Across Eternity (21 page)

For over an hour, Amber drove around aimlessly as she tried to sort out all
the thoughts racing through her head. Her eyes burned intensely from the
continuous stream of tears. Her nose was stuffed, causing her mouth to become
dry, and her face was puffy from weeping for so long.

She drove down to the harbor and cringed when she saw Logan’s boat in
the slip. Jamming the car in reverse she got onto the freeway and drove up the
coast. However, she found it didn’t matter how fast or how far she drove,
no amount of speed or miles would clear her head enough to make her understand
what the hell was going on.

All her defenses broke when she heard his words in her head, "
It’s
time. I’m ready."

Abruptly, she pulled over to the side of the road, yanked the emergency
brake up, and then banged her hands on the steering wheel until they hurt. She
didn’t stop, she kept on pounding, yelling, and crying until her will
dissolved and she couldn’t hate him anymore.

Emotionally and physically she was tired and afraid. She was tired of
waiting for this moment. She was tired of worrying what it would be like and
how it would feel. She had dreaded it for months and she couldn’t take it
anymore. It was here and it took all the strength she had, but with a deep
breath she let it all go.

As her fingers relaxed their grip, her head fell on the steering wheel. It
was only a matter of a few seconds before all her anger turned into unreserved
love.

The wave of love washed over her like a warm, comforting blanket. It reached
deep and wrapped around her and held her in a place that was immensely
peaceful. As the cloud of anger lifted she could see clearly. Everything made
sense now.

She loved him.

Raising her head, she stared out the window, seeing the beautiful view of
the ocean for the first time. She loved him. She sucked in a deep breath. She
loved him and that was all that mattered.

Flipping her shirt up, she wiped her eyes. It was gone. All the fear that
had consumed her was gone. There couldn’t be fear with true love.
Heather’s face danced before her.

"This is what you felt, isn’t it." She whispered to her
sister. "Loving means no fear. It means forgiving and forgetting. It
means understanding and accepting." She drew in another breath. "I
get it. I understand now."

She sat up taller, feeling better as she did. She had made a promise to
herself that she would be strong for Logan, just as she had been strong for
Heather. She had pushed her own feelings aside to give her sister her undivided
support and that’s what she needed to do now. It wasn’t about her
it was about Logan. What Logan
needed.
What Logan
wanted.

Reaching for the ignition, she started the car. Pulling onto the road she
headed back home. Logan needed her and she was going to be there for him.

* * * *

Amber found Logan sitting on the edge of the bed, his body hunched over, his
elbows propped on his knees, and his head buried in his hands. As she watched
him, her heart felt like it would explode from the emotion she was feeling.
"I love you," she whispered to him.

Logan’s head lifted slowly, a look of surprise on his face.

"Unconditionally," she said softly as she made her way to him.

He stared.

"The love we share has no fear. The love I give you is a love that
doesn’t ask questions. It’s an acceptance." She stopped in
front of him. He did look tired, she realized. Maybe even a little weak.
Charcoal-gray circles were surfacing under his eyes. There was a solemn air
about his. But most noticeable was how pale his beautifully tanned skin had
turned. Why hadn’t she noticed all this before? "I’m sorry
for running out."

He shook his head. "You’re not the one who’s sorry.
I’ve asked way too much of you. How I ever thought you’d understand
this is beyond me."

"I won’t claim that I fully understand it, but I do trust
you."

"Do you?"

"Yes.
Completely.
We are meant to be."

"Yes, we are."

"You’re sure about this?"

"I’ve envisioned it a thousand times." He sucked in a
tired breath. "I’ve known all my life that this is the way that
it’s supposed to be. That you were with me."

Amber nodded. Brushing his hair from his forehead she smiled down at him.
"That’s a long time. I feel like I’m exactly where I’m
supposed to be."

He looked at her tenderly. Taking both of her hands in his, Logan kissed the
tops of them. "Thank you. You’ll never know how much I thank you,
not for just this, for trusting me and for loving me so much."

