Authors: Heather Sosbee
Being here is a little overwhelming
and exciting at the same time. Sometimes I just want to fade in the background and observe, while other times I want to mingle and fit in. Everyone has been really friendly, and for that, I am so grateful.
Lára sits down at the table across from me, and sips on her beer. Gazing around the place, she nods to a few people she recognizes. I don
’t see Ari, Gunnar, or Helgi at the moment, but that’s fine. It gives me a little time to chat with Lára.
“What do you think about Gunnar?” I ask her conspiratorially, grinning.
“Ah, Gunnar. He’s a great guy. He’s funny and he’s a musician. He’ll be playing tonight, actually. Are you attracted to him?” She leans in toward me, as if we are sharing secrets.
“I think he is very attractive, yes. Maybe I
’ll try and get to know him better.” I shrug; I don’t really know what I want right now. Lára looks at me pointedly for a moment, beer suspended in her hand on its way to her mouth.
“I know about you and Ari, you know.”
Her sudden remark causes me to jerk in shock. My eyes fly to her.
“I know you and him had a lot of feelings for each other. I
’m sorry you two couldn’t work out.” Her face is expressionless, and the vibe I’m getting from her now isn’t as friendly as it was a few moments ago.
“Well, some things just aren
’t meant to be.” I’m grasping at anything to say that doesn’t make me sound suspicious.
Anything that won’t clue her in to the fact that her boyfriend was grinding his cock all over my pussy last night
. I grab my beer and chug to avoid having to say any more.
“Yes, that
’s right. Some things just aren’t meant to be.” Her point is clear to me now. She is making sure I understand that Ari is off limits…at least if the tone of her voice says anything. I’m swamped with guilt but somehow I keep my face smooth and free of emotion. Nodding at her as though I agree, I lift my beer for a toast.
“Here
’s to finding what is meant to be.” Our beers clang together with the sound of aluminum full of liquid, beer sloshing over the sides and bubbling out of the top.
Cheers indeed
.
******
MSN Chat
June, 2007
salemsme:
Hey.
marxist:
Hi, how are you?
salemsme:
I’m ok. Are you busy? Can I chat with you a bit?
marxist:
Always.
salemsme:
Tommy and I broke up. It’s all over. On one hand, I’m so relieved because I’m completely wiped. On the other hand, I can’t stay here anymore. I have to get out of this house. Living with him is only making everything worse, and sooner or later I’m going to have to call the cops.
marxist:
That motherfucker. He’s so goddamned lucky that I live way over here. Well, what are your options?
salemsme:
Well, I’ve purchased a ticket to go to Iceland….
marxist:
No way! When will you be coming?
salemsme:
I’ll be there in 17 days. Emilia offered me a place to stay. She knows a bit about what’s going on with Tommy. I think now is the perfect time to go and get away from everything.
marxist:
Ah. No way.
salemsme:
No way?! What does that mean?
marxist:
Well, you know that Lára and I are dating, right? Nothing can happen between you and me.
salemsme:
I know that, Ari. I know. I can’t just wait to go to Iceland until you decide one day to break up with her. I’m not asking for anything from you like that. Just be to me what you can be, whatever it is. Even if that means you are just being my friend. Can you do that?
marxist:
I’ll do my very best.
Present Day
I’ve guzzled down four beers and have quite a collection of guys sitting around my table. It’s pretty amusing, especially after all these beers. I guess the wolves have scented the new meat!
Oh yeah, I’m the new meat
. Whatever that means.
Sounds like it could lead to something kinky
.
I
’ve been enjoying the flirting and fun banter I’ve had with these guys, and they’ve kept me from becoming thirsty. Three out of these four beer cans didn’t come out of my own private supply. That’s a nice bonus.
Now, remembering all of their names is something I don
’t think I can do. I’ve been lucky to recall the names I’ve learned before tonight, so I’m not going to stress too much about it right now. Plus, the music playing is a bit loud, and I’m not completely sure that I fully heard what their names were to begin with.
Standing up and excusing myself to Lára and the guys, I head
toward the bathroom. Along the way I come upon Gunnar, who is setting up some of the equipment that I had seen earlier when we arrived.
