Che, Larissa is gone. Without a note or a goodbye she’s left us; left me for someone else, and unfortunately I fear she’s left us for good. The money I’m sending you is from the sale of her car, which she clearly no longer needs. I’m sure she’d want you to have it. Please don’t sell your
kidney, Che, even though I know a wonderful woman who could really use it. You need both your kidneys. After all, you now have a baby to take care of. You’re welcome to come and stay with us any time you want. You’re always welcome, and I sincerely mean that. I enclose cash for you and the baby for two first-class tickets.
Jared
PS. If by chance you see her, tell her that no matter what, she is still and will always be the mother of my children.
Her throat constricting, her fingers trembling, Larissa carefully put the note back in the envelope. She was right. Breakbone fever would’ve been preferable.
“The money is still here,” she said dully. Four thousand dollars—in cash!
“Of course it’s here. Che hasn’t come back.”
Larissa looked out the screened window into the front yard. Three small boys were playing soccer in the street. It was busy in late afternoon, teeming, women carrying shopping, men coming back from work, children returning from school or sports. Yet inside was like sanctuary. Four hundred thousand people in Paranaque, eleven million in Metro Manila, yet inside was like the secluded abbey in Mount Athos in Greece, splendid in its exquisite isolation.
“Nalini dreams of going to America,” Father Emilio said. “She is convinced when her mother returns, they will go and live in the place the ever-loving nuns keep telling her about. The place with snow.”
“Does she know what snow is?”
“No. I tell her it’s white and cold, but she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t even understand what cold is. It doesn’t get below seventy here on the equator.”
Larissa held on tightly to the money in the envelope. “But
you and I know Che is not coming back. She could’ve been released long ago and died in Mindanao forests on her way here. We will never know.” She paused. “Please don’t look at me like that, Father. We already talked about this. Che is not me.”
“You are alive. You remain.”
“Yes.”
“Larissa,” Father Emilio said, stretching out his hand to her. “There’s money in your hands for two tickets back to the United States.”
“Yes.”
“Go back home.”
She jumped up.
He jumped up, too, grabbing hold of her arms. “Go back home,” he repeated imploringly. “And take the little girl with you.”
“Please let go of me—please…”
“Your husband owes nothing to Che or her daughter, yet he sent them money, to change their life, to help them. That’s the kind of man he is. He owed them nothing, yet he helped them. Don’t you think he would do even more for you?”
“No! He will kill me.”
Father Emilio shook his head. “A man who sends fifty thousand dollars in bail money to the Philippines to help the wayward rebel boyfriend of his wife’s childhood friend, is not the man who will do that. He will help you.”
“Please,” Larissa whispered. “Let go of my hands…”
Father Emilio let go.
“There’s no bringing it back. There is no reliving it.” She put her hands over her face. “Who would take me back now?”
“Your husband would. Nalini adores you, Larissa. And she desperately needs you. She shouldn’t live in an orphanage.”
“They love her here.”
“She needs a proper home, you know that.”
“Father…Che could come back any minute. And Nalini won’t leave without her mother.”
“You just said for the tenth time you were certain Che wasn’t alive. And Nalini will leave with you in a second. To America? To Nutella? In a second.”
Larissa vehemently shook her head.
“Don’t you know how much she wants to be with you?” Father Emilio continued intensely. “She follows you around because she is afraid you will leave her, too.”
Larissa shook her head. “Don’t say that.
Please
.”
“And if Che comes back,” Father Emilio went on with rapid-fire passion, “I will make sure she gets to you and Nalini, wherever you are.”
“There won’t be any money left.”
“You have my word,” said Father Emilio, “Che will get to America.” He beseeched her with his steady gaze, blinking compassion at her, kindness.
“Jared will never forgive me,” Larissa said, casting her eyes away.
“He will. Didn’t you read his letter?”
“Father, I’ve done an unforgivable thing…”
“There is no such thing.”
“What are you talking about? Of course there is.”
“There is
no
such thing,” Father Emilio said firmly. “You think you’re above God’s forgiveness? That’s what Judas thought. No one is above it.”