She squeezed his hands in hers and fought back the tears. She wouldn’t
allow herself to cry.

"I’d like to say if I had to do it all over again I
wouldn’t have dragged you into this situation, but –"

She interrupted him softly. "There’s no going back. If we had to
do it all over again we’d do it just like this."

"Will you lay down with me," he asked. "I’m so
tired."

Amber nodded.

Together, they crawled into the bed and once under the covers, Logan pulled
her against his chest. As she settled in, Amber could hear his heart beating
loudly against her ear. She breathed in his scent and melted against him.

"What do you think you’re going to do over there?" she
asked softly.

Resting his chin against her hair he thought for a moment and then said,
"I’m not really sure."

"The Apaches say it’s whatever you make it," she reminded
him.

"Then I guess I can do anything I choose."

"You always have."

"My family will be here for you."

"I know they will be." She was quiet again as she looked around
the dim room, her eyes roaming aimlessly about. Finally, they settled on the
window where she watched the low clouds pass over the moon. "If you see
Heather will you tell her I love her?"

For this he turned and kissed her on the brow. "Of course I will. But you’ll
be able to tell her that in your own time."

"But if you do see her tell her who you are." Her voice cracked
with emotion. "Tell her you are the man her sister fell hopelessly in
love with."

He smiled faintly. "Was it hopelessly?"

"Yes, from the moment I laid eyes on you." For several breaths,
everything about her was at a standstill. "Will I see you again?"

"I guarantee it. You are a part of me, Amber. You’ll always see
me." He reached for her hand and laced his fingers with her.

"I’m going to miss you." Her voice trembled.

"I will miss you too." He was quiet for a moment. "I
promise there will be a time when your heart won’t ache."

She drew in a ragged breath as she felt his body relax into the mattress.
"It will always ache."

Instead of responding to her statement he said, "Tell me all the
wonderful things you’re going to do." He squeezed her fingers.
"I have set things up to allow you to do whatever you want. Financially,
you’ll never have to worry again."

She fought hard against the tears as she thought about life without him. It
would be empty and incomplete. There wouldn’t be anything worth doing.
"I think I might go back to Ireland for awhile."

"Will you stay in the cottage?"

She only nodded.

"Remember to eat at the pub. Try to go on a Wednesday so you can catch
the house band."

She nodded again, unable to speak.

"I loved watching you dance." His voice was warm and tired.
"If you build
a fire don’t
forget to open
the flu or it will smoke like crazy."

"I won’t."

"I think I chopped enough wood to last awhile. I stuck some extra
kindling in the shed." He allowed his eyes to drift close. "What
else will you do?"

"I want to go to college."

"Will you study medicine?"

She pressed her lips firmly together, refusing to give in to her emotions.
"Perhaps."

His breathing became light and shallow and when he spoke it was low.
"I know I’ve already told you this but I want to tell you again.
There’s nothing you can’t do. And remember, it’s never too
late."

"I know."

"If you want to be a doctor than
be
a
doctor."

She nodded. "I will."

Amber stared at the stars, which were just beginning to come out. It felt
much later than it really was. But then again the day had been long and
eventful. The stars began to blur into a swirling pattern until she blinked and
they came back into focus.

"I laid out all the photos on the kitchen table. I must have taken
over a hundred pictures. It’s a long process but I’m sorting
through them so I can put them into the scrapbooks," she whispered.
"Some of them are breathtaking. I can’t believe we visited so many
beautiful places and met so many amazing people. This world is truly a
remarkable place. Thank you for showing it to me."

The breath he drew in was long and shallow. "I’m glad
you’re with me. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be by my
side," he said with a quiet, labored sigh that was cut short.

She knew the moment that he was gone because his fingers went slack in hers
and the heartbeat in her ear was gone. She wouldn’t look at him though.
If she just kept talking he couldn’t be gone. As long as she talked he
was there with her. "I’m going to call Anna and have her help me.
She’ll at least tell me where to start." She tried to swallow as
she felt her throat constrict. "I’ll make you proud of me,"
she told him as the tears fell so profusely that they blurred her vision.
"I’ll honor you and my sister."

