A Sister's Wish (8 page)

“I don't understand.”

“I fought in underground clubs, Amelia. I fought for money.”

She shook her head. As much as she was hearing him speak, the words he was saying didn't completely register. “Did the people you fought hurt you?”

“Sometimes. But after the second or the third round, I usually won,” he said quietly. “I pushed aside everything our church has taught us and embraced violence.”

“I see.”

He wasn't looking at her now. “I made money and spent it on alcohol and drugs, Amy. And I hung around guys who stole cars. That is why I went to prison.”

She was shocked. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't heard one or two girls whisper such stories about him. But she hadn't ever believed it. Now she felt a bit foolish. Had she been falling in love with a man who had embraced everything she'd been taught to scorn? She wondered if Lukas had been right. Maybe she didn't know Simon at all. “Why did you do all that?”

He blinked. “Why?”

“Even though I didn't know about the fights or the drugs or, um, prison, I know you wouldn't have done something like that if you didn't have a reason. Why did you stray so far?”

“At that time in my life, fighting and feeling pain were what I was used to.” Sounding as if he was pulling each word out of himself, he said, “First Jeremy left, then Tess a year later. I was left to bear the brunt of my parents' anger.”

“Oh, Simon.”

Still not meeting her gaze, he continued. “My life at home wasn't a good one. We used to get locked in the cellar when we were bad. And”—he inhaled—“and my father used his fists on me a lot.”

It was taking everything she had not to burst into tears for him. For the little boy he'd been. Instead, she forced herself to keep her expression blank and open. She needed to hear what he had to say. But just as importantly, he needed to tell her about his suffering.

“Because of all that,” he continued in a strained voice, “I knew how to handle pain. I was angry, too. So angry. God forgive me, but I wanted to hurt someone else.” He lifted his chin. “But unlike my father, I wasn't taking out my anger on a child who was weaker than me. I was taking it out on someone who could fight back.”

“So that's why you were good at it.”

He nodded. “I was good at doing bad things, Amy. But then I got caught and had to pay the price.”

She had a lot of questions, but she didn't want to ask them. Not right then. “Why did you come back?”

“Back? I don't understand.”

Gently, she said, “Simon, if your brother and sister left our faith, if you made other friends and you were making money fighting, too . . . why did you come back here after you got out of prison? Why did you come back to Charm, start working at the mill, and get baptized in our faith?”

“Because I felt I had to.” He swallowed. “I realized that I was only running away, not changing. And, well, one night after a particularly bad fight, I realized that I didn't hurt anymore.”

“And then?”

“And then I discovered that I had to stop being so self-destructive. I needed to somehow find some hope in my life.” He paused, looking as if he needed a moment to compose himself. “I came to the conclusion that there was only one group of people who could help me be hopeful, and that was the Kinsinger family.”

“Because Lukas and Levi were your best friends.”

“Because of them,
jah
. And because of you.”

She wished she wasn't stuck in this bed. She wished she was brave enough to grab his hands and hold him. To pull him close so she could wrap her arms around his waist and hold him tight. He needed a hug. He needed to remember that he wasn't alone. Not anymore.

“Simon, I am glad you told me about your past. I'm glad you told me about your tattoos. But if you were thinking that I was going to be scared, you are wrong.” Feeling that each word might be the most important word she'd ever said in her life, she continued. “I'm not scared of your past. The past is behind ya now. It has nothing to do with us.”

“It has everything to do with us. I told you about the things I've done so you would realize that my past will always mark me. I can't remove the scars I've gotten from fights or those tattoos.”

She felt like rolling her eyes. Did he really think she was that naïve? “Maybe I don't want you to remove them,” she said.

When he blinked in surprise, she almost asked him to roll up his sleeves or even take off his shirt so she could satisfy her curiosity. But of course, that would be terribly shocking.

“Maybe I don't expect you to remove your past. After all, it's already happened. You and me and God know about it. Ain't so?”

“A lot more people know besides the three of us.”

“But I don't care what a lot more people say. I only care about you and me and God.” Seeking a soothing tone, she said, “Simon, it's obvious that you've already changed your ways. The Lord knows you've repented and feel sorry for any mistakes you've made. That's all He ever asks for. Isn't that enough?”

Looking alarmed, he got to his feet. “You are going to want someone different. One day, you are going to be very glad that we ended things before it was too late.”

“You don't know that.”

He kept speaking, running over her words. “Because of that, I'm going to end it now.”

“But I don't want you to. Don't I get an opinion?”

Looking straight ahead, not meeting her eyes, he added, “I'm sorry, too, for ever going against your family's wishes.”

