A Time to Move On (15 page)

It wasn’t Mack calling though. It
was Steph.

Laura groaned and pulled the
curtain shut. She finished washing the soap off her body, letting her mind race
back to Mack. She closed her eyes and stood under the water. She imagined Mack
was in there with her. His big, strong drummer hands touching her everywhere.

The connection between them had to
mean something, right? Laura believed it, but she tried not to get lost in it.
There was a chance she and Mack were just killing time together. Mack was going
on tour soon. And that tour would take him not just across the country, but
across the world. He had plans, Laura didn’t. The only plan Laura had at the
moment was to find a way to get back in Mack’s arms. After that, she had
nothing.

Once she rinsed off, Laura stood
and enjoyed the hot water on her body. She thought about when she worked with
Jeff at the investment company. She was damn good at her job. Making decisions.
Doing the research. Offering proposals. There was a thrill in it all. The
thrill led to promotion and Laura had to walk away, but she was smart enough to
know what to do with her own money.

But what good was having money if
you had no one to share your life with?

Her cell started to vibrate again.
She turned the water off and opened the shower curtain. After wrapping herself
in a towel, Laura saw it was Steph calling again.

Oh, no… Hannah…

Laura’s mind always went for the
worst case scenario.

“Steph, what’s wrong?” Laura asked.

“Where are you?” Steph asked.

“In the shower. What’s wrong?”

“Are you alone?”

“What? Who would I… why are you
calling?”

“I’m sorry to do this,” Steph said.
“I need a huge favor.”

“Is Hannah okay?”

“Of course she is. Why…”

There was a pause. The silence of
Steph realizing how easy it was for Laura to panic.

“What do you need?” Laura asked.

“Jeff called me and he’s stuck at
the office finishing up a big proposal,” Steph said. "He’ll be there until
at least ten tonight.”

“Okay…”

“Jeff promised to take Tommy to the
movies. I tried calling our normal babysitter, but she’s booked tonight. So I
need someone to watch Hannah.”

Laura’s mouth fell open. “Watch
Hannah?”

“Yeah. Tommy will be crushed if he
can’t go. I mean, it’s not a big deal, but I was just thinking if you wanted
to… you could watch Hannah. You know her, she’ll be asleep by seven anyway.
You’ll have the house to yourself for a couple hours. Until I get back or Jeff
gets home.”

“So… watch Hannah?” Laura asked
again.

“Yeah.”

Laura was frozen in place. She
hadn’t been with a baby alone since…
my baby Ella
.

“Sure,” Laura said. “I can come
over right now if you need me.”

“Oh Laura, thank you so much. I’m
so sorry to put you on the spot like this. I hope you’re not breaking plans or
anything.”

“The only plan I had was for my
couch,” Laura said. “No big deal at all. When do you need me there?”

“Five minutes ago.”

Laura laughed and hung up the
phone. She rushed around her apartment and got dressed. She tried to keep her
mind off the pinging thoughts of what she was about to do. It wasn’t the same
as visiting. This was babysitting. Laura was going to be in charge of making
sure nothing happened to Hannah.

Laura paused and looked at herself
in the mirror. She didn't know what to do with all the feelings she was having.
She took a deep breath. She could do this. One night of babysitting wasn't
going to fix years of anger and grief. She feared, though, that this step
forward would take her a step away from Mack, and then their pain wouldn't be
on the same level anymore. Or maybe this could be the step that changes both of
their lives.

(15)

Laura opened the door to the sound
of Tommy screaming as he ran through the house carrying a plastic sword. He
gave orders to invisible men who were to kill the zombies waiting upstairs.

In the kitchen, Hannah sat in a
highchair, her face smothered in orange. Steph sat in a chair and spoon fed the
baby carrots from a jar.

“I’m trying to get her to eat so
you don’t have much to worry about,” Steph said.

“Don’t worry about it,” Laura said.
“I’m fine. I know what to do.”

