A Street Girl Named Desire: A Novel (6 page)

“I only have a twenty, so—”

Nika cut her off and quickly snatched the bill from her hand.

“I'll bring back ya change,” Nika yelled on her way out the door.

Nika didn't come back that morning, and it was not her last early-morning intrusion. Nika began staying over at Hattie Mae's apartment every night, on the nights she came in at all. Over time, little things around the apartment—such as jewelry, money,
frozen meats, and, yes, even her daughter's pampers and Similac— would disappear. And there came a point when Hattie Mae could no longer ignore the spirit inside of her that was trying to tell her what was really going on. Being the Christian woman that she was, Hattie Mae was willing to go to the end to help the young girl. Hattie was sure that one day Nika would have the willpower to beat the devil within her.

After two months, Hattie Mae's valiant efforts to save Nika's soul wore thin. She decided to confront Nika one day after she went to change Desire and found that she had no pampers to do it with. She was from a time and a place before pampers were even available, and she simply went and got the sturdiest pillowcase she could find. She ripped it until she was able to get a piece that was the perfect size to fashion a cloth diaper out of. Desire adjusted to the change like any child would—she was calmed that a need had finally been met and went to sleep. After carefully swaddling the child in blankets and laying her in the crib, Hattie Mae sat in the kitchen and began what was sure to be a long night of waiting for Nika to return. She eventually heard a knock on the door, well after four in the morning.

“What you still doing up?” Nika asked as soon as she saw Hattie Mae at the door, with all of the lights in the house on behind her. The telltale signs of crack use were there: Nika sweated and fidgeted without even knowing that she did so. Hattie Mae stared into the wide, wild, hopeless eyes of the child she had pulled out of the snow and from the brink of death. She fought back tears as she forced herself to do what needed to be done.

“Nika, it's time for you to leave this house and never come back.” Hattie Mae stood strong in front of Nika, determined not
to budge. Nika dismissed her with a roll of her eyes. She walked toward the kitchen to find something to eat, but Hattie Mae grabbed her arm and stopped her.

“No, you don't need to take anything else from this house. You done took more than enough. You need to leave. Now.”

For so long, Nika had taken advantage of the fact that Hattie Mae would always be there, she couldn't immediately fathom the change. Despite the fact that she was high, she still respected Hattie Mae. She had the urge to push the old woman off of her, though in her current state she was probably too weak to do so. Hattie Mae's girth could have knocked her out cold. But Nika stood patiently, hoping that tonight she had just come home while Hattie Mae was in a phase that she only needed some sweet talk to come out of.

“I can't leave, Hattie Mae,” Nika said. “You know I ain't got nowhere else to go. Damn … fine, I'll stop coming in late. If you want me to act like a kid, I will. I'll be home and in the bed by nine o'clock. Is that fine with you, Mama?” She was proud of her sarcastic sass, but Hattie Mae was unmoved.

“This ain't 'bout a bedtime,” Hattie Mae bellowed. “This 'bout the fact that it's some people who don't want to be helped, no matter how hard folks try. I can't keep tryin no more. I'm starting to help you hold on to this devil and I ain't 'bout to do that. It's against my principles.”

“Your principles gonna see me on the street?” Nika's true colors came out as she exploded. “Your principles gonna let you kick somebody out ain't got nowhere else to go? Is that your fuckin principles?”

Nika lost control. She jerked her arm out of Hattie Mae's grip
and started toward the kitchen. Hattie Mae grabbed her again. Nika jerked her arm away again, this time even harder. Hattie Mae almost fell forward on the floor. This small slip did not deter Nika. She wasn't leaving without a fight.

“All right, you little devil,” Hattie Mae huffed. “If you want to fight me, then let's fight. And you might even win, this time. But I got something you ain't got on your side. I got God on my side, and He might not win this time, but He might win the next. Or maybe the next. But me and you gonna fight in this house. Every time you darken that door, you better put on some boxin gloves before you knock. You ain't gonna keep throwing this child back and forth through all your mess. I'm not gonna 'low it. Not in my house.”

