Authors: Heather Sosbee
My dark side starts to throw a fit. She
’s throwing her arms around and pacing inside of me, practically spitting in anger. She can’t stand the thought of Ari touching this girl. She wants to reach forward, grab Lára by the hair, and slam her face down on the table. My fingers twitch, and stifling that feeling takes a greater effort than I would have imagined. Apparently my dark side is very jealous bitch.
I
’ve never been a jealous person in the past, which has been nice, and now I’m thinking jealousy comes when there is something much more between two people. Well, at least there is much more from me.
How could Ari do this? How could he touch me like he did last night and just earlier outside the bar, yet do whatever he did with her this morning? My mind cruelly proceeds to imagine all the things he could have done to her to bring her to orgasm. Did he go down on her? Did he finger her? Did he fuck her? I can
’t even bear the thought.
Lára hasn
’t said anything for a moment. She’s just watching my reaction with a smug little grin on her face. She’s rubbing my face in this on purpose. Why would she do that?
What a fucking bitch.
Sophie interrupts my inner turmoil by loudly congratulating Lára, patting her back for a job well done and wagging her eyebrows with enthusiasm.
“Well, blow me down! Lucky little Lára. While I was spewing this morning, she was getting one laid on her. I need to find a bloke to give me one of those.” She nudges Lára with her elbow and nods her head in the direction of the band playing. If I wasn’t feeling so terrible at this moment, I’d be laughing at how comical Sophie is.
“I
’d bust a gut to get a night with the dark haired one over there to give it to me.” I follow her gaze to see that she’s talking about Gunnar. He’s rocking some kind of music synthesizer and playing some seriously sexy beats while the people gathered around dance sensually together.
Nice
.
My eyes spot Ari coming in our direction and I
let a long breath. Right now, I don’t really want to see him. Thinking about the kiss now makes me feel really dirty. I feel kind of used and second hand…cheap, even. I can’t even bring myself to make steady eye contact with him.
Coming up behind Lára, Ari drags a chair so that he is sitting kind of behind her.
“Ahh, here’s the bloke who did the deed, Lára?” Sophie is obviously a bit drunk.
“Did what?” Ari asks her, a bit wary.
“You gave your old lady the big O for brekkie. Don’t worry, mate. She was singing your praise.” Ari’s eyes fly over to me when he eventually deciphers what she’s saying. I can see his throat work as he swallows. I think that might even be a bit of guilt and regret in his eyes. I just have no idea if he is feeling guilty for giving his girlfriend an orgasm (
ok, that sounds ridiculous
) or because I learned about it. Maybe’s he’s feeling bad that he kissed me earlier.
My dark side is hugely unsatisfied with all of this. She is ready to start punching someone. I
’m worried that she’s had a bit too much to drink. Now might be a good time for me to head back to our place and go to sleep. I’m really tired of feeling bad about this situation all the time.
I think
I need to start planning my trip back to the States soon. I’ll probably just go back to California, as I’m not sure how much longer I can handle all of this tension, uncertainty, and drama. I have a feeling things aren’t going to get any easier from here on out.
Surprisingly, these thoughts make my heart squeeze
painfully. Can I just walk away from Ari? I’m not sure that if I did, that we could ever recover.
******
MSN Chat
Mid 2006
Brooke is in Indiana.
salemsme
is
away.
marxist:
I miss you. I miss our talks. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately at the university that I haven’t been around as much. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you.
marxist:
I also have something to tell you. I’ve been waiting to tell you, and I’m not sure why, but I think you need to hear it from me.
marxist:
You know Emilia’s friend, Lára? Well, we’ve started seeing each other. For a few weeks now.
marxist
: She’s a really nice girl. I just wanted to let you know.
marxist:
I just… I just really miss you. Don’t forget.
******
Present time
Brooke
I
’ve been lying in bed for about half an hour now, tossing and turning. I feel so restless. We left the bar around three in the morning, even though it was impossible for me to know what time it was then, with the sun hovering around as though it was six or seven in the evening. Eventually we all just left. Gunnar walked home with us, too.
I was really grateful he came with us, because I would have felt like absolute
shit if I had been alone with Lára and Ari. I’m feeling a bit delicate right about now, and I’m unsure what I’m supposed to do.
