“Hey, Mr. Study Abroad,” I smiled at Christian, paddling to stay afloat. He was wearing his bathing suit, a towel draped over one shoulder. He’d grown leaner while at school and his skin had cleared up. Before long, my dear, awkward friend would have great success with the opposite sex. “When did you get back?”
“About fifteen minutes ago.”
“And how was London?” I pulled myself out of the water onto the pool’s edge and patted the spot next to me. “Tell me everything.”
He sat on the cement, shifting his weight back and forth uncomfortably, leaving nearly two feet between us.
“So…?” I asked again, pretending not to notice. “Spill! How was Harrod’s? Tower of London? British Museum? Did you take your picture with the Winston Churchill statue? Did you see Big Ben?”
We sat together and talked for a long time, swatting at the mosquitos, our feet dangling in the warm water. The air grew cooler and I dipped back into the pool to stay warm. As we moved on to other topics, the questions aimed at me now, he joined me in the water, casting his towel to the far side of the concrete.
“You’re right. It is warmer in here.”
“You know what’s even warmer?” I asked playfully, then splashed him in the face. For a moment, we were in grade school again, splashing and laughing. It was good to be home, good to be swimming in the Douglas’s pool again, the only pool on our block, and good to be here with my best friend.
A similar thought must have struck Christian, as we both stopped splashing. In all the excitement, we’d traveled to the deep end, where Christian’s toes touched the bottom but I had to stand on the lip around the sides to keep my head above water. Gripping onto the concrete ledge, we stood together in the water, relaxed and comfortable.
“Tessie.” He wiped the water from his face and looked at me. “I really missed you when I was in London. I wish you could have come with me.”
I sighed. “You know I couldn’t study abroad with all my loans and bills and blah, blah, blah. Ask my mom. She’ll tell you all about it.”
“I know, but that’s not what I meant.” His took my hand and pressed it against his chest. My pulse quickened, the blood rushing to my head and ears. My face tingled. I froze, a combination of panic and pleasure, and I had absolutely no idea what to do about either. My voice stuck in my throat.
“Do you remember when we were kids?”
I nodded, still unclear what would happen if I opened my mouth to talk.
“And you remember what you promised me? What we promised each other?”
I remembered, but I couldn’t even nod this time. My spine suffered the same affliction as my voice box. Good or bad? Is this good or bad? My brain was screaming; my body was paralyzed. As he leaned toward me, I really didn’t want him to do what I thought he was about to…
When Christian kissed me, my brain stopped working. He slid his arms around my waist, pressing his unpracticed lips against mine. I kissed him back, surprising us both, and the awkward beginning melted into something natural, something instinctual. Together, our legs kicked gently through the water, our arms wrapped tightly around one another. Pressed against the wall, I didn’t feel the abrasive stucco, just what it felt like to be held like that. To be held in my best friend’s arms.
The warm water rippled, the crickets chirped, the scent of extinguished barbecues floated on the air. Even so, my senses were living and breathing only one thing right now—the man with his arms around me, his lips hungry for mine.
For twenty glorious seconds, we were together again, but much improved since fifth grade. I should’ve known it wasn’t meant to last. The gate creaked open and we broke apart, zooming in opposite directions like two magnets turned on each other. Our eyes locked, an agreement passed unspoken, and we tried to act as normal as two people can after something so unexpectedly… perfect.
“Hey, Christian!” called Kendra, striding across the Douglas family’s extensive lawn. “You’re back!”
****
The phone rang, scaring me out of my dream and into the brightness of a late Saturday morning. Dreamt memories always left me a little irritable, like reminders of the shoulda-coulda-wouldas of my life, so I barked a rude greeting into the phone.
“Pardon my French, Tessie, but where the
fuck
have you been?”
“Kendra?” From the sound of it, she was feeling equally polite. I worked at pulling myself from the dream, disconnecting myself from the powerful emotions still attached to it. After it happened, we never discussed it. I told myself Christian was lonely while away in London for six months and I was frustrated with my life at the time. Plus, pools are sexy at night. It could’ve happened to anyone.
“It’s been days since I’ve heard from you. I was really worried,” she said, using her parental voice. “What’s going on?”
“Work,” I said, at a total loss. “I just got handed a huge project, one that could finally get me some recognition at Prime. It’s the biggest thing I’ve done so far.”
Kendra sighed, and I knew at once the heavy context behind that sigh. Eight years of similar “big deals” had drained her. “I thought you just
got
some recognition. Or was the promotion just another rung on the ladder? At some point you’re going to have to move on and have a life for yourself.”
“I do have a life,” my voice sounded thick when I spoke. It would have been easier to rage right back at Kendra if I didn’t think her words were partly true.
“For others, Tess. You have a life for others.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Here was that anger, rising up like acid reflux. I stumbled down the stairs from my bedroom loft and headed to the kitchen, tucking my cell phone between my shoulder and ear while I put a pod into the Keurig and hit brew. Uncomfortable with hunger, I opened the cabinets, searching for something to eat.
“You work all day for
Prime
, you come over and babysit for
me
, you find new girlfriends for
Christian
,” Kendra was really wound up now. “When was the last time you were able to finish a sentence with ‘for
Tess
?’”
“You’re mad that I babysit for you?” I needed groceries, it seemed, since the cabinet was virtually empty. A stale box of Cheerios sat on the top shelf, a lone oatmeal packet propped against it. I grabbed the oatmeal and a bowl, then fired up the burner to boil some water. I found a banana in the fridge that wasn’t too mushy and sliced it into my oatmeal.
“I don’t think you’re getting the point here.” Kendra liked to fix things, in a more proactive way than most women—usually by bludgeoning a person to a bloody pulp either verbally or with whatever object was handy.