“I am not. I love Lukas and Rebecca, but they don't know what's best for me.”

“I'm also sorry that I pursued you and led you to believe that we could have a relationship. I shouldn't have been so forward.”

Even though she was lying in bed, she glared at him and attempted to look stern. “I disagree.” Trying again, she added, “Simon, don't you see? I get a say, too. I have a mind and an opinion and my own wishes and dreams and regrets. You are not alone in this.”

“I understand. However, I feel that your vision of us, well, it's tainted at the moment.”

“Tainted?”

“
Jah
. You aren't seeing me for who I am.”

“If that is the case, then you aren't seeing the real me, either.”

His mouth opened. Shut. He clenched one hand hard. Finally, he sighed. “Look. I need to leave.”

He was going to run away. He was going to refuse to listen to her, refuse to change his mind. “I guess you do.”

He stepped toward the door. Without looking back at her, he whispered, “Goodbye, Amelia.” Pain laced his tone. It was heartbreaking.

It also ignited her temper. “There's no need for goodbyes. I'll see you soon, Simon. I promise you that.”

Without saying another word, Simon threw open the door and walked out into the hall.

Amelia watched him leave, realizing that she'd been through a lot of things during her lifetime. She'd lost her mother when she was far too young. Survived her father dying in a terrible way. She'd mourned the deaths of men she'd known and dealt with Levi leaving.

Through it all, she'd done her best to adapt to whatever life had thrown her. She'd made changes. Pushed aside her own wishes and dreams and put her family first.

She'd never regretted those choices. Not until today.

But never had she been so disappointed in her brother and sister. And she'd never been so disappointed in Simon.

He could survive being locked in cellars and street fights and drugs and crime and prison . . . but he couldn't stand by her side and accept her love? She found that hard to come to terms with.

He was obviously right. They did not belong together. It was time she moved on. Even if it hurt to do so, it couldn't hurt worse than she did right at that moment.

Chapter 8

A
fter leaving Amelia's room, though he could care less how Lukas felt, Simon forced himself to go to the visiting area and approach his best friend. Lukas turned the minute he entered the room and watched Simon warily as he approached.

“How did it go?” Lukas asked.

“About how one would expect. Not well. She ain't happy with me. Or with you and her sister.”

Lukas nodded. “I figured as much. Thank you for ending things, though. I owe you.”

Everything about his words felt wrong. “You don't owe me a thing. And don't ever thank me for doing this. Amelia is upset.”

“She'll get over it.”

Simon noticed that even as Lukas said the words, he didn't look all that confident. “Maybe.” He was just about to walk away when his conscience nagged at him to utter something else. “Just be sure you understand that I did not break up with her for you. I ended things because it's better for her. She deserves someone better than me.”

Looking increasingly ill at ease, Lukas said, “I understand.”

“Do you?” Suddenly, Simon wasn't sure if he even understood anymore. For the last couple of years, he'd taken to pretending that his past had never happened. Since no one ever asked him about being arrested or living in prison, he'd begun to tell himself that everything he'd done years ago didn't really matter all that much. He'd moved on.

But Tess's reappearance, together with Lukas's unflinching need to protect Amelia, had brought it all back with the force of a runaway freight train. The pain he'd felt at his father's hands felt as fresh as if he'd just received those wounds an hour ago.

It seemed he couldn't run from his past or blot it out. He was going to have to learn to live with the things he'd done. Though he'd intended to simply walk away, Simon knew he couldn't do that anymore.

“My parents used to lock Jeremy, Tess, and myself in the storm cellar when we misbehaved,” he blurted. Remembering the damp, musty smell, the spiders and the cold darkness, he added, “There would be shelves of jars of food that we were forbidden to touch. I remember sitting in there, so cold and hungry, and helpless to change my circumstances.”

“Did . . . did Jeremy and Tess take care of you then?”

Even after all this time, Simon found he was surprised that Lukas had no idea what his family had been like. Lukas had grown up feeling responsible for his younger siblings. All of them helped each other and always had. With him and Tess and Jeremy? Each of them had learned at an early age to look out only for themselves.

“
Nee,
” he answered, hating that his voice sounded so hoarse. “My parents . . . they used to put just one of us in there while the others had to watch.”

Lukas winced. “I'm sorry, Simon. I didn't know that.”

“You didn't know because I didn't tell anyone. None of us did.” He shook his head. “I think I was the only man who didn't have a hard time sleeping in a prison cell. I didn't mind the noise or the light. It's being alone in the dark that gets to me. It still does.”

