A Most Civil Proposal (17 page)

Darcy could only look at her in confusion and stammer, “I am sorry . . . I do not believe I understand . . .”

Elizabeth sighed. “Sometimes I do not understand myself either, Mr. Darcy.”

“I do want you to know that I meant what I said in my letter, and my offer of marriage remains open.”

“I never doubted it, sir. You have, if nothing else, impressed me with your determination.” But then her expression sobered, and she continued, “But before I answer, there are certain things that I must tell you, and I must apologize in advance because some of what I have to say may pain you.”

Darcy nodded silently, his chest tight.

“First,” she began, “there is the letter that you wrote me at Hunsford and the whole situation that caused it. I must tell you that I was infuriated when I first read it, both at being involved so unfairly and at the manner in which you stated that your intentions and affections remained unchanged. I considered it a measure of your arrogance and your presumption that you would say what you did, but after I talked with Charlotte and calmed down, I could see the sense of what you wrote and even understand the reason that you offered to renew your proposal.”

Darcy winced. “I feared that the letter would upset you, but Fitzwilliam and I could see no other way to apprise you of what we had discovered, nor did we believe that we could delay our departure without making the situation worse. I did walk in the park, hoping to talk to you in person, but I did not meet you.”

“After our confrontation the previous day, I purposely stayed inside.” With a sigh, she added, “Perhaps it would have been better to have followed my usual custom. As to your assessment of the situation, you and your cousin were likely correct. Certainly, Charlotte energetically defended you, pointing out the logic of your arguments and demanding of me why I was so offended when you were being so generous to defend my reputation.” She smiled in remembrance and continued, “After my anger cooled, I even allowed that she might not be completely in error.”

“I am sorry to have been the cause of such turmoil,” he said carefully. “And you need not apologize for your anger on receiving my letter — I suspected as much — and your reaction to it was not unreasonable.” He ran his fingers through his hair in the manner that, Elizabeth was beginning to understand, betrayed his inner agitation, and she waited to see if he had more to add before she continued.

“But your letter and our conversations before you left did give me many things to think about,” she said, “even though I am forced to admit that I was not able to fully consider them until I received Jane’s letter announcing her engagement to Bingley. I knew then that you were, truly, a man of your word, and I was at last able to think deeply on all the matters that were at issue between us.” She coloured slightly. “You cannot know how mortified I was when I understood the manner in which I let myself be deceived by Mr. Wickham. No, Mr. Darcy,” she said, as he started to interject a comment, “I know you are going to say that I must not be so hard on myself, because he has deceived others, but that is not the issue here. What I had to admit is that if I had been so very wrong in my judgment of Mr. Wickham, then I might have been wrong about other things as well. I went back to the very beginning of our acquaintance to consider how I might have deceived myself and drawn other wrong conclusions. It took a very long time to think through everything, and the conclusions I came to were quite surprising to me.”

Elizabeth met Darcy’s eyes firmly. “When I at length ended my deliberations, I was shocked to discover that I could no longer find any sound reason, after all, to refuse your proposal.” She noted the manner in which he suddenly sat up straighter, and his gaze on her was intent. “I was almost as surprised by my conclusions as I was by your unexpected declaration. We both know that just over a week ago, I had no knowledge of your true feelings. I believed that you despised me, and I was resolved to despise you in turn. Then, as I sat thinking that night, I realized I had just concluded that you were right in at least one of your assertions, and we indeed were well matched. It was a staggering reversal, and I was quite discomfited as I tried to deal with it.”

Elizabeth could not look away from Mr. Darcy as his eyes were fixed on hers with an intent look that could only remind her of the strength of his love for her. She struggled to continue.

“You must know how deeply I regret the manner in which I was wrong about your character. Hopefully, we have both improved in understanding since that evening at the Parsonage. But that leads to the matter that you must know before I can give you an answer: my conclusions were based on logic and reasoning — matters of the head rather than matters of the heart. I know of your feelings for me; as surprised as I was by your declaration, I can have no doubt of your love, and it is still a marvel to me. But I must tell you that it is too much to expect that I could return your love in such a short time when this is the first time I have seen you since you left Rosings. And today is the first chance we have had to talk with a complete understanding of each other. So, just as you have been honest with me, I will not attempt to profess feelings that are not my own. I have come to believe in your honour and your honesty, and I already know many things to admire in you, but at this moment there is an inequality in our feelings for one another, and the imbalance favours my comfort more than yours, for I know I am loved and you have no corresponding assurance.”

“Is that all?” he asked softly.

“Is it not enough, sir? Truly, I will understand if you now wish to withdraw your offer.”

“Nonsense!” he stated firmly. Elizabeth looked confused, and he had to laugh softly. “If you think that I am going to be frightened off by a little honesty on your part, Miss Elizabeth Bennet, then you have not yet measured the extent of my determination!

“Now,” he leaned forward in his chair, fixing his eyes on her, “there was a mention of an
answer
, now that I have been suitably warned.”

Elizabeth smiled slowly, her spirits rising. “But sir, an answer requires a
question
, and as I think back, I can only remember a
statement
.” She leaned forward as well, one lovely eyebrow arched, as she asked softly, “Was there not a
question
that you had for me, Mr. Darcy?”

Darcy gave a sharp bark of laughter at her impudent comment, and then grinned hugely, suddenly feeling better than he had for months.

“Miss Elizabeth Bennet,” he said forcefully, cheered by the smile that she shared with him, “will you do me the honour of taking my hand in marriage?”

