After Alex Died (7 page)

“Ever hear of Alex D
eMarco?” I asked over the loud sloshing noises of the washing machines. There was something oddly comforting about doing laundry. The monotonous sound of the laundry as it beat against the side of the washer and the faint smells of detergent and fabric softener calmed me and made it easier to say everything I needed to say.

Sofia thought about it for a moment. “The name sounds vaguely familiar.”

“He was my younger brother. His suicide made national news.”

“Why?”

“Because three of our school’s star basketball players were arrested and charged with criminal harassment following his death. The media called it a hate crime because my brother was gay.”

Sofia eyes were wide. She gulped but no words came out of her mouth.

I continued. “My brother killed himself on his 15th birthday, two days after Homecoming. I found him in his bedroom closet. He’d hung himself.”

I didn’t think it was possible but Sofia’s eyes grew even wider.

“Alex
was a wonderful person. He was one of the funniest people you’d ever want to meet. He could make almost anyone laugh. I thought for sure he’d grow up to be a comedian or a writer because he could tell the best stories. He was a smart kid and extremely creative but other kids just couldn’t see anything but his sexual orientation. He was bullied every day on the school bus, in the hallways, in the cafeteria. Guys made lewd gestures at him and called him derogatory names. Kids taped gay pornography to his locker. Someone even threw a dildo at him in the lunchroom. He told me that gym class was the worst. He said the guys would corner him and yell things at him like
God hates fags
or
Gay boys are better off dead
. He was scared that the harassment would escalate and he’d get beat up.”

A teardrop
slid down Sofia’s face and she quickly wiped it away with the back of her hand.

I continued. “In the first two months of his freshman year, my brother went from being a straight-A student at the top of his class to barely passing. My parents tried everything they could to help him but they couldn’t stop the other kids from bullying him. They even talked to the school principal but he wouldn’t do anything. The school’s football team was on track for another state championship and he expected the school’s basketball team to reach state-champion status as well. The athletes ruled the school and
could basically do anything they wanted without reproach. My town was a place where your value was based on how athletic you were.”

I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself. “The night of the Homecoming Dance was the last straw, I guess. I told my brother not to go.
I had a bad feeling about it. But he loved music and he loved to dance. He said he wasn’t going to let the
asshole athletes
destroy his
high school experience
. And I guess he didn’t want me to go alone.”

“They made a video of my brother, dancing and having fun
, but they altered it. They spliced photos of men kissing and touching each other then added lewd comments and hate messages. They emailed the video to everyone at school and then uploaded it to YouTube. The video went viral and my brother was horrified. He couldn’t believe that tens of thousands of people from all over the world were making derogatory comments about him, like he was going to Hell and that he didn’t deserve to live because he was gay.

“Three of the school’s star basketball players were respons
ible for making and distributing the video. They were also the key players in the harassment my brother faced every day at school.

“After my brother died the police opened an investigation and the three athletes were arrested. Our small town was co
mpletely divided by the ordeal. Half the town thought the boys should have been charged with murder and the other half didn’t think they did anything wrong. One of the boys, who distributed the video but wasn’t actively involved in creating it, testified against the other two in a plea agreement. The story made national news because the three boys all had basketball scholarships to Big Ten schools and the news labeled the ordeal a hate crime.”

Sofia just stared at me, her face a mask of shock and horror. It was a look I had grown used to
and I saw it every time people heard about Alex. “I’m so sorry,” she managed to mutter.

“Thanks.”

“I can understand why you wear black all the time.”

I nodded.

“So, what does all of this have to do with Romeo? Was he one of the basketball players who got arrested?”

“He was the one who got the plea agreement.”

Sofia shook her head in disbelief. “He doesn’t seem like the type. He’s kind of quiet and soft-spoken.”

“Yeah, well, he wasn’t like that in high school. He was kind of an arrogant jerk. Just like his friends.”

“I can see that, too. But maybe everything he went through made an impact on him. Experiences like that change people.”

I shrugged.

“And I still think he likes you.”

“Are you kidding me
right now? It’s nothing but guilt and shame and maybe even regret.”

“I know what I see and I can see it in his eyes.”

One of my washers slowed to a stop and I emptied the contents into one of the dryers, slipped in my coins, and started it up. When Sofia’s washer stopped she followed the same routine.

