I accept, though reluctantly. During my first trip this morning I discovered a poster by the door proclaiming that, effective immediately, Russians are no longer allowed to enter German homes or to fraternize with German civilians.
We set off. I’m glad because this way I’ll save at least an hour of standing in line, since if a Russian does the pumping for me I’ll have priority. But no sooner are we outside than an officer calls out after my Pole, ‘Hey, you! What are you doing, going with a German?’ The Pole winks at me, hangs back, and meets up with me at the pump, where he serves himself ahead of everyone else. The people in line stare at me with bitterness and contempt. But no one says a word.
The Pole has a violent temper. On the way home he picks a fight with some soldier over nothing, snorting and roaring and swinging his fists. Then a spasm runs through his entire body, and he calms down, catches up with me and points to the back of his head, explaining that he took a bullet there during the fighting at Stalingrad. Ever since then he’s been prone to these rages and violent fits. He often has no idea what he does in his fury, he never used to be like that. I look at him, uneasy, and hurry ahead with my two buckets. He really does have the thick, copper Stalingrad medal, hanging from a colourful ribbon wrapped in cellophane. I’m happy when we get to our building and he slips away. Clearly the new order won’t take effect as long as their soldiers are billeted in abandoned apartments right next to our own.
THURSDAY, 3 MAY 1945, WITH THE REST OF WEDNESDAY
Something comical: while I was at the pump with the Pole, the widow had a visit from Petka, my ex-rapist with the blond bristle, the man who threw our sewing machine around. But he must have forgotten all about this drunken exploit; the widow says he was exceedingly friendly. He showed up lugging a beautiful yellow leather, Petka-sized trunk that another man would have had trouble lifting. Spreading out the contents - mostly clothes - he indicated to the widow that she could take whatever she wanted, that everything was meant for her - while ‘nothing, nothing, nothing’ was to go to me, as he made clear. But that was more for show than anything else. After all, what was to prevent the widow from giving me whatever she liked the minute he was gone? He had probably wanted to play Santa Claus for me, to snatch some more of what he calls love, one final, hasty attempt because he let the widow know that his whole troop was moving on and actually said farewell - ‘
Dosvidanya
.’
With a good deal of self -restraint, the widow declined Petka’s largesse and sent him on his way, together with his trunk. Not that she’d been plagued by moral scruples: ‘Why should I be? After all, they carried off my trunk, too, didn’t they?’ And that from a woman of proper bourgeois breeding, from a good German home. No, her reservations were of a purely practical nature: ‘I can’t wear those things. The trunk was obviously taken from one of the neighbouring buildings. If I went out with those clothes on, I’d risk running into their rightful owner.’ So she limited her take to two pairs of shoes -she couldn’t resist, they were exactly her size. Brown street shoes, nondescript and easy to disguise with.a little black polish, according to the widow. She wanted to give one of the pairs to me; goodness knows I could use them, since the only shoes I have are the ones I’m wearing. Unfortunately they’re too small.
The afternoon passed quietly. We didn’t see any of our acquaintances, not Anatol or Petka, Grisha, Vanya, Yasha or Andrei the schoolteacher. The major, however, showed up promptly at sunset, along with his chubby Uzbek shadow and someone else - thank God not the surly lieutenant with the hiking pole. No, this time it was a little red-cheeked boy in a blue sailor’s suit, eighteen years old, Soviet navy. Apparently they’ve taken Berlin by sea as well. We certainly have enough lakes around. The sailor looks like a schoolboy; he smiles innocently from ear to ear as he tells me quietly he has a favour to ask.
Please, go ahead! I call him over to the window, through which we can still smell the stench of burning. And then the little sailor asks politely and very like a child whether I would be so kind as to find a girl for him, a nice clean girl, respectable and kind. He’d bring her food, too.