Now
’s my chance to do some flirting. Gunnar is unaware that I have spotted him, and I brush up against him to catch his attention. I step onto my tiptoes and slide my arm to rest my hand lightly on the back of his neck as I lean toward his ear.
“Wanna dance?” I say into his ear. He grins at me, slightly apologetic.
“I’m not so sure that’s a great idea.” He gives me a face full of regret and pulls back from me to attend to his music contraption some more. I just blink at him and stand there in shock. He laughs at bit when he sees my expression.
“It
’s not that I don’t think you’re beautiful, because you are. Don’t take any offense to what I said. I just know Ari.” I wrinkle my brow distastefully at his response.
“If you say so,” I saw wryly. I
’m not very impressed. Obviously flirting with Gunnar is a no-go, so I shrug and smile at him, and then look for the direction of the bathroom again.
I
’m stopped suddenly when my eyes collide with a pair of bright blue eyes. Eyes that cause my heart to pitter patter in an irregular rhythm.
Ari
. My whole body comes to a halt and I just stare back.
A few seconds pass before I realize that he
’s frowning at me, and occasionally looking over my shoulder to where Gunnar is. I realize that he is assuming that something is going on between Gunnar and I.
Good
.
Let him wallow in the misery it causes
. I laugh a little at myself.
I
’m brought out of my internal laughter when a hand grabs my upper arm and yanks me forward, pulling me at a very quick pace toward the door. It takes me a few seconds to realize that Ari is the one pulling me. We head out the front door and around the side to the back of the building where there aren’t any windows.
Ari pushes me up against the wall pretty forcefully and I hit it with a thud. I’m not overly amused. I am not a fan of being man-handled, especially when I haven’t done anything to warrant or deserve it. I get in his face and lift my hand to jab him in the chest with my index finger.
“What the fuck do you think you
’re doing, pushing and pulling me around like that? Never in a million years would I imagine you treating me this way. Explain. Now.” I stomp my foot for added emphasis that I mean business.
“Stay away from Gunnar. He can
’t have you.” He growls at me, practically snarling. I didn’t realize how angry he was until now. I think sparks would be flying out of his eyes if it were possible. His eyes look up and down my body, and I can almost feel his gaze as though it were his fingers. A familiar tingle begins down below, and I struggle to stay strong against it.
“You have absolutely no say in who can or cannot have me. I am a single woman who can and will do whatever the fuck I want to. You, however, are not single. This means you have zero say about what happens regarding my love life. So, piss off!” That
’ll tell him.
My blood is starting to heat up as adrenaline begins to flow through me. My breathing is getting heavier
and turning into panting. I’m locked and loaded, ready for a fight.
Or a fuck
.
Ari seems to be in the same state as I am in
. He seems completely livid. He’s hotter than hell and dripping sex. Glancing down, I see he is hard and pressing against the zipper of his jeans. He comes toward me and backs me into the wall while his eyes bore intensely into mine.
“Maybe you
’re right and I don’t get a say, but I can’t stand the thought of one of my friends, or anyone, touching you. They don’t deserve it. I’ve waited too long.” He brings his face next to mine, his lips close to my ear.
“Only my hands get to touch you.” His gruff whisper is accompanied by one of his hands as it runs down my ribs and waist. “Only my mouth gets to kiss you.” His teeth grab my earlobe, pulling lightly before letting go. “Only my cock gets to fuck you. Got it? You
’re mine, Brooke.” He accentuates his last statement by rubbing his cheek against mine, and his cock against my hip. A shiver runs down my spine. I like the sound of that. Don’t tell anyone.
My entire body is trembling and I can
’t say a single thing. My mouth is dry and I am completely under his spell. His hands are on me and I can’t form proper thoughts. Waves of desire wash through me, leaving my clit to throb in tempo with my racing heart. Raising my hand to pull him closer, I begin rubbing my body against his like a cat in heat.
I can feel Ari
’s heart beating against my chest, and his lips are dragging up and down my neck, not quite kissing me.
My brain comes out of
its desire drugged state long enough for me to realize what’s happening. Putting my hands against his chest, I push him back.
