Authors: Nancy Hopper
Then suddenly, he couldn’t handle visits for long periods any more. They just left him too tired. And then, Tasha had to start sleeping in another bed. If she even touched him wrong, it caused him pain. And he was so restless, he was awake on and off, all night long.
The doctor put him on Morphine. He just couldn’t do without it anymore. It seemed so impossible to Tasha — he was simply slipping away from her. And it was happening so fast.
He’d look at her sometimes with a knowing in his eyes, and she’d feel the agony of his tearing away. His eyes were so tender, so soft and clear. He told her all the things in his heart, though it made her cry when he did. He just wanted her to know how much he loved her, how much he loved Naomi and Lucas. He wanted her to understand that no matter what, she was the only woman in his heart, and always would be.
She did. No one could doubt Gary’s sincerity. She let Naomi be with him as much as he could stand it. She also stayed by his side constantly, though he urged her to take breaks. It was harder for him to spend time with Lucas, because he couldn't be still for a second. He was such a busy little boy.
One night as she sat by his bedside, he reached out in the darkness, and took her hand. She had thought him sound asleep, and started at the warm touch of his hand on hers.
“
Tasha.” he whispered hoarsely. She touched his hand tenderly in response. “It won’t be long, now.” he told her breathlessly.
The tears vaulted from her eyes. She was so raw inside. “I know.” she gulped, trembling.
“
It’s going to be all right, Baby.” he soothed. “And I’m going to say this to you, though I know you won’t like it. I want you to listen, and remember this, when the time comes. If the right man should come along, and you should happen to fall in love; Tasha, I don't want you to hesitate for a moment on my account. Do you hear me?”
“
Gary! Don’t!” she groaned.
“
No, I mean it. I know you can’t think of it now, but you must, someday. You’re a young woman. You’re so beautiful. You have many years ahead of you, on this earth. I can’t bear to think of you lonely, trying to live on what we’ve had. It wouldn’t be right for you to try to be happy, living on memories. I just want you to know … it’s all right with me.”
"Just make sure he’s a good man, who knows the Lord and serves Him. Make sure he’s a man who will love you always, and who can love my children. Be careful, Tasha; but don’t ever think you must be true to my memory. That’s foolishness.”
“
You’ll always be more than a memory to me, Gary. You're my husband, and you always will be!” she finally managed to answer. She was so overcome with grief at his words, that she could hardly speak.
“
I know. And I’ll always love you, Tasha. But you have to know, I’d never expect you to live the rest of your life, alone. You can always be my wife, and honor what we've had together; but when I'm gone, you'll have to live life as it comes. You'll find your way, when the time comes.” he promised.
He squeezed her hand, and slipped back into slumber. Tasha sobbed brokenly. The future seemed so completely overwhelming to her at that moment, that she wished she could just lay down beside him and die with him.
He was losing more weight, daily. He was eating much less. He looked so pale and weak that it tore at Tasha’s heart. She had to ask visitors not to come very often. He could only manage ten minutes or so, and then he’d be worn out. He stopped getting out of bed altogether.
It was a terrible blow to him, to have to have help to get to the portable toilet. It was worse when a week later, he couldn’t even get up to do it, with help.
The church hired a full time aide to come and stay with Tasha. She was getting awfully tired. She couldn’t sleep at night because of his restlessness, and need for constant care. And it was easier on Gary not to have Tasha cleaning up after him, all of the time. That was the hardest degradation of all for him.
She moved her bed to the other room, and set up a day bed near Gary for herself and the aide, Linda. Linda took the night shift, then went home and slept all day. Tasha took care of Gary through the day, cooked dinner, and then Linda was back for the evening and night shift.
Hospice made life bearable for Tasha. A Registered Nurse came to see her, and to check on Gary every other day. A social worker came with her to talk to Tasha, as well.
They talked about putting Gary in a nursing home, but Tasha couldn’t bear it. Even though daily he was less the man she knew, she couldn’t do it. She wanted him with her until the end.
It wasn’t long in coming. Soon, he wasn’t aware of what was going on around him, and Tasha was so heartsick every time she looked at him. Her vital, lovely, wonderful husband was nothing but a sack of skin and bones.
But he would talk in his sleep, praising God and holding to Jesus. He would cry out about the victory of the Lord, and say things that made Tasha weep. His heart was so faithful to his God.
She couldn’t completely share his feelings. She felt too bereft and tired. He drew pictures. Abstract, bizarre pieces of art that made no sense, but were strangely sweet to Tasha. She kept them all.
He began to see things and people in the room, that were not there. It broke her heart. Yet she told him, and believed herself, that he was seeing angels. It helped to ease her fear, and his pain.
One night, he stopped what he was doing, and looked beyond her shoulder. “Timothy.” he said clearly.
Tasha looked, trying to follow his gaze, and smiled. There was no one there. “Timothy?” she asked uncertainly.
“
Yes. Of course, it's Timothy!” he said. He threw back his head, and laughed hoarsely.
“
Darling, I don’t understand.” she protested gently. “Who is Timothy, and what is it about him?”
“
Yes, you’d like him, I’m sure of it. Everybody does. It will have to be Timothy. Timothy is strong. He’s strong enough, he’ll be able to do it. He’s such a good man, Tasha! Got a heart of gold.”