I
’m completely filled with the desire to rip Lára’s hair out and slap the shit out of Ari. I truly feel like this whole situation is bullshit. I can’t wait to get back to Reykjavík and not be surrounded by these two together. I can’t handle it anymore.
Turning
back over onto my side, I close my eyes once again and try counting sheep. A sudden light banging on the wall next to me catches my attention. It’s repetitive in nature, and I roll my eyes dramatically.
You have got to be fucking kidding me. Really, you two?
Above the banging is Lára
’s voice. She’s starting to make sounds like a cat in heat. Honestly, it sounds like she’s making the noises on purpose, and I am not amused. Her moans are over dramatic and fake sounding. There is only one reason that she would be doing that, and it’s because she’s trying to make a statement to me.
“Oh, oh, oooh!” She
’s wailing obnoxiously. If this were a movie, this would be the moment when you (the viewer) and I (the narrator) would make ‘eye contact’ and pass a look of understanding between us at how terrible she sounds.
“Ari, don
’t stop! Fuck me just like that!” I fold the pillow over my ears to block out her caterwauling. I’m realizing now that Lára feels threatened by me, and she’s trying to intimidate me into backing off. She’s trying to prove that her relationship with Ari is set in cement. This probably means they are anything but cement. She must be feeling insecure, or jealous. Maybe she can sense that Ari has feelings for me and is trying to protect her territory.
I
’m surprised though, to hear that the banging on the wall has stopped very shortly after Lára was finished yelling. I’m hoping that it’s because Ari wasn’t appreciative of her dramatics and not because she came.
I eventually drift off to a troubled sleep while my brain torments me with mental pictures of what was going on in the next room.
******
We
’re currently driving back to Reyjkavík. We’ve been on the road a few hours so far. The morning was quiet and awkward for all three of us. We’re riding home with Gunnar and Helgi, and it’s uncomfortably quiet in the backseat where we are all sitting.
Gunnar and Helgi have tried to keep the flow of conversation going, but I just think we are exhausted from the weekend and uncomfortable from all the tension and drama between us. I
’ve mostly kept to myself by staring off toward the scenic view outside of my window.
I
’ve been pondering Lára’s behavior and what it does to me. It’s very obvious that she feels threatened, and her actions are making me feel the same way in return.
This can’t possibly end well.
I
’ve mentioned before that I am very contrary and tend to do the opposite of what I’m told. Considering how feisty my dark side is becoming these days, I have a feeling that this won’t bode well for Lára.
A big part of me
wants to purposely try to take Ari away from her out of spite. When I consider how strongly I feel about him, my heart constricts in my chest like a vice. I can’t admit to myself that I love him yet, though. The insecurities I feel about opening myself up to another person at this point in my life makes it impossible.
Without having the security of knowing that he loves me and is willing to
only be with me, I cannot admit the depth of my feelings. The reality of my departure from this country looms in the not so distant future, and I have to try remaining as realistic as I can. Unless he asks me to be with him officially, I cannot and will not stay here for long. It’s just too much.
We begin driving into a small town that I vaguely recognize from the drive to Tálknafjörður.
“I’m hungry,” Gunnar comments as he glances in the rear view mirror. “Can we stop for lunch here in Borgarnes?”
I nod at him and everyone else in the car murmurs their agreement. After a few more minutes of driving, we pull into a parking lot that looks like the perfect tourist place to grab a bite while driving through the town.
We all climb out of the car, stretching our legs from being cramped for the last few hours, and wander inside. The weather today is beautiful. We’ve been gifted with so much sun for most of my visit.
“I think you brought the sun with you, Brooke.” Gunnar calls to
me; he’s farther ahead, holding the door to the restaurant open for all of us.
“California ladies tend to do that
.” I smile at him as I head past him and inside. I walk up to the counter where orders are placed and start to check out the menu up on the wall. I really have to pee, so I head toward the bathroom.
******
I finish up my business and head to the sink to wash my hands. Lára comes into the bathroom and looks around until she finds me at the sinks. She comes closer, crosses her arms, and rests her hip against the counter.
Her eyes narrow at me
and it appears that she’s contemplating what she’s going to say next. I grab a paper towel from the dispenser and begin to dry my hands slowly, all the while waiting for her to say whatever it is that’s on her mind.
