“Ava, I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. Her pupils filled her eyes. “No.” Her voice sounded like she’d drank sandpaper. Tears slipped down her cheeks, and her nose ran.
Joel grabbed a tissue and cleaned her up, then handed her a cup of water to help clear her raspy throat.
“The shower…the dancing!” She gnawed at her cracked lip.
“No. It’s not your fault, Ava. Dr. Olivia said it was nature, there was a fetal abnormality. That’s what caused the miscarriage.”
She shook her head against the pillow. “No.” Her face was paler than milk, paler than the bleached sheets she lay on.
“We’ll get through this, Ava. I’m going to take care of you. “
“No. You proposed for the baby.”
“I want you. This changes nothing.”
She swallowed hard enough that he could see her throat work. “Joel, you don’t want…” Her voice broke, and he watched her chest rise as she gulped in a deep breath.
“I still want you. Baby or no baby. You’re not going anywhere. You’ll still marry me.”
She gave him a watery smile and shook her head.
“We’re going to get through this together. And when you feel strong enough, in a couple of months, we’ll try again. We’ll have other children. Lots of them like you want. Like I want now. We’ll get married, and have the life we were meant to have. Do you understand me?”
She nodded, stared into space for what seemed like hours before the physical and emotional stress of her miscarriage wore her out, then her eyelids closed. He watched as her breathing grew deep as she sank into sleep. Peace softened her face.
The rest of the night he continued to watch her, never leaving her side, just in case she needed him.
Chapter Eighteen
A month later, Ava sat on the penthouse terrace with a cup of steaming coffee, wondering if she should go job-hunting. Now that she had no baby to plan for and no doctor’s appointments, life had turned into one purposeless dredge of hours to get through.
But she didn’t dare tell Joel. He would freak and try to stop her. He already stopped her from doing everything because he worried she was still healing. But treating her like glass, not letting her do anything, was not helping. She should tell him, but she didn’t want to worry him either, because now she could see the pain behind his eyes. He used to be good at killing his emotions.
The French doors opened. “Claudia LeMure is here to see you,” Claire announced.
Ava’s jaw dropped for a second. “What? There must be some mistake.”
“Should I send her away? She said you were expecting her.”
Ava swallowed hard. “No, she is one person I’d never be expecting. But no, don’t send her away.” She didn’t need Claire to protect her. Ava was strong enough to see Claudia and everyone else in the real world.
Claudia’s family and Joel’s family were lifelong friends. She’d be seeing the woman sometime. Might as well be now.
Claudia glided onto the terrace, as graceful as if she were on a catwalk. Seeing the supermodel in her short red dress, made Ava wonder if she’d been overconfident. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this. Maybe she should have told Claire to send Claudia away. Being on the same balcony as Claudia, wearing jeans and a college sweatshirt, made Ava feel messy, non-descript, and ugly.
“Joel isn’t here. So why are you?” Ava decided to start with a challenge instead of painful chitchat that led nowhere.
Claudia lowered herself into a chair, across from Ava, and said, “I saw you at the engagement party, dancing with him. I can tell you love Joel.”
“So why do you keep throwing yourself at him?” Ava asked.
Claudia tapped her red, salon-perfect nails on the glass table. “Because I know Joel. He wants me, but he can’t have me because he feels guilty.”
“The hell! Joel—”
Claudia raised a clawed hand, “After everything Joel’s been through, he deserves so much more. What you’re doing to him isn’t fair.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“He didn’t want to marry you. He wanted to marry me. If he wanted you, he’d have proposed to you after your little island fling.”
“I’m wearing his ring, Claudia, not you.” Ava lifted and displayed the hand wearing the flashy diamond solitaire.
“You’re wearing the ring because you got pregnant. If it weren’t for the baby, Joel and I would be married.”
For a second the world tilted, and Ava couldn’t breathe. Was Claudia right?
No. He might have initially proposed because of the baby but… “Joel wants to stay with me. You need to leave him alone. In fact,” —Ava rose to her feet— “you need to leave. Now.”