"Ha! He won’t be looking for it. Hit him like a lightning bolt, for sure. Dead set against it, after that disaster he went through. But he’ll come around, fast, once he gets things figured out.”
Tasha laughed uncertainly. “All right. Darling, just who is Timothy?”
Gary sighed, and let his head fall back. “Timothy. Just an old friend. I wish that I could see him, now. You’ll like him, honey.”
“
I’m certain that I would.” she agreed softly.
Gary fixed his eyes on her, very brightly. “He's the best friend I ever had.” he said vehemently.
“
You’ve never mentioned him.” she said, lightly.
“
I haven’t seen him much since college; but we were like brothers.” he explained tiredly. “I should have kept in touch. But he went overseas, and I got busy, and suddenly the years have gone by. I did see him in New York last year, for a short time. Had a wonderful visit. He’s such a firebrand, that guy. He's amazing! And I realized that I’d missed him so much, when I saw him again. If he knew about this, he’d be right here.”
“
Shall I try to find him for you, darling?”
“
No. No, I don’t really want him to see me this way. Just remember; it's Timothy. He’ll come around, someday. He’ll look you up someday, looking for me. I’m quite sure of it. Don’t let him be sad about me. Tell him to remember our great times together, and to go on, and do what he needs to do. And tell him I'll be cheering him on.”
“
Okay, I’ll remember.” she promised softly.
“
When he comes, you tell him I knew. Tell him it’s all right with me. Give him my … my blessing. To do what God wants him to do.” He gasped. “You’ll have to do it for me, Tasha. Promise me, you’ll tell him.”
Tasha shook her head in puzzlement, but she smiled. “All right. I’ll remember. I'll tell him.” she promised.
Satisfied, Gary went to sleep. Tasha shook her head, and smiled. He often rambled so, and rarely made any sense, anymore. It was the Morphine, she knew. Still, it was unsettling.
Sometimes, he was so intense and insistent that Tasha listen to him, and remember everything he said, that it broke her heart. She couldn’t understand half of what he meant, much less remember it.
She wrote down all that she could remember of his words, so that she could ponder them in later times. Who knew what part made some kind of sense, and what part was purely delirium?
Gary’s mother read over all that Tasha wrote of Gary’s ramblings when she came to visit, but she could not make much sense of it, either.
“
Well,” Lydia sighed, tiredly. “I can make out a bit of it. Michael and Timothy were friends of his, in college. I think that Jeffrey and David were, as well. Steven and Blake, I do not know. Kelsey he has not seen since he was a child. Mason and Denise are friends he had, who went to be missionaries in South America. The tree house he talks about here was one that he had as a child, when we lived in California. The rest of it, honey, I can’t decipher. Perhaps if I sleep on it, more will come to me.”
Tasha smiled gratefully. “Thank you. I just want to understand … all that I can. It all seems so important to him! I just don’t know what is, and what isn’t real.”
Lydia smiled, and patted her shoulder. “I know. I really do understand. Just know that it’s much more important to him that you listen, than it is for you to understand it all. He’s living half in a dream world, and he can’t tell the difference anymore, darling. Don’t let it disturb you. You’re doing everything right for him, you know. I’m so proud of you.”
Leif came to visit his son, which made Gary and Tasha so glad. He was shocked to see the changes in Gary, and so sad. Tasha comforted him, and felt that watching their faith in this time of incredible hopelessness and adversity, really made an impact on Gary's father. Gary asked his father to promise him that he would read the Bible, and think about the possibility of giving his heart to God.
"Because I love you, Dad. I want to know you're safe in the arms of the Lord, and that I'll see you again, someday. I don't want any doubt about that!" Gary whispered plaintively. Leif couldn't help the tears running down his face.
Soon, it became clear that Gary had only a few days left, at most. He wasn’t eating anything at all, anymore. His liquid intake slowed to a standstill. He would stop breathing for thirty seconds or more, at a time.
He was a shell of the man he had once been. He looked as if his legs would not support his weight, even if he could get out of bed. He couldn’t form words that made any sense.
She sat beside him, all night. She held his hand. She dreaded the constant thought, the knowledge that soon, the touch of his hand would only be a memory. The idea that soon, she would not be able to just reach out and touch him whenever she wanted to, was so painful.
The idea that she could never again look into those deep, clear blue eyes and see her soul mate there, alive and knowing what she was feeling … was devastating! Already, she felt so very alone.
She tried not to, but she was slowly slipping into darkness as she watched Gary's life force ebb away.
As if aware of her thoughts, his eyes slowly opened. He looked up into her eyes, lucid and present; and knowing. He could see what was happening to her.
“
Do you know, Tasha Charles Taylor”, he whispered hoarsely. “One fine day, far from now, you and I … we’ll meet again. A new day
will
dawn.” He finished weakly, but he waited, seeming expectant, for her reply.
Dutifully, she smiled and squeezed his hand. She wasn’t sure what to say. She was tired, and felt numb. Her faith had evaporated along with her husband’s vitality and lucidity. She was nearly as much an empty shell, as he was.
Because he expected it of her, she replied. “I believe that. I’ll always look forward to it, my love.”
He nodded his satisfaction, and his eyes slid shut. His hand went limp and fell away.
The tissues inside his mouth dried out, and became coarse and painful for him. They swabbed his mouth with a wet sponge every few minutes. At first, he would weakly try to suck the water; but soon, he didn’t bother.