A Part of Me (19 page)

R
OHAN AND
M
EGAN
had been upstairs arguing for nearly twenty minutes. Carter had taken Lily down to throw bread to the brood of ducklings he’d discovered over on the far corner of the millpond, leaving John Harper and I conspicuously stuck for reasons to make ourselves scarce too.

‘Well, you’ll have to cope! How do you think everyone else manages it, Ro?’ I stopped readjusting the smaller pieces of lounge furniture and looked up to the galleried landing where all the shouting was coming from. Through the hall, I could see into the kitchen and John, also looking to the commotion above. We exchanged a brief look across the expanse of space between us. John pulled an expression of foreboding then carried on with his task. The lounge had only been a decoration job, but I’d found plenty to keep me busy tucked away in here while the first-floor battle raged on.

‘It’s not a place for a little girl, Meg! There’s the pond, and … power tools everywhere …’

‘You’re making excuses! We’ve been over this, now
I’m going to get her things and then I’m leaving, Rohan. You’ll just have to deal with it.’ A thick silence then Megan walked across the landing. They’d only gone up there to look at Lily’s room, then Rohan had lost the plot.

‘I’ll get her things!’ he snapped, overtaking Megan on the gallery. Megan looked down at me, where I was trying uselessly to look busy. I should have offered to hold a hammer or something for John in the kitchen, safety in numbers. Rohan stormed straight across the gallery, irately descending the stairs to where they would spit him out in the hallway. A few seconds later, he swept past the lounge doorway then the front door clattered shut behind him. I’d seen Rohan with Lily, it was obvious that he loved her company. And still, he was so against having her here.

Megan made it across the gallery to the stairs.

Alone again, I surveyed the lounge, wondering if there was anything best put up out of a three-year-old’s reach. This was definitely a room for grown-ups. The exposed brick feature wall was a perfect backdrop for the artefacts Rohan had collected on his travels. A set of vintage skis and an old garage sign hung proudly there amongst sepia-toned pictures documenting the lowly bicycle through time. There was nowhere to sit yet, but when the sofas arrived, the browns of the room – the brickwork and the oak floorboards and imposing timber mantel – would be more balanced by the softer masculine tones of deep blues and reds.

‘She doesn’t need as much as he thinks,’ said a honeyed voice, softly from the doorway. I left the ornamental telescope I’d been about to move out of Lily’s reach, and faced the woman smiling warmly towards me. She wore a gypsy skirt today, it caught the light like a jewelled veil. ‘Is he always so moody, these days?’ she asked, moving into the room, her hair a wild mane of blonde.

‘Ah, no, not really,’ I stammered, trying not to look awkward.

‘I bet you hardly see him, right? Always out on the bikes?’ she asked, meandering around the perimeter of the lounge. ‘I’m Meg, by the way.’

‘Amy.’ I nodded, trying not to check her out while she looked over the run of pictures hanging on the wall. I looked out through one of the front windows, willing Rohan to hurry up. I could just about see him around the edge of the mill wheel, still busy slamming the doors on Megan’s car. ‘Have you seen him? Riding, I mean?’ she asked, suddenly turning to me.

‘Ah, a little. I wasn’t really paying attention, though,’ I lied.

She laughed softly to herself. ‘There are a lot of people who would like to see him compete again. I don’t think he realises but he still has supporters, waiting for word of a comeback. Not that Ro was ever a people-person. It’s funny, throw a bike in the ring and I’ve never seen a guy with less fear’ she said, continuing around the room. ‘But
when it comes to people, he’s as scared as hell. Always was,’ she mused, running a finger along the skis.

‘He seems comfortable with your little girl,’ I said carefully.

She glanced at me and smiled. ‘I know, but until I turned up and pooped his party last week he hasn’t had to push himself outside his comfort zone.’ She frowned then. ‘You’re going to be around, for the next couple of weeks, right?’ she asked, moving across to the inglenook where I stood. She perched an elbow against the far end of the mantel, bangles falling down her arm. ‘Ro said you would be. He also said that you were nice, that Lily would like you, so I was wondering – if you don’t mind – could you just keep an eye on her for me? It would make me feel a lot better knowing there’s another woman around her?’

She’d caught me off guard. Rohan had said that I was …
nice
? Nice enough that the mother of his child had taken his word for it and was now asking me to play some tiny part in her well-being? My brain was already scrambling to understand where I might rank on Rohan’s
nice
ness barometer.

‘Er, sure?’ I shrugged, sweeping the hair off my face.

