A Second Chance (The Publicist, Book Four) (8 page)

Chapter 28

By the time they got back in the car, Sydney was crying. Mac asked the driver to raise the privacy glass and he pulled Sydney to him.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Mac.” Her voice was wet and heavy with emotion, “I’ve seen so much. Death, destruction, but this, tonight, I just…”

“I think it finally hit you, the magnitude of what you did and the reason we all call you Wonder Woman.” He kissed the top of her head.

“I still hate that term,” Her voice was shaky and she smiled softly into his shirt, listening to his heart beat. Being here with Mac felt safe in a way that she never expected to find comforting. Feeling safe wasn’t something that was ever really important to her. Even her own safety was always secondary to her work. Now though, she realized how much she missed this feeling of being with a man like this; a man like Mac.

By the time they arrived back at Sydney’s place, Mac could tell she was exhausted.

“Let’s sit on the couch for a while.” He offered, tugging on his tie and unbuttoning his shirt.

“I’ll get out of this dress and join you.” Sydney changed into a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt and then curled up beside Mac on her couch.

Safe. Warm. Loved.

Mac wrapped his arm around her, “How are you feeling?” He asked gently.

“Good, tired. Tonight was amazing…” she hesitated and then added, “I’m glad you were with me.”

Mac nodded,
I am, too,
he thought, but he knew this was not going to last. He already wanted more, needed more.

He was certain this would have to be their final weekend together and it was crushing him.

“I think that senator from Atlanta wanted you.” Sydney sat up and smiled. He wanted to devour her. Mac took her hand and smiled.

“I only have eyes for you.” Then he kissed her, a soft warm kiss. Sydney wrapped her arms around him, and in one movement he carried her off to bed.

Chapter 29

Mac had intended to stay the weekend, but now he wasn’t sure. He found it was always best not to prolong something that needed to end, but somehow he couldn’t bring himself to change his flight and leave sooner. Though a smarter man would.

Maybe he’d somehow stopped being smart, or smart as he used to be. Always the upper hand, always ready to bolt, always ready to undermine his own happiness. In a matter of days, Sydney had changed that, or maybe it was a change that had been coming for a long time and she was the catalyst that finally brought him full circle.

Saturday had been spent walking around D.C. With Sydney as his tour guide, they saw just about everything they could feasibly see in a day. It was a crisp, clear, fall day and it had been perfect, or almost so. The pending end to the weekend and whatever else loomed over Mac. While he tried not to let it distract him, he was certain Sydney noticed.

“Where do you want to have dinner?” Mac asked. They were seated on a bench in the National Mall, which was packed with tourists, a few joggers, and locals with their dogs out for an evening walk.

Sydney licked her lips. “Whatever you feel like, steak maybe?”

“Some place with no politicians.” He threw her a smile.

“You’ll have to go to Canada then, here we grow politicians on trees. I know a great steakhouse that’s a walk from here. Want to try it?”

“A girl that eats red meat, where have you been all my life?” He looked at her and in an instant the moment turned from playful to serious and they could both feel it; it was the conversation they’d been dancing around all weekend.

Mac stood up, trying to shake it off, “Let’s go, I’m starved.” He took her hand and they walked and talked about random, abstract things. Ignoring the conversation they knew they both needed to have.

After dinner they took a cab back to Sydney’s apartment. This would be his last night with her, though he could stay till Monday, the likelihood of that happening was minimal. Especially after what he knew he needed to say.

Sydney slipped the key into the lock and pushed the door open. Mac stood in the hallway, not removing his coat, and just looking at her.

A tremor of fear wriggled through her knees. But no, it was okay, it was going to be okay.

The tremor became a spasm. She looked at him, something twisted in her gut.

This was goodbye
, she thought, and then pushed the idea away.

Her chest felt tight and she was having a hard time catching her breath.

There was something wrong with her lungs.

They had fun, and she’d been clear about what her rules were, Mac seemed okay with that. Still, something had clouded over them that day, and Sydney wasn’t sure what. Mac seemed anxious and distracted.

“Sydney…” Mac began.

Sydney felt the tremor grew stronger.

“I love you.” Once out of his mouth, it felt almost like a relief, the burden of truth he’d been carrying for what seemed like forever. Yet, it was really only a week.

Well, a week and thirty-odd years.

She froze midway in the process of shrugging off her coat, and just stared at him.

“I love you, and I know you were clear at the farmhouse how you felt and how it needed to be and I just...” He ran a hand through his hair, “I just know I can’t do that.” Mac walked into her living room. To buy herself some mental space, she resumed slipping off her coat and hung it in the closet.

“You know I’ve danced this long, horrible dance, Syd. I’ve steered clear of entanglements, hell, I’m such a pro at it I could teach a class or even better, write a book,” he threw his arms in the air, “If anyone knows how to sidestep love, it’s me, and now I’m here and you’re here and I realize, as crazy as this sounds, that I never really stopped loving you.”

