A Merry Little Christmas (33 page)

Pippa shrugged. She hadn’t yet got round to broaching the subject. Everything still felt raw and new between them.

‘I really hope so,’ she said. ‘He’s certainly more like himself than he was a couple of months ago, but I’m not sure how ready he is to come and socialise in the real world. It was never his favourite thing before.’

‘And how are you two getting on?’

‘It’s better,’ said Pippa. ‘He comes round most days now, and helps me with Lucy. But we’re both still a bit wary, so we’re taking it slowly. He’s stayed over once or twice, but he doesn’t seem to want to rush things, which is probably a good thing. How about you? What are things like in your house?’

‘Also slightly better,’ said Cat. ‘I’m planning a baby shopping trip with Mel, to try and bond with her a bit more. But to be honest, I’m dreading it. Going to buy baby clothes for my new grandchild was something I imagined doing in ten years’ time, when I’m thoroughly delighted about it; not now when I’ve only just said goodbye to the last chance I’m going to have of having my own baby. It just feels wrong and too soon, and I can’t get as excited about it as I’d like to.’

‘That is fair enough,’ said Pippa. ‘Despite what I said to you about Lucy, if I was in a more regular situation, I think I’d feel the same.’

‘The trouble is, whether I like it or not, this baby is on its way,’ said Cat. ‘So I guess I’d better get used to the idea of being a granny.’

‘What does Noel think?’

‘Well, as you can imagine he’s not exactly thrilled that his eldest daughter is “up the duff” at the tender age of sixteen. But he’s put on a much better face than me. He keeps going all gooey about baby pictures. I swear he’s having some kind of weird male hormonal response to it all. Maybe it’s because I lost our baby earlier in the year – his body’s gone into hunter-gatherer mode, and now he’s got a grandchild to look forward to, he’s gone doubly protective.’

Pippa laughed. ‘Sorry,’ she said, ‘it’s probably not funny.’

‘Not terribly,’ said Cat, ‘but there’s only so much gloom a girl can take. You do have to laugh, otherwise you end up in the gutter slitting your wrists.’

‘And that would never do,’ said Pippa, laughing harder.

‘No it wouldn’t,’ said Cat, grinning herself.

‘That really is an excellent way of looking at life,’ said Pippa. ‘There’s nothing to be done about the crap things in our lives, so we may as well try and enjoy the rest of it.’

‘So let’s make this ball a night to remember,’ said Cat.

‘I’ll drink to that,’ said Pippa, raising her cup of tea.

The shops were heaving. Christmas shopping was well underway, and Cat had already got a headache from hearing
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
for the millionth time as she and Mel negotiated their way around the Shrewsbury shops. She felt quite nostalgic walking into Mothercare.

‘It doesn’t seem that long ago I was buying maternity clothes for you,’ she said wistfully, as she picked up a baggy top that she thought might suit Mel.

‘Why do you always have to rub it in?’

‘What?’ said Cat. ‘What on earth did I do now?’

‘I know you think I’m too young to be a mum,’ said Mel. ‘But you really don’t have to go on about it.’

‘That’s not what I meant–’ said Cat, but Mel had stormed out of the shop adding, ‘And that top’s gross. It’s okay for old women like you, but I’m sixteen. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean to say I have to look sad and ugly.’

Ouch, hit your mother where it hurts, why don’t you? Cat felt that familiar twinge of jealousy. Oh to be young and pretty again, like Mel, even if she was pregnant. She caught a glimpse of herself in the shop mirror. Her fair hair was looking flat and uninteresting, and she was dressed in unflattering jeans and a baggy jumper and fleece. She looked frumpy, fat and middle-aged. God she was turning into a wreck, while Mel looked beautiful. It didn’t seem quite fair.

‘Mel!’ said Cat, chasing after her, ‘come back. Come on, sit down and let’s start again. I didn’t mean anything by what I said. I was just remembering how excited I was when I first bought maternity clothes.’

‘Well I’m hardly excited, am I?’ said Mel. ‘I don’t want to be pregnant, remember?’

Resisting the temptation to say, And whose fault is that, do you think? Cat sat down with her daughter and said, ‘Look sweetie, I know this isn’t ideal. And it’s not what Dad and I wanted for you, but this baby is coming, so we’d all better get used to it.’

‘I don’t want to get used to it,’ grumbled Mel. ‘I want to be out with my mates having fun, like I used to. Not cooped-up indoors, feeling miserable.’