I stare at the boy, trying not to laugh out loud. Isn’t that the limit - now they’re demanding that their sexual spoils be tidy and well-behaved and have a noble character to boot! Next thing they’ll be asking women to present a police affidavit testifying to their clean record before they’re allowed to bed down with the victors! But this one just gazes at me with hopeful eyes and looks so tender-skinned, so much like mama’s little boy, that I can’t be mad at him. So I shake my head with the proper regret, and explain to him that I haven’t been living in the building very long, that I hardly know a soul, and that, sad to say, I don’t know where he might find such a nice girl. He takes it all in, visibly disappointed. I have an urge to check behind his ears to see if he’s still wet. But I know that even the most seemingly gentle Russian can turn into a savage beast if you rub him the wrong way or off end his self -esteem. I just want to know why they keep expecting me to play matchmaker, probably because I’m the only one around who understands them when they say what they’re after.
My sailor boy held out his little paw to thank me and then took off. But why are these youngsters so eager in their pursuit of anything female? At home they’d probably wait a little longer, though it’s true that most of them marry earlier than our men. They probably want to prove themselves in front of their older comrades, like sixteen-year-old Vanya, the stairwell rapist, to show that they’re real men, too.
Anyway, the unbridled raping sprees of the first few days are over. The spoils are now in short supply. I hear that other women have done the same thing I have, that they’re now spoken for, and therefore ta boo. The widow has more details concerning the two drink-and-be-merry sisters: evidently they’re for officers only, who don’t take kindly to low-ranking poachers trespassing on their private preserve. As a rule, those who don’t have marching orders in their pockets look for a more permanent arrangement, something exclusive, and they’re prepared to pay. They’ve realized how badly off we are when it comes to food. And the language of bread and bacon and herring - their principal gifts - is internationally understood.
As for me, the major has brought all sorts of things; I can’t complain. First he brought a pack of candles under his coat. Then more cigars for Pauli. Next the Uzbek showed up, heavily loaded down, and started pulling out one thing after another: a can of milk, a tin of meat, a side of bacon covered with salt and a lump of butter wrapped in cloth - at least three pounds of it, all smeared with tiny wool fibers that the widow picked out right away. Then, when we were sure n9thing more was coming, he fished out a pillowcase filled with sugar, probably five pounds’ worth! Princely wedding gifts indeed. Herr Pauli and the widow were astounded.
The widow dashed off to the kitchen cupboard to squirrel away the presents. Herr Pauli and the major had a friendly smoke, and I sat there brooding. By no means could it be said that the major is raping me. One cold word and he’d probably go his way and never come back. So I am placing myself at his service of my own accord. Am I doing it because I like him, or out of a need for love? God forbid! For the moment I’ve had it up to here with men and their male desire. I can’t imagine ever longing for any of that again. Am I doing it for bacon, butter, sugar, candles, canned meat? To some extent I’m sure I am. I didn’t like having to sponge off the widow. I’m happy to be able to give her something of mine - through the major, of course. That way I feel more independent, can eat with a cleaner conscience. In addition, I like the major, and the less he wants from me as a man, the more I like him as a person. And he won’t be wanting much, I can tell. His face is pale. His knee wound is causing him trouble; He’s probably not so much after sexual contact as human companionship, female company - and I’m more than willing to give him that. For out of all the male beasts I’ve seen these past few days, he’s the most bearable, the best of the lot. Moreover, I can actually control him, something I didn’t dare do with Anatol, not that easily, though Anatol was extremely good-natured with me. But he was so avid, such a bull, so strong! Without meaning to he might give me a little box on the ear... and I’d end up spitting out a tooth - just like that, from sheer excess of strength, sheer bearishness. But I can actually talk with the major. Which still isn’t an answer to the question of whether I should now call myself a whore, since I am essentially living off my body, trading it for something to eat.
On the other hand, writing this makes me wonder why I’m being so moralistic and acting as if prostitution were so much beneath my dignity. After all, it’s an old, venerable line of work, practised in the highest social circles. Actually I’ve had only one conversation with a bonafide member of the profession. It was on a ship in the Mediterranean, not far off the coast of Africa; I had got up very early and was wandering the deck as the sailors were scrubbing the planks. Another woman was up as well, someone I didn’t recognize; she was plump, modestly dressed and smoking a cigarette. I joined her at the railing and started a conversation. She knew a little English and addressed me as ‘Miss’. Smiling she offered me a cigarette. Later the head steward informed me in a dramatic whisper that the woman was a ‘bad person’, that they’d had to take her along but only let her on: deck early in the morning before the passengers were usually up. I never saw her again, but I can still see her plump, friendly, female face. What is that supposed to mean anyway - a bad person?
