For some reason, he had given in to the passion and desire that had been raging between them for the last several months. Theresa had no regrets. Austin had been a gentle and thorough lover. She was a virgin no longer, and she was glad she had given him that special gift.
Would he appreciate it? It didn't matter. It had been Theresa's to give. And she was happy she had waited for Austin. She had never felt sexually attracted to any man before. She had begun to believe she might be frigid. She grinned in the darkness. She knew better now. No matter what happened, she would treasure this night forever.
Austin raised his sated body and withdrew gently from Theresa's warmth. He glanced at the sheets. Dark splotches of blood showed in the flickering candlelight.
"You should have told me you were a virgin," he said, running his fingers through his hair. "I could have hurt you."
Theresa smiled, reaching up to stroke his cheek. "I didn't know exactly how to bring it up. Does it matter so much?"
Stretching out beside her, he inhaled deeply. He couldn't tell her the fierce feeling of pride running through his veins from being her first lover. He wouldn't tell her about any of his feelings. Tomorrow was soon enough for recriminations and guilt.
He saw the vulnerability in the dark green eyes. Pulling her close so her head rested on his shoulder, he held her in his arms. "I'm glad I was your first," was all he could say.
"I'm glad you're glad," she said, wiggling closer. "I don't have anything to judge by, but I'd say that was pretty good sex."
Austin nodded. "Yes, it was good."
"Stay the night with me," she said, running her hands over his lean body. His heart beat a soft rhythm in her ear.
"I can't stay," he said. "Kelsey knows I came over here to eat dinner. If I don't go home, what will she think? Besides, we're going to be in enough trouble if anyone sees my truck in your driveway."
"Do you care so much about what people think?"
He shrugged. "People have been talking about me for over twelve years. This is a small town. Everybody minds everyone else's business. It's not always pleasant to know people are talking about you."
Theresa snuggled closer. "Well, anyway, you can stay a little while longer."
Austin leaned down and pulled the sheet over them, then settled back with her in his arms. "I'll stay till midnight."
Theresa giggled. "Afraid you'll turn into a pumpkin? Or a frog?"
In one swift motion, Austin flipped her on her back and covered her body with his. He stared at the lovely face and knew he would hurt her before it was all over. "I'm no Prince Charming, Theresa," he said, gripping her shoulders. "And this isn't some kind of fairy tale with a happy-ever-after ending."
Theresa lifted up and kissed his chin. "I know. I'm a big girl remember? I'll take whatever you can give me."
Desire racked his body as her eyes searched his. He felt himself grow hard again. He wanted to take her again, possess her, make her his. He was being torn in two. His heart and mind were telling him one thing, his body something else. He didn't want to hurt Theresa. And he didn't want to get hurt himself.
"I can give you only one thing," he said, his voice rough as he thrust deep inside her again. "Don't start thinking I can give you anything else." Anger, guilt, and desire twisted his gut. He didn't want to think. Only feel. He could lose himself in her, take pleasure from her body, force his past away, not think of the future.
Theresa was surprised at the barely suppressed violence as Austin took her again. Biting back a moan as he penetrated her tender flesh, she sensed he was fighting a battle within himself. The pain she felt was momentary, soon replaced with a deep-seated need burning in response to his love-making. Theresa bore his weight, meeting his savage thrusts. Hoping she could ease some of his anguish and suffering. Hoping she could survive.
****
Bright moonlight cast shadows across the graves from the tombstones standing guard in the small rural cemetery outside of Salt Fork. Austin drove to the end of one lane, cut the engine and climbed out of his truck. He had left Theresa sleeping in her bed, part of him wanting to stay and wake up with her in the morning, the other needing to get the hell away.
He walked past several graves, his boots crunching on the dead winter grass, the cold wind chilling him to the bone. Near the middle of the row, next to an old mesquite tree, stood Deborah's grave. Moon shadows danced on the surface of the headstone. Austin could see her name clearly etched on the marble and beneath, the date of her birth and the day she had died.
Barely two decades stretched between the two dates. So short a time. So vibrant a life snuffed out so quickly.
Austin shrugged his coat tighter around him, trying to get warm. He was cold and numb. The sensations had nothing to do with the frigid weather. He fell to his knees and leaned on the headstone. He had betrayed Deborah's love tonight. He had been weak and given in to his body's desires. He had done it before, but his heart had stayed loyal to Deborah. He had known it would be different with Theresa. He just hadn't realized how different.
The marble of the tombstone was cold under his bare hands. He traced Deborah's name with stiff fingers. When she died, he should have died, too. It would have been easier. Easier than living without her. But he hadn't died. Not physically, at least. He had lived--to take care of the baby girl Deb had given him. To do his part on the ranch to keep it going. No, he hadn't died. But he hadn't really been alive all these years, either.
Then he had met Theresa and everything seemed to change. He'd felt a glimmer of life stirring in his heart. Suddenly, the world looked like a better place. The pain and grief he felt for his wife receded a little.
Austin gritted his teeth. Nothing had really changed. For a couple of hours tonight, he'd held the dark feelings at bay. Given in to the carnal pleasures of the body. Sure, it was different with Theresa. That's what made it all wrong. And risky. He couldn't risk loving her.
It was a vicious circle. Feelings and emotions twirled around inside him, making him feel guilty and confused. He couldn't give in to the weakness again. He would step off the whirling merry-go-round while his heart was still whole. He'd have to tell Theresa . . .
He didn't know what he would tell her. She would be hurt, but he'd warned her how it would be. He could imagine the green eyes dimming with pain. And just as quickly, just as vividly, he could imagine those eyes heavy with desire.
