Authors: Billie Green
She glanced around the room in confusion, feeling that she was forgetting something vital, Something was missing.
"Well..." She didn't know what to say. There was nothing left to say. She glanced up at him and met the green gaze for the last time. "Goodbye, Daniel."
She had walked the length of the pool when she heard the back door open.
"Amanda."
She turned in alarm, imagining she heard panic in his voice. But he didn't hurry as he walked toward her. When he drew closer, she frowned at the expression on his face. An intense inner struggle seemed to be taking place.
"What is it?" she whispered.
"I—" He stared up at something beyond her, shoving a hand through his hair. "I just wanted to say thank you for everything you did."
She nodded, unable to respond. The silence between them drew out, then, shoving his hands in his pockets, he said, "I'll get my lawyer on the annulment. I'm sure there won't be any problem."
She forced herself to smile. "That's good." Inhaling deeply, she said, "Goodbye," and walked away.
Chapter Eighteen
Amanda pulled the convertible out into the late-afternoon traffic. She liked this job, she thought as she swerved to avoid a lane hopper. Being a bookkeeper for a printing company wasn't exactly an exciting job, but then Amanda didn't need excitement. Not after Greenleigh.
In the four months since Ted Sutherland's arrest, a lot had happened. Greenleigh had been sold and was now a training camp for professional wrestlers, something she was sure could only happen in California. There was still an occasional article about Ted. His arrest had been explosive. There had even been speculation that he had killed his wife by the same method he had used on the Special Ones. But since she had been cremated, no one would ever know for sure.
It would be quite a while before he even went to trial, much Jess to prison. His lawyers could keep him free for years before a final decision was reached. Fresh news had taken his place in the headlines. Everyone was forgetting; everyone except the ones who were involved.
Amanda wasn't a vindictive person, but she couldn't stop thinking about the ones who had died. Daniel could have been one of them.
Not a day, not an hour, went by that she didn't think of him, as she thought of him now. She kept waiting, knowing that someday the pain would go away. Someday she would stop dreaming of him, stop wondering what he was doing at that moment, stop wishing the annulment had never gone through.
She pulled into the covered parking area that belonged to her apartment building and stepped from the car. Inside the apartment, she walked to the bedroom, removing her clothes mechanically before pulling on a cotton robe.
She knew she should eat, but never seemed to have an appetite anymore. Back in the living room, she flicked on the television set, then curled up in a chair, her eyes unseeing as she stared at the box.
Turning her head toward the front door, she listened carefully. She could have sworn she heard a noise. The neighbor's cat occasionally visited, and suddenly she realized she would very much like his company tonight.
Walking to the door, she opened it, then froze.
Daniel was two steps away from her door, leaving. He turned and stared at her with those brooding green eyes.
"Hello, Amanda," he said quietly.
Just the sound of his voice made her weak. She felt her heart pounding in her breast. Her nails bit into her palms as she smiled and said, "Daniel.
"I...I didn't hear you knock," she said, hiding her trembling hands in the pocket of her robe. "I thought you were the cat."
He smiled. "I'm not."
She shook her head. "What am I thinking of? Come in and sit down," she said, waving a hand toward the couch. "Why don't I fix some coffee? I don't know about you,-but for me, it's been a long day."
She could have kicked herself. She sounded like a nervous schoolgirl. By the time she returned with the coffee she felt almost-certain she could get through this meeting without falling apart.
He was sitting where she had left him, his gaze traveling around the room, stopping occasionally to study a book, a painting. When she approached the couch, he stood and took the tray from her, placing it on the coffee table. Neither of them moved to pick up the coffee cups; they merely sat in silence, staring at each other.
"Did—"
They both spoke at once, then stopped shortly to allow the other to go first.
"This is silly," Amanda said, laughing softly. "We went through a lot together. There's no reason we should be awkward with one another."
He simply stared at her for a moment, then said, "I guess you heard about Sutherland?"
She nodded. "And Kyle?"
"The Italian authorities were waiting for him at the Rome airport. He's been in an Italian prison for two months," he explained, glancing down at his hands. "I'll keep trying to get him out because I owe it to Dad, but there's just not much I can do."
Amanda said nothing, but she was glad. It was right that Kyle should pay for what he tried to do. She simply hadn't wanted Daniel involved in the decision.
"How have you been?" he asked quietly, pulling her gaze back to him.
"Fine," she said, smiling. "Just fine. I've got a new job. It's nice and doll. Oh, and I saw Ginny—she was a nurse at Greenleigh. She is still pretty upset about everything, but she has Paul now. She said that Virgie and Peter—you don't remember them, I guess—are engaged." She shifted in the chair. "Let's see, I'm trying to get in touch with John J. Pike, but no one seems to know where he is."
She closed her eyes tightly. It hurt. They had nothing to talk about now. Swallowing heavily, she opened her eyes.
"And you," she said, her voice subdued. "How have you been, Daniel?"
Rising suddenly, he walked to the window that overlooked the parking lot. "Not so well."
"Are you ill?" she asked, her heart racing in panic.
