Authors: Rosemary Smith
‘Absolutely the right thing,’ I assured her. When she left I sat on the armchair by the fire arranging my lovely skirts around me and musing over what Kieran wanted to seek me out for and I was soon to find out for no sooner had I thought it than he knocked on the door and entered quietly. For some time he stood there looking at me before he spoke.
‘You look charming, Barbara,’ he said at last. ‘I hope that you will wear it often.’
‘If it pleases you, Sir I shall,’ I told him, hot colour suddenly suffusing my cheeks.
‘I would be most pleased if you would after all these weeks call me by my Christian name again,’ he said thoughtfully.
‘Kieran,’ I said out loud, letting the name fall from my lips like a caress.
‘It is so easy, isn’t it?’ he said laughing and I realised that he was right, I had used his name before, but not since our arrival at the castle. This surely was a step forward.
‘Are you comfortable in here, Barbara?’ he enquired, his eyes dancing around the room, his gaze resting momentarily on the bed.
‘I am very comfortable,’ I assured him.
‘There was no need for you to vacate the marital bedroom,’ he said and without preamble pulled a high-backed chair opposite me by the fire.
‘I’m sorry to say that there was, and it was on that condition that I didn’t leave Rowan the day poor Annabel was found. Did you love her? Annabel I mean.’
‘I realise now that I never did,’ he told me honestly, so my assumption had been right.
‘And what of Kerensa?’ I had to ask and he paused for some seconds before answering.
‘I have no love for Kerensa either,’ his words astonished me after the moments I had seen them together in the past weeks.
‘What do you feel for her?’ I asked quietly.
‘Compassion,’ was his simple answer. ‘And why is that?’ I asked him gently. ‘Because she loves me and I cannot return it. She is but a child still and vents her feelings on both me and Derrick. I play games with her to keep her amused and sane,’ he told me.
‘Are you saying she loves Derrick also?’ I asked softly.
‘Yes indeed she does, but my brother will not indulge in her games, he is too serious about everything,’ he answered.
‘And here was me thinking that Derrick was the humorous one and you the serious one,’ I said laughing.
‘Beware Barbara, for first impressions can often be deceiving and lead you into danger. Beware of my brother for he is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.’ Kieran was serious as he spoke and I thought back to the incident in the corridor a few days ago, but I would not tell my husband for fear of causing trouble.
‘I will heed your warning, husband,’ I said, praying all the while that he was indeed my legal spouse.
‘Do you like it here at Rowan Castle?’ he asked unexpectedly.
‘I love it and can’t wait for the spring to arrive so we can go walking in the gardens,’ I began, secretly wondering at the same time if this would ever be possible.
‘Your dream sounds idyllic. I must apologise for the way I have treated you since our marriage, I am very unhappy about the way Annabel ended her life, but let us talk no more of it for now at least. I sought you out to tell you something.’ Here he paused and lent forward in the chair, his hands hanging loosely between his knees and his head bowed, then he lifted his head and looked me in the eye before continuing. ‘The hearing regarding our marriage is to be held tomorrow. We are both to attend.’
‘And what time is this?’ I asked him and I realised that the time of reckoning was nigh.
‘Not until two pm. I apologise that you are to be put through this ordeal, but due to my own stupidity I have brought this situation about for which I apologise profusely.’
‘I accept your apology, Kieran. We shall face it together,’ I assured him, for I could see he was repentant. As Kieran left me he looked back as he stood by the open door and said, ‘I shall pray tonight for our future, little one.’
As I lay in bed that night the sobbing started again, but to solve that mystery I would have to wait until after tomorrow and I too silently prayed that all would be well for my husband and I; for I realised even more how much I loved and adored him, and I knew in my heart nothing would change it.
After breakfast the next morning there was great excitement when my gowns arrived from the dressmakers. Megan was waiting for me when I came out of the dining-room.
‘Your dresses have arrived, mistress,’ she told me and I walked up the staircase with her as anxious as she to see them. When we entered my room I could see they had been laid across my bed in a profusion of colour, walking across I looked at them hardly believing they now belonged to me.
‘We had best hang them in the wardrobe, Megan,’ I told her my voice aquiver.
‘Aren’t you going to try one on, mistress?’ Megan said with disappointment in her voice.
‘Of course I will,’ I agreed, picking up the beautiful turquoise silk ballgown.
‘Let us hang this first for it is special,’ I said, all the while wondering if I would ever have cause to wear it, which brought to mind the hearing this very day. Megan and I were laughing while I stood in a pale lemon gown with a high neck and long sleeves, the lace of which fell over the back of my hand.
‘You look lovely, mistress,’ said Megan walking around me admiring the fullness of the skirts.
‘I agree,’ said Kieran’s voice from the doorway. Megan and I had been so distracted by the beautiful gowns that we had not heard the door open.
‘I’ll leave you, mistress,’ said Megan as she looked at the master, so saying she gave a brief curtsey to Kieran and scuttled from the room closing the door behind her.
Kieran stepped farther towards me, surveying me as he did so, ‘I’ve come to ask if you’ll walk with me around the outside of the castle,’ he began, ‘for it is a pleasant enough day for late February.’
