James looked hurt. “Why do you suppose something like that?”
“Because he is your father. My anger, as you so often have put it, comes from the fact that Leland’s deeds could have ruined my father.”
“But they didn’t. You seem to forget that.”
Carolina tensed. “I haven’t forgotten anything.”
“That’s obvious,” James said, reaching down to pull off his boot.
“I don’t know what else you want from me,” Carolina said coolly. “I’ve done whatever I thought I could to settle this situation.”
“Everything but forgive the man. Maybe he doesn’t deserve it, but you won’t even offer it. And because of this, you grow more angry and bitter as the days pass. Frankly, I don’t know how to help you.” He pulled the remaining boot from his foot and stood to face Carolina. They were only inches apart, but it might as well have been miles.
“Help me?” Carolina shook her head, bewildered. “You’ve not seemed overly worried about helping me through this up till now.” She let her anger surface to do battle for her and immediately regretted it. This wasn’t how she had intended things to be.
“Every time I try, you throw it back in my face.”
“You’re no different. I’ve gone out of my way to try to ease your burden, and over and over you toss my help aside as though it was somehow belittling. The only thing you haven’t tossed aside is Blake’s money. You’ve been more than happy to use that to cover up Leland’s deception.”
James’ expression turned stoic. “Is that what this is about? The money? Are you bitter because I agreed to let you use St. John’s money to smooth things over with the investors?”
“I was merely trying to point out that if Blake hadn’t left me the money—”
“But he did, and therefore anything else you might add is moot. You have the money, and you offered it up as a momentary solution to our problems. Even I know that you didn’t do this out of kindness and concern for my father, but rather to protect your own father and see your dreams for the P&GF Railroad move forward. But I would add this, as you seem to have forgotten. While you were protecting your father, and inadvertently saving my father from shame, you were saving me, as well. The Adams and Baldwin names both stood to suffer, and in case you’ve forgotten, your name is now Baldwin.”
“I haven’t forgotten,” she said, feeling his words pierce her soul.
“You offered up St. John’s money because it was necessary to protect all of us.”
“Yes, and all because of one man.”
James’ jaw clenched tight, and when he spoke, his words were barely audible. “He’ll soon be dead. You’ll have your revenge.”
Carolina felt the color drain from her face. Is that truly what James thought she wanted? She walked away from him and sat down on the edge of the bed.
“There’s nothing more we can do to change what has happened. But if we can’t find a way to leave it behind us,” James said, his voice void of emotion, “then I see nothing but destruction for our family.”
Carolina began to tremble. She knew he was right. Why did this entire matter seem to take her up one hill, only to plunge her into a valley of despair on the other side? Just when she thought herself capable of letting go of her anger, something triggered inside her to make her hold on to it like a rope thrown to a drowning man. She glanced up to say something—anything that might show James how sorry she was—but he was gone. Their bedroom door stood open, and she had little doubt that James had gone to another room for the night.
Throwing off her robe, she crawled into bed and lay staring at the ceiling for a long time. James was right. Their entire life together stood at a critical crossroads. If she continued to hold a grudge against Leland, there would be nothing left between her and James. After all, James was Leland’s son. How could she hate the father without something of that trickling down to the son?
“I don’t care about the money,” she whispered to the air. “So why did I bring it up? Why did I throw it in James’ face when I knew it would only hurt him?”
She thought of all the years she’d longed for James’ love and companionship, and now that she finally had it, she was isolating herself from him, building a wall of misunderstanding and bitterness that would stand between them like a fortress. Was that what she wanted?
“Certainly not,” she murmured. “I love James. I don’t want to lose him.”
“Love forgets mistakes; nagging about them parts the best of friends,”
she could remember her mother telling her when she was a little girl.
Carolina smiled. She’d always thought her mother had made up that saying. It wasn’t until years later that she found out it was a proverb from the Bible. But the wisdom in those words would have been just as true had they come from the local market. Dredging up the past had given her nothing but pain and misery. While she’d wielded Leland’s sins like a sword of condemnation, James was the one who was taking the bite of each slashing move. She was killing her own beloved husband with the animosity she felt.