“So,” she begins, sounding annoyed. “You
’re not going to keep this up for much longer, are you?”
I blink. I wasn
’t expecting her to be confrontational.
“And what is it that I
’m not supposed to be doing?” I voice the question cautiously without backing down. My dark side is pushing to the front and popping her knuckles in preparation for a brawl.
“You know very well what I
’m talking about. You don’t fit in here. Nobody wants you here. Ari doesn’t want you, obviously. You can’t seem to take a hint. You really should just consider going back to where you came from. I’m not even sure why you’ve come here in the first place. What exactly did you think would happen when you arrived? Ari would just realize he was totally in love with you and leave me? Don’t you know that he could never love you? You’re just some stupid girl he met online. That’s not real, Brooke. You need to realize that and grow up. He will never want you like he wants me.” She is completely serious and has stepped closer to me, trying to intimidate me.
My blood is starting to pump adrenaline through all my limbs and I
’m really indecisive on how I should handle this situation. The reasonable part of me says to just walk away, because in a sense, she’s right. I can’t just come and interrupt their lives. It kind of hurts when she says I don’t fit in.
What if she’s right
?
If Ari really did want me, he would be with me
, right? Maybe what she’s saying is completely true. Have I been delusional in all of this? Am I the whole problem?
Nonetheless, my
dark side scoffs at these thoughts and tosses her hair over her shoulder. She is certain that the only reason Lára is even doing this is because she’s insecure. Perhaps things aren’t as well as she lets on between her and Ari. I take a step closer to Lára and plaster a sweet smile to my face.
“If he loves you so much, you should have nothing to worry about.” I
keep a light and unconcerned tone to my voice.
“He
’s mine, Brooke. Back the fuck off.” I can’t believe she’s threatening me. My dark side is prancing around with glee.
“I always love a challenge
,” I retort with a smirk as I raise an eyebrow and lift my hand to lightly pat her on the cheek. I move around her and walk out of the bathroom door, to order some food.
I’m not going to bore you with the details of how uncomfortable the remainder of the trip was. All I did the rest of the time was look out the window, and think of how I was going to handle this situation.
Now that we
’re back in Reykjavík, I don’t feel like I am any closer to figuring it out. I’m not one to take threats and bullying very well, and I am struggling with myself to keep the dark side from completely taking over.
Pulling my suitcase out of the trunk of the car, and waving goodbye to Gunnar, I head
toward the door that leads to Emilia’s flat. Ari and Lára are behind me and I’m just in a hurry to get out of their immediate company.
I push
the button that notifies Emilia that we’ve arrived. I hear the buzzing that indicates the door downstairs is unlocked, so we can head inside. I make quick work of the stairs since Emilia is waiting for us in her entryway.
I rush
toward her, and give her a warm, solid hug. The sincerity of our friendship causes my throat to tighten. I haven’t been able to share anything regarding Ari with her, because she is so close with Lára. I haven’t been able to speak with a single person about it, except for the threats that Lára laid on me.
“It
’s so good to see you again. How are you feeling?” I give her a smile that reflects how relieved I am to be around someone who appreciates my company.
“I
’m feeling much better now, thanks for asking. How was the weekend?” I can see the concern in her eyes, and I know she can read that I’m struggling with something.
“We
’ll have a chat about it after I unpack. I’ll be down in a bit.” I slide my sneakers off, putting them on the shoe rack, and head up the stairs to my room. I don’t say anything to Ari or Lára as I go.
Dropping my suitcase onto the bed, I unzip it and begin to pull my toiletries out. Lára and Emilia are talking, and I hear Emilia say goodbye to Ari. He must be going down to his car to wait for Lára.
I push aside my suitcase and lay down stomach first on the bed. I pull my laptop over and sign on to fiddle with the internet. I can still hear Emilia and Lára chatting downstairs, while I begin to search for airfare home.
“Lára, you have to tell him. That
’s unacceptable. If you don’t, I will.” I can hear Emilia’s voice rising as she becomes agitated. Whatever it is, it must be important. They must be talking about Ari.
“You don
’t understand!” Lára voice is full of frustration and anger.
“Well, then you better explain it to me. Right now.”