‘I know he won’t let anything catastrophic happen, but maybe you could just check that he’s not letting her eat bugs or go swimming with Carter or anything?’

She was smiling at me. I felt like the popular girl had just selected me for the school netball team. ‘I don’t think Carter can swim.’

‘Exactly. But just in case he forgets, or has an attack of confidence?’ Meg was even prettier when she smiled. Damn it.

Rohan barged back into the front of the mill, dropping two or three bags in the hallway just outside the lounge. He didn’t look at either of us before disappearing outside again.

Megan rolled her eyes. ‘He’ll calm down.’ I looked to the empty door after him, unconvinced. ‘This is what Ro does, trust me. He’s a commitment-phobe. Frightened to death of another person looking to him for the things
they
might need.’

‘Even his own daughter?’ I said bravely. It really wasn’t my business.

‘
Especially
his own daughter. Ro doesn’t realise but I’m doing him a favour here. He needs this. I know Ro, and how much he loves Lils, but she deserves to see him more often. They both do.’

The front door went again and Rohan ventured in with a few more things. ‘Is that the lot?’ he asked curtly.

Megan looked at the small mound of pink bags. ‘Did you get the bits out of the back as well?’

‘Yeah, it’s all out here,’ he said, resigning himself to the inevitable. Rohan leant against the door frame and suddenly I realised I was the spare part here. He looked at Megan, then briefly at me, and instantly I felt my cheeks redden.

‘Hey hey! We’ve found them!’ Carter boomed from the
direction of the kitchen, stalking into the doorway with Lily on his shoulder. Smiling, she leant down immediately, arms outstretched for her father.

‘Hello, baby girl!’ Megan cooed, going to them. ‘Did you find the ducklings with Uncle Isaac?’ Lily nodded, bashful when she saw me in the room with them. ‘Mummy’s going now, Lils. You’re going to have a nice time with Daddy.’ Rohan began rubbing Lily’s back, soothing over the dark blonde waves cascading down her little white vest. Lily didn’t look like she was the one who needed it.

‘I’ll see you, Amy,’ Megan called over her shoulder.

‘Let’s go wave Mummy off!’ Carter called jovially. He and Megan filed out into the hallway, Rohan following on. He turned and looked at me over Lily’s shoulder, waiting for Carter and Megan to clear the front of the hall. For the first time in a week, he almost smiled at me.

*

As soon as Megan had left, a new calmness fell over the mill. Or maybe it was just me. I’d already agreed with the tradesman that we were all to be off site by five each afternoon, so that Lily could enjoy a consistent bedtime routine. They hadn’t long gone, and I was just getting my things together, checking over John’s progress with the kitchen units, when Rohan brought Lily crying across the back yard.

Lily had cried herself pink, cheeks stained with grubby
tears and hair stuck like pondweed to her face. Rohan was cuddling her as they came in through the kitchen doors, reassuring her with soothing words, but Lily meant business. Rohan looked at me, worry stealing some of the tan from his face. ‘She fell over, didn’t you, baby?’ he said into her hair. He sat her on top of one of the appliances, still in its vacuum wrap. Both of Lily’s knees were scuffed enough to be spotting with blood. Rohan didn’t really seem sure of his next move once he’d got her to the mill and sat down. He looked flustered, scanning the half-finished kitchen for something of use.

‘First-aid box?’ I suggested. He shook his head. ‘Seriously, you lot don’t have a first-aid box here anywhere?’

‘Can you see us wearing plasters?’ he asked, eyes wide with hindsight. It was a fair point. Lily glanced over and saw the blood on her skin, kicking her distress up a notch. Rohan began flapping. ‘I don’t even have any tissue! Megan said there were plasters in the one of the bags. Where did I put the bags?’

‘I have a tissue,’ I said calmly, opening my handbag. Surplus from the killer cold James didn’t want to be infected with. Rohan looked at the newly installed industrial-grade tap over the sink.

‘Was this all plumbed in today?’ he said, rubbing Lily’s back so much that she was probably in danger of being knocked off the dishwasher. It wasn’t allaying her crying any.

‘Should have been,’ I said, pulling my phone from my
bag. I flicked through to the games folder, opening the paint app Samuel loved. ‘Lily? Would you like to play a game?’ I asked, offering her my phone. Lily wasn’t buying it from me, so I handed it to Rohan. ‘Daddy will show you.’ Rohan took my phone while I nipped over to rinse two of my pocket tissues under the water. I heard him start to find his way around the first level of the game. I took the tissues back over to where Lily wasn’t sure whether to carry on watching me suspiciously or her father shoot a virtual glitter gun.

