All the weeks of being apart, the constant yo-yo of the past year, it vanishes with each caress, each whisper.
My hands are all over her and hers are all over me. Touching me exactly where she knows I like it, making me arch into her when she grips my hard length.
“Take your pants off and come inside,” she nips at my jaw.
Fumbling around, I manage to kick them off. “You still have the condoms?” I whisper and she nods as she reaches over to her nightstand, pulling one from her drawer.
Then sitting up and leaning back, she tears the wrapper open and stars at me as she gently rolls it on. I’m panting, breathing like I’ve run a marathon. Straddling my hips, she smiles and throws her head back, exposing the long length of her neck as she slides slowly down.
“You’re so beautiful,” I whisper, fondling her breasts.
Grunting, she starts to move and I stop talking.
I follow her lead, matching my rhythm to hers, working in and out, taking what she offers.
I don’t know if she knows, but Lili’s love, it’s healing me.
I’ll never forget what happened to me, that’s not possible, but I also know I’m no longer alone. Every sigh, every caress, she’s stitching me back up. She’s taken the broken pieces and glued them all together, I’m not perfect, there are still defects, but I’m standing again and that’s all that matters.
Whipping her long hair over her shoulder, she looks at me, refusing to turn away or close he eyes.
She’s showing me what she sees when she looks at me.
There’s joy, and I know I’m the one that put it there.
Me, little old, broken me.
I’m the one making her face twist up, making her stomach flutter, making her pulse quicken and I’m the name that falls from her lips as she finally comes.
Exhausted, we lay in a tangled heap. And I’m smiling, really smiling. She grabs my wrists and kisses the scars. Peppering the pink ribbons with so many kisses I lose count, each press of her lips a whisper that it’s okay. It will be okay. That I’m not alone, not anymore.
I love her so much, and maybe I don’t deserve her, but I’m never giving Lili up.
“I love you,” I kiss her forehead and I feel her smile on my chest. “Marry me.”
Gasping, she sits up. “What?”
Shaking my head, I wrap the throw blanket around her shoulders, pulling her back onto my lap.
“I’m done looking. I don’t want anyone else. Marry me.”
She bites her lip. “Really?”
“Lili, I told you everything tonight and by some miracle you’re still here. I’ll never find that again. I know it. I’ll never feel for anyone the way I do for you. I know you’re twenty-two, and maybe you feel too young, but I’ll wait and whenever--”
“Yes!” She kisses me, flinging her arms around my shoulders. “Yes. Yes. Yes.” She pepperes my brows, the slope of busted up nose, my jaw. “Yes.”
And I laugh. It comes from every dark corner. But the darkness isn’t so dark anymore, because now there’s light. And it’s just a small flame, but it’s there.
“I hoped you’d say that.”
Reaching for my jeans, I pull out the ring that never left my side. Even when I was pretending not to care, not to remember her, I never forgot her. I slept with the damn thing.
Pulling out the box, I slowly crack open the lid.
Her fingers shake first, then her shoulders, then her entire body as she reaches for it with a happy little cry. “It’s so beautiful. It’s perfect. You’re perfect. I love you. I love it.”
I slip the ring on her finger and that night when I slept, I knew it was okay. Even if the dreams returned, I’d never be alone again.
Because now I have her and Javi, Mama, Alex, and Ade. My life is whole, I’d stood and fought just like Alex had told me too and in the end, I won.
So in the end, what is a moment? One action? A single deed? Or is it more? Is a moment like a school of silver fish?
The sum of many singular parts forming one cohesive unit? I tend to think so. Because the moment I met Ryan, that was just one of the sum parts. But it really started before him. Every tear I shed… every hurt I felt, it led me straight to him. Mama’s diagnosis, getting pregnant at fourteen, my father abandoning us, never choosing to date for seven years, each action kept pushing me closer and closer to Ryan. Life is never going to be smooth sailing, but I’ve learned to roll with the punches. The dreams still come, but his doctor assures me I'm doing everything right and eventually they'll heal like any wound does. Ryan and I are getting ready to celebrate our fifth anniversary. Sometimes I can hardly believe it. I love him so much, and I want him to always know that. No matter who he thinks he is, I know who he really is. A beautiful, wonderful man who’s been through hell and back and came out stronger in the end. Would I change anything? No. Because in the end I got everything I could have ever hoped for. Javi grows more brave each day, and he talks! It took him a while; his teacher says the words were always in him, he just needed a reason to bring them out. Mama is long gone, God rest her soul, but her legacy of love lives on inside me. In fact, I haven’t told Ryan yet but I found out something amazing today. I’m pregnant. My hand is shaking as I write this. I’m creating a little person inside me, someone I hope looks just like him. Big blue eyes and long curly hair. If it’s a girl, we’ll name her after my mother… Augustina Rose Cosgrove. August for short. Fitting, since that’s the month she’ll be born. As I look back on the times I’ve spent with him, loving him, learning him, I’m grateful for the moments. Because in the end, it’s the moments that make life worth living…
Liliana Cosgrove
Acknowledgements:
To my husband, for putting up with my craziness. Honey, I could never do any of this without you. I hope you know that and that you also know from the bottom of my heart, just how much I adore you. You’re my sanity in this crazy world.