“It is all for me, you know. I work hard at Prime for my future
.
I babysit for you because it’s a way for me to show you how much your friendship means to me. I find new girlfriends for Christian because I care about him. Actually, if you look at it that way, I’m very selfish.”
“Don’t you want to find someone for you? You deserve to be happy, Tess.” Her tone softened like she was coaxing a tiny kitten toward her open palm.
“I am happy,” I said defensively. My gorgeous apartment filled with sunshine, my luxurious suede slippers cushioning my toes, and my freshly-brewed gourmet coffee wrapped between my chilly hands, all of these stood as proof. The oatmeal and banana, not so much, but the rest of it was all exactly the way I wanted it.
“Don’t you want someone to share things with?” All her ammunition was at play, it seemed. “Someone to come home to?”
“I have Finn!” I laughed but she just breathed into the phone. “Okay, okay. But I do have you guys, you and Grant and,” I hesitated, not sure if I could count him among my blessings these days. “And Christian.”
She hesitated too, her breath catching in her throat. “Yes, you do. But what happens when Grant and I have more kids and we’re not around as much? Or when Christian finally pairs up and starts playing family man?”
“It’s not like I’m actively avoiding men. I’m just not out there looking for them.”
“Well, you can’t exactly meet men if all you do is work, hang out at home, and spend time with a married couple. As strategies go, I’d say that one’s a bit lacking.”
“I have other things to worry about—”
“Because you’re a super-driven career woman, with no time for love or children.” her voice mocked me.
“Is that what it sounds like when I say that?”
“Sometimes,” she answered matter-of-factly. “Building a career is an important part of life, but it’s not all there is. At the end of the day, what is there for you?”
“Fine, I’ll get a dog.” I stomped upstairs to my bathroom and started preparing a hot bath.
“Not what I meant.”
“All right, Kendra,” I slammed the cabinet shut. “You win. I’m unhappy, I need a man, I want kids, and I wish my life were more fulfilling. Is that what you want me to say?”
“Well, yes,” she thought for a moment. “But not like that. Like you really want those things.”
“Who says I
don’t
want that stuff?” I said, grabbing a towel from the linen closet. “I know it’s what we’re supposed to do when we grow up. We used to play house all the time when we were kids!”
“You always played the mortgage broker, Tess. I don’t think that counts.”
“Whatever,” I tossed the towel across the bathroom in the general direction of the towel rack. It missed and slid to the floor. “The point is, I’m not cut out for that stuff. It’s not who I am. Even if I wish I was, once in a while, I’m
not
. I had a crappy childhood and a mother who was more obsessed with her job than her kids. It hurt to feel like that and I can’t turn around and do the same to some poor innocent child of my own. You’re you and it’s amazing how you are with Riley and Grant. It blows my mind how you can balance the restaurant and your family, but I’m not you. But me—”
“Tess,” she said softly. “You’re not your mother.”
I exhaled, turning on the bath water. “Let’s just drop it, okay? Do you still need me tonight?”
“Yeah.”
“Will Christian be there too?”
“That was the plan…” she trailed off, a bad sign. I poured in the bubble bath and waited. “Looks like it’s just you, though.”
Her disappointment told me she knew something. Maybe not the gory details, but something. I thought about my predicament long after I hung up with Kendra and turned prune-like in the tub. I’d been counting on the chance to sort things out with Christian when we babysat Riley together that night, but that hope evaporated with my bath bubbles. I sank deeper into the cooling water and decided to look on the bright side: I’d get some good one-on-one Riley time. That’s about where the positives ended.
After spending the whole day in a similar state of internal limbo and, with nothing else to do, I made it to Grant and Kendra’s a record-breaking ten minutes ahead of schedule. I marched up to the door, beaming ear to ear, and knocked a little ditty on the door. I was so proud of myself, Kendra would be so impressed, and…
Christian, who answered the door, looked absolutely stunned.
“Tess…hey.” His greeting was abrupt and warmth-less.
“Oh. Hey,” I said, compensating for the tension with a larger-than-life grin. My face felt awkward, so it probably looked that way too. “I thought you weren’t coming tonight.”
“Kendra said
you
weren’t coming.” His voice was flat. It was not a question.
“Oh.” The little liar. “Is she here?”
“They left already.”
“I thought I was early.”
He crossed his arms. “They had to leave early. Conveniently.”
“So they called you to come early.” I was starting to feel like everyone thought I was unreliable, except Marty Bensen. I didn’t want to live in that world.
“I was already here,” he shrugged. I rubbed my hands on my jeans, trying to determine exactly what was happening between us. “I got things under control, if you need to be somewhere else. It’s not really a two-person job.”
Where did he expect me to go? We always babysat Riley together. “No, it’s fine. I was—Can I come in?” His expression contorted briefly but he stepped aside, ushering me into the house. “You don’t mind? I can leave if you’d rather—”
“No, of course not.” His answer sounded kind, but still his tone was icy. Super. My brain buzzed with explanations. Was he back together with Marcy? Did she tell him she caught me snooping around his apartment, showing him my jacket, left behind as proof? Crap! My jacket! I’d completely forgotten about it. What if I needed it for something and couldn’t get it back from him? Like hell was I about to ask for it, on the off-chance he hadn’t noticed it yet. Dig your own grave much, Tess?
Riley was in the kitchen, racing toy cars along the tray of his high chair. “Anntess!” he cried happily. “Vroom! Vroom!”
“He just ate,” Christian said. This was unnecessary, given the dried baby food circling his mouth. I wet a nearby burp cloth and wiped him down.