A Mother's Secret (29 page)

“I’m listening.” Ruth moved chairs on the other side of the room.

“I’m falling in love with Joshua Glick.” Carolyn shivered as she said the words aloud. “And I’m scared.”

Ruth gasped. “Carolyn, that’s wonderful.”

“No, it’s not.” Carolyn pushed another chair and shook her head. “I can’t fall in love with him because he doesn’t know the truth about Ben.”

“You haven’t told him yet?” Ruth stopped pushing a chair and faced Carolyn. “Why haven’t you?”

Carolyn moved the last chair under the table and then walked over to Ruth. “I’m afraid he’ll be upset that I haven’t told him the truth.”

“
Ya
, he will be.” Ruth sat in a chair and then patted the one beside her. “Sit.”

Carolyn sank onto the chair beside Ruth and frowned. “He and I had a long talk last Tuesday night. He came over to see
mei bruder
and stayed for supper. We talked outside before he left. It was the perfect opportunity to tell him, but I was a coward. I couldn’t do it. I was afraid of ruining the moment.” She hid her head in her hands. “He’s going to find out eventually, and I’m going to lose him.”

“Now wait a minute. You can make this right.”

“How?” Carolyn looked up at Ruth.

“By telling him the truth.”

Carolyn sighed. “I don’t know how to do it.
Mei mamm
said I need to remember I’m worthy of love. She also said God has
forgiven me for my mistake, and my community has forgiven me. I didn’t have to confess to the church because I had Benjamin before I was baptized.
Mei mamm
says that the baptism washed away my sin.”

“Your
mamm
is right, and that’s why Josh will understand and forgive you too.” Ruth smiled. “But you have to tell him the truth. He needs to know.”

“But I’ve waited too long.” Carolyn gestured widely with her hands. “He’s opened up to me about his feelings. I’ve gotten the impression that he doesn’t do that often. He’s going to be upset when I tell him because I wasn’t up front with the truth.”

“That’s right.” Ruth’s smile faded. “I’ve told you already that Josh has been hurt. He was devastated when Hannah left the community because she had rejected him. He proposed to her. He wanted to marry her and help her raise her
kinner
.”

“
Ach
, I had no idea.” Carolyn shook her head. “I knew he cared for her, but I didn’t know she rejected his proposal. I can’t imagine how much that hurt.”

“
Ya
, he’s been through a lot since he also lost his
bruder
. I’m certain he has a difficult time trusting people. If he’s already opened up to you, that means he cares for you. He’s going to expect you to be open and honest with him.”

“Are you saying it’s too late?” Her shoulders tensed at the thought of losing him.

“No.” Ruth shook her head. “I’m saying that the longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell him, and the more hurt he’ll be. Just explain to him that you wanted to tell him a long time ago, but you were afraid. Explain that you’ve had people look down on you your whole adult life, and it’s a difficult mistake for you to admit. I’m certain he’ll understand. He’s been through a lot in
his life, and he’ll understand that you have too. I have faith that he’ll forgive you.”

Carolyn nodded. “
Danki
.”

“Pray about it.” Ruth touched Carolyn’s arm. “Remember what the scriptures say in 1 John: ‘Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.’ You’ll show Joshua how much you care for him when you tell him the truth.”

“I know you’re right, but it’s more complicated than that.” Carolyn stared down at her apron as she spoke. “Saul has been coming to see me at night.”

“He has?”

Carolyn nodded. “He came last night, and we sat on the porch together. He said he wants to continue getting to know me. I feel so stuck because he knows about Ben, but he’s still willing to marry me. I know he’s only interested in marrying me so that he has a mother for young Emma. But I feel like I should think about marrying him to give Ben a real family.”

“Do you love Saul?”

“No.”

“Carolyn, look at me.”

She looked up at Ruth.

“You know the answer to this,” Ruth began. “Ben has a real family. He has you, your parents, and your extended family. You don’t need to settle for a loveless marriage just to satisfy some notion you have about what family is. Ben is a
gut bu
. You and your parents have given him enough love to last him a lifetime. You need to find a marriage that makes you
froh
.”

“I know, but I don’t feel worthy of a marriage based on love.” Carolyn sniffed as tears stung her eyes.

“You’re worthy, Carolyn. Everyone is worthy of a happy life.”

The truth drowned Carolyn. She wanted to be with Joshua, not Saul.

“Now you need to tell Saul you aren’t interested in marrying him, and then you need to tell Joshua the truth. You’re a strong
maedel
. You’ve raised your son without worrying about what people thought up until this point. Now you need to trust your instincts and go forward. Follow your heart and pray.” Ruth squeezed Carolyn’s hand. “Tell me that you’re going to do what’s right.”

“I will.” Carolyn’s voice was soft and hesitant.

“Say it like you mean it, Carolyn.” Ruth smiled. “Come on now. You’ve never been shy before.”

“You’re right, Ruth. I’ll do the right thing.” Carolyn forced a smile despite the worry overtaking her. “
Danki
. I knew you would give me
gut
advice.”