“Your parents were cruel people, Simon. I've never blamed you for leaving them.”

For some reason, Simon couldn't stop sharing. “Later, my father used his fists an awful lot. He would stand beside us in church, proclaim his faith, then go home and hit Tess for any made-up reason he could think of.” Still remembering how scared he'd been, how despondent his sister had looked, he added, “I grew up angry and ashamed.”

Lukas closed his eyes. “My
daed
knew things were bad at your
haus
. I remember he tried to talk to your father once. But shortly after, your
bruder
ran away. He was afraid to get involved after that.”

“Jeremy ran because he heard what your father said,” Simon admitted. “Your
daed
was the first person to ever refer to Jeremy as a good boy.” Before Lukas could apologize for things that were never his doing, Simon added, “As the years went by, my father got angrier and angrier. Not long after Jeremy left, Tess did, too. By the time I left home, I could withstand a lot of pain.”

Lukas's hands shook as he pulled off his hat and brushed a chunk of hair from his forehead. “Simon, you don't have to tell me all of this.”

Actually, Simon thought he did. He was almost thirty years old and this was the first time he had told anyone just how bad things had been. Even after he was arrested and a social worker
had stopped by the jail, looking for reasons to explain why a scrawny Amish boy was so bad and so angry at the world, Simon had never admitted just what things had been like. It had been too hard. Too much. Too real.

Until now, he'd never been strong enough to admit how weak he'd been.

“I survived prison because one day, just a month after I had been incarcerated, a priest came by.”

“A priest?”

“He offered to tend to me. I had nothing to lose, so I let him. And you know what?”

“What?” Lukas whispered.

“He helped me see that it was time to forgive myself. He helped me see that God already knew my worst points but loved me, anyway. Over time, he helped me accept that He believed in me, too.” Just remembering how awestruck he'd been, Simon felt the muscles in his throat clench. “It was one of the most miraculous moments of my life, and it happened when I thought I had lost everything. Right there inside a prison.”

Lukas swallowed. “He sounds like a gift from God.”

“He was to me.” Forcing himself to continue, Simon said, “Knowing that he and God thought I was worth something helped me survive the rest of my sentence. Their faith helped me come back home. Their belief in me helped me return to our way of life.”

“I was glad when you came back.”

“And I was glad to be here. To know you. To work at Kinsinger's.”

“You know I'm glad you are there, Simon,” Lukas said, his light eyes shining with honesty. “You are a good manager. Everyone respects you.”

Simon shook his head, because his friend still didn't understand. “Lukas, I know your family has been through an awful lot. Losing both of your parents and the mill accident? Those were terrible things. But they happened to your family. Through it all, you've had each other. You've never been alone. Not really.”

“I understand what you're saying. You're right. I have always counted on Levi, Rebecca, and Amelia.”

“If you understand, then you might realize what it was like to count you as a friend. To feel like we were almost brothers.”

“You are almost a brother to me, Simon. I love you as much as I love Levi.”

“
Nee,
Lukas, you don't.”

Lukas reached out a hand. “Simon—”

“Yesterday and today? You've reminded me that I'm really no better than my faults. That no matter what I do, I'll never be able to overcome my mistakes. That in your eyes, I'll never be good enough. To you, I'll always be tainted.”

His best friend shook his head. “That wasn't my intention. It's just that Amelia—”

“I know.” Simon cut him off. “It's just that Amelia will always be better than me. And you're right, I see that now. I would die if she ever looked at me like I was the kid who got locked in a cellar. A girl like her? Well, she deserves a man who is much better than that.”

There was nothing left to say. He turned to walk away.

“Wait.”

“
Nee
. I think it's time I stopped waiting.” He sighed. “I'm going to head back to work now. I'll do the best I can, like I always do. But I need to let you know that I'm going to start looking around for another job.”

“You don't have to do that.”

“I do. You see, I got to see my sister for the first time in ten years yesterday.”

“Tess? How is she?”

“She's beautiful. She's happy. Successful. And she made me realize that anything is possible if I believe it. I wanted to be here in Charm, Lukas. I wanted to work at the mill. I wanted to grow old here, to go fishing with you. To laugh. And, though it pains you to hear it, I wanted more than anything to have Amelia. I've loved her for years.”

“You love Amelia.” Wonder laced Lukas's voice. “You really do.”

Simon couldn't believe that his best friend hadn't believed that until now. Had Lukas really thought so little of him?

“I can't stay and watch some other man take my place,” he said. “I can't watch some other man court her and kiss her. I certainly ain't going to watch some other man marry her. I . . . well, I just wanted you to know.”