‘You don’t have to be stuck inside all the time,’ said Cat. ‘Come on, there are some pretty Christmas dresses we could get you if you want. Just because you’re pregnant you don’t have to cut yourself off from the rest of the world, you know.’

That elicited a small smile.

‘Better,’ said Cat. ‘Come on, let’s have a look at these dresses and then we’ll start looking at baby stuff.’

Half an hour later, they emerged with bags full of maternity clothes that Mel considered were halfway decent to wear, and a ridiculous number of babygros.

‘Mum, calm down,’ said Mel, laughing as Cat had been unable to resist more and more sweet designs.

‘I can’t help it,’ said Cat. ‘I used to love buying babygros for all of you, there’s something so perfect about a tiny baby in a sweet little romper suit.’

‘Barf,’ said Mel. ‘I didn’t realise you were so sentimental. It’s only a babygro.’

‘You wait,’ said Cat, ‘when you hold that baby in your arms, and look at it in that sweet little babygro, your heart will melt.’

‘No it won’t,’ said Mel, ‘because I’m not going to keep it.’

‘What?’ said Cat.

‘You heard me,’ said Mel. ‘I am not going to fall in love with this baby, because as far as I’m concerned it’s just a little blip in my life. I’m going to have it, get it adopted, and move on, and go to uni and get a career like you want me to.’

‘But–’ Cat was staggered. She’d only just got her head round the idea of being a grandmother, now Mel threw this at her. ‘Don’t be daft, Mel, Dad and I will help you look after it.’

‘Yeah, like that’s what you really want to do,’ said Mel. ‘I can’t get rid of the baby any other way. It’s the perfect solution. I thought you’d be pleased.’

‘The cathedral looks rather lovely at night, doesn’t it?’ said Marianne, as she and Gabriel slipped into the pews of Middleminster Cathedral, ready for the evensong service. It was the first time they’d been able to get over to a service since Steven started school, and he’d been really keen for them to attend. The cathedral was a medieval building with later additions, with a glorious rose window to rival York’s and a staggeringly high nave. It was lit with candles for evensong, and coming in out of a cold frosty night, it felt welcoming and special. Marianne wasn’t terribly churchy, but she found something comforting about the old church traditions, and hearing choir boys at evensong was one of those traditions which she found especially uplifting.

She and Gabriel had arrived early so that they could sit near the front and get a good view of Steven. It hadn’t been his turn with them this weekend, but as he had a very small solo, Gabriel had promised they’d be there. And after all the weekends that Eve and Darren had monopolised Steven, it was the least they could do. They’d come without the twins, who were round at Jean and David’s, and both she and Gabriel were really looking forward to hearing Steven sing.

‘Oh, I didn’t imagine you’d be coming too.’ Marianne looked up, and to her dismay, saw Eve and Darren bearing down on them.

‘We did say to Stevie that he probably only needed us to come along,’ Eve continued. ‘It’s a bit over the top if we’re all here, don’t you think?’

‘Steven asked us to come and so we’re here,’ said Gabriel with a deliberately level voice, but Marianne could see him practically grinding his teeth in rage. ‘And as we haven’t had Steven for the last two weekends, we really wanted to come and see him.’ He was clearly furious with Eve, and rightly so. She had grabbed more than her share of Steven’s weekends, and it was becoming a thorny issue.

Marianne grabbed hold of Gabriel’s hand and squeezed it. Honestly, that woman was the limit. To think she used to feel sorry for her.

‘Well now we’re all here, do you mind if we join you?’ said Darren, in forced hearty tones.

It seemed rude and somewhat inappropriate in church to tell them what they actually thought, so Marianne and Gabriel moved further up the pew to allow Eve and Darren to sit with them.

‘We normally sit here of course,’ said Darren.

‘You’ve been before?’ said Marianne in surprise. ‘I thought this was the first time Steven had had a solo.’

‘Oh it is,’ said Eve, ‘but we want to support him at every opportunity, so we’ve been making a point of coming every week.’

‘Have you now,’ said Gabriel between gritted teeth.

‘Shhh,’ said Marianne, ‘I think it’s about to start.’

The choir and the vicar had begun to process down the cathedral aisle and make their way up to the High Altar. Steven was among them, looking swamped by his choir gown, but his face lit up when he saw Gabriel, and Marianne felt a warm glow. Good, he hadn’t forgotten them, despite Eve’s apparent best efforts to prise him away from them.

