He hasn’t built in robes, so he has a rustic looking, very solid free standing wardrobe. He has one bedside set of draws that doubles as a table, and
an entertainment unit opposite the bottom of his bed, with a large flat screen television, a stereo underneath, his Xbox360, and a surround sound system. I look back up and locate the little speakers dotted around the room up on brackets near the junction of the walls and ceiling. I didn’t notice them before because of the posters on the walls.
“Shut the door man!” he asks, and I turn to shut the door
; noticing as I look up, the tortured look on Jade’s face.
Not my problem... she ran off from me... she now knows I’m still around and how to find me! It’s all up to her now!
“So, do you recognise Jade?” Silas asks me, as he rifles through his messy bed. It’s the only mess around, but I guess that since he has a basket of unfolded clothes on his bed, which he just dumps on the floor, that he’s not exactly the neat freak... I’ve just caught him on a good day. He finds his headphones in the messy blanket.
“She’s very familiar Silas
, but she’s not my Jade!” I say to stem any further questions.
“Pity... she’s so lonely
, she could use a nice guy!” he states.
“She doesn’t look like she’s encouraging anyone at the moment
; she’s in SpongeBob SquarePants pyjamas and drinking alone on a Friday night!” I say carefully; I don’t want Silas to get on the offensive, but he’s way more laid back than I expect regarding his sister.
“That’
s because of me. She used to be the life of the party... she was a lot of fun! I mean, don’t get me wrong, she and I have fun. She’s still got it. But she stopped her life and put everything on hold to take care of a very fucked up 12 year old! I’d be dead if it weren’t for her.” he states frankly. “I wouldn’t wish being bipolar on anyone, but I definitely wouldn’t wish being in Jade’s position on anyone either... she’s been fucked over royally! I keep telling her to give up on me, but she never does.” he sighs.
I can tell he loves her very much
. I can also tell he regrets being him... that he regrets the things he’s done that cause her to have to care for him so much!
“You’re pretty cool
; I wouldn’t say you’re all that bad.” I say to lighten the mood.
“Hah! You wait t
ill you see me when I’m sick, then you’ll understand! I wasn’t always controlled with medication. Jade had to nurse me through the raw shit, the years of misdiagnosis, and the years of trying to get someone to listen. Even the treatment took ages to get right!” he reasons... getting into an online game so I can have a go of the headphones and mike.
“You seem so regular... cool and focussed to me.” I say, and then I think of when he’s fighting
. “Except when you’re focussed on an opponent; then you look fierce and dangerous, but then you need that in this sport.” I say.
“Man
, I’ll be honest with you; and I hope you’re strong enough to take me seriously and not ignore me later.” He says, looking at me with all seriousness.
“Go for it
, tell me!” I respond, taking the headphones out of his hand as he hands them over.
“I have
a voice, in my head, that is real... to me! And when I’m all kinds of fucked up; like I forget my meds, or I’m not sleeping well, or I’m on an emotional ride, I start not being able to block out that voice and I start arguing with them and going completely whacked! I become dangerous and violent. And they shut me up in the mental ward until I come down. It can take weeks for me to get out of there. Next time it happens, I’ll lose my job!” he says in all seriousness. He’s intense right now. I totally believe him.
I’m not really taking notice of the game, and I’ll buy the headphones
; I only really came here to check out if his Jade was my Jade; which she is!
“Isn’t hearing voices Schizophrenic or something?” I ask
,
I mean isn’t it?
“Yeah, it can be
; but with people that are Schizo, the voices come from outside their heads; like the television or the radio, and the voices talk to them from those sources, and because they can hear them from outside their head; they think everyone else can hear them too! With my kind of auditory hallucination, the voices are inside my head! So, I know they come from inside, and most of the time I can reason them away and ignore them. But when I can’t, I get mega confused, things go to shit!” he says, shrugging.
“Okay
, but isn’t bipolar like... manic depression or something, so you go up and down?” I ask.
“It used to be called manic depression
, but it’s called bipolar now. My mania, or my up time is categorised by risky behaviour, or me thinking I’m invincible; like I could jump off a building and not get hurt, or that I can do things that are impossibly dangerous and come out the other side unscathed, but I also carry a tremendous rage when I’m like that; so I’m like, extremely pissed off!” he explains using his hands for emphasis.
I can only imagine what he’d be like in those times
, and fucking scary doesn’t quite seem to cut it!
“When I’m depressed, or down... I try to hurt myself. I
’ve tried to kill myself; I’ve pleaded with Jade to kill me. I think obsessively about ways to hurt myself. It’s pretty fucked up.” he reasons.
I’m perplexed
, “So Jade has been beside you through all this?” I ask.
“Yep... she wanted me after our parents died, even when our grandparents gave me up to DOCs. She did everything she could to get me. I didn’t realise what she’
d done till we did some family therapy as a part of my last admission. But, I do now... and I wish she had someone to make her happy, I just make her life hard!” he explains, examining his influence on his sister objectively.
“I don’t think she’d do it if she didn’t want to.” I say.
“That’s why I wish she’d take the time to find herself a guy.” he smiles. “I’ve got a girl, and it makes a fucking huge difference!” he states.
“She’s got to find the right person all on her own
, you can’t force that shit.” I argue.
“True! So, are you about ready to jump ship
and bail on me?” he asks me. It’s kind of a joking thing to say, but his eyes are completely serious.