“Well, sir,” she said demurely, “it does seem that I have no choice but to accept your kind offer, so the answer is yes, I will marry you. But now you know the reason that I laughed at that rancid piece of gossip. Since I had already demolished all my previous objections to you, all it did was change the timing and not the result. Assuming,” she said with a smile, “that you did not simply drop me as a bad business.”

“Little chance of that,” Darcy growled as he took her hand possessively.

“Though, I
am
sorry to miss the lengthy courtship you promised me,” she teased. “After I spent so many hours in thought and found myself having to change so many of my opinions of you, I was quite looking forward to my return to London.” She smiled softly and squeezed his hand. “I have not been courted before, and I found that the idea had gained an attraction that caught me completely by surprise.”

He smiled back at her, his happiness somewhat tempered by her honest sentiments.
What more could I have expected?
he told himself firmly.
A sudden profession of love at such a time would not be in her character. Honesty flows both ways, and if she can trust me enough to warn me of her feelings, then I am well satisfied.

Elizabeth was serious as she continued. “Now you turn out to have been right about the threat of scandal. We truly must marry, and now that we are engaged, let me put your mind at rest. Do not worry that my reservations will make me unhappy. Please believe me when I tell you that I am not disposed to melancholy, and the assurance of your esteem has given me confidence in our future life. I have complete trust in your pledge that I will be treated with respect and consideration, and many wives never have such a hope. And I will do my utmost to be a good wife, to care for you and our children, and to always work for your contentment and satisfaction. I feel gratified that you have chosen me despite the unkind things I have said about you.”

Darcy was moved by the strength of her assurances, and her words were balm to the pains that he had earlier felt. Suddenly he rose to his feet, and Elizabeth looked up as he towered over her, so tall and imposing, yet with more warmth and sympathetic understanding on his face than she would have believed possible before. He reached out to her, and her hands went to his almost without conscious thought, and she found herself being pulled to her feet and then being pulled to his chest. She did not resist as his arms enfolded her into an embrace

The experience of being held by any man was a novel one for her, and she found that the sensation of Mr. Darcy’s arms around her gave rise to unfamiliar and unexpected feelings. She felt a contentment that she had never known and had not even been aware of missing. More, she felt a protection and security that was equally unprecedented. She could not put into words why it was, but had she been disposed to examine how her character had been formed while growing up in a household exemplified by chaos and lack of direction, she might have had an inkling. She had never had anyone to lean on except Jane, and the support they provided each other was different from what she now felt in Darcy’s arms. She could not put a name on it, but she knew that she did not want it to end.

Yet end it must, and eventually she was stirred to find her handkerchief and dry the few tears that had somehow run down her cheeks, due not to anguish but rather to the release of emotions she had been holding strictly in check. As she dabbed her eyes, Darcy raised her chin to look her in the face. “Elizabeth,” he said intently, wanting to make sure she understood and believed him, “you have made me happier tonight than I have ever been in my life.” His eyes darkened in that familiar way as he looked at her, and he said simply, “I do not believe I could live without you, and I cannot believe the desperately small margin by which I avoided that fate. Do not worry about what you termed reservations. I understand, believe me, and I could not expect more given the turbulent nature of our acquaintance. But from this point on, you may be secure in my love as my mother was in my father’s love all the days of her life. I admit that some of what you said pained me, but I know that your words were honest and truthful, and I would always have it that way between us. I am satisfied and content that we shall be friends at the least and hopefully more in time.”

He suddenly smiled. “If you would have me adopt some of your philosophy, then you should adopt some of mine. I have been saying to myself very many times these past days, that it could have been
ever
so much worse!”

That did amuse Elizabeth as she stood with his arms still about her. “It could indeed, Mr. Darcy,” she said with a light laugh, “it could indeed.”

“Then do you not think it is time to stop calling me ‘Mr. Darcy’?” he said with a smile.

“Then what shall I call you, sir?” she asked with a raise of her eyebrow. “Shall I call you Fitzwilliam?”

Darcy winced. “No one calls me Fitzwilliam, Elizabeth.”

“But is it not your Christian name, Mr. Darcy?” she teased.

“My parents named me Fitzwilliam, but my friends simply call me ‘Darcy.’ My mother called me William when I was young, as does Georgiana now, and I would have you do the same.”

“Then I shall do so, William,” she said easily. “Except when I am angry, when ‘Fitzwilliam’ might slip out!”

He laughed and looked down at her lovely face. “Thank you, Elizabeth,” he said, kissing her on the forehead. “Perhaps we should join the others so that dinner is not delayed on our account.”

Elizabeth tucked her head back into his chest and nestled closer to him. “I find that I like being held, William. I had not expected it, but I find that I like it very much.”

“Then I shall hold you often, my dearest, but we will have to join them at some point.”

“Yes, I know,” she said regretfully, finally pulling free of Darcy’s embrace. “And now would be a good time, for I am beginning to feel quite hungry.”

They met Mr. Gardiner when they left his study, and he looked worried as he recognized a mix of emotions on his niece’s face, Elizabeth smiled at his concern. “Do not be troubled, Uncle. William and I had much to discuss but we had no harsh words, believe me. We have both made mistakes in our acquaintance, and some items needed to be resolved to put those mistakes behind us.”

“To be sure,” he said, though he was not sure that he did see, but her use of Darcy’s Christian name did not escape him or the way that Darcy looked on her with the deepest affection. So he was not unduly surprised when Elizabeth said with a teasing smile, “Perhaps we might join the others now, for we have a small announcement to make before dinner.”

“Ah,” he answered in the same mode as his niece. “A
short
courtship then, I presume?”