“You told me to tell the truth... I’m telling you the fucking truth!” he screams; throwing a punch at the navy blue bag slung up over a beam under the awning.
“
What about those innocent people Silas... you stick up for so many of them, but you’d then turn around and kill them in such bloodthirsty circumstances?” I reason.
Most of the time I don’t believe him when he goes off
, but sometimes I’m a bit scared.
“They’d be better off dead! I wish I was fucking dead!” he says, and then suddenly, he’s crying
, great big heart wrenching sobs.
“Silas...” I softly croon
; going to him and holding him in my arms.
He’s only an inch or so shorter than me now
, but he’s all muscle. He’s a 15 year old, powerfully built machine. I’ve been thinking that it wasn’t perhaps the best idea to show a mentally unstable teenager how to fight; he’s excelling in his classes, Muay Thai and boxing!
“Silas...”
I croon again.
“Please Jade... I wish you knew how I feel inside... I’m so torn, I’m always so torn and I need to get away from myself.” He argues. His tears are huge, falling down his
face; and his whole body is moving with his sobs.
“What do you want me to do?” I whine
. I don’t know what to do, he’s always so hard to figure out; so prone to anger and outbursts.
“I’m a coward... but I
want
to die!” He says pleadingly stressing the ‘want.’ “Please kill me Jade... when I’m asleep tonight... come in and stab me... straight through my heart... please!” He begs me.
“No!” I answer in shocked alarm. I can’t believe this
; he’s serious, he seriously thinks it’s a good idea to ask me to kill him and put him out of his misery.
“Please Jade... I won’t struggle... just wait till I’m asleep.” He bargains.
“No Silas... I would never do that for you!” I argue in shock.
“Fuck! Fuck it all to hell!”
He screams as he collapses to the concrete.
Nobody told me about the difficulty of raising teenage boys; but even had they done so, I’m sure it would still be easier to raise an average teenage boy over Silas. Inside, deep in my gut... and behind my rib cage... and down to my toes... my soul is shattering. I’m so fractured and broken, I don’t know the old Jade anymore; she’s floating on one of those pieces of fractured soul in the miasma that is barely focusing me together.
I continue to pretend to everyone that everything is okay
; that I am okay! In reality, I’m just not here. I’m in the ‘somewhere,’ wherever that is; waiting for my opportunity to break free... trapped in a torment that is never ending... but I’m not here!
Silas’ pain is my pain...
My pain is my pain...
All loss is my loss...
I don’t begin or end. I’m a desolate husk of a fractured being that has no idea how to heal, because nobody wants to save me. Not even Silas; because he’s struggling too much with the demons that desperately cling to his soul. And because I define myself within his struggle to be free of them, I am a slave to the drama; a slave to the feeling of helplessness that engulfs me every time Silas struggles to keep his feet walking one step at a time. I wanted so much to be my own person, free and unencumbered, it will never be like that again! I hate that Jade now... she’s an accomplishment I’ll never know; she left me behind in this chaos... I hate her... I hate me!
***
“Miss Tayte?” Silas’ doctor indicates that I can enter now.
Silas remains with his head in his hands, seated next to Doctor Ingal’s desk; and he appears completely destroyed.
“I’m increasing the dose of Sertraline for him, and I think we can get rid of the Dex Amphetamines, since they don’t appear to be working anyway; I think it’s questionable that he ever had ADHD. I’d like to see him having 50mg of Phenergan every night to assist him to sleep; and I’d like to see him for a review in a fortnight’s time.
I need help with Silas
, and of course that help seems to always consist of taking more pills that don’t solve the problem.
Help is never packaged the way you need it.
I need a holiday... I need to know that another Jade can walk in and take my spot and do things the way that Silas needs them to be done. And then I need to take off for a month and get my shit together; have time to scream and kick and hit... to tell the cosmos that I fucking hate it! That should take about five days. And after that, I’ll need the rest of the month to glue myself back together... puzzle piece by puzzle piece.
Nobody even offers me any real kind of help. Nobody tells me I’m doing a good job; and nobody lets me know if it’s all going to be okay; or even warn me about the dilemma that is looming around the corner!
So we’re back to pretending. I’m back to crying in the dark and being everything I can for Silas in the day, because it’s the only way I can define myself at all; by building him up and giving him a reason to live and grow.
It’s official... my life sux... a whole lot!
...January…
“God... I’m so proud of you!” I squeal, as I wrap Silas in my arms and squeeze... “First day at work!” I enthuse.
“Get off me you freak.” He says half heartedly but with a genuine smile.
“No more school!” I enthuse.
“Thank fuck!” Silas swears, and pushes my head away from him.
“Hands off the head and face dickhead!” I snap good naturedly.
“I’m the dickhead?” he laughs.
“Yes... I don’t even have access to a dick!” I reason.
“Too much information!” he groans.
“Whatever! Have you got your lunch packed?” I ask him, as he goes to place his backpack on.
And as for the dick comment... I’ve had it with guys. I’ve not made it easy, sure; but I have put myself out there... I have been on dating sites, and I get on really well with them, until I talk about my brother and explain I’m his carer, and just tentatively warn them about his aggressive behaviours. Then they back right the fuck off! I’m pretty sick of the male population, they’re all arseholes...
NO
exception; that includes present company! As for his lunch, he’ll be hungry if he hasn’t got something in there.
“I thought you did that for me!” he says, but then smiles.
“Go get on your bike!” I say, giving him a playful kick in the arse.
He salutes me, and heads for the door with his helmet.