Steph scooped up some carrots and
offered it to Hannah. The baby opened her mouth and then hurried to shut it.
The carrots smeared all over her lips and dribbled down her chin.

“You’re a mess,” Steph said.

“Such a pretty mess though,” Laura
said and smiled.

Hannah smiled back, food
everywhere. She slapped her hands against the tray, making an even bigger mess.

Steph stood and put the lid on the
jar of carrots. She put it in the fridge and then got a container of baby
wipes.

“Here you go,
Aunt Laura
,”
Steph said as she tossed the container.

Laura caught it and took out a few
wipes. She went to Hannah and wiped up the baby’s face. She took off the bib,
along with the tray, and put it on the table. She took Hannah from the chair
and hugged her. She smelled like lotion and carrots. Not the greatest combination,
but she still had that baby smell. Hannah was beautiful. Hannah was full of
life.

“Are you sure about this?” Steph
asked.

Tommy let out a scream and then
there was a hard bang on the upstairs floor. Laura looked up and gasped. “Is he
okay?”

“He's killing zombies,” Steph said.

“Got ya,” Laura said. “And yes, I’m
fine. Hannah and I will have a girls night in. Some movies. Wine. Talk about
our ex boyfriends. The usual.”

Steph laughed. “Sounds like your
night is going to be better than mine. Jeff is supposed to be here to take
Tommy to this movie. It's some action movie. I don’t know.”

“You’re a good mom,” Laura said.

“And you’re a good aunt.”

Steph took Hannah from Laura and
gave her a big hug and kiss. They went into the living room and got down on the
floor when Steph put Hannah on her belly to play with some toys. Steph called
for Tommy. He rushed down the steps, jumped into Laura’s arms for a quick hug and
a forced thanks (from Steph threatening to not take Tommy unless he properly
thanked Aunt Laura), and then they left the house.

When the door shut, Laura’s chest
tightened.

She moved to her belly and looked
at Hannah. “Hey beautiful girl.”

Hannah’s eyes were so big and so
blue. She drooled a mix of spit and leftover carrots. Laura wiped it away with
her hand. She sat up and lifted Hannah. Placing the infant in her lap, she gave
Hannah an interactive book that made noise when the pages were turned.

Laura looked down at the top of
Hannah’s head and soon found herself slipping back in time. She smelled
Hannah’s head, feeling the softness of her thin hair, and she smiled.

Just like baby Ella’s.

They would have been cousins. She
would have been with Laura right now. She would have been so excited to help
out, for sure. To act like a good cousin. To pretend to play house.

Laura looked forward and saw her
reflection in the turned off television screen. Holding a baby in her arms. So
innocent and quiet, only making wet mouth noises. Laura looked down again and
took a deep breath.

It was okay to be here right now.
It was okay to baby-sit. Desperately holding on to something that could never
be was a terrible place to be stuck, and she had ignored the present for long
enough.

Laura turned Hannah around. The
baby’s eyes were wide, mouth open. Laura then fell to her back and lifted
Hannah into the air. She slowly brought her down and made a
pop
sound
with her mouth.

Hannah jumped but kept staring.

“Where are you going?” Laura teased
as she lifted Hannah back into the air.

She brought Hannah back down and
repeated the same sound. This time Hannah started to smile. Laura did the same
thing three more times, Hannah laughing harder each time until she started to
break out in hiccups.

Laura sat up and then stood,
holding Hannah.

“Oh, you beautiful girl,” Laura
whispered. She gently bounced the baby. “So, so beautiful.”

Laura walked from the living room to
the foyer of the house. She stood in front of the mirror and turned sideways to
see reflection of herself holding Hannah. Except the reflection wasn't that at
all. Instead, Laura saw herself holding her own daughter.
It’s baby Ella…
sweet baby Ella…

Gasping, Laura felt her arms
starting to shake. She refused to let go of Hannah. Instead, she closed her
eyes and took three deep breaths. When she opened her eyes, the reflection in
the mirror was present day. Laura was holding Hannah.