“Ari, just stop. You can
’t say things like that to me. It’s not fair to me, Lára, or to you. Look at us; we can barely control ourselves around each other. When my vacation is over, I’m leaving. Lára will still be here, though, and you’ll be left with whatever mess you’ve made if you keep acting like this.” It pains me to be the voice of reason. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I left so much ruin in the wake of my departure.
With a sad smile
, I turn to head back inside the bar. Ari grabs my shoulder unexpectedly and spins me around to face him again. Before I can blink, his lips are on mine. They are hot, insistent, and so fucking good. I moan softly; this is exactly where I belong. His hand wraps around the base of my neck to hold me in place.
When it comes down to it, I can
’t resist Ari. Not really. You can’t deny the truth, no matter how hard you try. I allow myself to give in briefly to the kiss and savor the feeling of his lips against mine.
With
my arms wrapped around his neck to draw him closer, I open my mouth to allow him inside. My head is swimming with a mixture of dizziness and desire, and I need to hold on to him to keep from turning into a puddle on the ground. There’s something else mixed in this kiss, and I’m not quite ready to admit that to anyone, not even myself.
The feeling that we are in our own bubble comes over me and our kiss feels as though it
’s happening in slow motion. His tongue licks at my lower lip before sneaking inside to caress mine. I can taste beer and his own special flavor. He’s so goddamned delicious.
I get lost in the kiss and have no idea how long it lasts. His mouth lays claim to mine in a repeated attack on my lips and tongue, nibbling and sucking along the way. I
’m overwhelmed, to say the least, and full of confusion.
I can feel tears filling my eyes, and a swell of emotion overcomes me. A single salty drop
trickles down my cheek to mingle with our lips. I know he can taste my tear, and he pulls back slightly to gaze down at me. His thumb comes forward to brush against my swollen lower lip.
“You have no right to do this to me.” I sniffle a little at him. “You can
’t just kiss me like this, and then go back to your girlfriend. You need to figure your shit out. I can’t play this back and forth game with you anymore, Ari. It’s her or me. You can’t have both. Make your choice.” I pull out of his embrace and wipe my face with the back of my hand to clear any traces of tears. I’ll have to head to the bathroom to fix my makeup now.
I give
Ari one last glance and press my fingertips to my lips. I’ll never forget this kiss. I’ve been waiting for it for far too long. It was everything I dreamed of, minus the whole stupid fucking girlfriend bullshit. I grab a tight hold on my anger and use that to help me walk away from Ari. He looks like he’s just lost something he wanted more than anything.
After freshening up in the bathroom, I head back to the table and sit down. My good spirits are severely lacking,
although I’m determined to continue to enjoy this evening. I’ll just put Ari out of my mind the best I can. Lára is still in her seat, chatting with another woman who sounds like she is from New Zealand. Lára extends her hand to me to include me in the conversation.
“Sophie, this is Brooke. Brooke, meet Sophie.” I shake hands with Sophie, plastering a friendly smile on my face. She has long, almost whit
ish-blonde hair. I can’t tell how long her it is due to it being in a fishtail braid. Her bangs are long and partially in her mossy green eyes. Along with her dimples, full lower lip, and a sweet, heart shaped face, she’s really beautiful.
“Nice to meet you,” I say
with a nod in her direction. I’m not really in any mood to meet people. In all honesty, I just want to head back to the house and go to sleep. Instead, I grab another beer.
Sighing to myself, I realize that I won
’t be able to enjoy my evening if I sit here like a little fucking baby, throwing a tantrum.
Grow up, Brooke
. Sitting up straighter in my seat, I turn to Sophie with a smile.
“So do you know the band that
’s playing tonight?” She asks me, obviously excited.
******
Present time
Ari
Ah, fuck. I’ve made a huge mess of everything. I just couldn’t stop myself when she went to leave. I was desperate. Where there the heck did my control go?
I
’m really fucking scared that she’s going to leave Iceland and that will be it. This is my one and only chance, and I’m between a rock and a hard place.
I
’m pacing around behind Hópið, trying to pace off some steam before I head back inside. I kick the dumpster for good measure. A dull ache in my foot tells me that wasn’t the best choice, but I am feeling a little calmer.
