When the door opened, Sharon stepped backward, and gazed into his dark eyes. They were shadowed and haunted, and Sharon mourned the fact that it was she who'd caused him so much suffering.
She moistened her lips and said, "May I come in?"
He didn't react at first, then pulled her into the apartment and closed the door. They stared at one another, sorrow visible on both their faces.
Joe looked tired, as if he hadn't slept in weeks.
Sharon wished she didn't have to give him the news she'd brought, so she delayed the moment. "May I sit down?"
He gestured toward the living room, and they sat on opposite ends of the sofa. Joe still hadn't spoken, and Sharon tried to analyze his expression, but it was no use.
There wasn't an easy way to say it. "I've lost the baby, Joe."
The silence that followed was the most deafening she'd ever heard. First, Sharon saw disbelief in his face, then grief, then anger.
"What do you mean, you lost it? How?"
"It's not what you think. I had a miscarriage last week." She could tell he didn't believe her. "I'm sorry, Joe. In spite of what you must think of me, I wanted that baby."
If Joseph had been a different person, he probably would have struck Sharon at that moment. Since that action was unthinkable, he paced. His pain wouldn't allow him to stop as images of his child tortured his mind.
He finally paused in front of the woman who'd turned his existence into chaos and uttered, "You went ahead with the abortion, didn't you?"
Chapter Twelve
Sharon rubbed her forehead as she tried not to cry. She'd been doing too much of that lately. How could she blame him for thinking that?
"No, you're wrong,Joe. You can ask Doctor Hanson. He took care of me after I miscarried."
Joe continued to pace like a caged animal. Sharon went to him, knowing there was only one way to break through his defenses. When she touched him, he flinched as if he'd been burned. She hadn't known she could hurt even more.
"Joe, listen to me, please." She paused, gathering strength for the most important moment of her life. "I didn't realize for a long time, but I...I love you, Joe, more than I can ever say."
He stopped pacing, but didn't comment. His eyes were full of doubt, as if he'd never believe in anything or anyone again.
"I know I've hurt you. I never meant to. You've got to believe that." He still didn't say anything, so Sharon went on, as if her life depended upon her words. "Joe, please give me a chance to make it up to you. Please let me love you."
Joe studied her face as Sharon stood for the verdict.
"I've waited a long time for you to say you love me, Sharon, but right now, I'm not sure what
I’m
feeling."
She felt panic rising inside. "Just a chance," she pleaded. "I'll do anything." It dawned on her that she could never give him back his child.
"I do need something from you, Sharon."
"Anything," she repeated. She prayed desperately that she'd be able to fulfill that promise.
"I need a new beginning, one you may be unable to give."
"What do you mean?"
"If you really do love me, I want you to prove it."
"But, how?"
He held her arms as if to make sure she understood his words. "I want you to be unafraid to be seen with me, to tell your kids about us, your parents, and your friends. I need to know you've let go of the past and can really be mine. Can you do that?"
Sharon could tell how important this was to Joe, and that her future happiness depended upon her ability to convince him her love was real.
He was asking her to make him a part of her life, completely and unashamedly, without regret or reservation. His request revealed how unsure he was.
"I'll do it, Joe. I'll prove my love in every way I can. We'll start fresh, as if we've just met and..."
He interrupted her. "That would be impossible, Sharon, to pretend we're strangers, as if we'd never..." He swallowed as he struggled to go on, "But I want to court you, the way you deserve. I'm tired of feeling like a criminal because I want to be near you."
Sharon felt hope blossom within as he spoke. She'd never let him go now, if she had anything to say about it. "There's one thing I have to know."
"What is it?" His dark eyes swept her face with an intense look.
"You do believe how badly I wanted your baby, don't you? And how much it hurt to lose that precious life?"
If he didn't believe that, then nothing she could do would heal the hurt between them.
Joe stared at her, silently contemplating, then caressed her cheek with a tenderness that made her throat swell with emotion. "I wanted it, too, and I do believe you."
Joe watched her go, wondering if everything he wanted was within his reach. Because so much depended upon Sharon's feelings for him, he had to be sure. If they couldn't become a couple, if the idea made David miserable...
He realized there were many lives involved. He had no intention of staying if his presence only made things more difficult for Sharon. He'd leave earth forever and watch over her from afar.
"Oh God," he prayed. "Help me do what's right."
"Serena," he called to his old friend, "your guidance is welcome, too."
He waited for an answer to pop into his mind, then realized he was being allowed to find it within his own heart.
As Sharon drove home, she went over everything they'd talked about. Joe hadn't declared his love, but he would someday, she was sure, if she opened her heart to him. That included sharing everything in her life, which might cause some resistance among her loved ones, but they'd come around.
They had to. Sharon had always tried to do what was right, or what others thought she should do. This was something
she
wanted, and she wasn't going to throw it away.
