Addicted to Him (24 page)

We ride in silence to the ice cream parlor, get out and wait in the line snaking out the door. Neither of us says a word until it’s time to place our orders. Seth pays then we head back out to the car. We lean against the trunk, licking our cones in silence. I catch him watching me once and put on a show of licking the entire circumference of my cone never taking my eyes off him. He swallows hard and looks away.

With each passing second, my hurt and confusion turns to anger. If I was just a summer fling, he never should have said those things. I never asked him to propose to me. And he was the one to say I love you first. Using someone for sex is one thing but toying with their emotions is another. We sit in silence long after the last bite of cone is gone and the last car has driven out of the dark parking lot. The neon open sign is extinguished and a few minutes later the staff get into their cars and drive away. It’s just me and Seth and the canyon of things unspoken between us. I decide that I don’t want to be the victim again. I’ve already been Phil’s victim and Chastity’s victim, I won’t be Seth’s.

“Listen,” I start, mustering my most confident voice. “This summer has been really great but I’m really looking forward to starting my new life. I think it might be best if we go our separate ways.”

I brace myself for his response. He obviously doesn’t want me, but I’m betting that he doesn’t want anyone else to have me either. But it doesn’t come. The only thing I hear come from him is a relieved sigh. I want to puke.

“Definitely,” he says huskily. One word. That’s all I meant to him. He doesn’t even attempt to put up a fight. No one ever fights for me but I thought for sure Seth was different. I thought for once in my life I actually meant the world to someone. I’m such an idiot. And even though I didn’t move here solely for him, he definitely played a part in me severing ties with my old life. Loving him made me strong enough to finally stand up to Chastity. But now he’s gone too.

“I want to go home,” I say, tears already pouring down my cheeks, even though I’m not sure which home I’m talking about. Suddenly I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. I run around to the passenger side door. I jerk on the door, trying to get it open, but it’s locked. I feel Seth’s hot breath on my neck and I spin around to face him. “I thought you loved me.”

He doesn’t say anything but starts wiping the tears and ruined black liner off my cheeks. His thumb runs across my lips, smearing the cherry red lipstick. My tongue darts out and licks the pad of his thumb. His breathing gets heavy as he watches my mouth. He runs his thumb over my lips again. I open my mouth, drawing his thumb inside. I watch the desire flare in his eyes as I suck his thumb in and out of my mouth. If I can’t have him at least I can have one more night with him.

“Don’t make this any harder than it already is,” he says, yanking his thumb out of my mouth, getting control of himself.

I feel like the most pathetic person on the planet. He’s trying to break it off with me and I’m trying to prolong it by throwing myself at him. I used to be appalled by girls that would try anything just to keep a boy from leaving them, now I’m one of those girls. My ice cream threatens to come back up. “Please take me home,” I beg.

He doesn’t say anything but opens the passenger side door and lets me slide inside then shuts the door. He gets in the driver’s side, starts the car, and heads toward my parents. With every closer landmark we get to my parents I keep thinking he will pull over and explain what is going on but once we pass the pocket park just around the corner from their house I realize that he just wants to dump me off and forget I exist.

He pulls into the driveway and shuts off the car. I wish that we could have gone somewhere more private to talk but my parents are probably asleep anyway. Seth rushes around to my side and opens the door, leaving me with my mouth hanging open. I guess I don’t have much experience being dumped since Ethan was my first boyfriend and I did the dumping but I didn’t realize that it could be so cold. I step out of the car determined to be brave.

“Thanks for a fun summer, Seth. I wish you all the best,” I say, the words sounding hollow in my ears. I slide the ring off my finger and hand it to him.

“No hard feelings?” he asks, taking the ring.

“Nope,” I answer, wanting to punch him right in the face.

“So it’s that easy? You’re just going to let me walk out of your life forever and not even care. I meant so little to you that you can just give up what we had.”

I’m so confused right now that I’m actually starting to get a headache. All night he has been acting like a total freak show, I give him what he wants, and now he’s mad because I won’t act like some psychopath who can’t take rejection? I’m starting to feel like our relationship is based on a series of tests that I will never pass because the answers are constantly changing.

