A Street Girl Named Desire: A Novel (9 page)

The nurse had seen it all before, but never like this. For a child that suffered at birth unwittingly and without fault of her own,
only to suffer unimaginable pain that no child should have to bear, all because she fell through the cracks of human bureaucracy. In all the cases that she'd seen in her thirty-plus years, nothing, even this day, had had such a profound effect on her as the case with Nika and Desire Mitchell years ago.

Nurse Dixon was on fire.

“I know who you are,” she told Desire. “I was the nurse who tended to you when you were born. I remember your mother, like she was just here yesterday.”

The words felt strange coming from Nurse Dixon's mouth. For Desire, they hit even harder. It felt as if a searing piece of metal had pierced her insides. This was followed by an overwhelmingly warm and exciting feeling. But Desire did not want to show even an inkling of interest. She had been disappointed way too many times by people in her life pretending to care about her. She simply listened. She wanted badly to ask her how her mother had looked, why her mother had left her, and where her mother was now. But she couldn't bring herself to know any more.

Nurse Dixon didn't press Desire that day, but she looked her in her eyes and promised her that she no longer need worry about being placed in a group home.

“What, you gonna adopt me or something?” Desire asked.

Nurse Dixon smiled cunningly and answered, “No, but if God's willing, I know someone else who will.” Seeing Desire's confused expression, Nurse Dixon assured her that she had everything under control.

The next day, Mother Corley was at the hospital early. She rushed Desire to get dressed.

“Hurry up, I ain't got all day. I already missed a day of work and I ain't missing another.”

Just as Desire had finished getting dressed, Nurse Dixon entered the room, along with another woman. The nurse had a serious and concerned expression on her face. Desire quickly sized up the strange woman, relieved to know she wasn't from any of the social welfare agencies. She didn't have one of those stiff, fake smiles like the others. This woman beamed from the inside out as she stared at Desire.

Mother Corley looked at the papers in the nurse's hand. “Are those her discharge papers? I have to get to work.”

“No, ma'am,” Nurse Dixon announced. “Desire will not be leaving with you today.”

Mother Corley shook her head angrily. “Oh, no, I ain't missing another day of work 'cause of this child.”

“Ms. Corley, that is the least of your worries,” Nurse Dixon said. Everyone in the room was quiet and tense. Desire could sense that things were about to drastically change.

Mother Corley stood speechless. She turned her attention and anger toward Desire.

“You ungrateful little heifer. After all I did for you, you betray me?” The outburst showed her true colors. Nurse Dixon decided to get down to business after that.

“This is a paper relinquishing your custody of Desire, and the other one is a temporary order of protection to stay away from her until you appear before a judge,” announced Nurse Dixon.

Mother Corley fumed as she read the papers. Her ruse was up.
She did not even have a shred of integrity left to ask for forgiveness.

“Fine … keep her ass,” she spat. “She ain't worth having anyway. Who gonna want your thieving, black ass now?”

Nurse Dixon smiled. “By the way, I'd like to introduce you to Ms. Hattie Mae Evans … Desire's legal guardian.”

For a moment, all the women in the room were still. Then Hattie Mae could no longer contain herself as she laid eyes on the child whose life she had saved. She had given up all hope of ever holding Desire in her arms again, yet here she was, right before her. Hattie Mae walked over to Desire slowly. She looked at the bandage on Desire's head and the cast on her arm. She took a deep breath, then lifted the back of Desire's shirt. She stared at Desire's wounds, then closed her eyes to hold back her tears. She didn't want to imagine what had happened to Desire.

“She had that before she came to live with me, huh,” Mother Corley huffed. She was desperate for a way out, but there was none. Nobody responded to her as Desire allowed herself to unstiffen in the strange woman's arms.

T
ime had created an unfamiliar foreignness between the elderly woman and the child whose life she had saved. As Desire adjusted to her new environment, she and Hattie Mae seemed like strangers. Desire, still apprehensive, refused to unpack her things even though she had her own room. Miss Hattie stayed out of her way and didn't impose questions upon Desire. For her, it was simply enough to know that the girl now, again, had a loving, caring and safe place to live. She did try to constantly reassure Desire that this was her home and that she was welcome to anything in it. Desire would simply reply, “Yes, ma'am,” with a wide smile. Hattie Mae did not know if the girl actually believed
it yet. But she was determined to prove to Desire that she was for real.

One time, in the middle of the night, Hattie Mae was awakened by a slight noise coming from the kitchen. She got up to inspect. As she flicked on the kitchen light, Desire quickly closed the refrigerator door. She was holding something behind her back. She hadn't told Hattie Mae about how she was denied food—not just at Mother Corley's, but other foster homes as well. Hattie Mae saw the scared and guilty look in Desire's eyes as she tried to hide what she thought was thievery. Hattie Mae needed to let her know it was not just okay to eat here, but to not be ashamed of the need.

Hattie Mae smiled and said, “Have as much as you want, just wash out whatever you use.” She scrunched her face and continued, “Grandma Hattie don't like no roaches.” She winked and returned to her room.