“I’m above Jared’s.”
He raised his questioning shoulders. “I’m not saying your marriage is intact. I’m not even saying that your husband is in the same place. You wouldn’t want him to grieve for you all these years, would you? You wouldn’t want your family to suffer? You’d prefer they moved on, found relief, am I right?”
“Of course.”
“In the context of that new life, the man who sent fifty
thousand dollars to a stranger will not turn away the mother of his children. Married people are bound by Divine law forever.”
Haltingly Larissa breathed. “How can I be forgiven?” She whispered.
“You have to want it, you have to ask for it, repentance is first. But how can you be
not
forgiven? If Jared forgives only what is forgivable, what kind of forgiveness is that? Excuse me, but that’s not forgiveness, that’s justice. And you will not be judged till the end of your days. So you have some time. Forgiveness is precisely forgiving the unforgivable.”
Larissa shook her head; she wanted to put her hands up, cover her ears from the terror.
“I know you’re disheartened. I see you every day. I’ve spent much time with you, watching the tides of your sorrow,” said Father Emilio, his hands on Larissa’s shoulders. “But, Larissa, catch sight of yourself, catch sight of your brave and strong soul, of your need for regeneration! You’re not doomed, you’re blessed! God takes hold of your heart and He gives you a new heart. Open your eyes and see grace everywhere, inside you and outside you. It’s solace you seek, and comfort. Remember what Nalini said.
Are the consolations of God small with thee? No, very great
. You are a child of God. You have a soul, that holy of holies, which is your true value. You are to live forever.”
“You’re frightening me much more than you intend, Father,” said Larissa, clenching her hands against her chest, her blood pounding in her face, her legs clammy.
“You are the essential missing piece in the swirling center of your own life, you are the integral element!” Father Emilio exclaimed. “It won’t come to you. You must enter into your own salvation. But grace
always
flows into the emptied soul that’s crying out to be delivered. Grace is waiting for you. I know it. All you have to do is say yes.”
Barely able to move her lips, Larissa whispered, “Can I think about saying yes?”
“Promise me you will?”
“I promise you I will.”
“Listen to me,” said the priest, “I know that your time here is running out. Your ticket is coming up. Now your husband has offered you another way, rather than back to Australia, where things may be at a dead end. But even if you don’t take his offering, you have another way. You’re loved here. The nuns, the children deeply care for you, your bread pudding and your plays and your hopscotch. You have become a vital indispensable part of our small community. You bring a smile to everyone,” Father Emilio said, “even when you are moping.” He smiled lightly. “I won’t even talk about what you mean to Nalini. Because you know. You’ve made our lives better by your presence here with us, Larissa. As I suspect you had in your American life.”
She bowed her head. “Perhaps. You’ve given me so much to think about, Father. I promise I will think about everything. I’ll figure it out.”
“I hope so,” said Father Emilio.
A week went by.
“Father,” said Larissa, coming into the rectory. She used her dramatic training to still her hands so they didn’t fidget on her lap. “I’ve thought very carefully about what you said. You’re completely right. Of course, I will do as you suggest. I will go back to New Jersey. It’s a good idea. And Nalini, I know, will be happy to visit with me, even if we don’t stay for long, because truthfully, I really like it here in Moonwalk with you and the children and the nuns. I feel comfortable here, Father. So. I want to take her with me, and would like to take her, and will, as you suggest.”
Father Emilio sat. He didn’t speak.
“But here’s the thing.” Larissa cleared her throat, smiled her big toothy smile, her blinking eyes on his motionless face. “Kai will be waiting for me in Sydney tomorrow. He is picking me up. I know things have been odd with us, stressful, and he hasn’t written often, and we haven’t spoken, but that’s because he’s been working so hard, earning money for us, and with the time difference, and my work here, it’s been hard to communicate. But frankly I just don’t feel it’s right to leave him standing in the airport, after he’s traveled two thousand kilometers to meet me in Sydney. It’s just not right. I can’t be correcting one wrong by making another.” She shook her head. She banged her chest. “In here, it just
feels
wrong. So what I’d like to do, with your approval, is fly back, meet up with him, and have a conversation, and make sure,
sure
, we’re on the same page and want the same things, but you are absolutely correct, I can’t continue with him unless I know that we’re both square with each other and are traveling together. In any case, if it ends, I want to end it with him properly, decently. I don’t want one more thing on my tattered conscience. I want us to meet, to talk, to finish, if that’s what we must do, with dignity. I owe him at least that, don’t you think? He deserves that simple human decency, don’t you agree? And then I will come back right away, and Nalini and I will pack up and fly back to the States. I’ll bring her some beautiful summer dresses from Australia. Sydney has some lovely shops for children.”