‘I would like that very much, but I shall need to change my gown,’ I told him.
‘No, please stay as you are for you look exquisite.’ And I realised that my hair was escaping its pins, so swiftly I went over to the dressing table and rearranged it as best I could with trembling hands. This was indeed a surprise and a very pleasant one that Kieran should seek me out.
‘I’ll need my shawl,’ I told him, searching through the chest of drawers. I found it easy enough as there was very little in there. ‘I am ready.’ I told him and so it was that Kieran and I walked down the main staircase of Rowan Castle together for the first time. I felt proud and elated as Mrs Burnet crossed the hall.
‘Good morning, master, good morning, mistress,’ she greeted us as she went about her business and then Kerensa crossed the hall in front of us dressed in a lovely beige-coloured riding outfit.
‘And where are you two going together?’ she asked rudely.
‘It is hardly your business, young woman,’ said Kieran light-heartedly, ‘but we are going for a walk.’
‘You’d be more suited to come riding with me. I intend to ride out to the beach at Abermenai Point with Derrick, I can’t imagine what has happened to you, unless you are in love?’ As she spoke she threw me an indignant glance.
‘Play your games somewhere else, Kerensa,’ Kieran said dismissing the fact she was there completely and taking hold of my arm in his.
‘How could you dismiss me so easily after all the years I have loved you?’ she wailed. ‘You have no idea how much I care for you, she’ll never love you like I do.’
‘I’m sorry you feel this way, but I cannot return that love, we are more like sister and brother, this is what I feel for you, a brotherly devotion.’ As Kieran spoke the words I thought of the night I had seen Kerensa sat on Kieran’s bed. Had I dreamt it I mused, and the whole conversation had spoilt the joy of Kieran seeking me out to walk with me. We left Kerensa weeping in Derrick’s arms and as Kieran and I walked across the front of the castle I felt I had to be honest with him.
‘Kieran,’ I began, stopping at the same time and looking directly at his handsome face, ‘I have a confession to make.’ Here I hesitated, was I doing the right thing?
‘Confess then pretty lady,’ he said urging me to speak.
‘A short while after my arrival here I went to the door of your room to speak with you, the door was ajar and I could see Kerensa standing next to your bed, framed by the moonlight,’ here I paused, ‘which leads me to believe she has a great love for you.’ There, I’d said it, but what would be my husband’s reply? What he did say startled me somewhat.
‘I can honestly say, Barbara, that I have never loved Kerensa, but whatever she feels for me I have no control over it. As much as I have told her I cannot love her, she pursues me. I am at a loss to what course of action to take next. Do you believe me, little one?’ Kieran asked earnestly.
‘Yes I do,’ I told him honestly just as Derrick and Kerensa rode past us on their mounts, hers a lovely grey and Derrick’s a horse as black as thunder. He doffed his hat as he passed and I realised I didn’t know what to make of Kieran’s younger brother and wondered if I should tell Kieran about the incident in the corridor.
‘Can we continue our walk now, madam?’ Kieran asked as we both watched Derrick and Kerensa disappear out of sight down the driveway. ‘Or have you another confession to make?’ he said, his blue eyes twinkling.
‘Yes, I have,’ I told him and he laughed.
‘Then let us walk while you recount it or we shall both be too cold to carry on.’ So we walked and I told of the evening I had seen him with Kerensa in the hallway.
‘So why do you do these things? Have you such little respect for me?’ Here Kieran stopped.
‘I will answer that question after we have walked around the castle, for then I wish to show you something and explain it to you,’ he told me, so we continued our walk, he pointing out the marital bedroom to me and as we rounded the corner to the back of the castle he showed me the stables and introduced me to his horse, Lancelot.
‘A true knight,’ said Kieran laughing as I backed away from the overbearing presence of the great beast. ‘He will not harm you.’ and he called to David, the housekeeper’s husband, to bring a lump or two of sugar. ‘Now hold this in the palm of your hand and offer it to Lancelot,’ he instructed. The sugar lumps lay in my palm and slowly I moved my hand towards the horse’s mouth.
Lancelot was surprisingly gentle as he bent his head and took the sugar, his wet nose tickling the palm of my hand, I laughed.
‘There Barbara, you and he are friends already,’ said Kieran with mirth in his voice, for I must have looked petrified.
We carried on to the rear of the rose garden, the rose bushes had been pruned and appeared to be sitting waiting to flower and for the summer sun. My husband pointed out my bedroom high up in the wall.
‘The apartments next to you are unoccupied. It’s where my parents slept and where the nurseries are.’ As he spoke I wondered if I should confess that I had visited his mother’s room, but something stopped me from doing so for I felt it would upset him. We were at the far end of the castle now and I could see a delightful terrace which in the afternoon would face the sun.
Kieran led me up a couple of wide steps and we stepped on to the flag stones beneath our feet. It was like being perched on an island with a glorious view over the rose garden.
‘And here,’ said Kieran drawing me over to a large window, ‘is the ballroom.’ As I looked through the window and along to the others I could see that it was indeed the ballroom.