“I can’t yet. I will soon, though. I promise. I have to go now.” Their voices become quieter and harder to hear. The front door opens and closes and I know that Lára has left.
At once
I head downstairs to catch up with Emilia. Valur isn’t here. He’s probably out playing football with his friends. Emilia is in the kitchen, cleaning the countertops, and I lean my shoulder against the refrigerator and watch silently.
She looks over to where I
’m standing with a wry smile on her face. She continues to wipe the counter with her rag while contemplating what to say next.
“Was your weekend terrible? Was it very awkward between all three of you?” She finally asks. I
’m a bit surprised that she’s acknowledging the situation out loud. I had been so afraid to mention it and stir up trouble. Even though we’ve been friends for years, this is a matter I didn’t know how to deal with.
“I think that
’s an understatement. Thanks for asking, though. I haven’t really known if I could talk to you about this or not.” I felt a bit nervous actually voicing some of this out loud.
The amount of loneliness I
’ve endured since I’ve arrived has been so much, even though I hadn’t even noticed it until now. I’ve always been an independent person, and it’s been good for me. I doubt that anyone in the States, besides my parents, even know that I had been talking to Ari at all. I just tend to keep things to myself. I’ve learned that relying on yourself is what you need to do in life. I can’t help who I am.
Emilia is nodding thoughtfully, and we just stand for a moment, looking at each other in understanding.
“Lára doesn’t always handle things in the best ways. We all have our issues. I’m not sure who I should be supporting in all of this, since I love each and every one of you.” I don’t say anything, as I’m not sure what I would say.
“I
’ve watched all sides, you know? I’ve seen Ari and you become close, listened while you both told me about each other over the years. I’ve watched as Lára and Ari became closer. I feel like my hands are tied as to what I am supposed to do. But….” She turns to a cabinet above the sink, pulls out two coffee cups, and sets them on the counter. Filling up a water heater, she plugs it into the wall and turns it on. She continues to prepare for us to have a cup of tea while she speaks.
“Lára is making some very strange choices,
and I fear they could affect more than one important person in my life. I feel like I hold the key to someone’s happiness in my hands, and that I’m not allowed to use it for fear of it exploding in my face.”
I pull
a small bowl of sugar out of a drawer and some spoons to help prepare my cup.
“That doesn
’t sound like a very fun position to be in, Em.” I joke lightly because I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to say yet. She just nods and smiles while pouring the now-hot water into both of our cups.
“No, you
’re right. It fucking sucks. In all seriousness, you do whatever it is you need to, in order to be happy. I won’t think less of you.”
She
pegs me with those big blue eyes and I can see the sincerity in them. I feel like I’ve been given permission to do something. I am a bit stunned as I consider what she is saying.
Is she talking about Ari? Is she giving me her blessing to pursue him
, even though he is still with Lára? What else could she possibly be talking about? Whatever conversation I heard earlier must be about this.
“Thanks, I think.” What else can I say?
I grab my cup from the counter, to pour in a little bit of milk and honey. Blowing across the top of my hot tea, I sip lightly. Moving to the living room, I sit down on the couch. The news is playing on the television, and I can’t understand any of it.
I believe Emilia is giving me the green light to pursue Ari in this cryptic way because she knows something I don
’t. My heart is thudding with excitement at the possibilities this opens up. I really hope I’m not wrong.
I know I need to help Ari realize that I
’m the one for him and that I could be by his side if only he asked. I cannot hang around and linger here waiting for him while he is with another woman.
Maybe he
’ll do the rest on his own if I can open his eyes to how amazing this thing between us really is. I just don’t know how to do that yet. This doesn’t mean I’m going to try to get him to have sex with me while he is still with Lára. I still have some integrity and morals.
Lára better hope that I do.
I like to think that my awesome personality and sparkling charisma can do the trick, if he just has more time to
be around me. You know, because I rock like that.
“I
’ll be gone tomorrow night, by the way,” Emilia calls to me from the kitchen. “Valur and I are going to stay the night in a summerhouse with his parents. Do you think you’ll be ok without us for an evening?”
Uh. Hell yeah
, I’ll be fine without them
. The perfect timing for an amazing ‘Blow Ari away’ plan? No, I don’t mean a blow job, you dirty-minded person. All of that comes later.
