This is a
gut
opportunity for me to do something I love, and I know I can find clients.”

Mamm
let out a breath and let go of his hand. “All right, you're going to live in Birch Creek. I'm sure you can convince Susanna to move here. It's not that far from her
familye
, and she can visit anytime.”

“
Mamm
, listen to me. You have to accept that Susanna and I aren't together anymore. I'm . . . I'm in love with someone else. With Abigail.”

“Abigail? You're cheating on
yer
fiancée?”
Mamm
gasped.

He rubbed the back of his neck.
Patience, remember?
“
Nee.
I'm not cheating on Susanna because we're not together. I wouldn't do that to her—or anyone else.” He frowned. “I can't believe you'd think I would.”

She pressed her lips together. “I'm sorry,” she said softly. Then she sighed. “I'm also disappointed.”

“I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't insult Abigail,” he said, barely able to keep his tone even.

“
Nee.
I'm not disappointed with her. She's a lovely
maedel
. I was just hoping . . .” Her eyes shone with tears. “I miss you, Asa. I was shocked when you left home. Then I was worried when you didn't answer
mei
letters. You're
mei
only
sohn
. I had dreams for you.”

“But they're not
mei
dreams. I can't keep living
mei
life to please other people. God brought me here for a purpose—multiple ones, I'm finding out. He hasn't told me to leave. In fact, I feel more certain than ever that Birch Creek is home.” He took his mother's hand again. “But I can come visit,” he said, smiling.

“
Ya.
And we can visit too.” Her smile faded. “Is Susanna upset with me?”

“
Nee.
She understands. But she has to live her own life too. I'm not a part of that. I was never meant to be.”

Mamm
nodded. “I see that now. I'm sorry I caused trouble for you and Abigail. The way she left so quickly . . .”

“I should have read
yer
letters. I should have told her about Susanna. I've made a lot of mistakes lately.”

Mamm
patted his hand. “
Mei sohn
, I have confidence that you will make everything right. You always do.”

When Abigail opened the door, she had expected to see Asa. She'd experienced his persistence firsthand. It was a quality that at first irritated her, but now she loved that about him. Love. She did love Asa. But she also had to stand her ground. She had to go back to her first love—God. She also had to work on loving and accepting herself. She couldn't depend on anyone else.