“Let’s keep walking, pretty girl,”
Laura whispered.

She put a hand to the back of
Hannah’s soft head and kissed her forehead. She walked Hannah into the kitchen.
There was one bottle left to warm up for Hannah for the night. Laura didn’t
quite want to be completely alone without sound just yet so she went back to
the living room with the baby. Moving quick, she turned the television on,
refusing to look at anymore reflections for the night.

A cartoon kept Hannah’s attention
and then Laura put on something more adult oriented. An hour later, she changed
Hannah’s diaper, gave her the last bottle, and then held her and rocked her to
sleep. She knew Steph probably preferred to have Hannah put down still awake to
learn how to sleep on her own, but Laura could break the rules. First off, she
was Aunt Laura. That meant she could break the rules. Second, Laura never
followed rules. Hence the reason her heart was swelling and falling for who
probably could end up being the wrong guy. A drummer. A biker. A rock star. A
guy that was about to embark on a world tour.

When Hannah was sound asleep, Laura
took the baby to her crib and put her down gently. Hannah didn’t stir once and
was fast asleep. Laura took a few minutes to stand there and stare. Tears came
to her eyes again and she let them trickle down her cheeks. She hoped, in that
moment, that both Hannah and Steph would never experience pain. Would never
suffer. Would never find the arms of tragedy wrapped around them so tight they
couldn’t breathe.

Laura shut the door and leaned
against the wall. The pictures in the hallway showed the timeline of a family.
Of Steph and Jeff as a couple before kids and marriage. Then the wedding
pictures. Then the beautiful collages of Steph’s two pregnancies.

Time had taken them on two
different paths.

Laura pushed from the wall and
rushed down the steps. Everything in the house was a reminder of Hannah. Of a
family. It was also a subtle reminder of what Laura never would have had. The
worst feeling was that even if
baby Ella
did survive, Jon wouldn’t have
given Laura this kind of life. They would have been mutual caring parents and
nothing else. At some point, Jon would have fallen for someone else. At some
point, they would have had to face the truth of what they were. No matter what,
it seemed Laura had been destined for pain.

Except with Mack.

There was no pain with Mack.

When Laura sat down, she looked to
her phone on the coffee table. She reached for it and knew what she was going
to do before she could stop herself.

Laura called Jon.

She knew that Mack was busy
tonight. The new Fallen Tuesday album came out today. Laura knew because she
heard it a dozen times on the radio. And because she had bought her own copy
online. The CD was coming in the mail and the digital album was already on her
phone. The beauty of technology.

After four rings, Laura felt her
chest tighten.

Of course Jon wouldn’t…

“Hello?”

“Jon? It’s… Laura…”

“Laura? Oh, hey. Hi. How are you?”

Laura swallowed hard. It was like
he’d forgotten about her. What else did he forget about?

“I’m sorry for calling you,” Laura
said.

“Okay. Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know, Jon. Can… can I ask
where you are?”

“My living room.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I’m in San Francisco, Laura. Still
the same.”

“That far away, huh?”

“Where I’m meant to be.”

“I’m at Steph’s. My sister.”

“I know who Steph is.”

“I’m babysitting her little girl.
Hannah.”

“Oh,” Jon said.

His voice dropped and went dry.

“I’m thinking about…
her
.”

“Okay,” Jon said. “Why don’t you
say her name? You know it’s okay to do so.”

“How can I? It hurts to think her
name.”

“Laura, I don’t know what I’m
supposed to do for you. Over the phone. Or at all. I mean, we’re not…”

“We’re not anything, right? I know
that, Jon. You made that clear the second I became pregnant.”

“That’s not fair,” Jon said. “I was
being honest with you. The pregnancy had nothing to do with it. We had nothing
going for each other. You know that. We were having fun and something
happened.”

“We had a baby together,” Laura
said.

“I know that. Her name was Ella.”