Father Emilio sat. He said nothing.
“It’s wrong to just skip out, leave someone standing in the middle of the airport, in the lurch like that, waiting. You know, Father?” Swallowing, Larissa continued quickly. “Here’s another thing, though…I’ve been with you for three months, working, completely voluntarily, of course, but as you know, I’m a little bit broke, and so I was wondering, about Jared’s
money…you know, Nalini and I don’t need to fly first class, and Jared left enough money for first-class, which we really don’t need, we’ll be fine flying coach, Qantas gives you lots of leg room now and DVDs with your flight, and good meals, we’ll be fine in coach, so I was wondering if I could take a little bit of my husband’s cash, because Kai and I have some debts on the other side that haven’t been paid, and I just want to make sure I have all my pegs in a row, and nothing outstanding. I don’t want to leave indebted to anyone, you know? Because that would be wrong. So…do you think I could take, um, a few hundred dollars?”
In the only gesture he made, Father Emilio pointed to the safe, ajar behind him. Getting up, she hurried gingerly, pulling out the envelope, looking inside, handling the crisp unused hundreds. He didn’t turn around in his chair to watch her. He continued to sit, his fingers pressed together in prayer, facing the windows to the street.
“Thank you so much,” she said, putting the envelope back in the safe. “Thank you for your understanding, Father. I’m just going to take…if you don’t mind, I’ll take two thousand, and what I won’t need, I’ll bring back, and this way, two thousand is left, which is plenty for two tickets, more than enough. Thank you so much.” Rolling up the money, she stuffed it into the leg pocket of her khakis. “Well, if there’s nothing else, I appreciate your understanding, and I must run, because it’s nearly lunchtime and the fish adobo needs to be warmed up, and the bread put in the oven.”
Go back. The return. Reversal. You left, jumped ship, and are now floating back to the Jersey port, to the town of Summit. You look around and suddenly the place you left has dignity, simplicity, grace! It’s all the things you need, you want. Return of the native. Return of the prodigal son. You kiss the furniture, lie down on the wooden floor, beg for that elusive forgiveness, you scrub your life with your own two
hands, saying, this is all I want, this is all I want, this is all I want, you chant home home home from the roof of the homestead.
And then…
You’re not home home home thirty minutes before you drive to the local Dairy Barn for milk and a sentence of conversation with the insipid cashier makes you realize that you need to
run
not walk back into the well of the Summit train station, and not even ask where the next train takes you, just wait for the doors to open, jump inside, press yourself to the window, and thank all the Southern Cross stars that you barely escaped the plodding slog of your inevitable asphyxiating life.
“One more thing.” Larissa turned to Father Emilio when she was already at the door. “Nalini is so close to me, as you well know, and I can’t find the words to explain to a five-year-old what I need to do as a grown-up. She won’t understand, and I fear she’s going to break down if I tell her I’m leaving, even for a couple of days. I desperately don’t want her to get upset. Could you…do me a favor, Father, and please…”
“Don’t worry,” said Father Emilio. “I’ll take care of Nalini.”
Abandoned love. Eros. The hurricane of two souls.
We go through life praying it will never happen to us.
We go through life praying that it will.
6
Land of the Dry Lakes
H
e wasn’t even there! He wasn’t at the airport, he wasn’t waiting for her. Obsessively she called the only number she had for him, called it over and over. She had arrived in Sydney in mid-afternoon, and it wasn’t until five in the evening that the phone was finally picked up.