At least I hope it does
. The Universe is shining down on me with gifts, suddenly!
Yes please, and thank you very much. I owe you one
.
“Yeah, that shouldn
’t be a problem. You know I can handle myself.” My brain is rapidly concocting several different schemes on how I can get Ari to be alone with me for several hours.
My dark side is frolicking through grass meadows, tossing flowers to and fro in absolute joy at the prospect of a chance to finally take what I want. Talk about tables turning in my favor
!
After preparing for bed a few hours later, I head upstairs and
settle next to my laptop to see if Ari is online. He is, much to my delight. I open the chat box, and prepare to send him a message. My fingers hover over the keys, while I think about what I’m going to say.
It
’s amazing how lighthearted and carefree I feel now that Emilia has given me her blessing. I hope that Ari will sense that and be more willing to see me tomorrow. This is my only really chance. If I can’t convince him that it’s me he wants, then I’ll be heading back to the States very soon after. Seems like a solid plan, right?
I decide to just go for it. I
’ll jump in with both feet and see where this road leads me. I can never know if I never try. I begin to type.
salemsme
: Hey, are you around?
I hit
‘send’ and a little butterfly of excitement flutters through me.
marxist:
Yeah, I’m here. What’s up?
Oh god, now I have to actually say something. Try for cool, Brooke.
salemsme:
Are you working or anything tomorrow?
marxist:
No work, I’m on summer holiday here. We get a month of paid time off in the summer.
salemsme:
Are you shitting me? That’s fucking awesome. Everyone gets that here?
marxist:
For the most part, yeah. What did you have in mind for tomorrow?
salemsme:
Well, Emilia is heading out to the countryside with Valur and his parents tomorrow, so I was wondering if it was possible for you to keep me company. Maybe we could grab a bite to eat or watch a movie?
marxist:
I think I’d like that. Should I call you in the morning so we can figure out the details?
salemsme:
Sounds like a plan, talk to you tomorrow.
marxist:
Night.
******
I wake up bright-eyed and bushy tailed the next morning. I’m ready to begin with this awesome day. Emilia and Valur are awake and downstairs eating bowls of cereal for breakfast.
I plop
down into an open seat at the dining table and bite into an apple I grabbed from the basket on the counter to my left. Emilia is watching me with some amusement.
“Why are you so glowy this morning? Yesterday you were such a downer. I could just see it on your face.” She takes another bite of her cereal. Valur isn
’t paying attention. He’s watching the news while shoveling his food into his mouth.
“I guess I just realized that I need to be positive so that the Universe can work with me, rather than against me. I
’m going to do what it takes to be happy, like you said.” I lift the apple toward her and she toasts me with her spoon.
Nodding, Emilia smiles a bit into her bowl. If I didn
’t know any better, I’d say she was hoping that Ari and I would get together. The realization that I might have someone in my corner really helps take some of the weight off my shoulders. Part of me even wonders if she planned this trip to the countryside on purpose. Maybe that’s silly though.
Not everything is about you, Brooke
.
“Well, good for you. I hope you manage to have fun while I
’m gone. I know how much fun I am to have around. The party begins and ends when I enter or leave a room.”
I roll my eyes at Emilia
and take a bite of my apple. She just laughs at herself. She thinks she is so damned funny.
I
’m so overwhelmed with gratitude that she is my friend that I lean forward and give her a big, wet, apple flavored kiss on her cheek. I’m really very lucky.
“Hurry up and leave already so I can get down to business.” Sticking my tongue out at her, I stand up and head back up the stairs with my apple to check my computer for any messages from Ari. I see that there is one from a little earlier.
marxist:
I’ll be there around three. We’ll figure out what we are going to do when I get there.
marxist has signed off.
I feel like I’m getting ready to go on a date or something.
Yeah right
;
a date with a guy who is already taken.
I seem to be getting a bit carried away with myself. I need to remember to remain realistic as to what could possibly happen. First, though, I have to start off by taking a shower.
******
Ari
I’m really nervous. My palms are clammy and I can’t keep my hands still. I want nothing more than to spend the day with Brooke and I’m honestly worried about my self-control. I know I just want to be as close to her as possible.