A Swithin Spin: A Princely Passion (21 page)

Antal had chosen a robe of the type Markis favored. He too had chosen his outfit carefully. The color of Antal’s robe was far lighter than the threads decorating Kilan’s clothes -- copper rather than bronze -- but no one would question whether he’d chosen it to match his features. He’d looked in the mirror, and he knew what Kilan saw as that uncertain gaze flicked up and down, studying him. He could tell by Kilan’s expression that he liked what he saw. Antal grinned. “We’re a matching pair,” he said, surprised when the statement clearly jolted the other man, but Kilan’s reaction only warmed Antal’s heart. Yes, they matched each other in more ways than their decision to dress well for this evening.

The first thought to go through Kilan’s mind was
flame
. The color of the robe somehow made Antal’s hair and eye color more striking. Kilan’s hair was like his brother’s in color and texture, and just like Markis, his hair, once removed from the braid, always hung straight. He’d seldom seen Antal without his hair braided. The time spent in the grove hardly counted. He’d been too distracted. Out of the braid, Antal’s hair contained a slight wave. The fabric of the robe shimmered, and so did Antal’s eyes and hair. Kilan didn’t know if the effect was natural or a result of lantern and candlelight reflecting off the metallic threads in the robe. He cared less what caused it, just that something did. All his brain and other parts of his anatomy were telling him that the sight was a very beautiful one indeed. The idea of flames was inaccurate. Flames were red, orange, yellow, and white, but the color made him think of firelight flashing against dark metals, glowing. Something in Antal’s gaze made those amber eyes so persuasive, that stare so…
invasive.

“What’s happening here?” Kilan suddenly blurted out, quite unnerved.

“I’m almost as surprised as you are,” Antal said. He sounded a little breathy. That alone increased Kilan’s anxiety. If Antal wasn’t quite in control, then what hope did they have? This was madness.

“You don’t seem like the Antal I know or even the one I came to know in the grove.”

“But I am,” Antal said. “I’m all those things.” He took a step forward, cupping Kilan’s chin with his fingertips. “I’m also this.” He moved in, and Kilan closed his eyes for the kiss. His eyes closing brought some relief, but the moment their lips touched, he sensed something else. A tiny gold spark deep inside him flashed.

“The comet does recognize you,” Kilan said the moment Antal pulled back from a rather innocent kiss and he could speak again.

“I know. I can feel it too. I think… I think we need to mention this to Markis. I think anyone who wields the comet needs to think twice about whom he heals. I think the legend of Lewi contains some truth, but it could also be the way our ignorant ancestors explained the things they felt when they, unwittingly or not, carved a statue out of a comet.”

“I’ve been thinking the same thing. I’m not so concerned with that, though.”

“No?” Antal pulled back enough to look him in the eye. Kilan searched his gaze.

“No. I’m worried whether it’s affecting our feelings at all. Our…
desires
.”

“Ah.” It sounded as if Antal understood the full weight of Kilan’s concern. “I don’t think it is. Not in the way you mean. I can’t explain it, but I can sense the power in you when we’re this close. I sense the comet, but I don’t think it has influence on me. I’ve never understood it before, but you can tell me if I’m wrong. It’s almost a separate entity in some respects, but you’re still your own person? It’s part of you and yet separate too?”

Kilan nodded. “Something like that. It’s very difficult to define.”

As difficult as semaris
. He chased the thought away, determined to focus on the comet. Although he didn’t know how to explain how the comet felt or made him feel, hearing Antal even guess at that much somehow lifted the burden of it. Markis understood, but Markis was his brother and the king. Kilan needed someone to hold him occasionally in more than a platonic way.

“Have you ever felt that it could influence the world without your control?”

He had to think about that. Antal stood there, silently waiting. “No.” Kilan smiled in relief when he realized the truth of that. “It needs my cooperation. The wrong ruler could use it in despicable ways if he wanted. I don’t have to tell you that. If the comet was able to influence people, it would do more than guide those who could access the power.”

“I think so too. As for us, I think it recognizes us both, likes what it sees, and wants to play with us.”

“Maybe that’s what I find disturbing.”

“Are you sure that’s the only thing you find disturbing?”