“
Was?
”

“Damnit, you know what I mean. Her
name
is
Ella.”

Laura squeezed her eyes shut. She
didn’t want to hear the name. “Just stop.”

“I’m sorry, Laura, but why did you
call? What do you need right now?”

“Tell me how you do it,” Laura
said. “How you get by each day. How you got through it all.”

Jon let out a breath. “I’ve told
you before, I’ve made my own peace. I can’t tell you how to do it.”

“Did you ever love me? Us?”

“If you’re asking if I loved my
daughter, I shouldn't have to answer that question. But you, Laura, I did love
you. In a special way. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for us. I think about
things a lot still. It’s a process. When I get upset, I think about the time we
had with her. With our daughter.”

“But you moved on,” Laura said.
“You left New York. It’s like this life never mattered. Like you lucked out
because everything went bad.”

“Wow,” Jon said. “That’s a real bad
way of looking at life, Laura. What did you want me to do? Just live in that
moment forever? Just wait and hope something would change when you know it
never can or will? That’s not how life works. This isn’t a fantasy. I’m sorry
you had to go through it. But I went through it too. I was… there…”

“But you moved on,” Laura repeated.

“I had to!” Jon yelled. “Damnit. I
didn’t want to lead you on at all. That’s why I was so damn honest. I had
opportunities that I was never going to let slip away. And that’s why I am
where I am. I think about Ella all the time. I choke up. I cry. But I remind
myself that she’s my angel -
our angel
- and she’s watching over us.”

Laura felt a tear stream down her
cheek. “You were there. When she…”

“Laura, don’t. Please don’t. Look,
when I told you to call me whenever you needed, I thought it would eventually
end. I don’t want to be an ass, but I can’t have the same conversation. If you
want to talk on the day it happened. Or her birthday. That’s fine. We can talk
about memories. Find a way to smile and celebrate that life she had. But I
can’t talk about why I’m okay and you’re… well, not.”

“I’m not okay?” Laura asked.

Anger mixed with the sadness.

“You’re not okay,” Jon said.

“Hey, are you ready, honey?”

A third voice entered the
conversation.

“I’m interrupting,” Laura said.

“That’s Kyla.”

“Same one from before?”

“Yeah. Believe it or not, I’m not a
bad guy. I’ve been with Kyla for a long time now. If you care to know, we’re
engaged and getting married at the end of next year.”

“Are you going to have kids?” Laura
asked.

“I’d like to,” Jon said. “I can’t
be afraid of life. You shouldn’t be either. Look, I’m sorry. I have to go. I
truly wish there was a way I could help you, Laura. But I can’t. I cannot tell
you how sorry and sad I am for what happened to our daughter. You don’t have to
give up her memory, but you can’t give up your life.”

Laura spouted out the normal
goodbye nonsense and then waited for Jon to hang up. When he did, the phone
beeped and the call was over. Laura knew right then she would probably never
call him again. There was no reason to. Somewhere inside, each time she called
Jon she hoped he would be a broken man. He would be just like her and they
would find that connection.

But maybe she had found that
connection.

With someone else.

Laura felt the emotion creep up and
crest over her like a wave in a storm. She was in her sister’s house. Her
sister’s perfect life. They may not have enough money. They may work hard and
late. The house may be loud and messy. But it was the life Laura dreamed she
would have had.

As Laura cried, she hugged a
pillow. There was no stopping the flood of memories as they came now. Reliving
each moment in her life. From the second she saw the little plus sign appear on
the pregnancy test right up to running through the hospital and finding Jon in
a hospital bed after having a severe panic attack when
baby Ella
's heart
gave up. Jon had almost given up that same night too. That was the small window
when Laura thought they could be something again.

But they never were.

Laura closed her eyes and wished to
be saved.

Laura’s phone rang. Her eyes popped
open and she looked at the screen and let out a whimpering cry.

It was Mack.

Right on cue to save her. Just like
when she ran out of gas. Mack had come from nowhere to save her.