Sydney swallowed, her mouth was dry, and her heart thudded in her chest. “Mac, I…”

He held up a hand, “Let me finish, please, or I may never get the chance or the guts to say this again. You know I understand how crazy this is. We fell in love when we’re kids and didn’t see each other for decades, and then you’re back in my life and we fall into bed and it should be easy, right? I mean, look, you’re a super spy, and we have this fun fling, and it’s great, and the sex is amazing, and we should just move on. But I’ll tell you what, five years ago that would have been great by me. Hell, three years ago, before I fell in love with Kate, I would have been one hundred percent fine with that. I don’t know if it was loving her and losing her or nearly losing Carolyn to cancer, but somewhere in there I realized that I need more in my life.” Mac walked over to her and took her hands, “I’m the worst bet any woman can make. Just ask anyone I’ve ever been with. I’ve broken their heart, so you have every right to run like hell, but I’d like to stand here and tell you I’ve changed. I want more. I want a life. I don’t want the life I had. I want to love someone and have them love me, and I want to grow old and….” Mac’s hands flew to his hips, “I sound like a woman.”

Sydney smiled and reached for his hands, “You don’t, Mac. You sound like every woman’s dream.”

“Every woman, except you.”

Sydney could see the vein in his neck throbbing, his heart was beating wildly, and she had to fight the urge to kiss him and beg him to make love with her.

“Mac, I-I, I just don’t think I’m capable of that anymore.”

He squeezed her hands, “Don’t you even want to try?”

“You and I have both been too disappointed, Mac. If we try this and it doesn’t work...”

“Then it doesn’t work, Syd, but at least we gave it a shot. We gave us a shot.”

She could feel her throat constrict, “I-I just, Mac it’s hard.”

Mac took a deep breath, nodded and threw her a weak smile, “It’s okay, Buttercup. You can’t. It’s okay. I sort of knew that coming here, I knew it when you left the farmhouse, but I needed to try.”

A tear slipped down her cheek, “Mac, let’s talk about this. Let’s sit down and…”

“No, it’s fine. I need to go.” His voice was firm. Panic slid down her spine and settled into her knees. “Mac, I’m sorry. Don’t go.”

“I’m a fool, I get it. In the past, I would never turn down a woman, especially one who looks like you, but now, things are different.” He walked past her, into the bedroom to gather his things. She didn’t follow him, though she wanted to. What was the point? He wanted it all and she didn’t have enough to give.

She’d been used up and spit out years ago.

A few minutes later, Mac emerged with his garment bag. Sydney hadn’t moved from where she was standing. “I’ll keep the updates coming for you on the book and we have a call next week about the promotion.” His voice was flat.

She wanted to beg him to stay, to plead with him to give her one more night. To feel his hands on her, his lips on her body, to wake up next to him, but she couldn’t.

“Mac, I’m sorry.”

He looked at her and then bent down and kissed her on the forehead, “Don’t be, Buttercup. This was an amazing time. I don’t regret it.” And in one swift movement, he stepped past her, towards the door and was gone. A dart of regret pierced her heart as the door clicked shut.

The whole thing was bad, very bad. But good, so good in fact that Syd had to stop herself (a few times) from running after him, but this was also dangerous. More dangerous than any CIA mission, in any god-forsaken part of the world she’d been in, because this wasn’t a threat to her body, which had time and time again proven itself able to withstand much more than she’d thought possible. No, this time the danger was to her heart, and to her soul, and she didn’t think either of them could take the hit.

Chapter 30

“Syd, why are you calling? I figured you’d be with hotter-than-ever Mac.” There was something in Jenny’s voice, some hopeful inflection.

“He, eh, he left.”

“So soon?”

Sydney could hear little voices in the background, it was Saturday night and the kids were up late, no doubt.

“Yeah, he…”

“Syd tell me you didn’t screw this up.”

Sydney fumbled with the edging on her couch, “Jen, you know it’s hard, this life I lead and I’m just not….”

“Not ready?” Jenny interrupted her, “You know you have a million excuses to avoid being happy, don’t you?”

Sydney could feel something settle inside her: regret. “I am not avoiding, it’s just, I like my life this way.”

“Really? Wait, hold on…” Sydney could hear her sister talking to one of her kids. The sounds made her heart ache. How she wished….

“Sorry, Billy wanted popcorn and you’d think it was the end of the world. Now, back to you, sis. I love you so much, please know that when I tell you that you’re a class A fuck up, but I mean it in the best possible sense.”

“Mac told me he loved me.” She said, and her voice caught.

“And you said?”

Sydney sighed, “I said nothing, I just. It’s really better this way.”