Kilan looked into Antal’s eyes as the other man reached out. Antal looped a finger under the scarf and pulled it free. His gaze went down to stare at the collar beneath. “Tell me,” he said. “Tell me if you removed this at all today.”

For a moment, he couldn’t speak. He couldn’t have articulated the turmoil he’d been in all day if his existence depended on it. Finally, he opted for the simplest statement. “I didn’t,” Kilan responded truthfully in a quiet voice. He understood the underlying implication. The master was asking the supplicant if he’d obeyed. “I wore it all day…for you.”

“Are you afraid, Kilan?”

Oh by the comet, was he ever? He nodded. Moisture stung the back of his eyes, but he didn’t want to cry. They weren’t tears of pain or frustration or rage. Neither were they tears of joy. He didn’t know if he could do this, but after leaving Antal in the corridor, the rest of the day had dragged. Each hour had tortured him more than the last. Kilan couldn’t understand it. He was light-hearted, carefree, and altogether in charge of his destiny. Well, for the most part. Yet where Antal was concerned, he suddenly felt undeniably…
submissive
? He wanted to laugh, but he couldn’t. If he had looked forward to the evening, certain parts of his body absolutely rejoiced. His mind… His mind felt as if it would break apart, shatter. Every step on the way here had been difficult, but now…embarrassment fled. A strange peace took its place. He felt scared, but it wasn’t dread. In a way, his fear was even good and welcome.

“You know how to make this stop?”

Kilan nodded. There was a word he could say; he just wasn’t sure he would be able to say it. “Antal?” he said before things went too far, before he knew he would lose the ability to speak. “This isn’t like you. It’s not like me.”

Those amber eyes burned into his, making Kilan’s eyes sting. He wanted to turn his head away, close his eyes, maybe even turn his back or go so far as to leave the room and shut the door between them. Even then, some part of him felt sure he would continue to feel the force of Antal’s gaze.

“How do you know what I’m like? How do you know how I am in bed?” Antal murmured.

“I…don’t, not really. I just…always thought you’d laugh during sex. Be playful.”

“Oh, I can laugh. I can be playful.” The gentle smile that formed on Antal’s face softened the searing force of his stare. Kilan could breathe again. “I can also be serious.”

“You’ve done this before?”

“Semaris? Yes. Just never this seriously.”

Kilan clasped his hands into fists to stop them shaking. “Never this…” He shook his head. He couldn’t go through with this, yet he couldn’t walk away. “I’m afraid.” He hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

Sliding a hand around his face, Antal cupped the left side of Kilan’s cheek and chin. “Afraid of me?”

Kilan shook his head. Did he have to tell Antal he was afraid of himself, of what he felt? When he met the other man’s gaze, he realized how much Antal understood what he was going through. Antal
saw
him in a way no one else had, and it left him naked and vulnerable, stripped of every pretense. The feeling felt as horrid as it felt wonderful.

“I know,” Antal said. “I’m the one breaking the rules this time. I know we’ve skipped the formalities. We’ll get to them, I promise you.” That promise seemed laced with so much more than a pledge, but also with feelings. “We should agree on the limitations, and the duration, but I don’t think we’re there yet. Tonight… This is about us… I don’t know. Saying hello, maybe. Getting to know each other on a level we’ve never considered exploring. It feels…right, and that’s all I know. I think our limits and the time we take will somehow take care of itself. Does that make sense to you?”

It shouldn’t have, but it did. Kilan nodded.

“We’ll talk…afterward. This evening, somehow it’s about learning, for both of us. I want this with you,” Antal whispered as if he wished to give his words weight, make Kilan believe him. “I don’t know why, but you bring out this side of me, and I’m enjoying it. You seem to like it even though you struggle with it, and I like that you’re struggling. Even now, you’re standing there so undecided. I don’t know where this is going. I don’t know what we’ll want come morning, or next week, or next month, but I do know I want this night with you. I want this night, and I want to see how you and I feel about each other when the sun rises. I think it’s worth finding out, don’t you?”

Worth finding out, maybe, but Kilan wasn’t sure he could pay the price, because if they failed, there would never be another night. He didn’t know how he knew that, but he felt it. If they enjoyed their time together tonight, then they would negotiate, and that would mean a true semaris relationship. He didn’t feel certain he was prepared for that, but he wasn’t going to leave. If he was so unprepared, why had he come here in the first place? Antal stepped closer. His gaze hardened, not as burning as it had felt previously, but enough to make Kilan’s stomach roll over.