She squeezed his fingers, rubbing her thumbnail against his, wishing he
would say something to her. "I’m sorry I was so selfish, I just
didn’t want to say good-bye." Her nose began to run so she
sniffled. "You were right when you said all good things must come to an
end." She raised his hand to her lips. "I love you." She left
his hand against her lips for the longest time.

Finally she lifted her head and looked at him. He looked like he was
sleeping.
Dreaming a happy dream.
His lips were almost
turned in a smile. She kissed his brow. "I hope you’re happy
Logan." She smiled as she heard his voice echo in her head.
I am
happy.
"I know you are." She ran her hand down his cheek.

Gently, she laid her head back down on his chest and cried harder than
she’d ever cried in her life.

Marian leaned against the counter in Logan’s kitchen. She stared at Amber
quietly as Anna busied herself with fixing them tea and making them a light
lunch. They had left Kevin with a friend in Napa Valley, so the three of them
were alone.

Amber stared blankly out the window. She couldn’t believe that Logan
had been gone for three days. The terrible ache that Logan had said would ease
over time consumed her right now. She was so riddled with pain she
couldn’t think, eat, or even sleep. She wasn’t even sure how she
got through the days.

Most of the time things were just a blur.

Marian moved to Amber and ran her hands down her arms, trying desperately to
comfort her. "I’m so glad you were with him." She pressed her
hand against her chest, her fingers trembling as she did. "I know
I’ve told you that several times but it puts me at peace to know you were
there."

Amber blinked as her puffy, red eyes found Marian’s. How could she be
so calm? Even when she had called her and told her that her son has passed away
in his sleep she was calm. She had cried but it wasn’t the type of hysterical
crying that would be expected when a mother just heard her son had died.

"He lived a long time, Sweetheart."

Amber was quiet. She stared at the flowers, cards, and baskets that people
had sent when they heard the news about Logan’s death.

"Amber, you need to talk about it," Marian insisted.

"There’s nothing to say. He’s gone." She walked over
and fingered the large vase of lilies that the staff from
The Pavilion
had sent. She glanced at Rachael’s personal card and then looked away.
Rachael had written her the most beautiful note and if she thought about it
again she knew she’d start crying.

"You can’t keep it in. Anna and I are both here for you, please
talk to us."

"He was thirty-seven," she said angrily as she turned around.

Marian nodded, lifted the white handkerchief, and wiped at Ambers tears.

"That’s not a long time," she pointed out.

"For some it’s not, "Marian agreed. "But for Logan
it was. Do you know the doctors said he’d most likely die by the age
twelve?"

Amber’s head snapped back. "What? What are you talking about?
What doctors? He saw doctors.
When?"

Marian exchanged a look with her daughter and then looked back at Amber.
"He didn’t tell you?" She shook her head as she whispered.
"Oh, Logan, why didn’t you tell her?"

"Tell me what?" Amber pushed away the handkerchief Marian tried
to hand her. She was very eager to hear what they had to say. "You both
knew."

"I’m sorry," Marian said. "I just assumed he told
you. No wonder why you’re feeling like this."

Anna set a cup of tea on the counter, near Amber and then turned and looked
at her mother. "Mom, you know Logan better than that. He never told
anyone about his illness.
Because to him, he wasn’t
sick."

"What are you talking about" Amber asked.

Anna spoke gently, "Logan was terminal. My brother has been sick his
entire life."

Marian took a deep breath as she smiled weakly at Amber. "He knew the
terms of his condition but he wasn’t going to live his life as if he was
going to die. So he never did."

Amber’s hands began to shake uncontrollably.

"Logan was diagnosed when he was four and at the time there were only
seventeen others known with his condition. Of course there was no
treatment." Marian shook her head as she remembered. "But the
diagnosis never really meant anything to him."

"I don’t understand?"