Rubbing my hands all over my face, I stop and try to think straight. The palms of my hands still itch with
yearning. I want Brooke so badly that my hands are shaking with it. She was right in front of me and I almost had her. God, she looked so beautiful and fierce. I just had to have a taste. She was so sweet, too. I feel like it was well worth the wait.
Lára deserves better from me, doesn
’t she? I’ve been with her over a year now, and for me to just leave her for Brooke like this would be a slap in the face. I love Lára.
Don
’t I?
I
’ve always thought of myself as the guy who does what’s right, who has solid morals. I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend before, and I can honestly say that I haven’t even really been interested before now. I feel so guilty, and I still have to walk inside and pretend like nothing occurred. I didn’t ask for any of this to happen.
When my eyes met Brooke
’s for the first time, everything changed. Pieces inside of me moved around and left me a different person. I’m not really sure who that person is right now and I’m really confused. Do I dare to risk losing everything I have here? She’s just going to leave anyway, right?
Hearing
footsteps heading in my direction, I glance up and see Gunnar coming toward me. I give him a nod and stop pacing.
“Are you alright, man?”
I can see concern in his eyes. He must have seen Brooke head back inside.
“If you were me, Gunnar, what would you do? I feel like I
’m living someone else’s life.” I look out toward where the sun is partially dipping into the ocean. The mountains frame the fjord until they part to reveal the open ocean that seems to never end. The beauty and familiarity of the view calms me down a bit. It always reminds me that I’m just one person in a very big world.
“I
’d do what’s necessary to be happy. If Brooke leaves, how will you feel after? Will you regret it for the rest of your life?” Gunnar takes a hand and sweeps it over his goatee, obviously in deep thought.
“Will you be on your deathbed thinking to yourself
that if you could’ve changed one thing in your life, it would’ve been to never let Brooke go?” He chuckles at himself a little. “Obviously, that’s a bit dramatic, but I think you know what I mean.”
I do know what he means, but somewhere inside of me, I feel as though it
’s more complicated than that. I’ve known Lára for almost as long as I have been chatting with Brooke, in person. Just because I have strong feelings for Brooke doesn’t mean that they’re automatically more important than the feelings I have for Lára, right? Could I just be feeling lust or infatuation for Brooke? Ugh, I don’t know. Maybe I
am
over complicating everything. I need another beer.
“You
’ve got some really great points, things for my brain to munch on. I know I have to figure this shit out, and soon. Brooke won’t be here forever. She has her own life back in the States, and she’ll go back to it. It’s just that Emilia is one of my best friends. I love Lára, and those girls are best friends, too. I don’t want to ruin our friendships, only to have it not work out with Brooke. I’ll be left here with the backlash, and she’ll be long gone.”
Something Brooke said to me a long time ago comes to mind.
Nothing in life is certain. If we spend all our time asking ourselves “What if?” then we will waste so much time that should be spent living. I will always jump in with both feet and try my best.
I wonder if I have the guts to jump in like Brooke does.
******
Present time
Brooke
I’ve been chatting a bit with Sophie, and she seems to be a really charming girl. She’s hilarious, too. I could see myself becoming fast friends with her.
She leans back in her chair to scan the crowd.
“Did you take part in the festivities in town this morning?”
“No, we just took it kind of easy. What about you?”
“I was feeling a bit crook this morning, not so much up to playing games with a bunch of cow spankers, if you know what I mean.” I don’t really know what she means; it’s hard enough hearing what she says over the music playing. Let alone to decipher what these terms mean with her accent. I notice that she’s constantly looking over in the direction where Gunnar and his band mates are performing.
“I woke up to an awesome orgasm this morning,” Lára suddenly says. My eyes whip
back over to her, and see that she’s staring at me with an unreadable expression. I get the feeling that this is a personal jab in my direction, judging by the tiniest lift of her lips in a sneer.
My mind finally realizes what she
’s just said. Ari gave Lára an orgasm this morning. Probably during the time I was sitting outside eating my granola bar. A very thick, very hot flow of anger, jealousy, and embarrassment fill me completely. I can even feel the tingle of my cheeks heating up.
My stomach does a flip, and I almost feel like I
’m going to hurl. Swallowing a few times to get rid of the extra saliva that forms previous to puking, I slip a wobbly smile onto my face and struggle to keep my body from betraying my feelings.