Claudia remained seated. She hiked her chin, defiance sharpening her eyes. “Of course he’s staying with you. He feels sorry for you.”
Ava shook her head until hair blocked her vision.
“Look at yourself. Then look at me. I’m prettier, smarter, more successful. I come from a wealthy, connected family. I’m the one Joel proposed to because
he wanted to
, not because I was pregnant.”
“No. I’m not pregnant now, and he is staying.” Ava gave a firm nod.
Claudia pursed her lips together. “He’s staying because of what happened to you, because he’s honorable, and you’re hurting. He’s certainly not staying because he’s in love with you.”
Ava flinched. It felt like Claudia had punched her in the gut. Ava’s eyes burned, but she could handle this. She blinked and focused her anger. “Get out.” She pointed at the French doors. “You’ve had your say, now get out!”
“You’re his second choice, the woman he’ll never love. Do you really want to be that needy woman? And after everything he’s been through, Joel deserves to marry the person he wants.”
“You’re wrong.”
“He’ll never love you, but he’ll never leave because he’s too noble. And you love him. You should be willing to do what’s best and leave.”
“No.”
“Deep down, I know you can’t stay with a man who doesn’t love you.”
“If you don’t get the hell out, I’ll remove you myself.” Ava steamed. Her emotions were tumbling out of control, and if Claudia didn’t leave soon, Ava was going scratch her eyes out, or worse, cry in front of the supermodel. God, that would be embarrassing.
Luckily Claudia finally rose but didn’t exit before giving Ava her winning,
Vogue
smile over her shoulder. The perfect, pearly teeth only served to illustrate Claudia was the cream of the crop.
****
Joel stared at his monitor, trying to get caught up, not able to pay attention to even the simplest e-mail. He’d just gotten off the phone with Ava. She’d said they needed to talk. She sounded serious, and he had a feeling he knew what it was about.
They hadn’t made love since the miscarriage. He’d been waiting for her to give him a sign she was ready. He was usually good at reading a woman’s signals, but Ava was complex, and maybe he’d missed her subtle readiness.
He smiled. He knew she worried he didn’t desire her anymore. That he didn’t want to marry her since she’d lost the baby. But she was wrong.
In spite of himself, he cared for Ava.
Losing the baby had been hell, was still hell. But losing Ava would be much worse. Because of her, he’d changed. Having Ava live with him and carrying their child had shown him life did go on. He wanted her to be his wife and to have their children.
Maybe he would never allow himself to feel the depth of the love he’d felt for Elizabeth, but Ava was patient. She’d already shown she wasn’t going anywhere. Ava would take what he could offer. He’d be the best husband he could be, and he’d give her the family she desired.
Was she ready to be pregnant again? Was it time for them to try? He wanted it to be time. In his mind’s eye, he could see Ava holding his baby, greeting him after a long day at work. Entertaining him with stories of her day, like she had before their loss. She’d made his penthouse a home.
Maybe he should cancel his afternoon meetings and go home early.
His muscles tightened in anticipation. His body hardened at the thought of making love to his fiancée all afternoon, maybe into the night.
Joel shrugged and canceled his afternoon appointments. Everything could wait. He rarely took an afternoon off. It was time. Hell, it was way past time.
****
The minute Joel put his briefcase and laptop down, Ava was in his face and not in the way he had hoped. Her high cheekbones were scalded with a rosy blush. If her eyes weren’t sparking, he might mistake the blush for passion, and he’d find it sexually alluring.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
Her arms wrapped around her chest. “Why are you staying with me, Joel? Why do you still want to get married?”
He’d definitely waited too long to resume their physical relationship. She was past the point of patience and on to worried and suspicious. Now was the time to reassure her. “I told you I want to stay because I need you. You’re mine.”
“Yours? Why? Because I turn you on? Is that the only reason? You’re not with me because you feel sorry for me, are you?”
“No! Hell No! Yes, I want you, but I like you too. We’re good together, and I want you to be the mother of my children. I want us to be a life-long team.”
She nodded and through clenched teeth said, “Right, like we were a team when I was your PA.”
“What’s this about? You want children, I want to give you them. I want you. You want me. Why are you blustering at me?”
