A Wealth of Unsaid Words (9 page)

He had only gone on medication reluctantly the first time,

and when he"d stopped it, the depression had been a

hundred times worse than before. Endless weakness and

apathy mixed with thoughts that had been anything but

rational, repeating over and over behind his eyes what a

disappointment he was, reminding him of how much time

Everett and people like him had already wasted on him.

His first thought, upon seeing Everett again after the

awareness that he was alive, was the realization that the

thoughts that had nearly destroyed him had nearly

destroyed Everett too. But he hadn"t recognized until months

later, while in therapy and on a high dose of lithium, that

everyone had known that but him. It had been obvious to

everyone else what he meant to Everett, but he had been

blind to it.

He had let himself fall for Everett"s tricks and never let

himself wonder why Everett had used them. He was not used

to thinking of Everett as scared, but he must have been to

use such obvious ruses. He might still be. If Alex didn"t make

a move first, he might find out. He might use pilfered liquor

and the idea of kissing practice, but Everett, if he still

wanted him, would try. Alex only wanted him more for his

bravery.

Even after Alex"s failed suicide, Everett had had to try,

and Alex had let him. Their friendship, their bond, whatever

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A Wealth of Unsaid Words • R. Cooper

others chose to call the link between them, meant a lot to

Everett. He might have said anything to keep Alex going, but

Alex had wanted to believe him and hadn"t cared.

“Write to me, even when I’m here. You’ll have something

to say, I promise. And I’ll want to read it.”
Everett would

never say that it was when the words had stopped that he"d

been worried enough to come to see him, that it was the lack

of words that had made him break into Alex"s apartment and

save his life. Everett had merely touched Alex"s shoulders

and Alex"s face and sat holding his hand and asked him for

letters
, knowing that writing was breathing to him.

“Everett, you are a blessing,” Alex murmured as Everett

came back into the room, and Everett stopped. His

expression was a combination of startled and embarrassed.

Alex had paid him many compliments over the years, but

never anything so close to the truth. Alex held still, and then

Everett moved again, and the moment was gone.

Everett turned away to pull up his socks, though he

didn"t need to turn to do it. The room was small and the floor

space limited with their luggage everywhere. There wasn"t

even much room for him to turn.

“I"m really not. I"m actually very selfish. Greedy too.” The

socks were also knitted. He ought to stop wearing every

horrible gift he"d ever gotten just to be polite. If only it

weren"t so endearingly Everett that he did.

“You really are.” Giving himself a year to stand on his

own feet, while remaining in therapy and on his pills of

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A Wealth of Unsaid Words • R. Cooper

course, meant
real
clear and rational thoughts came easily.

Courage, however, had to be fought for.

Everett glanced over, taking a moment before grinning.

“Am not.”

“Are too.” Alex was ready for him. Everett let out a small

laugh before walking over and falling heavily onto the bed. It

was a king size he"d had to get after another growth spurt in

high school, but it rocked at his weight. His hand brushed

Alex"s thigh, and Alex turned to look at him, breathing hard.

“So fucking wrecked.” Everett sighed at the ceiling, then

angled his head to look at him. “And I"ve got a ton of baking

to do in the morning.”

Alex nodded, enjoying another moment with Everett"s

hand on him before remembering he had to get up. He had

no reason to feel shy either, except for Everett"s eyes on him

as he stood up and removed his clothes, which suddenly felt

like a damn good reason, because unlike whatever he"d told

himself during similar moments in the past, Everett
was

watching him. Everett was watching him, and he would not

turn away unless Alex did.

Alex was used to stares, but not these, not from

someone who knew every awful thing about him, from

someone as remarkable as Everett. He couldn"t quite make

himself look back as Everett had done, but he didn"t twist

his body away. He"d gained some weight while on his meds

and gained a bit more this last year, though he was still

slim, but he had a feeling Everett approved, the same way he

had a feeling Everett approved of his arms, his ass, his back,

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even his choice in sleepwear. When he was in warm, soft

flannel at last and yet still bare before Everett"s hot gaze, he

pulled out his toothbrush and his pill case and hurried down

the hall to the bathroom where he could catch his breath

and try not to think of what it would be like to look down at

Everett and have Everett look back at him.

When he returned, Everett was still awake but under

the covers on the side of the bed by the window, either

knowing Alex"s worries and working to calm them, or just

that tired. Alex paused. Everett was studying him.

“How are the side effects with the lower dose?” Everett

was quiet.

“Not bad.” The safe question meant Alex could move

again. He shrugged and put his things away. “Better.” He

shut the door. He hadn"t had real tremors or trouble

concentrating in a very long time, but he never wanted them

again.

“That"s good.” Everett didn"t say anything else while Alex

hesitated over the light switch then turned off the light and

stumbled toward the bed. Ally must have made the bed that

day since the sheets smelled clean. Everett"s side was

already warm.

“I mean… that"s really good,” Everett added, in almost

the same tone he"d used that afternoon, as if he had to

repeat it to make it true. He moved, shaking his head. He let

out a small, pained laugh. “I suppose it"s just… a part of me

was always so happy to see you that I never minded taking

care of you.”

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Alex froze. Everett moved again, sliding away from him

to almost the very edge of the bed.

“I told you I was selfish.” He laughed at himself again,

unconvincingly, then stopped. He rolled over, and his eyes

must have adjusted to the dark already because his hand

found Alex"s arm. “But it"s good that you feel better. It really

is.”

Everett pulled his hand back. “Now that you can do

everything you"ve always wanted, go off, be famous, don"t

forget about me. Okay?”

Alex hated the dark as he hated the cold. Everett was on

his back, far away from him.

“Forget you?” Alex looked down at the vague shape of

him and then climbed under the covers to hide his missing

voice. That would be like forgetting his arm, or his heart, or

his stomach.

But he always lost words when saying them directly to

Everett, so he stared instead, not certain when Everett could

ever have doubted what he had always thought had been so

obvious.

There was some light coming in from the colored bulbs

hanging in front of the window, and Everett was probably

still studying Alex as Alex"s eyes got used to the shadows.

Everett had done the same thing the night after graduation,

drunk off his ass and lying on a blanket too far from shore to

be seen by the other people out by the lake, complaining

about how he was going to go off to school a virgin and

staring into Alex"s face to see his reaction.

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He could not have had any idea of how terrifying his

unspoken offer had been to Alex, though Alex remembered

stopping, his heart pounding, his cock already interested in

everything Everett was suggesting. Alex had wanted him so