My parents died coming to collect me for the holidays
, only a few months ago. Of course in everybody’s eyes, I’ve done nothing since. Unless you include going home and packing up our house around attending my Mum and Dad’s funeral; putting everything in storage and helping my grandparents, who I no longer speak to because of the Silas incident, place the house on the market. I also found a pig hole to live in, spent my savings getting shitty furniture, because there was no way I was using my parents stuff, or my stuff in that fucked up place, only to get infested. And I’ve worked every shift I could wrangle out of Warren. I haven’t had a day off since Silas left the hospital.
Nobody cares... nobody cares that I’m in pain and doing my best here. I need my girlfriends, they’ll be back mid February. I miss them!
And then it dawns on me that I won’t be returning to uni this year. There’ll be no more freedom, and no parties. One more year to go, but I’ll need to defer to be able to afford this; to get my brother back.
“Okay... I’ll take it.” I croak
, amidst the spluttering cries of an offended
Rosa
... or whatever. I haven’t even looked inside!
***
“That’s the last of it sunshine!” Warren, my boss, shouts over at me. I don’t know why he’s shouting; we’re only two metres away from each other.
“Thanks Warren... can I make it up to you
in some way?” I ask, cringing, because even though he’s never been particularly sleazy, I don’t want him to start now by asking me to get on my knees and suck him off. But right now I’m struggling to trust older adults.
“You know what? Yeah you can!” he says, grinning.
Fuck!
I scream in my head. He’s seriously going to go there.
“You can take on three mornings this week to clean the bar... you’ll need to be there at 6:00am. It won’t be paid
though, and you’ll still have your own shifts to do. Clarence has some time up his sleeve for a paid break; and he’s not getting any younger, so I’ll give him a few days off.” He explains.
I’m breathing deeply and agree to his proposal, since he’s just helped me move loads of stuff out of storage 350 kilometres away, to my new place
; and he’s promised me every weekday shift and any big event on the weekends for the foreseeable future; and he didn’t ask me to suck his cock!
***
“So what do you think?” I ask Silas as he’s staring at his room. It’s full of his old stuff, but it isn’t his old room. The size is smaller, about three quarters of the size; and he’s still in shock at the fact that he’s not returning to Armidale, where all his mates are.
“Whatever... just show me to the Xbox.” He says unenthusiastically, turning on his crutches carefully and proceeding to walk gingerly through his door and past me.
I know he’s been through a lot, and he’s about to start high school only months after having an accident that nearly killed him, and in all truth, I’d like him to be taking time off and lounging around, so I set him up in front of the Xbox.
I’m ignoring the burning feeling of his disappointment that is eating a hole through my chest. I’ve worked hard to get him here. He doesn’t know that, and I don’t want to burden him with the knowledge. He’s had enough to deal with.
But it still hurts and my chest still burns with the fact that I need to release tears.
Silas i
s like me in many ways, but he doesn’t look like me. He has my green eyes, which we both get from our father, but he has brownish, rusty coloured hair. His face and what will undoubtedly be his build, is all Dad. I look like my Aunt Sharla, my Dad’s sister, who we don’t see anymore because she’s a bit psycho. In fact his parents are both a bit weird, and we don’t have anything to do with them. He never liked us having anything to do with them.
But Silas and I share the same sense of sarcastic
humour; the easy banter that is all Mum’s quirkiness and then there’s our athletics.
I am a state athlete for high jump
; yeah I know, why aren’t I at the Institute of Sport? Why aren’t I aiming for higher? Probably because I haven’t got the drive to make it my life... and the coach I would’ve been attached to was a total dick!
Silas is all swimming
; he was zone... district... state... definitely had the ability to go further. This is a bit of a kick in the gut; now he’ll never be as good as he would’ve been; despite the fact that the orthopaedic surgeon has told me he’ll resume all normal functioning after a time
***
I’m lying in the darkness, listening to the last call I got from my mother; the one I missed that night I was with Graeme, and then Tim.
I’m such a slut!
“Honey, we’ll be leaving early in the morning
; Silas is coming with us, because Gran is feeling a bit tired today. We’ll be reaching campus around 10. I love you sweetie... I miss you! See you tomorrow.” She says before hanging up.
My heart crashes through the back of my chest, and the cavity that is my stomach churns with distress.
“I... m-m-miss... you... too!” I whisper into the darkness; choking on my tears and drowning in my despair.
I’m getting better at pretending in the daylight... around everyone else. I hold it together pretty well, but at night when the darkness
surrounds me, when I’m in bed and the gravity of the situation is closing in and engulfing me like black tar; sucking the oxygen out of my body and leaving me gasping for breath... I struggle!
***
“Aaargh!” Silas’ blood curdling screams tear through to my room... it’s the middle of the God damn night.
I’m out of bed and running before my mind even registers what my body is instinctually doing.
I’m jumping on his bed and throwing my arms around him.
“Why couldn’t you let me die too?”
He cries, “I’m not here! I’m not... I can’t... please kill me!” He pleads painfully.
“I love you! I love you, and I can’t imagine life without you too!” I cry.
He’s crying too, and holding me fiercely.
“Why couldn’t you just let me die?” he croaks, his body shuddering.
“Because I can’t and I won’t!” I explain.
...March...
“I fucking hate you!” Silas screams and slams the door in my face.
“Well I love you!” I scream right back.