There were other incidents such as this, where Desire resorted to behavior she had used to survive and found that Hattie Mae did not scold her for her actions. Desire spent many hours locked behind the door of her bedroom, and she never had to worry about Mother Corley questioning her about her need to be alone. She did not express much joy when Hattie Mae would bring her little presents: books, nice hair clips and bows and even pretty blouses and sturdy shoes. Sometimes, they both would merely stare at the television for hours, watching channel after channel. Desire never requested to watch anything special, though Hattie Mae always took the time to ask. Desire had not grown up knowing that she had the power of choice, and Hattie Mae simply let
her come to that realization in her own time. However, the peace and calm in the house slowly earned Hattie Mae a quiet respect from Desire. Desire did not know that this was the beginning of love.

Months after she had arrived, Desire became comfortable enough to ask about her mother. One night, out of the blue, over a plate of spaghetti, Desire simply asked, “Is it true that I was born in the street and that you saved me and my mother from freezing to death?”

Hattie Mae was speechless. She couldn't find the words to tell Desire the truth. She didn't know if she should lie or not. Furthermore, she was shocked that Desire even knew this information. But then Desire reached into her pocket and pulled out a wrinkled and yellowed newspaper article. She threw it on the table in the midst of their dinner. The headline read: “Mother, Fetus Near Frozen to Death on Harlem Streets.” She had found it earlier tucked inside one of the many Bibles Hattie Mae kept scattered throughout the house.

Hattie Mae stared at the article, then took a long gulp of the sweet iced tea she had made for dinner. She did not have to read the article to know what it said. She had read the words many, many times, committed them to memory on the long nights she had had to pray herself out of worrying about Desire. Desire continued to glare at her, forcing Hattie Mae to finally speak.

“Well, I guess it is 'bout time you learn your history, chile,” she said, rising to clear the table and rake their plates.

“Is this my history?” Desire pleaded. “This where I came from? This how I was born?”

Hattie Mae gripped the edge of the kitchen sink for the
strength she would need to explain the truth, and for the strength Desire would need to hear it.

“Desire,” she began, “yo mama loved you very, very much. Yo mama was a good girl who got caught up in bad things. She was in a terrible predicament. She had the devil inside of her and he wasn't leaving.”

She turned to find Desire's head bowed. She went back to the table and took Desire's face in her hands.

“But that don't mean she didn't love you, chile,” Hattie Mae told Desire. “That don't mean she didn't care. She tried to keep you, but them drugs just had her too tight. She had to give you up. And she gave you up to me. And then when I wouldn't 'low her to keep on killin herself, she got mad at me for trying to do what was best for her 'cause she didn't think it was best. She had the state take you away from me, but she ain't do it to hurt you. She did it to hurt me. But don't none of that matter now, 'cause God is good. The Savior always gonna win in the end. It took him some time, but he got you back to where you need to be.”

Everything in Desire wanted to be tough and strong. But this news was too much. How could her mother have really loved her if she had done the things that made Desire come into the world to nearly die in the freezing snow? How could her mother give her up if she had really wanted her? And how could her mother truly want her if she had torn her away from a good home and started the cycle of broken ones she had suffered through? She wanted to ask these questions of Hattie Mae, but couldn't find the words. She was blank as she tried to hold it together and soak in the news.

“We just gotta pray for her, chile,” Hattie Mae continued. “We
gotta pray that she out there taking care of herself, that she gonna be all right, that one day she gonna wake up and realize what she losing now by being out in them streets. All that ain't got nothing to do with you. She gotta do that for herself.”

Suddenly, Desire ran from the table. Hattie Mae was startled as Desire's chair toppled over. Seconds later, she heard Desire's door slam and loud music coming from the other side. Hattie Mae decided to just let Desire be that night, as she had on so many others.

Two months passed after Desire learned the truth of where she had come from. Desire was settled in at Hattie Mae's and enrolled in her first year of high school. Hattie Mae's only request of Desire was that she attend church with her every Sunday and go to school without fail. Desire agreed, but also asked to make a request of her own.

“Of course, chile, anything yo grandma can do. What is it?” Hattie Mae said.

Desire went to her room and immediately came back out and reminded her, “Now, remember, Hattie Mae—I mean Grandma—you promised me.” Hattie Mae looked at Desire with a wide smile and nodded. Desire turned toward her room door and yelled, “Tiah, you can come out now.”

Suddenly, the young girl that Desire had befriended from 42nd Street appeared. She walked timidly into the kitchen. She and Desire had continued to wild out in the streets, but now Desire faced the fact that it could be time to stop all that. She felt safe enough that she could try to change things in her life. Desire's
absence from the streets had affected Tiah terribly, since the girl had no one else to truly care about her. She had several older brothers but they were more concerned about the streets than her. For weeks, they had been meeting secretly. As Desire slowly pulled herself out of the gang's mischief, Tiah had become more desperate. She had begun asking Desire to sneak her into Hattie Mae's apartment in the middle of the night so she could have somewhere to sleep. She always left before dawn. It had been Desire's idea to see if Hattie Mae would let her stay permanently.

All smiles, Desire said, “Grandma, this is my friend Tiah. She ain't got nowhere to go.”

Hattie Mae was stunned as she stared at the girl in front of her. Tiah's shoes were battered and her clothes looked too small. Her hair had been sloppily done. Tiah shook so nervously, a whisper could have blown her over. Hattie Mae said nothing then. She needed to think about what she wanted to do. She simply grabbed Tiah's hand and brought both girls into her wide arms.