“If it was better this way, you wouldn’t be calling me. You’ve be packing your ‘go bag’ for another mission and off slaying dragons. You’re calling me because you want me to tell you to go for it.”

“No, I really don’t….”

“You know, for someone with your IQ, you’re not terribly smart.” Then her sister added, “Listen, I know it’s been hard. I know how deeply you loved Joe, but I remember you and Mac together, and I remember how you loved him, too, and how he loved you.”

Sydney licked her lips, “I think I love him, Jenny.” Her voice was so quiet, it was almost a whisper.

“Then what are you going to do about it?”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“Are you worried about Mac’s reputation?” Jenny had done sleuthing, of course she had, the minute her sister had called to tell her that Mac was her book editor.

Sydney thought for a moment and then said, “I am, of course, but in a sense, I get him, I know him to his core, or I did. You know, it was so long ago, I just wonder if I’m confusing that with what’s going on here.”

“What
is
going on, Sydney?” Her sister asked, her voice firm.

“I couldn’t bear to lose someone I love again.” Sydney’s voice was wet, the remnants of grief washed over her remembering the loss of Mac years ago and then Joe. She kept them locked away, all of it, but with her sister she didn’t have to pretend she was a tougher than nails agent, she could just be herself.

“Sydney, I get it, we all loved Joe, but he would never want you to live like this.”

“I-I should go, I’ll call you tomorrow.” Sydney struggled to find her words.

“If you love him, Syd, don’t let him go again. Years of misunderstandings separated you both. It’s time you fixed that and it’s also time you got a life.”

Mac returned to New York and tried to pretend everything was normal, but it wasn’t. Something had shifted in him, but apparently the shift hadn’t happened with Sydney. It had started, albeit slowly, the day he broke Kate Mitchell’s heart. He wanted to be different, he didn’t want to be “that guy” and end up someday as a cocktail party joke or an urban legend.

Mac Ellis wanted a life, and he knew that Sydney, as much as she obviously cared, wasn’t going to be that girl.

Still.

Part of him missed her. Actually, all of him missed her. In the week that followed his time with her in D.C., he wanted to pick up the phone and call her, but he didn’t. She’d been pretty clear about how she felt and he knew Syd’s stubborn streak better than anyone. It was funny really, in that odd, ironic, not-really-funny-but-it-is kind of a way. For the first time in his life the tables were turned on him. He was on the receiving end of what he dished out over the years. When someone fell in love, Mac was gone. Now, it was his turn to be left behind.

Karma was a bitch.

The book’s marketing meeting was scheduled for today at noon, via conference call. He might skip it, it may be better to. His team could handle it. He’d had enough of the universe’s jacked up sense of humor. He was also exhausted. He’d been up half the night thinking about his life, thinking about Sydney.

“Hello, Mac.”

He hadn’t seen or heard her enter; he was so lost in thought, but there stood Sydney.

She took his breath away.

Mac gathered himself quickly, “I thought we were doing this via conference call,” he said simply. He didn’t even say,
It’s good to see you.
Though it was. No pleasantries. Not today. He wasn’t in the mood.

Sydney walked further into the office, “I had business in New York and I thought I’d pop by.”

Mac stood up and walked around his desk, “I’m not sitting in on the meeting today. You’ll be with the marketing team.” His eyes were fixed on her. She wore a pale blue dress that was cut in a semi-low scoop around her neck. He could see the slight curve of her breasts. The sight of her bare skin left his mouth dry.

“Mac, I…” Sydney fumbled with her purse, “I should go then.” She turned and Mac grabbed her by the crook of her elbow.

“What are you doing here, really?” He asked, his eyes narrowing, and suddenly Mac noticed her necklace was gone, the one she wore with Joe’s wedding ring on it.

“I came for the meeting, and I wanted to see you.” She looked down and then back up again and met Mac’s gaze. “I’ve missed you,” she said simply.

He wanted to grab her and kiss her and then push her up onto his desk and….Mac forced that scene from his mind and regained his steely composure. “Sydney, I’m sure you can appreciate that I can’t do this “come here-go away” with you.”

“I’m going on another mission.” She said suddenly.

Of course she was. Sydney Sullivan saves the world. Mac’s frown didn’t cease, “Well, good luck and come home safe.”

“Sir?” It was his assistant, Beth. She looked from Sydney to Mac. The tension between them was obvious. Mac let go of Sydney’s arm.

“The marketing meeting is about to start. Since Ms. Sullivan is here, I’ve set us up in the conference room.”

“Thanks, Beth. Sydney will be there in a moment.” Beth retreated and Sydney looked back to Mac.

“You will be joining us, right?” she asked.

“Go ahead, I’ll be right in.” He lied. Mac had no intention of being a yoyo. Much as he loved Sydney, she was a bit too hot and cold and he should know. He invented that relationship yoyo.

Freaking karma.