There were tears in Lukas's eyes now. Tears. “Maybe I was too hasty. Maybe I was being stubborn and controlling and stupid.” He shook his head. “
Nee,
that ain't right. I know I was,” he added, his voice hoarse. “Please, don't leave.”

“It is too late. According to you, what's done is done.”

“I was wrong.”

“Does it really matter? You, Lukas Kinsinger, have single-handedly done what no one has been able to do since I was fifteen years old. You made me feel worthless. And, well, I simply cannot go through that again.”

He walked away, wondering if anything he said sank in. Or if it even mattered at all.

L
UKAS KNEW HE'D
made a great many mistakes in his life. He'd never considered himself perfect or even close to that. But there had been few times in his life when he'd felt like he'd caused another person pain. He felt that way now.

Feeling as if he was walking in a fog, he strode down the hall toward Amelia's hospital room, mentally reviewing every word that Simon had said.

Had he really been that close-minded?

Yes. He had.

Had he truly been that cruel?

Absolutely.

Spying an empty, open room along the way, Lukas darted into it and leaned against the wall.

“Dear
Got,
what do I do now?” he whispered. “I have cast judgment on a good friend when I know that only You and You alone have that right. I have pushed aside a friend's needs because I was only concentrating on myself and my fear. And now I'm going to have to face those consequences with my sister, whom I only sought to protect but still managed to hurt. What do I do?”

Closing his eyes, he swiped the tears that leaked from them, took a ragged breath, and waited, half hoping that he'd hear the Lord's whisper assuring him that things weren't all that bad and that it would be just fine.

But of course he didn't hear that.

He didn't hear any advice, either. He felt nothing. Only the sharp sting of regret.

Turning back to the hall, he walked to Amelia's room with leaden feet.

She was staring blankly into space when he crossed the threshold.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Do you really want to know?” she returned, her voice bitter.

Amelia was wearing an expression he'd never seen before, one he hadn't even known his little sister was capable of wearing. Coming to terms with the fact that he had seriously misjudged his friend, his sister, and his role as her brother, Lukas forced himself to answer her question as he approached. “I do.”

“All right, then. I'm upset. And disappointed. And frustrated with myself.”

Those were not exactly the responses he'd been expecting. “I thought you were going to be mad at me.”

“Why would I be mad at you? Could it be because you interfered in my life and kept it a secret?”

Okay. She was mad. Really mad. Though there wasn't a lot he could say to make amends, he had to try. “Amelia,” he began tentatively, “you know—”

“I'm not feeling real eager to hear what you have to say right now, brother.”

“You are right,” he said quickly. “I shouldn't have interfered. But I only wanted to protect you.”

“But you didn't protect me. You did the opposite.”

Unable to face the judgment in her eyes, he looked away. He sat quietly, waiting for her anger. It was no less than he deserved, and he was determined to bear it in silence.

But after another minute, all Amelia did was release a ragged breath.

“Lukas, when I get home, I'm not going to be able to help you all that much until I get used to this cast on my leg.”

“I don't expect you to do anything but rest and heal. Darla
and Rebecca and I will step in. Everything is going to be fine.”

“It won't be fine. Not yet, anyway.”

“There's nothing more that we can do,” he said soothingly. “Your body needs to heal. And it will. We'll simply take things one step at a time.”

“Lukas, I want you to write to Levi and tell him to come home now.”

He blinked. “But Levi—”

“And don't you tell me that you have no idea where our brother is. Levi was confused and restless, but he ain't stupid. He would never leave without giving you a note or writing to tell you where he is. He has written, hasn't he?”

He wouldn't have thought it possible, but she was making him feel as guilty as his father used to during a long lecture. “He wrote one letter,” he admitted. “I asked him to keep me informed about where he was.”

Those blue eyes of hers flashed. At him. “So now the truth comes out yet again. Another bit of information that concerns me that you didn't deem worthy of sharing.”

“I wasna trying to keep anything from you. I was honoring a secret. Levi asked me to keep his whereabouts to myself.”

Her expression turned flat. “You chose to honor Levi's secret, even though he left all of us. Even though I've been home, working on the farm and house by myself all the time. You were loyal to his wishes. Not mine.”

“I didn't think it would help you if you knew.”

“You didn't? I see. It seems like you've been making a lot of decisions on my behalf lately, Lukas.”

He was starting to panic. “Amelia, years ago, Simon told me some things about his past. I thought it might upset you. However, until today, I didn't know his whole story. Now that I do, I realize that I judged him too harshly.”