She had felt so damn good in his arms. Her lithe body had fit perfectly beneath him. She had held nothing back. And she'd been a virgin.
Twenty-eight and still a virgin.
Theresa had given herself to him. And how was he going to repay her? He cursed under his breath.
Rising to his feet, Austin stood and looked down at Deborah's grave. He'd given his heart to Deb long ago. It had shattered into a million pieces when she had died. Twelve years later, it still hurt. He couldn't do it again. Couldn't give his heart again.
He decided he'd have to make a clean break with Theresa. He wouldn't see her again. Couldn't give in to temptation. He'd been a fool to think he could separate his physical need for her from his emotions. It was all intertwined. Interconnected. He couldn't . . .
wouldn't
risk loving a woman ever again.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Theresa watched the last of the students climb on the bus, waved to two little girls peering out the back window, then walked back to her classroom. It had been a long day filled with parties and festivities celebrating school letting out for the Christmas holidays. Two glorious weeks of freedom.
Or not so glorious. Theresa had the feeling they would be a long and lonesome two weeks, even if she decided to visit her parents in Houston. She smiled to herself. There was no
if
about it. Her mother had practically ordered her to come home for the holidays. Theresa knew she would go, even though her heart wouldn't be in the celebrations.
Because her heart was broken and smashed to smithereens. When Austin had left her bed on that incredible night almost a month ago, her heart had been full and happy. The next day, he had told her he never wanted to see her again. He had tried to explain about his feelings and how he couldn't risk loving anyone. How losing Deborah had nearly killed him. And Theresa had tried to understand and not let the tears fall until after he had left.
Her world had come crashing down around her. She had told him she was a big girl. Had told herself she could handle everything. She hadn't counted on it hurting so much. She had thought she could enjoy a nice "fling" with Austin, have some fun, make some memories. But there had been only the one night with him. One night of love.
Theresa swallowed a sob as she entered her classroom. She stopped in the doorway. Kelsey McCade sat at her desk, looking glum.
"What's up, Kelsey? Why weren't you on the bus?" Theresa pushed away her morose thoughts and walked over to the little girl. The little girl who reminded her so much of Austin and what could have been.
"Oh, Miss Rogers! Why does everything have to suck so much?"
"I beg your pardon?" Theresa sat down at a desk next to her.
Kelsey sighed deeply. "Life sucks." She slumped down in her chair and frowned.
Theresa could certainly relate to that. "Yes, sometimes it does."
"It's not
fair
."
"No, life's not always fair." Theresa leaned over and gave her arm a reassuring squeeze. "Has something happened to upset you? I've never seen you so down. You're usually happy and perky. What's going on, Kelsey? Are you still grounded for tampering with my car? Is that what's wrong?"
She shrugged. "No, my punishment is over. It's not that."
"Then what?"
"I thought when you were grown up, you had it made," she said, still frowning. "But it's complicated and confusing."
Theresa patted her shoulder. "You're not quite grown up yet. And I know things seem scary and confusing when you're a teenager, or nearly one in your case. But it gets better after that." She wasn't exactly lying. It did get better, if you didn't happen to fall in love with a man who couldn't love you back.
Kelsey raised her blue eyes and looked at her searchingly. "Does it? Really? It doesn't seem like it to me."
"What's all this about? What's going on?" Theresa knew Kelsey was more mature than the other students. And she was extremely precocious as well. Life could be rough for girls her age.
"It's about my dad." Kelsey sat straighter and took a deep breath, as if trying to find the courage to say more. "And
you
."
Theresa's heart sank. She was aware Kelsey had been trying her hand at matchmaking. Her own shattered life was directly related to the little girl's actions. Although, she didn't blame her. Theresa had only herself to blame. She took a deep breath of her own. "Go on."
"The night of the party, when I messed with your car, Dad was super angry. I thought I'd really screwed things up. But the next day, he said he was going to eat dinner at your house. He seemed so happy. Whistling under his breath. Smiling, laughing. I'd never seen him like that before. He was different somehow."
"He
was
different, wasn't he?" A knot tangled in Theresa's stomach. She remembered it clearly. She had never seen Austin like that either.
"Then something happened," Kelsey said. "He came home late and in the morning . . .
nothing
. He walked around like a zombie. Grams said he was that way when my mother first died." She sighed. "It's all so confusing. I thought . . . well, it doesn't matter what I thought. Nothing's working out anyway."
Theresa patted her arm. "I know you hoped your father and I would get together, Kelsey. You're not the only one who's disappointed and confused."
"He said he liked you. And you like him, don't you?"
Theresa nodded.
"Do you love him?"
Theresa forced air into her lungs. She couldn't lie to Austin's daughter. "Yes."
Kelsey shook her head. "Then what's the problem? You love him. He
likes
you. That's a start, isn't it? You could date. He would like you even more. His liking could turn into love. It could, couldn't it?"
"I don't think your father is capable of loving me back," Theresa said, trying to ignore the stabbing pains in her heart. "He loved your mother very much. Too much."
"I know all that. He doesn't
want
to love you. He doesn't even want to
like
you. It's all very confusing. And I so wanted you to be my mother." Two large tears rolled down her cheeks. She leaned her head on the desk and sniffed. Her shoulders shook as she quietly sobbed her heart out.
Theresa ached for the little girl. She ached for herself, too. It all seemed extremely hopeless. But life must go on. They couldn't force Austin to feel something he couldn't. Theresa went over to Kelsey and squatted down on her haunches. She hugged her, letting her have her cry.