Her words stopped Nika cold. Nika saw Hattie Mae as she had never seen her before. The old woman glared at her with her fight in her eyes. It was as if something inside of the old woman was stronger than she had let on. Nika became afraid, but she didn't want to leave.

“I ain't going,” she said, starting to cry. Hattie Mae rushed to grab her by the shoulders.

“Then we gonna have to fight,” she said, shaking Nika. “I want you out of my house. I don't want to see this spirit darken my door. I can't have this demon in my house. I can't do it no more!”

“I don't wanna fight, Hattie Mae,” Nika cried. She tried to wriggle out of the strong, bold grip. “I don't wanna fight you.”

Both women cried, and only one was sane. Hattie Mae finally spoke. “I don't wanna fight you either. You best leave on your own. I got your stuff in that bag by the door.”

Nika glanced and saw a small brown grocery bag that she hadn't noticed on her way in. It proved Hattie Mae meant business, because she had obviously thought about this. It was no spur-of-the-moment decision. Nika knew the old woman would fight her if it came down to that. She couldn't bear the thought of raising a hand to Hattie Mae, just like she couldn't bear the thought of the strength inside Hattie Mae pummeling her into submission. Defeated, she started toward the door. The only thing she could do was avoid a physical fight, and instead hit Hattie Mae where she knew it would really hurt.

“Don't think you keeping my baby,” she said as she grabbed the doorknob hard. “You forgot I'm the reason you got her in the first place. I'm go'n be the reason they take her!” She slammed the door so hard on her way out that several of Hattie Mae's framed family pictures shook off the wall. When Nika was gone and it was over, Hattie Mae noticed Nika had left her bag.

The fact that she was no longer welcome did not deter Nika from coming by at all times of the night, under the guise of seeing Desire. Each visit would end with Nika threatening to call ACS and have them take Desire away from Hattie Mae, who dreaded the thought and would always give Nika five or ten dollars just for her to go away.

The fiery reverend was drenched in sweat as he stood high and proud on the pulpit delivering his sermon, whipping the congregation into a rabid spiritual frenzy. Hattie Mae sat closed-eyed and smiling, praising Jesus for His favors and kindness as she clutched Desire in her arms. She was in a consecrated, sanctified
holy bliss when she felt the tap on her shoulder. She opened her eyes, and there stood one of the ushers.

The usher bent down and whispered nervously into Hattie Mae's ear, “Sister Evans, your granddaughter done showed up again. She's standing in the foyer.”

Only mildly annoyed, because at least Nika had come to church, Hattie Mae said, “Well, tell her to come in. She could stand to listen to God's word.”

The usher put her head down and said, “Hattie Mae, I … I don't think that's such a good idea.”

Hattie Mae gathered Nika must be so high that she was capable of making a scene. She sighed loudly and asked the usher to watch the baby. She hobbled toward the foyer doors, fully prepared to go through the motions of getting rid of Nika once again. She opened the door, and just as she thought, Nika stood in the corner of the foyer rocking back and forth as she waited. But something seemed different this time, something awfully different. Maybe it was Nika's sunken eyes and thin neck. Maybe it was the sneakers that she wore that looked three sizes too large and were obviously men's. But nothing was worse than the funk that emitted from her body. It clouded the foyer with a smell that was a combination of dried gutted fish and vomit. Hattie Mae could only shake her head in pity as she stared toward heaven for God's intervention.

“Nika,” Hattie Mae pleaded, “you can't keep goin on like this. You got to get on your knees and ask God to take the taste for that drug out of your mouth, baby. You got to—”

“Hattie Mae, please,” Nika yelled in frustration. “I ain't tryna hear that right now.” Her voice was so hoarse, she sounded like a
man. “I just come here to borrow some money 'cause I'm sick. I don't feel like hearing no preaching.”

Hattie Mae just looked at her as Nika's dead red eyes stared back. She shook her head.

“No, chile, I ain't givin you no more money. I told you, I can't keep helping you kill yo'self.”