“I thought you wanted to let go of responsibility, Kilan. Let me take charge tonight.”

“You’re the one who’s supposed to take a break from being in control.” Kilan tried to step to the side, out of Antal’s reach. Antal caught him by the collar. One finger shouldn’t have contained enough strength to jerk him back into place, but obviously it did. Either that or Kilan truly was the perfect target for Antal’s desires. Why fight him?

“You hate responsibility, Kilan. Admit it.”

“I don’t exactly make it a secret.”

“Did you know you’re naturally suited to semaris in a passive role?”

Kilan stared at Antal, speechless. When he finally managed to speak, he started to argue. “Don’t be ridiculous!”

“You can’t avoid your obligations, but you can give up some responsibility, as much or as little as you want to, with me. Just as Ryanac has shown me I need to take time away from my duties, so do you. You’re more lucky than most. With the right partner, you can be submissive all the time where your love life is concerned.”

Kilan laughed. “Are you suggesting you’d be the right partner?”

Antal’s gaze darted from side to side, unnerving in its intensity. “I think so. I think I struggle to let go of control, and that this would be a way I could relax yet still have things my own way.”

“You see me as weak?”

“Ah, Kilan, no.”

“You must.” This time he truly felt close to tears, mildly disgusted with himself. “To recognize this in me, you must see me as someone weaker than you.”

“Semaris isn’t about weakness. The submissive partner always has a choice.”

“I know the theory!” Kilan snapped. Antal blinked at him, and Kilan softened his voice. “I know the
theory
. I just can’t accept that I…that I…” What was the use? “That I want this,” he admitted. “Something is telling me I shouldn’t want this.”

“Why?”

He understood Antal’s question. Sex was sex in all its forms. Being Swithin, he shouldn’t be thinking this way, but he was a Swithin prince. “I have to rule. Sometimes that scares me, but I
have
to rule.”

“I know you’d do your duty. I know you’d never run when needed. Hating responsibility doesn’t mean you’re incapable.”

Kilan struggled to decipher Antal’s meaning. “You think me capable?”

“Very. When Markis needed you, you did what he needed. You helped to save Uly. You suffered considerable pain in doing so, but you did it without complaint.”

“Not exactly,” Kilan murmured. Antal grinned.

“You did well. Accept it. Enjoy it. Learn to enjoy the unexpected.”

Kilan felt certain Antal was talking about the way things had unexpectedly progressed between them. He? In a semaris relationship? With Antal?

“Kilan, you profess to hate responsibility, yet you detest people telling you what to do. That in itself most people would see as a contradiction.”

Antal sounded a little too patronizing, a little too lecturing, but Kilan bit his tongue, prepared to listen to him.

“You fight just about every order everyone gives you. Your being insubordinate is a way of taking control of your destiny. Don’t you see that?”

“I…suppose.” When he thought about it, it did make sense.

“Yet you do want a way to find release from the one thing you cannot get away from. You carry this power within you, a power that wants you to use it as naturally as your body has lungs that need to breathe. You need a release from that, from the need to think. You can trust me to do that for you, and you know it.”

Put like that, Kilan couldn’t argue.

“I, on the other hand -- as much as I’m in command most of my waking hours -- also follow orders. Every day of my life as a guard, I am both dominant as well as submissive. Can you see that?”

Kilan nodded.

“Semaris isn’t so far from the way we lead our lives; it’s hardly surprising if we should find ourselves suited to it, but now isn’t the time to discuss that. Now is the time to discover if we have any chance of being what we both need. So this once, no negotiations. No discussion. Let me take the lead. Let me do this for you and for me. Trust me. Trust me to know what I’m doing and that I won’t hurt you.”

How could anyone say no to that?

“This is too loose, don’t you agree?” Antal fingered the collar, then unfastened it, paused, searching Kilan’s eyes. Kilan struggled not to wriggle under that concentrated gaze, and then Antal adjusted the length, fastening it again. The sensation of soft leather, combined with the feeling of restriction as Antal buckled it just short of tight, stole Kilan’s breath.