“Oh, Father,” she prayed aloud, “this is so hard. How can I let go of what has already been done? How can I forgive Leland and, in turn, free myself from this misery?”
She prayed for a long time, hoping against all hope that James would return and she could plead for his forgiveness. But it wasn’t to be, and when she awoke the next morning, she found that he had already left the house.
She ran to the window, hoping he might still be within sight, but there was no one even moving about on the street. James would travel to Harper’s Ferry, still bearing the marks of her anger and the wounds of her selfish bitterness. Sinking against the window frame, Carolina began to weep.
Carolina moved through the day with lethargic disinterest. James was gone, and left behind was the horrible memory of her caustic words. She had few choices in how to deal with the matter. She was hardly at liberty to get on the next train and follow him west. Leland needed her to remain in the house and offer him care, and Victoria’s temperament still showed worrisome signs of agitation and conflict. No, she would have to wait until James returned in a week.
Taking up the
Godey’s Lady’s Book
magazine in hopes that she might find a decent dress design for Victoria’s ever-growing frame, Carolina was surprised when a knock sounded at the front door. Knowing Mrs. Graves had already left for the market, Carolina answered the door herself. The older man on the opposite side of the door beamed a huge smile that spread from one muttonchop-whiskered cheek to the other.
“Papa!” she exclaimed, throwing herself with joyful exuberance into Joseph Adams’ arms.
“I must say, this is quite a greeting,” Joseph said with a laugh.
Carolina pulled away and drew her father inside the house. “I’m sorry. Here I stand outside making a spectacle of myself.”
“You’ve never much cared in the past whether you made a spectacle of yourself,” Joseph said, following her lead to the drawing room.
“That’s before I had to become a respectable wife and mother,” Carolina said with a smile. “Now, where are your things and how long will you be staying?”
“I can’t stay long—only an hour or two,” Joseph admitted. “I’m making my way to Boston. The doctor has agreed to allow me to visit your mother.”
“Oh, that is good news,” Carolina said, taking a seat. “Come sit and tell me everything.”
Joseph did as she bid. “There’s really not much more to tell. The doctor says that your mother is responding well to one of her nurses. The woman is rather motherly in her care, and she’s a Christian, so she reads the Bible to your mother and prays for her. I found it a great comfort to imagine such attention being offered her.”
“Yes, that is wonderful news. It would be an answer to all of our prayers if Mother would find a way to accept the past and live for the future.” Carolina’s words seemed to echo in her heart. Wasn’t this the very advice she herself needed to heed?
“The trip to deliver your mother to Boston last year seemed to stretch out endlessly. But this time, I feel light as a feather, and the miles are simply eaten away as I dream of seeing her again.”
“You love her very much, don’t you?”
“I could love no other with more intensity of feeling. She is such a part of me that to leave her in Boston tore from my soul that very part which makes me wholly happy. I’ve missed her more than I could ever begin to put into words.” Joseph’s eyes misted and his look took on a faraway expression. “When I awaken in the night and find her gone, I startle to wonder where she is. Then when I realize she’s in Boston, and I remember all that has come to pass . . . well . . . it’s almost more than I can bear.”
Carolina felt her own eyes grow moist. “I’ve never really thought about how hard this must be for you. I think from time to time about how much I wish I could just sit down and talk to her, but my family is here now, and so I fill my time with them. But you—” Her voice broke and she struggled to keep her emotions from running away with her. “You must ever face her absence.”
Joseph fixed his gaze on her and smiled. “But all is well. God has been good to us, and I find great relief in having located a hospital with such a good reputation in its care of the mentally ill. I pray it will be but a short while until your mother completely recovers.”
“Do the doctors believe it possible?” Carolina asked with obvious hope in her voice.
“They are more confident than they were a few months ago.”
Carolina nodded and wiped her eyes. “I wish I could come with you to see her. How I miss my mother.”