‘I’ll do it,’ Rohan said, eyeing the tissues in my hands as if I was coming at his child with vinegar and sandpaper.

‘Do you want to be the bad guy?’ I asked.

I could see the answer in his face.

‘Look, Lils. There are cans of spray paint too.’

I bowed down in front of her to take a look. There was a bit of grime to sponge off, but nothing too drastic. I gently pressed the tissue to her little rounded knees. Rohan winced. Other than a small twitch, Lily hardly moved.

I had to admit, I was glad it had gone so smoothly. Rohan let out a breath, his face softening. ‘The distraction method. Oldie but goodie.’ I smiled.

Lily looked up at her father. There were still the remnants of crying in her voice. ‘My legs are sore now, Daddy.’

‘I know, baby,’ he said, wiping the hair from her streaked face.

I stood, folding up the pink-tinged tissues so Lily couldn’t see. ‘You are a very brave little girl, Lily. Now you’ve got knees like Daddy’s elbows.’ Lily looked up at him again and set to pulling at the neck of Rohan’s T-shirt.

‘My elbows aren’t down there, you loony, those are my shoulders. Here, look.’ Rohan pushed aside his sleeve so she could see.

Lily touched the large graze running angrily from Rohan’s forearm up over his elbow and grimaced. ‘Do you need a plaster, Daddy?’

‘Can I have one of yours?’

Lily nodded, turning her attention back to my phone. ‘Thanks, baby.’ He smiled, kissing her on the top of her head. ‘How did you know I’d trashed my elbows?’ he asked, cocking his head to one side. He looked more boyish again, now that he wasn’t flapping – that infectious smile breaking over his mouth.

‘Educated guess.’

My phone started buzzing in Lily’s hands. She held it up for Rohan to deal with. Rohan remained perfectly impassive as he turned the face around so I could see
JAMES
centre screen. I flicked it to silent and slipped it into my pocket. One fluid movement.

‘Right, Lily. I hope you have a nice night in your brand-new bedroom. And I hope you feel better in the morning,’ I said, tucking her hair behind her ear. Lily nodded, sinking herself into her dad’s ribs. ‘Can I do anything before I go?

‘No, thanks. We’re good.’ Rohan sighed.

‘Do you have everything to hand? In case of any more minor emergencies?’ I was swinging into practical mode. Force of habit.

‘I’m going to dig the plasters out now.’ He smiled. ‘They’re upstairs somewhere. In one of a hundred bags Meg brought.’

‘I could run up for you? It might be easier than you hunting around for them?’

‘No, thanks. I’ve got it. I need to sort through it all anyway.’

I didn’t pity him. I’d seen how
lightly
Lauren travelled with the boys’ things. Bags galore. ‘Do you want to check you have everything? Before I go? Kids come with a
lot
of baggage. Things get forgotten.’

‘Amy! Honestly, I can manage. If I need something, I’ll sort it myself!’ He was smiling, but his demeanour had changed. Almost imperceptibly, but I’d caught it. ‘Look, I know you’re just trying to help, but I’m not completely incompetent, okay? I can manage to look after my own daughter for a couple of weeks. If I need help, I’ll ask for it.’

I wasn’t sure where I’d overstepped the mark between helpful and offensive, but clearly I had.

‘Sorry,’ I said, bemused. ‘I didn’t mean to say the wrong thing. I just know it can be a bit of a handful sometimes.’

Rohan ruffed his hair, glancing up at the ceiling as if
asking to be given strength. It annoyed me. He wasn’t the one unfairly being made to feel awkward here.

‘Do you? I didn’t realise that you had children,’ he said. ‘I suppose Shin Splints is perfect father material, though.’ I felt my back bristle. Whatever winning opinion he might be about to impart, I wasn’t sticking around to hear it. I set the soggy tissues down by the sink and collected my things, giving Lily a smile goodbye. Then I left, leaving Rohan, and the awkwardness in the air, behind me.

I
DIDN’T KNOW
why I felt hurt. I’d seethed all the way back from Briddleton. All the way to Bonza Booze in Earleswicke, then I’d seethed all the way back to the city outskirts and the ‘home’ I shared with the other seethe-worthy one.

What was Bywater’s problem anyway? I mean, the guy ran so hot and cold all the sodding time, there was a serious danger of suffering some form of neural shock just from standing too close. Not that I’d be rushing to make that mistake. Again.