The best thing about being 16 years old and on your learners for a bike is that you can ride without supervision; after you’ve done the mandatory classes for the RTAs purposes.
He’s riding my old 250, since I’ve upgraded to a 650, as
a graduation present... to me! Before I bought it, we’d share my bike; so he’s pretty happy he doesn’t have to ask my permission to go anywhere.
I nearly died when he was offered the job as a Sheetmetal Fabricat
ion Apprentice. It’s a four year apprenticeship, and he’ll be at work four days and at Tech for one. It’s so good, I can hardly breathe.
Even better is the fact that I
have secured a graduate position with a major teaching hospital. I’ll begin working in March as a Registered Nurse.
This should mean that both Silas and I are on the rise
; both working, and earning money... we should be able to move into something a little nicer soon.
...June…
“Hello?” I answer the phone groggily
, looking at the clock. I did a night shift and only got home three hours ago... I am in dream land.
“Jade? Is that you?” Brian, Silas’ boss says frantically down the phone.
“Yes Brian, you woke me, I just did a night shift.” I explain.
“Shit... Jade, I need you to come and get Silas... now! He’s gone nuts... We’re scared, and if you can’t come down here, I’ll call the cops.” He explains.
“Shit... I’m coming!” I say frantically, before hanging up, jumping out of bed and pulling off my pyjamas and pulling on jeans. I just put a jumper on over my pyjama top, and I grab my boots, pulling them on without socks, and then throw my helmet on... I’m now flying out the door.
***
“Quieten down Silas.” I shout at him. He’s in a corner of the workshop, a wild look in his eyes and a hammer in his hand. He’s screaming out intermittently that he’s
‘not like that...’
and he
‘won’t do that!’
He’s super scary and I decide he’s too much for me.
“I’m so sorry Brian... but we need to call an ambulance.” I explain. I don’t want the cops involved
, the ambulance can do the same thing; they can come and get him and take him to get observed.
I’m crying
. Brian is dialling on the portable phone, and Silas is warning everyone away. I’m walking toward Silas now, and crooning to him to come to me. It’s heartbreaking that this has happened in front of all these big burly men. He reminds me of a cornered dog; scared as all hell, but baring his teeth in a standoff. He throws the hammer hard at the wall and begins to run to the side of me, laughing in a high pitched giggle. He ducks out of the workshop; he’s climbing a ladder towards the roof.
I run after him and grab his legs. He kind of kicks but I’ve got my arms around both legs and I’m holding on for dear life.
“Jade... no Jade... your stopping me from jumping!” he reasons gleefully.
I look to the roof and then back down. “You’ll die if you jump Silas... you can’t jump!” I plead.
“No.... don’t be stupid! I know parkour! I’ll be okay... you’ll see!” he reasons.
“No you don’t! You know Muay Thai and boxing... and swimming! Now please... get down!” I cry.
“Jade... Jade... you don’t understand... I do know how to jump... I’ll roll at the end, and you’ll see I can do it!” he says in softer tones.
“Please Silas... show me another day... not today... I’m tired because I just got off of work!” I reason.
“But I need to do it now... Logan says it needs to be now!” he shouts.
“Who’s Logan?” I cry
; I can hear the ambulance’s sirens in the background. Wow, that was quick, they must’ve been in the area! I just have to hold on, but it’s only a matter of time before he doesn’t want to be nice to me, and forces his hand. He’s way more skilled and far stronger than me, and when he decides I’m not his friend, he’ll tear me to pieces.
“Please Silas... I love you!”
***
“H
i Gary!” I cheer to one of the mental health nurses I have become familiar with. I’ve just knocked off of my morning shift, and I’ve gone in to the unit to see Silas. The juvenile unit isn’t as stark as some hospital settings, but I’m not allowed in Silas’ room with him; so I have to wait in the dining room for him. He’s been here for two weeks, and he’s almost completely come back down to his normal again.
“Hello Jade... I’ll go and get him for you.” He smiles.
“Thanks.” I reply; a massive smile plastered across my face.
It’s official.
.. Silas is bipolar. His auditory hallucinations (Logan) and extreme manic episode, which was apparently on the cards, since he’s on an antidepressant only; and he was apparently acting a little strangely leading up to the psychosis, including not sleeping for three days straight. I didn’t notice because I had five days straight nightshift. All this has sealed the deal, and now means that he’s on another pill.
Risperidone is the order for the day
, but I’m not convinced yet. However, he’s responding slowly. They’re still giving him Sertraline and Phenergan.
I am using the whole drug thing to ‘guarantee’ him his job. It’s taken some convincing, but his boss will take him back, as long as he stays on his meds. But it’s a
onetime deal only. What happened can never happen again; safety is key in a workplace like that.
“Hey there gorgeous!” I say as he walks in and comes to me to wrap me in a bone crushing hug. He says the same thing he’s said to me all week when I visit.
“I’m so sorry, Jade!”
and he pulls me in so tight, so completely. “I’m so sorry I did this to you!”
“Okay... it’s okay... we’ll get through it Silas!” I promise.
“I love you!” he says.
“I love you too... look... I bought Scrabble with me, so we can play.” I enthuse. He loves Scrabble
; he likes to make the swear words, but sometimes he comes up with genuine gold! He’s smarter than he’ll have people believe.
We settle
in for an afternoon of Scrabble, and I assist him to get through his paranoia about his workmates. He’s going back, but he’s worried they’ll be talking about him and saying bad things about him behind his back. I comfort him and explain that they won’t; that his boss is worried about him and that everyone wants him to return.