‘How perfect!’ I enthused for I could imagine attending a ball on a warm summer’s evening and coming out through the French windows to stand and look out over a riot of colour in the rose garden. Once more I thought how fortunate I was, which brought to mind our attendance at today’s hearing at Llanberis.
‘No sad thoughts now, Barbara,’ Kieran chided me, Tor I can see that something has caused the smile on your face to fade.’ Here he took me in his arms and looking down at me said, ‘Whatever the outcome of my foolishness is today, I promise that all will be well.’ Here he let me go when I had so longed for him to kiss me, but maybe he thought the time wasn’t right. ‘Now let us go back indoors for I promised to explain something to you.’
The French windows were unlocked and we walked arm in arm across the ballroom floor, standing together we looked at the picture of Rowan Falls.
‘It is beautiful.’ I uttered to myself more than to Kieran which caused him to look down at my face.
‘You don’t know how much it means to me that you love it, for I have loved it since I was a boy. The whole place has such natural beauty and I love the thunder of the water which rings in my ears long after I have left there, serving to remind me of its power.
‘And then it has many moods, in the summer when there is little rain the water cascades down in but a trickle compared to the thunder it emits after the rain and snow. You will see it in its many changing moods I promise you,’ Kieran assured me and for the second time in his company I felt safe as I had done when we visited the waterfall.
‘I do hope so,’ I murmured, ‘for I can almost imagine that we are there by the way you describe it.’
Now let us proceed to the lower floor where I have something to show you,’ he said steering me from the ballroom and down some steps which I had not noticed before. Suddenly we stepped into a dark panelled room, quite a small room and dark until Kieran lit a lamp which threw its light on a wall facing us where there hung a large portrait of a lovely young woman.
‘Who is it?’ I asked softly. Her white gown with flowers at the low neckline could almost be the fashion of the today. Blue eyes looked down at me, and the plump red lips were parted in a half smile. I was mesmerised by her beauty, I looked at Kieran for an answer.
‘It is my mother, painted when she first came to Rowan Castle as a bride over thirty years ago,’ Kieran told me and I could sense the emotion in his voice as he spoke the words.
‘And what happened to her?’ I asked gently.
‘To be honest, Barbara, I do not know for she didn’t die here. One moment she was here when I was ten years old and then she was gone and we’ve not seen her since. I’ve tried to find her, but in spite of lengthy investigations around the country I have never managed to locate her. She could be dead, but it is the not knowing which grieves me for I truly love her,’ he said and I laid a hand gently on his arm.
‘So what is it that you wanted to explain?’ I asked, for the portrait did not answer my questions.
‘I want to explain that when I married poor Annabel I thought I was in love with her, but since I met you I realise now what true love is. I married you because I didn’t want to lose you. I loved you from the first moment I set eyes on you in the library. But I suspected that being back at Rowan Castle I would feel a sense of guilt over Annabel, and I have. But my love for you has not diminished, in truth it’s grown since we came here, and I longed to tell you. The truth is I should have laid Annabel to rest before I married you. But I was so afraid I’d lose you, my only true love. Do you understand, dear heart?’ he said, pulling me into his arms.
Tears welled up in my eyes and we stood for many minutes in a loving embrace, with the first Annabel looking down on us. When we tore ourselves apart he took my face in his hands. ‘But now, I am praying that our marriage is legal for I have great respect for you, you have said what you feel and I admire you for that.’
Here he paused again. ‘The day you first came with the family to the chapel, I looked at you as you stepped into the hall looking every inch a lady as my mother would have done, and then that very same evening you played the piano so perfectly, you were as one with the chords. I was entranced, captivated and desperately in love all at once.
‘A feeling I’d never experienced until I met you, so I failed to understand it until our visit to Rowan Falls, and now if our marriage doesn’t exist, I shall find a way to woo you, so you will love me as much as I love you for I want to keep you here to love you and protect you as I should have from the beginning.
‘But maybe this was all meant to be, to make me realise my folly.’ He stopped, obviously exhausted from the emotion he had put into this declaration.
‘I...’ I began, but he interrupted me, placing his finger on my lips.
‘Let us say no more until after the hearing, let us see what the outcome is and what course we will need to take for I fear it may not go well.’
After lunch, while Megan helped prepare me for our visit to Llanberis, I mulled over all Kieran had told me. It had certainly been a morning full of confessions and had brought me to a greater understanding of the man I had married.
He seemed intent on doing the right thing and I admired him for his honesty, and the fact that he had told me that he loved me pleased my whole being for I knew without any doubt that this was the truth. Now we had to face some stranger who would decide whether we were truly man and wife.
I looked at my reflection in the full length mirror on my wardrobe which contained my beautiful new clothes.
The royal blue velvet suit with the fitted bodice to the neck and the full skirts with a small train suiting the austere occasion admirably. As I put my black gloves on and Megan helped me into my royal blue bonnet with a black band around the brim on my head she said to me, ‘I don’t know what errand you are on, mistress, but whatever it is I can tell it’s a right sombre occasion. I want you to know that I am proud to be your maid and look after you. You are a kind mistress and I,’ here Megan broke down in tears and I placed an arm around her, ‘and I hope, mistress, that nothing changes.’