Incompetent?
I’d never said that. Or even suggested it. Why would I? He was rude, that’s what his problem was. Rude, and suffering the effects of one gargantuan chip on his shoulder. Well, no wonder Megan left him. She was fast becoming a kindred spirit. I might even take to wearing gypsy skirts as a show of solidarity.

I pulled sulkily into my driveway and snapped the keys over to shut the engine off. I got out of the car clumsily with my armful of cheap Chilean red, wondering if Rohan would have been as snippy with her. Of course
not. He probably wished every day that she would come back to him, forgive him for being such an obnoxious git.

But then why the reticence about Lily staying over? If he wanted globe-trotting, biker-chick, utterly-likeable Megan back? Who bloody knew what went on in that bloke’s head?

I slammed the door and stalked over the block paving, past the ridiculously over-shaped bushes in our ‘ornamental’ garden. I gave momentary consideration to seething about topiary, too.

James was still working in the study when I dumped my things on the white kitchen sofa. I could see him across the garden in the summer house we’d had converted to an office. I’d wanted to site the sandpit there, so little feet could run along the decking back to the house. James had insisted on a ‘sound buffer’, so the pit had been relegated to the far corner with the least sun. He’d won that one with some spiel on UV rays. I shook my head to myself. Suckered.

I put the two wine bottles onto the counter and eyed them over with as much reverence as if they were a pair of Ming vases. My invaluable friends for the evening. Phil had suggested Dutch courage – I was going with Chilean. Maybe she was right. Maybe my head wouldn’t be so full of distractions if that one piece of the broken pot could be jammed back into place. Brute force, and good glue. I looked across the back garden to James, the difficult
piece, lounging back in his desk chair, schmoozing. He’d clock off at 6 p.m. on the nose, giving me less than ten minutes to disappear upstairs for a bath and avoid him for a little while longer.

As I trudged back through the kitchen, it took everything I had not to take one of my Chilean friends up with me.

*

My skin had taken on the texture of a sundried tomato. I hadn’t planned on soaking so long but I’d been trying to think of a third reason to leave the sanctity of my airless bathroom, steam hanging heavy like a damp shroud. I was still doing my best when James invited himself in on a current of cool air holding reasons one and two.

‘Hey. I’ve been waiting for you to come home, I didn’t hear you get back.’ He stepped into the bathroom, chasing the heat away.

His eyes coasted over towards the water, his voice tightening a little as I edged lower beneath the bubbles. ‘Tell me which one of these you want to open and I’ll get us a glass. I have some news, baby. Really exciting news.’ James didn’t get excited about anything other than saving a quid or making one.

You’re nit-picking again
.

I took a deep breath, careful not to send my diaphragm too high above the waterline. ‘You pick. I’m not finished yet.’ I smiled, looking at my shrivelled toes.

‘I just got off the phone to Garnet’s.’ He grinned.

‘Garnet’s? The estate agents?’

‘Hurry up, and I’ll tell you all about it. I’ve a really good feeling about the next few months, Ame. Come down and we’ll crack open one of these.’

Garnet’s were marketing the Park Lane property. I waited for a pang of excitement, but it didn’t come.

‘Don’t be too long, baby. You’ve got goose bumps,’ he said, and left me to it.

The bathroom had cleared of any lingering warmth when I finally ventured across the landing’s soft sea of beige carpet to my room. Ever the clutter-freak, James had brought my things upstairs and had left them on the chair in the corner. I slumped down at my dressing table and stared at the mirror. Wet brown rat’s tails hung limply around my face, helping the blue of my eyes to look colder than usual.

What are you doing, Amy?

The girl staring back at me didn’t offer an answer.

I looked back at the hallway stretching ominously towards the stairs and the man waiting down there for me. My eyes hovered over the spare-room door, unopened for nearly a month. Like the sandpit, that little room had become another corner of our home consigned to the shade. Well, I wasn’t having it.

I marched out onto the landing and threw open the nursery door, the smell of contained paint immediate. This was a beautiful room – part of my house, not separate
to it – perfectly formed with just a few carefully chosen items to welcome a bewildered little soul into their forever home.

I shouldn’t have hung the bunting until everything had dried, or the hot air balloon from the ceiling, but I hadn’t been able to help myself. The carpet was brand new, woolly under my toes. I walked over it to the built-in wardrobes and reminded myself of the items I’d stocked up on in readiness. New blankets and towels with their kangaroo motif that Mum had swooned over. A few packs of Sam’s unused nappies in varying sizes that Lauren had suggested having to hand. The medicine box, stocked and ready on the shelf. And then there was that most conspicuous thing, the emptiness of the hanging rails, waiting for their stash of clothing in colours we couldn’t choose yet, and sizes we didn’t know.