The service itself was beautiful, and Steven’s solo was enchanting. Every note seemed to hang in the air and soar up to the rafters of the beautiful old building. Marianne surreptitiously wiped a tear away, and saw Gabriel doing the same. What was it about kids and singing? It was that purity somehow that ripped into your soul, and made you remember what it was like to be young and free and innocent. Eve and Darren were all over Steven once the service was over, and Gabriel and Marianne scarcely had a moment to say well done to him before he was whisked away back to school with his class.

‘He’s thriving so much at that school,’ said Eve. ‘I think it’s the best thing we ever did for him. He was so full of it yesterday when we took him out for lunch.’

‘I thought you were having him for the whole weekend,’ frowned Gabriel.

‘Oh yes, we were,’ Eve said quickly, ‘but then Darren had a business dinner he couldn’t get out of, and he needed me there, so unfortunately we had to bring Steven back to school early. Unavoidable I’m afraid. Steven understood. And we’ll see him next week.’

‘No, I think it’s our turn next week,’ said Gabriel. ‘You’ve had him for two weeks running.’

‘Oh,’ Eve’s demeanour drooped. ‘You’re right of course. But I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if we dropped in and took Steven out for a quick bite to eat at lunchtime?’

‘Eve,’ said Gabriel firmly. ‘We have an arrangement, it’s much better to stick to it.’

‘Yes, that’s right, darling,’ said Darren, ‘and I think I’ve got a golf thing next Saturday anyway.’

There was something about the way he said it, which made Marianne wonder if all was well in paradise. It was as if he wasn’t all that keen to have Steven all the time. Maybe Eve was pushing for it more because of her guilt, but Darren would have been happy with less contact.

‘Well that’s settled, then,’ said Marianne brightly. ‘We’ll see Steven next weekend, and you’ll have him the weekend after. And then we can all meet up again at the Christmas concert. Won’t that be nice?’

She hoped that no one noticed her sarcasm, but luckily both Eve and Darren were so caught up in themselves it seemed to have passed them by.

‘Do you think we all need to come?’ began Darren.

‘Well if it’s difficult for you and Eve,’ said Gabriel, ‘please don’t worry, as we’re happy to be there for Steven.’

There was a pregnant pause and Eve said brightly, ‘And of course, so are we, but it’s difficult in the week, when we both need to be in London. It’s so tricky for us both to get away …’

‘No worries,’ said Gabriel, ‘we’re here, and it’s
so
much easier for us.’

Marianne dug him in the ribs, but he carried on remorselessly, ‘After all, my work doesn’t really take me away from the family ever, does it, Marianne?’

‘Never,’ grinned Marianne. ‘Come on, we need to get back to the twins.’

‘Honestly,’ said Gabriel as they got back in the car. ‘I know we’ve just been to church, but I’ve never felt more like murdering someone.’

‘I know,’ said Marianne. ‘Still, never mind, we won. We get Steven next weekend.’

‘We did, didn’t we?’ said Gabriel with a grin.

‘Do you think Mel was serious about giving the baby up?’ Noel had been staggered when Cat told him the news.

‘I don’t know,’ said Cat. ‘She seemed pretty determined. I suppose it is the sensible thing to do …’

‘But …?’

‘I know we didn’t want this, and I know we’re getting ready to move on in our lives now and the last thing we need is a baby …’

Cat broke off again, trying to make sense of her feelings. Her anger with Mel had begun to ebb away, and now all she could see was her daughter in trouble, and a grandchild going to a stranger’s home. And knowing she could have no more babies of her own somehow made it worse. Mel couldn’t have found a better way to hurt her if she’d tried. Perhaps it was her own fault; if she hadn’t pushed Mel away when she’d found out about the baby, if she could have brought herself to be more forgiving …

‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’ Noel gently laced his fingers over hers. ‘Cat, this has been a tough year for you, losing the baby, then your mum, now Mel being pregnant.’

‘It’s hardly been easy for you, either,’ said Cat. ‘And I’ve probably been a bit of a drag, with one thing and another.’

‘No you haven’t,’ said Noel kissing her. ‘I’ve just been thinking though. Maybe, we can turn this round, make a positive out of a negative.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, neither of us wants Mel to ruin her life by having a baby, right?’

‘No of course not,’ said Cat. ‘All I want is for her to have all the opportunities I did, not shut herself off from them so early on.’

‘And you know I’d really love the thought of us having another baby?’

‘Yes, you were rather keen on having a new baby,’ said Cat. ‘God alone knows why.’