Marian saw Amber wobble. "Let’s move to the table and
sit." She ushered her to a chair and them moved her own chair right
beside her. Pushing a stack of pictures aside, she smiled at one of Logan
wearing a safari hat. "Logan never thought he was going to die when the
doctors told him he was. He refused to listen to them."

Amber lifted her gaze and stared at Marian urging her to continue.

"He would look at me and say, in the most serious voice, ‘how do
they know when I’m going to die’. It was very hard to argue with
that kind of attitude." She shook her head as she remembered. "He
was never discouraged by what the doctors would say.
Never.
In fact, he’d sit in the car, pressed right up against me, on the way
home from an appointment and tell me not to worry because he wasn’t going
anywhere." She wiped at the fresh stream of tears. "He said there
were things here he wanted to do and when
he
was finished with them then
he’d go."

"And boy did he do them,’ Anna added with a wistful smile.

"I cringed when his twelfth birthday came," Marian admitted
ruefully. "When I carried his cake out he looked me in the eyes and said,
‘I told you I wasn’t going anywhere.’ From then on I believed
him. I knew he’d go only when he was ready to go. I stopped taking him to
the doctors and allowed him to live his life how he wanted to."

Amber looked confused. "Why didn’t he tell me?"

"For the same reason he never told anyone else. He didn’t want
it to change things."

Anna nodded in agreement with her mom. "When I became old enough he
didn’t even want me to know."

"That’s true," Marian said. "He said people treated
him differently when they found out he was sick. He was right too, I would see
it sometimes. When I agreed no more doctors I also agreed no more talk of him
being sick. Actually, we haven’t spoken of it since."

"But if he had told me then I would have understood. There were so
many times that I was confused. I thought it was a choice." Amber glanced
down at the pictures, her heart breaking as she did. "I would have known
it was because he was sick," she said weakly.

Marian reached for her hand. "But it wasn’t because he was sick.
It was because he was ready."

"I don’t understand," Amber said shaking her head.
"How could he hang on for so many years and then just be ready."

"I think you know the answer to that."

Amber looked at her helplessly.

"He had the chance to love you," Marian said seriously.
"That’s all he really wanted to do was find you and
know
what it felt like to love you."

Anna touched her softly on the arm. "That’s the truth. We
didn’t know it at the time but when mom and I saw him with you, we knew
the reason why he hung on so long. It wasn’t the studies or the
businesses that he thrived on, it was
waiting for
you."

Marian smiled gently at Amber. "I think he traveled so much because he
wasn’t quite sure where you’d be. He didn’t want to miss you.
Granted he had fun looking for you, but it was also he didn’t want to
leave any stone unturned."

All of it was so hard for Amber to take in. She closed her eyes momentarily
as she processed everything. "I couldn’t tell he was sick,"
she said softly.
"At least not at first."

"There were symptoms, you just didn’t recognize them. Actually,
most people don’t recognize them." Anna paused. "Insomnia was
one of the biggest."

"He refused to take sleeping pills," Marian added. "He
refused to take anything. With the exception of a few treatments when he was
younger. He lived all this time by sheer determination."

Anna looked out the window and then back to Amber. "His hunger for
knowledge was also a symptom. His body produced chemicals that sent everything
into overdrive, even his brain." Anna continued on. "His beautiful
tan skin was also caused by the disease."

Marian nodded. "His dark tan was what lead doctors to his
diagnosis" She explained further. "He wasn’t feeling very
well and when I took him to the doctor he asked me why was Logan so tan in the
dead of winter. That one question was what started years of testing and
examinations."

Amber shook her head despondently, giving in to all of it. "But
it’s so unfair."

"To us it is," Marian agreed.

"He never looked at it as being unfair," Anna said.