Mum had bought a beautiful wooden windmill with battery-operated sails to sit on the dresser. I cast a last look over it before wedging the door stop at the base of the bedroom door, and left the room wide open behind me. It would stay wide open until the evening I pulled it to, so little eyes could rest peacefully after their first bedtime story.

My handbag was ringing when I walked back into my room, Mum checking my progress on rounding up more internet-savvy petitioners, no doubt. I found myself hoping for a diversion – anything to keep me from the lounge downstairs.

I slipped my phone from the inside pocket of my bag. I’d got rid of the caller id picture Phil had originally forwarded to me, but I still hadn’t changed
Hotbuns Bywater
.

I thought about ignoring it.

‘Hello?’

‘Amy? It’s … Rohan.’

We both already knew that I knew that.

‘Hi.’

‘I’m sorry to disturb you, but I’m kinda in a fix,’ he said reluctantly. The tone of his voice made me feel braver.

‘And you’re asking
me
for my help? Must be some fix.’ Silence at the other end. I wondered if he was rethinking the call. I didn’t want him to rethink the call. ‘Is Lily okay?’ I added.

He let out a breath. ‘She’s fine. Thanks. Amy, I’m sorry I was rude to you earlier, you didn’t deserve it. It was unfair of me. And … I’m sorry.’ Something of a pulse had begun jumping in my neck. A silence began to stretch between us.

‘Forget it. What’s the fix?’ I asked, moving over to the bedroom door, softly closing it to.

‘Nappies.’

‘Nappies? Lily doesn’t wear them, does she?’

‘Only at night, but … I don’t have any. If I do, I can’t find where Megan packed them.’

Megan didn’t strike me as a mum who would forget the nappies. ‘Did you check the bags?’

‘All of them. Meg said they were with the bedtime things and medicines but I can’t find any of those either. I think I must have left one of the bags in her car,’ he huffed. ‘Maybe I was supposed to go in the boot? I dunno …’

I started to smile at the thought of Rohan trying to fashion Lily a makeshift nappy in his workshop. ‘Well, couldn’t you just send Carter out for some?’ I suggested.

‘He’s not here tonight, he’s out on some secret date he wouldn’t go into.’

I risked a stupid question. ‘Can you not go and get them?’

Rohan huffed again quietly. ‘I can’t. It’s not just the bags I’m short. I forgot to get Lily’s car seat.’

‘She’s staying a fortnight and you forgot the car seat?’

‘Meg drove off with it in the back of her car! She didn’t notice either,’ he defended. ‘She’ll be in the departure lounge now,’ he added ruefully.

Ha! Meg hadn’t noticed that she was driving off with the
car seat
! Human after all!

‘Ah,’ I said unhelpfully. ‘I guess you are in a fix then. Would you like me to run over with some nappies?’

I could hear Lily playing in the background. Rohan was thinking over his options, I could tell. ‘I don’t mean to inconvenience you. I know you’re probably tucked up for the evening, but I didn’t know who else to ask.’

It was only half seven, and he couldn’t be further from the truth. ‘It’s fine, honestly. I’ll be there in half an hour.’

He sighed again. ‘Thank you, Amy.’

‘No worries. I’ll see you guys shortly. Bye.’

I clicked off the call. The girl in the mirror across from me looked less cool now, eyes warmer with purpose. I ran a brush through my hair and tied it back, slipping into a pair of jeans and a loose jumper. I didn’t need to bother with the supermarket, thanks to Lauren’s over-zealous nesting instincts before Harry was born, I already had a mini selection of toiletries and nappies. I moved back into the nursery and began cherry-picking a selection of nappies in various sizes. An unopened bottle of lavender bubble bath, talcum powder, a bottle of Calpol. I stopped myself mid-scramble. Rohan might freak out again if he thought I’d gone on a girly spree for them. Might feel beholden to me and get his knickers in a twist over it. I left the powder and bubbles, but the Calpol was a must. The elixir for everything, Lauren had claimed.

*

James had already started on the red when I got downstairs. ‘Why have you got your shoes on, are you going out?’ he asked. ‘Are those
nappies
?’

I hadn’t intended on misleading him, but once Rohan’s name found its way onto my tongue, it felt like a bad move to speak it. ‘My brother’s just having a crisis,’ I bumbled. ‘I won’t be long.’ I smiled apologetically. ‘Save me a glass.’