“All right, then, we gonna see what happens when I call ACS to come get Desire from you. You gonna see how lonely and miserable it's gonna be without her.”

Unmoved, and tired of Nika's idle threats, Hattie Mae challenged her, for what she hoped and prayed would be the last time.

“I don't care what you say. I'm still not giving no more money!”

Nika looked in Hattie Mae's eyes and knew she meant it, the same way she had meant it the night she kicked Nika out of the house. Nika broke down in tears and begged as she tried to hug her. “Please, Hattie Mae, please … just give me ten—I mean … um … twenty dollars, and this be my last time, I promise you.”

Hattie Mae felt Nika's cold and crusted hands dig through her bra. She grabbed Nika's hand, and Nika was cold busted. In a panic, Nika continued in search of the stash. The fight that had been avoided the night Hattie Mae threw her out seemed certain to happen here and now. They struggled violently until Hattie Mae's Sunday dress and brassiere ripped wide open.

Nika screamed, “Just give me the motherfucking money!”

Exposed breast and all, Hattie Mae lifted up her huge arm and slapped Nika senseless across her face and screamed even louder, “I rebuke you, Satan, in the name of Jesus!”

Nika landed on the ground and looked up and saw Hattie
Mae's exposed bare breast as some of the sisters rushed over to cover her up. Hattie Mae looked down upon Nika and then at the money gripped in her own hand.

“If this money caused you to do what you just did, you can have it.” She threw the money on the floor. Nika scurried quickly to pick it up.

“But remember this,” Hattie Mae continued. “God bear my witness, don't you come back around here no mo unless you get yo'self together, 'cause this the very last time I'm giving you something.”

At that moment, and for the first time in a long time, Nika was ashamed. When she dragged herself up off the floor, the ominous silence was deafening. Whether out of disgust or pity, the hundreds of eyes that beamed on the poor wretched soul before them burned through her. Suddenly, the silence was interrupted by a shrill cry—Desire. Nika watched the sister hand her baby to Hattie Mae, who shushed and cooed her, rocking her softly in her arms. Fighting back tears, Nika slowly and cautiously approached the bundle held in Hattie Mae's protective arms. Nika extended her arms to Desire as she looked at Hattie Mae. Hattie Mae handed over Desire as Nika trembled with outstretched arms. She pressed her cheek to Desire's and softly began to sing:

“
Trouble in my way, I have to cry sometime, so much trouble, I have to cry sometime, but I know that Jesus … He will fix it, my sweet Jesus, He will fix it after while …
”

The reverend began singing the song softly, and the rest of the congregation followed suit. Nika handed Desire back to Hattie Mae. She wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. She took a deep breath and headed toward the door. She wasn't going to be
the “trouble in her daughter's way.” But the demon inside of her wasn't content to let the one who had rebuked her and separated them go without punishment. The demon inside of her was spiteful, even to the one who was responsible for her and her child being alive in the first place. She walked out of the church, determined that if she was going to have to continue to suffer, then she wanted Hattie Mae to join her. She needed to turn on Hattie Mae to satisfy the demon inside, the misery that wanted company. A few days after Nika walked out of the church, ACS came to Hattie Mae's house and ripped Desire out of her arms.

B
y the time Desire Mitchell reached thirteen she had become a professional foster child, having been placed in over thirty foster or group homes. For the most part, all of her caretakers considered Desire troublesome and incorrigible. Her assets were her resourcefulness and her street smarts. Despite the abuse and neglect she endured in foster care over the years, she had learned to adapt to hostile environments. It hardened her. No matter how much she was beaten by her foster parents, she would never give them the satisfaction of shedding a tear in front of their faces. There were only so many times they could beat her before she became numb.

She became a master manipulator, thief, and con artist,
learning to use her wits and fists to deal with whatever circumstances challenged her. And if need be, and always as a last resort, she would aim to kill. Desire had learned the art of spit razors— spitting out an Oxford razor that she kept stored in her mouth at all times. Her hidden secret could slash anyone who posed a threat. Desire even learned to eat and sleep with a razor in her mouth, and no one ever knew it.