“No you fucking don’t... you wish I would’ve died... I wish I would’ve died... I fucking hate this place!” he shouts through his door.
“No... I don’t hate you Silas... you’re wrong!” I reply loudly.
He
viciously pulls the door open and looks up at me, “No you don’t! You hate me... don’t lie!” He screams up at me.
“I promise you, I don’t hate you!” I say to his face, “I love you!” I repeat, as once again he slams the door in my face.
“Fucking liar! You’re a fucking liar and I just want to kill myself!” he shouts.
I walk back to the lounge area, where the fight started... cleaning up as I go.
“I do love you,” I mutter quietly; “But I despise you too!” I admit to myself.
The television is off, because I turned it off and told Silas it was time for bed. This is the reason for him going ape-shit with me. After pointing out I am not his mother, and
then me pointing back that I’m still in charge; the whole night went to shit.
I really hadn’t expected it to be so hard
to do this. But we’re family, and blood’s blood. I’m exhausted, run down and bewildered. I’m about to turn 20 and I feel like I’m 40 instead. This bullshit is my life now... eggshells cover every surface I navigate at home. At least he goes to school every day! And I get to deal with Joe public in the bar I work in, which is actually a good distraction to my personal hell that is in fact my reality.
Rachel, Sandy and Gwen sometimes stop by, but Silas is a bit too much to handle when they’re there. He acts all tough and rude. So they tend to just pop over to my work when they can, and sit at the bar while I work. They regale me of all the gossip and it gives me both entertainment and heartburn.
I admit to feeling an intense amount of jealousy regarding the differences in our lives.
I’m up early doing laundry, vacuuming and cleaning my house. I’m also making lunches, dinner and trying to keep a volatile young man in line.
They’re studying things I find interesting, going out and partying... and getting laid!
I fucking hope this is all worth it in the end!
...July
...
“I’m cold; can I climb in with you?” Silas asks from
my bedroom door.
“Okay, bring your quilt in too.” I say. It is cold, and we’ve been putting off using the heating because of the expense.
Silas comes back in dragging his quilt. He’s piloting his way through the house now without any crutches, and although he’s not running around, he’s doing really well. His physiotherapist has had him swimming laps to build up his strength, and he loves the return to the pool; I wasn’t enjoying the expense of taking him every day, so I bought us season tickets, and now I swim too, every day after work.
Silas settles himself in and turns to give me one of his bone crushing hugs.
“I love you Jade.” He says.
“I love you too, Silas.” I reply
; it’s moments like these that make this bullshit worthwhile.
...August...
“Happy Birthday! You’re officially a teenager!” I enthuse, jumping on Silas’ bed and giving him a big hug by lying on top of him.
I’ve let him sleep in; it’s mid morning already, and it’s August 17, and Silas is turning 13. It’s a school day, but I’m taking the day off to take him out.
“What’s happy about it?” he murmurs. It’s one of those moments, when you’re caught in between being super happy and incredibly miserable. I’m happy that he’s having a birthday
; but it’s the first birthday where Mum isn’t baking a cake for him... when Dad isn’t taking him fishing in the freezing Armidale conditions... when I’ve had to give him less than what he’d normally have because I just can’t afford the things that my parents could.
The inheritance is pretty substantial. The house is sold and my parents had some decent savings
and life insurance; but unfortunately for us, it said in their Wills that although the money is split equally after their assets are liquidated (bar the furniture and contents of course); we are not allowed to access it till we are 25. So the money sits in trust gathering interest, while I work my arse off to give Silas whatever I can.
I’m sure my parents couldn’t foresee what this would mean, because they wouldn’t have thought they’d die before we were well into adulthood,
but the inconvenience of it is debilitating. I guess they thought that until we were 25, we might waste our inheritance. I just wish they could’ve reasoned that their parents wouldn’t take over our care, and see that I was responsible enough to do the right thing.
“Well, I’m going to take you to lunch, and then we’ll go and do anything you want! Do you want to go to Sydney and see a movie at the IMAX? Tomorrow’s Saturday
; so we can stay out as long as you want!” I reason.
He shrugs noncommittally
; I take it as a yes, and I’m glad that at least he isn’t shouting at me and pushing me away like he frequently does. It makes the prospects for today as it stands... possibly good!
...December...
I
’ve decided to forgive my grandparents, and because of this, they’ve taken the hint and acquiesced to take Silas for ten days over my busiest work period for the year; he’ll be gone during the Christmas and New Year season. I travelled with him up on the XPT train service to Armidale, and now I’m returning home so I can get back to work. The ride back is boring, and I’m sitting next to some smelly homeless looking dude who is determined to strike up freaky conversation. I try hard to keep up and remain friendly, but by the time I get back into Broadmeadow station, I’m desperate for fresh air and no conversation!
***
It’s Christmas Eve and I’m at work. The bar is absolutely pumping, and I’ve enjoyed the last two days of living alone. Today I finally settled into a Jade only routine, and I’m significantly grateful for having forgiven my grandparents. I’m even considering taking someone home so I can get some of my frustrated angst out.
Rachel and Sandy have finished their degrees, and they’re here to party; staying at my house tonight and going home tomorrow for their families’ Christmases. I could’ve joined either one of them... I was invited; but I’m working. I need every shift during this season, to get ahead of my bills. I’m returning to uni next year to do part-time, one subject a semester. It will take me three years to complete my final year
, but it will mean I can continue to look after Silas and drop maybe only one shift a week.