“Jesus, you’re fucking cold as ice,” he charges ahead, my brain still not registering what is happening.

“Just so we’re clear, you’re mad because I let you break up with me?”

He paces back and forth in front of the car like a caged tiger. His hands are running through his blond curls as his eyes dart wildly around. “I told you before that you are mine. I didn’t mean until the end of the summer. I meant forever.”

I roll my eyes, exasperated after the day I’ve had. I just don’t understand why being together can’t be easy. Seth’s mood swings are out of control and I just don’t have it in me tonight to try and figure out what I did wrong this time. “I don’t know what else I can do to prove to you that I love you, Seth. My God, I gave up my life to move here to be with you. If that doesn’t show you that I want to be with you then nothing will.”

He’s on top of me, pushing me against the car before I even realize he’s moved. His hand is against my neck as he forces me back on the hood. The wild look in his eyes scares me more than his hand around my neck until he starts squeezing harder and my breathing becomes labored.

“You said that you loved me. You said that we would be together forever then you try and bail after one bad night,” he spits out, looking deranged.

He is squeezing my throat so tight that I can’t talk so I have to try and calm him down some other way or this is not going to end well for me. I reach my arms out and smooth his curls back out of his face. I caress his face softly, trying to remind him that I’m not the enemy. His pupils are so dilated that they look almost black but as I rub my thumb over his lips I see him start to come back to me. His now green eyes fill with fear as he realizes the grip he has on my neck. He lets go immediately and I fall to the cement driveway, clutching my neck and gasping for air.

My ears wait for him to plead for forgiveness but he just gets into his car and drives away, leaving me alone.

****

It’s been three weeks since the night Seth choked me. The marks around my neck have faded but my longing for him has only gotten worse. I hate myself for even giving him a second thought. He’s no better than Chastity or Phil trying to hurt me. He promised to take care of me forever but instead he inflicted the most pain of anyone then just dropped out of sight.

I haven’t told Dad and Lisa what happened. I faked a summer cold and wore turtlenecks for a week, but they’ve figured out that we are broke up since Seth hasn’t come around.

Dad has dealt with enough of my baggage that I would never tell him Seth tried to choke me. Besides, he wasn’t really going to hurt me. It’s just the way he deals with his anger, not that I’m making excuses for him. Okay, maybe I am.

I don’t stop waiting for him to text or stop looking for him every time I leave the house. I just want a do-over, I know I could make everything perfect this time, even though I don’t know what I would even say to him. So much time was passed that I almost feel like I dreamed the whole summer we spent together. Like he was just a mirage.

I started my senior year at Centaurus High School. Why anyone would name their school after a mythological half-man half-horse is beyond me. I knew Seth would get a good laugh out of it but I couldn’t call him to tell him, which just made me sad. I went from a high school of four hundred-fifty students to a school of twelve hundred. It makes blending in really easy but making friends super hard. Not that I really even want any friends but I know eventually it will look weird if I don’t have any. I guess I just keep holding out hope that Seth is going to remember that he loves me more than life itself and we’ll go back to spending all our free time together so I won’t need anyone else. But after three weeks, I’m starting to think that is just a fantasy.

I thought about driving by his house, or the restaurant, but that just seems stalkerish and unhealthy.

Being so clueless about Seth makes me wonder if I was completely stupid to think that Dad and Lisa really wanted me here. Of course Dad was going to do the right thing when the knowledge of what happened with Phil was forced upon him, but would he have wanted me here even if everything back in Missouri had been fine? I guess I’ll never know. I’m just trying to lie low, get good grades, and help around the house.

I pull into the library parking lot for the tenth time this week, just hoping that he’ll be here. But he never is, so I just turn around and head home.

Chapter Seventeen

“Do you see that right there?” the woman in the Scooby-Doo scrubs asks, pointing to what just looks like a grainy black and white image to me.

