According to the Pattern (3 page)

Miriam saw to it that the children were at hand at the last moment to be kissed good-bye, and then with a hasty word of some handkerchiefs she had forgotten to put in his grip she flew up the stairs and locked her door. She could not bear the hasty farewell, the careless kiss she saw was coming. She preferred that he should leave her uncaressed.

“Come, Miriam, I must go. Don’t wait for handkerchiefs. There’s no time to look. The cab is at the door. Come.”

But she did not come, and he called good-bye and went.

She watched him slam the cab door after him and drive away in the early morning light, and then the great sobs that had been so carefully choked down for hours came and shook her frame, and she hid her face in the pillows where he had slept but a little while ago and let her sorrow wave upon wave roll over her head and bury her in the awful chasms between its breakers till kindly nature claimed the worn-out body and over-wrought nerves, and wrapped her in a deep and dreamless sleep of utter weariness.

THE days that followed were to her like a long struggle
through the darkness of some deep valley by night.
When she looked back upon them they were filled with horror. Every time she slept and awoke there was the same awful realization of trouble to be instantly remembered and realized, coming with the keenness of first knowledge during the earliest waking moments, as one
remembers death or dread calamity and tries to weave
the unaccustomed threads of sorrow into the hitherto
happy web of life and make it seem a part of the daily fabric.

She plunged into work with all her soul and body.
What was to come she had yet to discover. She felt that
now her course lay clear before her, she had but to get
out of the way any work that might be a hindrance to
the plans when they should be formed. The children’s
clothes were first. She had been working at them lei
surely for some time, taking pleasure in designing and
executing the pretty, dainty garments which should
make her children into picturesque little creatures. Now she set about finishing this work with feverish eagerness and conscientiousness. She foresaw that her tender care
of these little ones must be interrupted in the future.
What had been her duty and her pleasure must now be neglected for a higher, more insistent duty, which could not be delayed.

She put lingering, wistful touches on her work and a
world of love and pent-up mother desires. This much
she could do before the demand for action came and she
would do it better than it had ever been done before.
But there was also another reason for the care she put
upon the little garments. When she remembered this her face was almost bitter in its stern determination and her fingers flew the faster. She was going out to fight the world, and the world, if she succeeded, would be free to inspect her life, her home, her children, everything she had. These same little chores of theirs would not escape the inspection. They were to be a part of her furnishing
for the warfare in which she was to engage. Therefore
she worked late and early, and in a surprisingly short time
the garments were laid away complete for use.

One of the first things she had done during these days of work had been to write a letter subscribing for the
“Fashion Magazine,” to which she had sent her appeal for
help. She felt that she simply could not go to a news-stand
and buy it. Her shame, her disgrace would be written large
upon her face. No, she must make sure to see it if any answer appeared to her letter, but she must see it first in
the quiet and seclusion of her own room with locked
doors. Whenever, as she went back and forth to the city stores, she saw a copy of that magazine in a window or a
notice of it upon a sign-board, she turned her face guiltily
away. It was as if the name of it was shouted to her from
afar. She dreaded the thought that any one should know
to what depths she had descended, actually to have written
to a public editor for assistance in her trouble. And yet,
and yet in spite of it all and without her own consent, she
was building greatly on the answer that should come to
her. Would they understand what she wanted? And would
they give her any help that she could follow? Or would she have to go blindly all alone? This thought gradually
began to stand out clearly in her confused brain as she tried
to plan while her fingers were executing wonders with her
needle.

A month! And she must be ready for action when her
husband returned. It might be he would be delayed
longer, but she must be ready. Would the printed help
come in time? How long did it take those things to get
to headquarters and fall into line with other questions till at last an answer could come?

She watched the mail from week to week. The day of the arrival of the magazine was an anxious one. She shivered when it was put into her hand and tried to go
about her household duties calmly, forcing herself to
give the cook minute directions sometimes before retir
ing behind locked doors to scan the pages hastily and
then more thoroughly. It must not be suspected that she had more than a passing interest in that magazine.

She read every word from cover to cover to make sure
she did not miss her answer, though she knew such
answers only appeared in a certain column. Meantime
she was gaining much worldly knowledge as she read.
There was a certain “shibboleth” spoken in those col
umns which she foresaw she must make her own if she
would be the success she aimed to be. Unconsciously she
weighed this and that question in dress, household dec
oration, manners, and customs. Without her own
knowledge she grew to apply these newly acquired rules to her own home and life.

At last one morning she found the initials she had
signed to her question staring her in the face.

For one brief instant she closed her eyes and drew a
deep breath. Then her hand fluttered to her heart and
she read with nervous rapidity:

Indeed, I have considered the situation carefully, for I
know exactly what a complex problem you feel you have
to face. But let me reassure you; many and
many a
wife and mother is in a similar predicament. How can it be otherwise when one has since marriage had little children to take care of and is occupied in the most natural, best of all ways
that a woman can be occupied?

Miriam Winthrop caught her breath in a quick, dry
sob at this, and then read on:

But I must congratulate you for the conclusion you have
reached and your wise, wholesome desire to take up social
life again and make a position for yourself and your
husband, and, above all, for your children’s future.

Ah, yes, for her children’s future! But not in the way
the writer meant.

It seems to me it would be unwise to start out to entertain elaborately even if you have the means for it. No, I should not advise you to give a big general reception, nor big dinners, nor anything of the sort. First of all, it would be inappropriate to entertain so in your small house, for you
know there is proportion in everything. But what you
could do is to send out cards for four days next month, let
us say.