Now she needed to find a way to tell Joshua the truth without losing him.

Ruth studied Carolyn and a question rang through her mind. She’d been thinking of her son constantly, ever since Carolyn mentioned that she’d had a baby when she was sixteen. “Carolyn,” she began. “How old is Benjamin?”

Carolyn looked over at her. “He’s fifteen.”

“And when will he be sixteen?”

“In June.” Carolyn moved another chair under the table.

Ruth needed to know more. She couldn’t stop the feeling that Aaron could be Benjamin’s father. “Carolyn, may I ask you how you met Benjamin’s father?”

Carolyn stopped pushing a chair and faced Ruth. “He worked at the market in Philadelphia with me. I was completely blinded by young love, and I didn’t think straight when he was around.” Carolyn’s expression clouded as if she were reliving the memories. “He was so handsome and I felt so blessed that he even noticed me. He was so confident. Looking back, I see how irresponsible and immature I was.”

Ruth’s memories took her back to when Aaron was a teenager. He also worked at the Philadelphia market with a few of his friends. The coincidence was almost too much for Ruth to bear.

“He told me that he loved me,” Carolyn continued. “I was stupid and irresponsible, and I gave in to his constant pressure.” She shook her head. “I’m not proud of my mistakes, but I love my son.”

“I know you love him, Carolyn. You don’t have to apologize to me.” Ruth paused and then asked, “Why did your boyfriend leave the community?”

“He told me that he had a terrible argument with his father over his strictness. He couldn’t stand the restriction of our culture anymore, and he decided he had to leave. He wanted me to go with him, but I couldn’t leave my family. He left before I even knew I was going to have a
boppli
.” Carolyn gave Ruth a curious expression. “What do you want to ask me, Ruth?”

Ruth forced a smile. “Nothing, nothing. I was just wondering. Let’s finish up and then we can go enjoy our lunch.”

They both continued moving the chairs.

While she worked, Ruth contemplated her son, Aaron, and her mind raced with confusion. He had left a note saying he never felt as if he fit into the community and the Amish culture
was too restrictive. Now she couldn’t stop wondering if Aaron had been Carolyn’s boyfriend.

Could Benjamin Lapp be my grandson?

The thought caused a chill to dance up Ruth’s spine. At first the idea seemed preposterous, but then it began to resonate when Carolyn said that she had worked at the market in Philadelphia. There was a chance that Aaron and Carolyn had met and even fallen in love.

Ruth pushed the thoughts away. She couldn’t spend her life drawing conclusions about Aaron when she didn’t know if they were true. She could only pray that he was healthy and safe.

And someday, maybe someday, she’d have the chance to see him again.

Those thoughts continued to percolate in her mind as they finished straightening the conference room. As they moved to the break room, Ruth sent up a prayer to God, asking him to someday bring her Aaron home to her and heal her broken heart.

SEVENTEEN

A
s Joshua climbed up his porch steps the following Monday morning, his eyes moved to the overgrown mess of weeds that had once been Hannah’s glorious garden. His house had once been a beautiful home surrounded by vegetables and flowers that Hannah and his nieces had cultivated with love and hard work. He longed to transform his house back to the beautiful property it once was.

His thoughts turned to the day Carolyn had begun to clean out the weeds, and he wondered if she would consider taking care of the garden for him. If she agreed, then they not only could have an opportunity to see each other, but they could also share any profits if she wanted to sell vegetables at the market.

Excitement swelled within him as the plan took shape. First he had to talk to her and see if she’d be willing to work in his garden. He knew that she worked at the hotel on Mondays. He’d already planned to go to the hardware store today, and since he needed some bulky supplies, he’d arranged for a driver. He’d ask his driver to stop by the hotel on their way back to the farm.

As he made his way to the large barn, Joshua quickened his steps. He couldn’t wait to see Carolyn. He prayed that he’d get to
the hotel in time to see her, and if so, that she would also be open to the idea of working on the garden.

The elevator door opened with a whoosh, and Carolyn pushed her supply cart out onto the second floor. She hummed to herself as she moved to the end of the long hallway to start cleaning one of the rooms. She knocked on the door and yelled, “Housekeeping!” After receiving no answer, she used her master card key to unlock the door and stepped inside the large, fancy room.

Carolyn was gathering up the used towels in the bathroom when she heard someone call her name. She moved to the hallway while holding an armload of damp towels.

“Carolyn! I’ve been looking for you.” Madeleine hurried down the hall toward her. “Stacey sent me to get you. You have a visitor in the lobby.”

“A visitor?” Carolyn dropped the towels into the supply cart. “Who is it?”

Madeleine shrugged. “I didn’t get his name, but he’s Amish.”

“An Amish man?” Carolyn’s curiosity was piqued. Who would come to visit her at work?

“Go on.” Madeleine shooed her toward the elevator. “I just finished up my work, so I’ll take over for you.”

“Are you certain you don’t mind?” Carolyn brushed her hands over her apron.

“I don’t mind at all. Take your time.”

“Thank you.” Carolyn rushed toward the elevator.