I’m not going to fuck him around, I’ll be absolutely truthful, “I’m not going to jump ship Silas... but I can’t even begin to pretend I know what that means. I’m here
, I’m happy to be here, and I’ll do my very best to stay, even if you fuck up! But I have to say, I don’t have a clue what that means, or what I’m setting myself up for.” I answer.
He nods
, and then he says, “That’s cool and it’s better than almost everyone I know, with the exception of Jade and Shae.”
We talk Xbox games for another half an hour and then I need to go!
“Silas, I’ve really got to go, but do you have a pen and a bit of paper? I just need to jot something down to remind me of something later.
“Sure!” he says
, leaning over to his top draw and pulling both out.
I quickly write down my Mum’s name and number, and
a quick one word sentence:
She really likes you, and you broke her heart when you ran away.
I tear the piece off for myself and hand the rest all back to Silas.
Jade.
The very last thing on earth I could imagine
tonight was Ben walking through my front door; and then to work out he’s been friends with Silas for months...
shit!
The other thing... and it stung
, was that he totally acted like he’d never met me!
He was cold
except for his very warm hands; and considering it is mid July, his hands should be frozen; yet despite the physical warmth... he really, really was cold toward me, and he didn’t want to know that I was even alive; which is funny, because I’m not alive; I barely exist.
Before Ben kissed me, I was able to delude myself into thinking that I was better than his sideways compliments, his filthy remarks and my offensive replies; but the moment his lips met mine... it became abundantly clear that I loved it... I loved it all, the banter
especially; but... the sexy come hither looks, his protective stance around other guys, his smartarse mouth... his smartarse mouth that was so warm and insistent.
FUCK!
I’m so angry and sad and angry... it’s his fault that I fell for him; it’s his fault that my body is teetering on the edge of going to Silas’ room and dragging him out of there and into mine, I feel like I’m in some nightmare of unfulfilled wet dreams. Some God damned entity has picked me up and delivered me to hell, because this is surely that place.
I’ve now been sitting here for about forty minutes completely frozen
and melted to the spot at the same time, or perhaps I melted first and then froze to the spot in my newly altered state, after he moved on through my house. The only changes are that now, my heart rate isn’t quite so high; but my stomach feels like it’s in a twisted and painful spasm... the stomach that alternates position from my diaphragm to my knees. I feel like my insides are eating me. I know that Ben is in Silas’ room; I know that I should apologise to him and fix this pain, sadness and anger... but I can’t move; I’m frozen.
So when they emerge laughing and talking about Xbox bullcrap, I’m still not able to move.
“Jade, Ben’s off, and I’m going to head to bed!” Silas chimes.
Ben reaches forward with his hand as before, to shake mine. I know my face is all shock, and my mouth is
now unattractively open... but I kind of can’t do anything about it, because my brain is not able to comprehend anything properly at the moment. At least my breathing is still maintaining me.
I reach up to shake his
proffered hand... mine is already shaking.
“It was nice to meet you
, I’ll see you around!” he says, shaking my hand and pressing a piece of paper into it, before moving toward the door and leaving. Silas follows him out.
I look at the paper
, and finally I really can’t breathe... anymore!
Jade.
I grew some balls and finally asked Silas if Ben said anything about me the other night.
“Why?” Silas ask
s. Rinsing the glass he just had a drink out of, and placing it upside down on the drainer.
“He’s familiar.” I reason.
“That would be because he’s on the television fighting UFC; you don’t watch that stuff much, but I do, and he’s on there sometimes. He’s good!” he explains.
“Oh
, okay!” I reply and go to push off the kitchen bench. This is another thing I don’t know about Ben... I knew he did some Karate mumbo-jumbo, but I had no idea what his job was... that it was as a professional fighter.
“He said you were familiar, but you’re not his Jade!” Silas repeats
Ben.
“Oh!” my voice cracks, so I resort to nodding and walking away to my room.
The next night
, Monday, I ask Silas if Ben knows about his bipolar.
“Yep
, everything! I told him everything, and he just took it all on board. Anyway, I’ve got to go, otherwise I’ll be late.” He says looking at the clock and grabbing his helmet.
“Okay, be safe... I’ll see you tomorrow!” I say, giving him a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“See ya!” he chimes and walks out the door.
I go to bed and cry myself to sleep!
For years I wanted someone who didn’t run the other way when they found out I was charged with caring for my brother, and he had issues of the mental variety. And here’s Ben and he doesn’t want to run from Silas, he wants to run from me.
Actually, that’s not fair! I did the running
, it was all me!
I’m on an evening shift on Tuesday, so I take the risk and go to Paul’s gym to do a work out in the morning.
Paul is exactly the same as usual.
“Hey stranger!” he chimes.
“Hi Paul,” I start as I begin my jog. “It’s good to be back
, I’ll come on the mornings I have afternoon shifts, otherwise I’ll be swimming.” I explain.
“He’s miserable
; I don’t know what happened between you two, but he still comes in the afternoons, so maybe that’s best.” He explains.
“It’s not about Ben,” I lie
, “I just needed some change to my routine.”
“Well you’re looking good!” he says smiling.
I smile and think about this situation I’ve surrendered myself to.
It was just a kiss wasn’t it? I mean, it was a kiss that made every other kiss I ever had amateur... but still, it’s not like we did the deed and sealed the deal with sex.
And then I compare the kiss to every sexual encounter I’ve ever had, and I realise that I’m totally deluding myself. Because if I think for one moment that sharing my soul with someone, and connecting with their soul is comparable to having a fuck with a complete stranger, a friend or an uncommitted love rat... I’m the one with reality issues.