He swung around to face her. Her pulse began to race like crazy when she saw the hunger in his eyes as he examined her face. "I really didn't have time to tell you... to tell you how much I appreciate you getting me out of that place."
She shook her head. "That's not necessary."
"But it is... for me." He ran a hand through his hair. "You unraveled a ball of twine for me to follow out of the maze. I know what you did, and I'll never be able to repay you."
She bit her lip to keep from screaming. She didn't want to hear this. There were things she wanted from him, but not one was his gratitude.
After a moment she glanced up at him, then frowned. Perspiration stood out on his forehead. Something was troubling him deeply. Something desperate was pushing him:
"I had a dream last night," he said. "You and I were beside a pond and you were telling me a story." He laughed, unaware of the way she tensed. "That sounds stupid, but in the dream it felt right. It was a story about a little girl who stayed in a box so that nothing frightening could get at her. But it also kept out everything that made life worthwhile." He rubbed his chin in what appeared a nervous gesture. "I couldn't get it out of my mind all day. And then I knew why. It was because I had also boxed myself in... and I had boxed out everything I care about."
He stared at her for a moment. "In the dream you told me that anytime either of us was afraid, we would find the other and confront the dragon together. Then I remember how you reacted when I said those words at the cabin... you told the story to Danny, didn't you?"
She nodded shortly, blinking back her tears.
"Maybe you said it to Danny in real life, but last night you said it to me." He inhaled harshly. "I need your help now, Amanda. I need you to help me face the dragon."
"Anything," she said, her voice harsh with emotion.
He smiled, a small, sad smile. "I hope you mean that." He turned away from her and for a long time he said nothing. Then he swung around to face her. "I'm not Danny," he said abruptly.
A wave of dizziness hit her as she stared at him in silent confusion. "What—" she began hoarsely.
"I'll never be Danny." The words were tight and hard.
"Daniel, I—"
"No! let me finish," he said, shaking his head vehemently. "I know you loved Danny. And I know I can never be what you loved. Damn it, I'm no good at this. I'm dying, Amanda." She sucked in her breath. "Not of a disease. I'm dying inside a little every day without you. All I want is a chance. I want you to get to know me—me, Daniel—and give me a chance. I think we could have something. I know I'm not exactly a prize. I'm moody and sometimes I seem cold, but—" he inhaled shakily "—but when I'm with you, I'm better. I'm more. Oh, hell, I just can't say it right."
How many times had she heard the same words from him at Greenleigh? But never before had they been so painful to her. Never had there been so much anguish in his voice.
"I would take care of you," he said quietly, breaking into her4houghts. "I'm rich. You could have anything you want. I would—"
"Don't," she said roughly. "Don't talk like that. Do you think I need a bribe to love you? You're blind, Daniel. My God, can't you see what's in my eyes?" She clenched her fists. "Yes, I loved Danny. But Danny was part of you. Part, Daniel. You're the whole. You're reality. Danny was open and enthusiastic ... and a child. I adored that part of you. But I love the whole."
As she watched him, a strange look came over his face, the same terror she had seen that day in his room at Greenleigh when it had taken five men to hold him down. He was afraid now just as he had been afraid then. Only now he was afraid of her. He was afraid of being hurt again.
Suddenly a great shudder shook him, and when he opened his eyes again, she knew that finally he trusted her enough to love her, enough to let her love him.
Taking two strides forward, he pulled her into his arms. She could feel him trembling as he buried his face in her neck. "God, Amanda. I love you so much, so damn much. But I didn't know how to make you love me. I was so afraid you would shut me out."
"You're crazy," she whispered, the words loving. "We're both crazy. We've wasted four months. I think I've always loved you." She framed his face with her hands, staring at him, loving every harsh line. "I just didn't know how much until you told me to leave you."
As he pulled her even closer, she wondered if he would ever remember all of what they had shared together at Greenleigh. Then she knew it didn't matter. She didn't need the past. All she needed was the intense, vulnerable man in her arms. All she needed was Daniel.
Chapter Nineteen
Amanda bent down to slip off her shoes so she could wiggle her toes in the sand. Bending wasn't such an easy thing now that she had to reach around the great pumpkin that was her stomach.
Straightening, she smiled as she placed a hand on her abdomen. Daniel's child, she told herself, her eyes dreamy.
The two years of their marriage hadn't been the elysian fields by any means, she thought, laughing aloud. Daniel would always be reluctant to share his feelings, even with her. The stronger the emotion, the more deeply he seemed to carry it. But when he did open up to her, when he came to her in the dark with secret words, it was worth any amount of waiting.
She knew without a doubt that she and this baby were the most important things in the world to him. He made her feel it every day in a thousand ways. The way his eyes changed when their hands accidentally brushed. The way his eyes sought her immediately when he entered a room. The way he reached for her in his sleep.
As she stood staring out at the ocean, she heard his footsteps in the sand and closed her eyes, savoring the anticipation.
When he drew nearer, she turned to him, then caught her breath at the look of wonder in his eyes. Joy burst wildly inside her when she heard him whisper softly, surely, "Mandy."