"No, he didn’t." Marian dabbed at her eyes. "Amber,
sweetheart, there is nothing harder than losing a child. Trust me. But
I’ve been blessed. I’ve been lucky enough to spend most of my life
in the presence of this man who is not only my son, but also my hero. From him,
I’ve learned to give without expecting anything back, to love unconditionally,
and to sacrifice for the things in which I believe. He has taught me that a
terminal diagnosis is no reason to stop living or even believing that life will
be cut short. He taught me that death is nothing to fear.
Whether
it’s mine or someone else’s."
She drew in a long
breath. "He might have been here a short time but he did more than
most."

"I need to be alone," Amber said suddenly.

Marian nodded and kissed her on the head when she stood up. "Take your
time. We’ll be outside if you need us."

In a daze, Amber made her way to Logan’s bedroom. Standing in the
doorway she stared at the bed. The bed they had made love in, the bed he had
died in. She would give anything to feel his arms around her right now.

Moving into the room, she went to the dresser. She wanted to smell him.
Opening the top drawer, which held his t-shirts, was when she saw it, a pink,
square envelope with nothing more than her name sprawled across the front in
Logan’s handwriting.

Picking it up, she methodically moved to the bed and sat down. Her eyes
closed. Suddenly, she could see him standing before her. He was playing with
Kevin in the front yard. He was sitting in one of his restaurants watching her
work. He was on a terrace in Italy pouring a glass of wine. He was at the ocean
holding her hand tightly in his. He was quietly watching the sun set. He was
everywhere, she realized. The background started to fade and all that was left
was his face. His eyes caught hers and he smiled. The smiled washed through her
in heavenly waves of love until it reached her very core.

Taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes and looked down at the envelope in
her hands. With shaky fingers she used her thumb to break the seal. A small
carved wooden angel was tucked against a folded note. She turned the angel over
in her hands staring at the beautiful craftsmanship. She smiled. He
didn’t do anything unless it was done right. Glancing at the bottom, she
saw something.
Neatly, carved, "for my love, for my
angel."
The words were tiny and just below them there was only
enough room for a single L.

Holding the angel in her palm she unfolded the note.

My Dearest Amber,

As I write this I can honestly tell you for the first time in my life
I’m nervous because I know I must leave you soon. I can’t change
what must happen nor would I if I could. So, as I sit here on the deck, looking
up at the stars, I have to believe the time that I have been given with you
here on earth will be enough.

As you read this please know that I’m okay. I am now truly free and
at peace. Before I met you, my nights were long and sometimes hard. It’s
difficult being up all the time, your mind always going. I’m not
complaining, just explaining. There were times when thoughts of you were the
only thing that kept me going. Some nights I would pray for sleep, not for the
rest but, so I could dream of you. You gave my body and my mind relief from my
illness. I’m sorry I never told you—I hope that you understand and
forgive me. My mom and sister will explain. I made a promise once that if I was
allowed to live just long enough to find you I’d never complain or speak
of it again.

I hope you realize that you are the one that gave me life. You came back
so I could live. We both knew what would keep me going was the drive to find
you. You sacrificed so I could live and longer life. For that I am eternally
grateful.

The cottage in Ireland is yours— a gift from me to you. Our time
there I will never forget. I will always see you there, silently reading on the
porch, picking flowers in the meadow, and the endless nights of love making.
And yes, we shall meet up there again someday.

Amber, enjoy your life and all the freedoms that it allows you.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do. If you
want it, just do it. It really is as simple as that.

The world is in beautiful divine order and so was our relationship,
please never question that. And if there were any doubt, I love you and I
always will. Neither time nor death will ever change that. Just as you were my
angel I’ll now be yours. This is just the beginning not the end. Enjoy
this life, my love, for you will see me again. A wise woman once said, "
it
is what it is and its okay. I’ll be okay,
you’ll be okay, and the world will keep turning." If I have left
you with anything I hope that it is simply to live without fear and trust what
it happening to you—it’s for a reason.

I have seen so many of our
lives,
I can’t
help but smile and wonder what is yet to come. I love you with all my heart and
soul. Remember, I’m all around you… I could never be anywhere else.

Until we meet again.

All My Love,

Logan