“Why don’t you? You and Victoria could come. I’m certain it would do Margaret good, and if the doctor refused to let all of us see her, well, at least you would be nearer to her. Not only that, but you’d make marvelous company for me.”
Carolina felt the anticipation of such a trip die within her as she remembered Leland. “I can’t go.” She knew the expression on her face would be enough to give her father reason to ask why, so before he could voice the words she continued. “James has gone west with the railroad, and his father is upstairs—” she hesitated, then added—“dying.”
“Dying?” her father asked, his face showing proof of his surprise.
“Yes. The doctor said it is his heart. The attack was quite fierce, and I’m afraid he hasn’t even the strength to be moved from the house.”
Joseph reached out and touched Carolina’s hands. She hadn’t realized that she was twisting the folds of her skirt until he stilled her actions. “Tell me everything. Tell me about the attack and all that you have endured.”
It didn’t take long to explain the events that had created such misery in her heart. She told her father of the attack and of the problems that came with Leland’s bedridden existence in her home. “It hasn’t been easy,” Carolina admitted. “James and I have argued many times over what his father has done. We argued last night, in fact, and James left for Harper’s Ferry this morning before I could apologize or talk to him about my harsh words. Now I’m trapped here caring for a man who makes me most uncomfortable, and I have no idea how to make matters right again.”
Joseph nodded. “I’d like to see Leland.” The stern tone of his voice left Carolina wary.
“He isn’t to be upset,” she said, getting to her feet. “I’m sure you understand.”
“I do,” Joseph replied and stood. “I won’t upset him, I promise. But I think it would do both of us good to see each other and share a few words. I would not want him to pass away without speaking my mind.”
Carolina swallowed hard, wondering if her father would deliver a severe reprimand to the dying man. She’d never felt protective of Leland, but the idea of James coming home to learn that her father had severely attacked the dying man made her tremble. But when she met her father’s eyes, she saw all the assurance she needed to put aside her fears.
“I’ll show you the way,” she said. How could she imagine such a thing of her father? Joseph’s very nature was such that he would never hurt another living soul if he could at all prevent it. And although Leland had certainly performed an intolerable act of betrayal, her father wouldn’t take it out on the dying man.
She directed her father to the room and paused outside the door. “Would you like me to go in and see if he’s awake?”
“No,” Joseph replied. “I’ll wake him if necessary.”
She nodded and watched her father enter the room. She knew she should draw the door closed, but something held her fast to the place where she stood. She observed as her father lightly touched Leland’s hand, then watched as Leland opened his eyes and recognized his visitor.
“Joseph . . .” he said the name in a short gasp of breath.
“My good friend, it grieves me to find you like this,” Joseph said, taking a seat on the straight-backed chair beside the bed.
“I had hoped to see you before I died.”
“And here I am,” Joseph replied in an almost lighthearted manner. “I had come to tell Carolina of my journey to see her mother in Boston. She told me you were here and gave me the details of your circumstance.”
“It seems only fitting,” Leland said, struggling to sit up just a little. Joseph reached out and helped the man up against the pillow. “I deserve nothing more than this.”
“What manner of talk is this?”
Leland suffered through a fierce spell of coughing before offering Joseph an answer. “I’m sorry, Joseph. I’m sorry for the past and the wrongs I’ve done you.”
Carolina felt her breath catch in her throat. What would her father say? Would he refuse the man’s apology? She saw her father smile and pat his old friend’s hand. The words that came from her father humbled and shamed her.
“We all make bad judgments, Leland. You did nothing more or less than each of us has done at different times. I only wish you would have come to me. If I’d only known that you were suffering from the depression and bank closure, I would have gladly given you whatever you needed.”
Carolina watched Leland’s face contort as tears slid down his cheeks. “I know you would have. But I was proud. I’ve . . . never—” He coughed again, gasping several times to draw a decent breath, and all the while Joseph held his hand tightly. Leland settled and resumed the conversation. “I’ve never managed things well, but I now know what I must do. Joseph, I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m asking for it nevertheless.”