I nod my head excitedly because I can tell that she wants me to. Lisa is watching the screen biting her lip while Dad grips her hand and stares with wonder at the indistinguishable image that is my new brother or sister.

“It’s a girl,” the woman announces with glee.

I knew it! My heart lifts with joy. I love digging up worms and playing baseball with Wade, but there is a part of me that has always longed for someone to play dress-up with. Granted, it’s going to be a while before this baby can do anything and the age difference will always be a concern, but I can’t wipe the smile off my face at the thought of having a little sister to dress in frilly pink dresses.

“Are you sure?” Lisa asks, her voice filled with hesitation.

“I’ve been doing this for ten years and I’ve never been wrong yet,” she jokes.

“Martin,” Lisa whispers, tears streaming down her face. I suddenly feel like such an intruder. I wish Lisa hadn’t insisted on me tagging along.

“We’re going to have another little girl,” Dad says ecstatically. He grabs my arm and pulls me into him as he bends down to kiss Lisa on the forehead. “We are so blessed.”

“I hope she looks just like you, Cassidy,” Lisa says, sobbing tears of joy.

That’s when I finally know that I’m not just a placeholder until their real baby gets here. They truly love me and want me to be here. That’s when I know that no matter what happens or doesn’t happen with Seth, everything is going to be okay.

****

I sip my can of Coke as I drive toward school. The caffeine isn’t kicking in nearly as fast as I want it to and I’m just hoping that I can stay awake during my boring first hour statistics class. Something in my rearview mirror catches my eye and I glance back at it.

A vintage red Mustang is in the opposite lane hanging back about three cars.

“It’s not him,” I tell myself out loud. But when I put on my blinker and merge into the turn lane to go to school and the car does the same, I can’t stop my heartbeat from racing. I drive slowly through the lot, picking a parking space a good hike from the school. I gather my bag, my soda, my keys and get out.

The car rolls to a stop right behind my car. I know it’s him before I even look up. My body is going crazy just being this close to him. I know the minute I look up into his hypnotizing eyes that I’m a goner.

“Hey, Cass,” he says, his voice oozing over me. I have to brace myself against the SUV to avoid falling to my knees.

I brave a look at him and all the fear and anger I felt over the last time we were together just melts away. All I can think of is running my hands through his blonde curls and kissing his perfect lips. I want him so much I can’t even think straight. I battle internally with myself, hating that he has so much control over me. I realize that I haven’t even spoken yet because I’ve been so busy molesting him in my mind. “Seth,” I say, finally acknowledging him.

“I was hoping we could talk,” he says, gripping his steering wheel nervously.

“What about?” I’ve got to keep some control here or I’m going to end up mounting him in the front seat of his car in my new school parking lot. I’m sure that would do wonders for my image at school.

“I have some stuff I want to explain to you,” he says, pleading with his eyes. I glance away, refusing to be sucked in again.

“I can meet you at the ice cream place after school,” I hear myself saying. At least I blurted out a public place and not my bedroom, which is really where I want to meet him. He obviously just wants to clear his conscience and at a public place I’ll be forced to act civilized so I won’t be allowed to attack him.

“See you then,” he says, the corners of his mouth lifting slightly in a victorious smile. He speeds away as I’m still standing there daydreaming about his mouth on mine.

****

Three o’clock has never taken so long to get here. I race to the bathroom after the last bell finally rings to touch up my hair and makeup to look irresistible for Seth. It is ridiculous how pathetic I’m being but I don’t even care. I haven’t been able to concentrate all day long just thinking about Seth touching me again. I need his hands on me.

I drive the SUV way too fast to the ice cream parlor but Seth’s car is nowhere in sight. I park and wait, hating that I’m here first because I wanted to make a spectacular entrance.

Twenty minutes goes by with still no sign of Seth. I feel like a dumbass. I’ve been thinking about nothing but this moment all day and he can’t even bother to show up on time. I beat on my steering wheel, hating myself for being the victim yet again. I can’t help but feel that I’m destined to keep repeating the same mistakes my entire life.