But morality aside, could I actually slip into that profession and still be pleased with myself? No, never. It goes against my nature, it wounds my self -esteem, destroys my pride - and physically it makes me miserable. So there’s no need to worry. I’ll be overjoyed to get out of this line of work, if that’s what I have to call my present activity, as soon as I can earn my bread in some more pleasant way; better suited to my pride.
Around 10p.m. the major deposits his Uzbek in the room behind the kitchen. Then once again a belt rattles against the bedpost, a revolver dangles down, a soldier’s cap crowns the post. But the candle goes on burning; and we talk at length. That is, the major talks, telling me about his family and showing me some small snapshots he carries in his wallet: There’s one of his mother, who has wild, slanting black eyes against a white head of hair. She comes from the south of the country, where the Tatars settled ages ago; she married an ash-blond Siberian. Judging by appearance, the major takes after his mother, but now I realize that his general demeanour comes from this mix of northern and southern temperaments: his mercurial character, the alternation of speed and gravity, of fire and melancholy, the lyrical upswings and the sudden dark moods that follow. He was married but divorced a long time ago - he himself admits he was a difficult partner. No children, which is unusual for a Russian. I know this because they always ask if I have any, then shake their heads in wonder, amazed that there are so few children here and so many childless women. They also have a hard time accepting the fact that the widow has no children.
The major shows me one more photo, of a good-looking girl with scrupulously parted hair, the daughter of a Polish professor in whose house the major was billeted last winter.
He starts to grill me about my own situation, but I answer evasively; I don’t want to talk about that. Then he wants to know about my schooling, and is full of respect when I tell him about the
Gymnasium
and the languages I speak and my travels all across Europe. ‘You have good qualifications,’ he says, appreciatively. Then all of a sudden he wonders why German girls are all so slender, with no fat - had we really had that little to eat? And after that he starts going on about what it would be like if he took me back to Russia, if I were his wife, if I could meet his parents. He promises to fatten me up with chicken and cream; they used to live very well at his home before the war... I let him go on fantasizing. It’s clear how impressed he is by my ‘education’, though admittedly his Russian standards are pretty modest. My schooling makes me desirable in his eyes. That’s a far cry from our German men, for whom being we’ll read does little to enhance a woman’s appeal, at least in my experience. In fact, my instinct has always been to play down my intelligence for them, to make a pretence of ignorance - or at least to keep quiet until I know them better. A German man always wants to be smarter, always wants to be in a position to teach his little woman. But that’s something Soviet men don’t know about - the idea of the little woman tending her cosy home. In the Soviet Union, education is highly valued; it’s so rare, so sought after and so much in demand that it has a special aura, particularly with the authorities. It also brings special pay, which is what the major is getting at when he explains to me that I would have no difficulty finding a ‘qualified job’ in his home l and. Thank you very much, I know you mean well, but I’ve had my fill of the Russian brand of schooling. Too many. And as soon as they’re finally over I intend to reclaim the evenings’ for myself.
Once again he’s singing, quietly, melodically. I enjoy hearing it. He’s upstanding, frank and clean. But he’s also distant and alien and so unfinished. Whereas we Westerners are old and experienced and tremendously clever - and now no more than dirt beneath their boots.
All I remember about the night is that I slept deeply and soundly, that I even had nice dreams. It took me a long time to ferret the Russian word for ‘dream’ out of the major - I spent much of the morning trying to convey the concept some other way: ‘movies in the head’, ‘pictures when your eyes are closed’, ‘not real things in sleep’. Another word missing from my soldiers’ dictionary.
At six in the morning the major knocked on the door of the back room for the Uzbek, but there was no reply. He called me over, anxious and upset, worried that something might have happened to the Asian, that he might have fainted or been attacked or even murdered. We both rattled the handle and knocked on the wooden panel. Nothing, not a sound, but it was clear that the key was still in the door. No one, not even the Uzbek, could sleep that soundly. I ran into the front room, shook the widow awake, and whispered our concerns in her ear.