To my amazing girls. Sonya, you’re so awesome and one of my biggest cheerleaders, I’m so glad you’re my CP. Vivienne, I heart you. I’m so glad to know you.
Sofia
, girl… you saved my butt. You know you did. Jennifer, you’re an amazing, talented writer and I happen to think you pretty much rock.
Regina
, your artwork is beyond my imagination. I love it, I really do. To my agent, Jessica Faust, for believing in me.
And finally…
To my readers, wow… I love you guys. All the wonderful notes you send me, I read every single one. You guys are why I do this.
Author’s Note:
Obviously, Silver Springs played a huge role in this book. In fact, the idea for the book came from the song. Within 3 minutes I saw the entire book unfold, I saw Ryan’s struggle, Lili’s fight to save him and finally Ryan discovering that no one can save you, but yourself. But even though I felt very strongly I needed to write the book, I was terrified to do it. Because it felt too personal, too raw, and too scary.
So what do I say after writing a book like this? I’ve gone back and forth in my mind wondering how I should end this, if I should even say something. This wasn’t an easy book to write, and I wanted to make sure never to trivialize or sensationalize it. Because sad to say, this happens. Too often this type of abuse goes unreported, especially by males. And it takes a very strong person to love someone who’s experienced this sort of trauma. When something like this happens it strips you, makes you feel like you’re not the same person, like you’re disgusting and dirty… but guess what, it’s not your fault. Like the priest said, and what I’ve always wanted to tell all of you who’ve suffered from something like this, you didn’t ask for this, it wasn’t your fault. Like Ryan, I hope you chose to fight and know you’re beautiful. Don’t let something like this define who you are, because in the end it’s all the moment’s that make you, you. I’ll leave you with a note I read the other day that felt very fitting. It’s a prayer by St. Francis:
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where this is injury, pardon; Where is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; And where there is sadness, joy.
And I hope I’ve done that, because even though parts of this book were sad, the whole of it is a story of triumph and joy.
About Marie Hall:
Marie Hall has always had a dangerous fascination for creatures that go bump in the night. And mermaids. And of course fairies. Trolls. Unicorns. Shapeshifters. Vampires. Scottish brogues. Kilts. Beefy arms. Ummm... Bad boys! Especially the sexy ones.
On top of that she's a confirmed foodie, she nearly went to culinary school and then figured out she could save a ton of money if she just watched food shows religiously! She's a self-proclaimed master chef, certified deep sea dolphin trainer, finder of leprechaun's gold at the end of the rainbow, and rumor has it she keeps the Troll King locked away in her basement. All of which is untrue, however, she does have an incredibly active imagination and loves to share her crazy thoughts with the world!
If you want to see what new creations she's got up her sleeves check out her blog:
www.MarieHallWrites.blogspot.com
Or sign up for my newsletter to find out about my latest releases or which projects I’m working on now:
Marie Hall Books:
Kingdom Series (Fairytale Romance)
Her Mad Hatter (Free everywhere! Book 1 based on Alice and the Mad Hatter)
Gerard’s Beauty (Book 2 based on Beauty and the Beast)
Red and Her Wolf (Book 3 based on Little Red Riding Hood)
The Kingdom Collection (Books 1-3 with bonus deleted scenes)
Jinni’s Wish (Book 4, based on Arabian Nights)
Hook’s Pan (Book 5, Based on Peter Pan COMING SOON!)
Grim Reaper Saga:
The Witching Hour (Book 1)
Coming Soon:
Book 2 of the Moment’s Series: Alex and Zoe’s story