Sharon invited Joe to dinner the next evening and was mentally preparing a talk with her sons. It sounded reasonable in her mind, but how much should she tell them? She didn't want Joe to feel like an outsider in her home ever again.
David and Luke were in the living room, so Sharon slipped a ham-and-potato casserole into the oven and joined them, turning off the TV.
"Hey, we were watching the Lakers' game."
Sharon clasped her hands nervously. "This'll only take a minute, then you can turn it back on." She sat between them on the couch. "It's about Joe."
"What about him?" David asked, a suspicious tone creeping into his words.
"We're going to be dating, and I want you both to make him feel welcome." She stressed "both," though her target was David.
"All right," Luke said. "That's great, Mom."
"What about Dad?" David said from her left.
Sharon released a deep sigh, then turned and faced her older son. "Please understand something, David. I loved your father and always will, but I'm very much alive, and Joe has become special to me, too." She paused, gauging his reaction. "I have to go on living."
David stared at the floor, then mumbled, "I guess so."
Sharon felt frustrated. "Can't you see that I mean no disrespect to your father by caring for someone else? Our hearts are made to multiply love, not divide it."
He nodded, then looked at her. She could see him struggling to grasp the maturity she'd requested.
"I want to understand, Mom, and I'll try to get used to the idea, okay?"
She squeezed his knee. "That's all I ask." Turning to her younger son, she said, "Luke? Any reservations?"
"I feel funny about Dad, too, but I think Joe's cool."
"Just try to act natural around him, please?" She got up and switched the TV back on, leaving them with much to think about.
Had she said enough to help them accept, or would it take a long time? Would Joe give her time?
When Joe knocked, Sharon ran to answer it, as excited as a kid at Christmas. She opened the door and released her breath when she saw him.
"Wow," she said, surveying him from head to toe. He wore a black golf shirt and black slacks and looked every bit the ladykiller. "You look terrific," she said softly.
"So do you," he returned in his deep voice.
Sharon had bought a new sundress for tonight and the dark turquoise changed the color of her eyes.
Joe reached for her bare shoulders and pulled her closer.
"Just wanted to see if you were real." His hands moved down her arms, creating goosebumps all over her.
"Yes, Joe, I'm real." Sharon lifted her mouth to his and welcomed him the way a woman in love welcomes her man. Let him trust me, she prayed. I'll never let him down again.
His arms held her tight as they became lost in the kiss. Sharon was shaken by the rapid rise of passion and wished they were somewhere other than her front porch.
"Way to go, Joe," Luke said behind them, effectively breaking them apart.
Sharon felt embarrassed, not because Luke had seen them, but because her emotions had escalated out of control so quickly.
"Come on in," she said as she smoothed her hair into place.
The evening went better than Sharon had anticipated, though there were several sidelong glances from David, which she ignored.
David and Joe were polite to one another, but she couldn't expect miracles, could she?
After dinner, the four of them played blackjack, something that wouldn't remind the boys of their father, who'd had no patience with card games.
"Caddy, stop trying to distract me," Joe said, arranging his cards while the dog licked his arm. He smiled at Sharon over his hand, and threw down an Ace and a Jack.
"Not again," Luke groaned. "It's a good thing we're not playing for real money." He tossed in the toothpicks he'd bet, and David did the same.
Sharon leaned toward Joe. "Are you sure you're not dealing yourself some Aces?"
He raised his eyebrows. "Why, ma'am, I can't believe you said that." He stood slowly, stretched, and advanced around the table toward her. "I think that calls for retribution, don't you, guys?"
"Show no mercy," Luke said, obviously getting into the spirit, but David remained silent, watching.
Sharon ran toward the back door and out into the night, with Joe following at a leisurely pace behind her. The screen door slammed and they were alone. Joe continued toward her as she lured him to the woodshed, hungry for his touch.
"I've waited all night for this," he said, his voice husky. He lowered his head and their lips met, tentatively at first, testing, exploring, as if something precious had nearly been destroyed.
Her fingers traced his cheek and jaw, then his throat, loving every part of him.
"Sharon..." Joe's desire was apparent as their bodies strained toward one another. "Will I ever get enough of you?"
"I certainly hope not," she whispered, her warm breath on his neck.
Joe straightened and leaned his head back, shuddering as he scanned the stars. Then he looked down at her upturned face. "I forget everything when I'm with you."
Sharon melted at his words. She wanted to forget, too, but was wary of pushing her sons' acceptance too far or too fast. She could imagine how strange her being with another man must seem to them.
As if reading her thoughts, Joe said, "I know. They'll be wondering about us."
"So am I," Sharon said, wishing he'd say the words she longed to hear, but apparently Joe wasn't ready for complete surrender.