Then followed minute directions for the giving of informal little teas, with details of simple refreshments, decorations, forms, and costumes suggested. Nothing was forgotten, though there were no superfluous words
used, from the garb and deportment of the maid who
opens the door to directions about the proper garments
for her husband to wear. Ah, her husband knew to an
exact science how to dress well upon all possible occa
sions. That one suggestion was unnecessary, and a deep
sigh was breathed in her excitement as she read on, more and more convinced that the beginning of the undertaking seemed possible.

There was also a plan of further campaign of dinners
and luncheons and a children’s party hinted at, and the
writer concluded:

Meanwhile you will probably receive invitations
in
return
which you should accept, wearing pretty, becoming dresses
to the entertainments and making as much of yourself as
possible. This is every woman’s duty, especially if she is
a wife and mother. Try to read up on the subjects which
are generally talked of, so that you will be an intelligent
companion besides educating yourself, and try to
find
out
what are the interests of the people you want to know.
Return your calls regularly. When you have established
a position for yourself it will be perfectly permissible for
you, when you meet a stranger at a luncheon, or dinner,
or any entertainment at the house of a mutual friend, to
ask her if you may not call, as you would like to know
her better, so gradually you will enlarge your circle without
forcing yourself. I should advise you, if you have time, to
go into some charitable work; join one of the societies of
your
church, and do what you can to help others outside of your home. By and by send out cards for a series of
days and give during the winter some musicales or
readings, if you can afford them. I am very certain you
will succeed in your undertakings. It only requires tact and thought for others.

She closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair with
another deep sigh as suddenly the appalling magnitude
of the work she had undertaken broke over her. She
faltered at the thought of the wearisome way she must
tread. Would it all pay? Could she do it? Would her
strength and her money hold out till she gained her point
and won her husband to herself? Was it not worse than
useless to try? Might she not better give in at the start and
accept the situation? Never!

She sprang to her feet, throwing the magazine down
and walking excitedly to and fro, her hot brain fairly
reeling under the whirl of plans for sandwiches and
dresses and invitations and sundries which should cost
but a trifle and yet should hold their own with the best.

And from that moment she went forward and would
not
think
the word defeat. She had a clue to the ways of
the great world. It had been given her graciously and
clearly. She could understand and obey. She felt in her
heart that there would be results. If there was failure, it
would be her fault in carrying out instructions; but there
should not
be failure. She would see to that. Had she not
always been able to make or do anything that she had set
her heart upon? She recalled with a weary smile how she
had patiently sewed white feathers on an old ivory fan
frame as a girl, because her dearest wish had been to have
a feather fan and her mother had not considered their
purse was full enough for such an unnecessary expendi
ture. There were other things too, small in themselves,
but as she looked back upon them and recalled how she
had carried her point despite all
obstacles, they gave her
courage to hope that what she had once done she could
do again. Her purpose should be carried out to the end.
It was her only hope. Then with a pitiful sob trembling
in her throat as she drew another deep breath she
unlocked her door and walked forth to begin her
herculean task.

Downtown her resolves led her, to the great stores, where were wonders of the world of fashion in plenty.
Her money was limited and she must use her wits.

It happened to be a good day for her induction into
the science that began in the garden of Eden with a fig
leaf. That was a brilliant exhibition of gowns, robes,
dresses, frocks, or whatever the fashionable name for the
outer covering a woman wears happened to be that
week, and the display of more bewildering beauty of
texture, color, form and fashion than perhaps had ever been seen in that city before.

She paused before the great glass cases containing
these marvels of the dressmakers’ art and began a system
atic study, catching her breath at the enormous impor
tance that the world placed upon clothes, and then
shutting her eyes to her own stupendous audacity.

She went over all the beautiful display once and then
returned to the beginning and began to take notes in
minute detail. There was that great exquisite gray cos
tume. There were possibilities in her own
gray silk, out
of date and somewhat worn. She noted carefully the
little touch of elegance given by the vest of latticed gray velvet ribbon, the spaces filled by filmy spider’s webs in silver thread. Being well versed in lace stitches she took courage. That vest which alone gave the costume its distinguishment would be unattainable to most women without a well-filled purse. To her it was quite possible. Her skillful fingers would help her here with little labor.
The real outer material of the garment need not be
expensive, some light wool with silken threads, and
lined with her old gray silk. She drew a sigh of relief and
passed on, mentally counting the few dollars that would represent this first dress. There would not be many such for she had but few silk dresses that would even do for lining. There was a black one which might work in, and
that was all,
unless she sacrificed her wedding gown. She
almost blushed to think of its simplicity beside the
billows of white satin she at that moment came upon,
encrusted with priceless point lace. She passed it by with
a mere glance and moved on to another simple looking
costume which scarcely seemed to belong to the elabo
rate collection, and appeared almost to be shrinking
behind the card announcing its designer and executor.
Mrs. Winthrop read the card. Not for nothing had she
studied her fashion magazine. She knew the name of that
house in Paris well by this time, and stood in awe before the model of cloth that was representative. She looked from the card back to the gown and began to see detail
such as she had read about and until now had not
understood. What gladdened her more than anything
else was to discover that most of the distinguishing
features of these wonderful dresses were bits of needle work which could easily be attained by one who under
stood embroidery and lace making and all the many little
arts and secrets of fancy work of the higher grade as did she. She blessed the days gone by when she had let her happy fingers learn this cunning while she framed wonderful stories of bears and fairies and poppy-garlanded
nymphs from the land of sweet dreams for her little ones.
Oh, in those days, she had never conceived of the
terrible need in which these accomplishments would bring her aid!