“Do you love me?” She laid her hand over her heart.
For three, ticking seconds she’d stunned him into silence. “Have you eaten today?” he asked.
“Do…You….Love…Me?”
Joel worked his jaw and knew now wasn’t the time to tell her the truth. His mind spun in all directions, searching for the right answer. The response that would keep her with him. But he couldn’t find the right words.
She gave him her back, and he grabbed her arm and spun her to face him. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Isn’t it obvious? To pack. There’s no baby to keep us together. No love. Therefore, no reason for me to stay.”
“Don’t go. If you want another baby, I’ll give you one tonight. I promise I will.”
“No. No more babies. We shouldn’t be together.” Her voice was strong, her eyes full of conviction.
“The hell we shouldn’t!”
“We wouldn’t be together if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. You’d be married to Claudia.”
He growled and asked, “Do you know why I proposed to Claudia and not you?”
She shook her head.
“Because she’s a woman who’ll be happy with what I can give her. She would never demand more.”
“Right, because you’re still in love with Elizabeth. Because you can’t give your heart.”
“I…yes. Don’t look at me like that, I never meant to hurt you. I never promised love.”
“Look, you don’t have to stay anymore. You don’t have to be noble, I’m going to be fine. Or at least I will be after I leave.” She lifted her chin, straightening her spine.
“You’re not leaving.”
“Yes, I am, and when I do, you can go back to your perfect plan, and I can go back to mine. You can marry Claudia, and I can find a man who will actually love me.”
Something tore into his chest, and with rib-breaking strength it squeezed his heart. Could it be over? He couldn’t accept it. He had to fight for her. But how the hell could he win? How could he fix it?
Joel couldn’t give her what she wanted. What she deserved. And she was leaving. And he should let her go because he wasn’t what she needed.
God it hurt. It actually hurt. He swallowed down shards of feeling and said, “You’re right. You should be loved. If you want to leave, I’ll let you. But if you can find a way to be happy with me, knowing I’m giving everything I can...”
“No. You’ll never love me. You’ll never let go of Elizabeth. I want more than just a man to marry. I want love.”
He nodded, his throat too tight to speak.
Ava sniffed and fought tears welling in her eyes. “If you could find a way to love again…If you’d open your heart, you wouldn’t need to jump out of airplanes or swim with sharks to find excitement. Life would be exciting enough.”
****
The next night when Joel came home from work, he found his penthouse was empty. Ava was gone, and she’d left nothing behind. Not a pair of shoes, not a vial of perfume, nothing. But it wasn’t just her things she’d taken. It was something else. Something more vital. Something that drained his energy.
But this depression would go away. He’d get better, and the unwanted pain would cease. It had to be temporary. He’d gain control of his emotions. He’d go back to normal. That was what he wanted. What he’d always wanted since the moment Elizabeth and his child had died in that fiery, car crash.
Months and months after he’d lost them, he’d finally found a way to pull himself from bed and force himself back into life. He’d managed to survive, he’d had no choice.
Did he want to be that vulnerable again?
No. Hell, no.
He could shed his emotions again. He could remove his heartache and find the dark peace. If he could do it once, he could do it again.
And he would.
****
Four days later, Joel was 10,000 feet above the earth in his jumpsuit, helmet and goggles. His pilot circled, waiting for Joel to decide the right moment to free fall.
Joel shrugged with indifference. Now was as good a time as any.
Taking one final glance down at the earth below, with its wide expanse of the ocean and fingers of land. He nodded, ready for his twelve minute descent. But as Joel tightened his parachute about to dive into space, something unexpected happened.
His heart kicked against his ribs.
His palms went clammy.
His mouth went desert dry.
He was actually
feeling.
Fear was attacking his nervous system, sending him into the normal range of fight-or-flight.
Amazing.
Why now?
He’d spent years in an emotional cocoon. He’d been two miles above the earth too many times to count. He’d jumped thousands of times without feeling a thing.
He scratched his stubbly chin.
Then it hit him, like a man hits the earth after a dive with no parachute. Now, he had something to live for, or rather
someone.