“Suppose by some weird twist of fate he did like me,” I said. “And I’m saying this only hypothetically because I don’t think there’s really a snowball’s chance
in Hell. But let’s just say if he did, then what? It’s not like I’m going to actually date one of the guys who was arrested for criminal harassment of my brother. Alex killed himself at least in part because of what they did to him. How can I ever forgive something like that?”

She nodded. “It would be one fucked up situation, that’s for sure.”

“I’ve dealt with enough fucked up situations for one life time,” I assured her. “I definitely don’t need any more.”

Week One

Monday morning came too soon. Spending the evening making sure the students didn’t get into too much mischief during their free time made me feel ten years older than them instead of just two.

I was a little worried about Lyle. I didn’t know if I was pr
ojecting fears because of what happened to Alex but I didn’t want any of the other kids to mess with him. I noticed Cameron took a little extra time to make sure Destiny was okay. She seemed to be but that didn’t mean much. My brother seemed to be doing fine right before he hung himself.

For the first time in two years, I actually felt disgusted looking into my closet and seeing all black. Maybe what Cameron said had gotten to me. Maybe it was time to add a little color back into my life. I was just so used to wearing black that it seemed like second nature to me.

I joined Sofia and Antonio in the cafeteria for breakfast. Sofia had yogurt and fruit but Antonio had loaded his plate with eggs, bacon, pancakes and syrup. All I could stomach that early was coffee, half milk.

I watched in awe as Antonio shoveled forkfuls o
f breakfast foods into his cake-hole (or in this case
pancake
-hole). 

I was surprised when Cameron took the seat next to me. I glanced over at Sofia and she mouthed
Romeo
then grinned.

“Where’s your breakfast?” he asked.

I held up my coffee cup. “You’re looking at it.”

He
furrowed his brow. “Don’t you know breakfast is the most important meal of the day?”

“Yeah, well, no one bothered to tell my stomach that. It us
ually doesn’t wake up until after noon.”

Cameron took a bite of the fruit salad, yogurt and granola mixture in front of him. Then he said, “I spoke with Dr. Jones about the bullying incident with Destiny. I told her that I wanted to do a presentation about bullying.”

I almost choked on the sip of coffee I had taken. “I thought you were going to give me a chance to think about it,” I complained.

“How much time do you need?” he asked. “I think this is i
mportant and needs to be addressed.”

When I glanced over at Sofia, she was looking back and forth between the two of us, her eyes wide. I noticed Antonio was still shoveling food into his mouth
, oblivious to the conversation Cameron and I were having. I guessed that meant that Sofia hadn’t said anything to him about the
issues
Cameron and I had.

“What did Dr. Jones say about it?” I asked.

“She wants us to do a presentation today.”

“Today?”
I nearly screamed. I shook my head. “There’s no way I can talk about it today.”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t.” I stood and tried to leave but Cameron grabbed my elbow.

“Don’t go,” he said.

“Then don’t make me talk about things I don’t want to talk about.”

“But we have an opportunity to make an impact on these kids. So they don’t have to go through what we’ve gone through.”

“And just what have you gone through?” I demanded incredulous.

Cameron’s eyes narrowed. “My life was completely and tota
lly ruined.”

“At least you have a life,” I scoffed. “My brother is dead.”

“And how long are you going to be someone who defines her life by someone else’s death?”

I could feel my blood boil and my face grow hot. I noticed Antonio had stopped eating and was staring at me. Sofia’s eyes were fixed on Cameron. Both of their mouths were gaping.

“You’re a real asshole,” I shot back as quietly as I could considering how angry I was. I didn’t want to break Dr. Jones’s rule of no profanity. I felt like slapping him but I didn’t want to make too much of a display in front of the kids who had slowly filled up the cafeteria while we were talking. “I don’t know why you even bother to talk to me,” I spat. “You seem to think I’m stuck on Alex’s suicide. Why don’t you just leave me alone and let me define myself by his death?”

He shook his head. “I won’t let you.”

“I don’t need your permission and I don’t need your blessing.” I threw his words right back at him.

He let out one stiff laugh. “But you obviously can use my support.”

“I don’t want anything from you,” I hissed.

“You don’t have to be this way.” Cameron gave me a plea
ding look. “I remember what you were like before—um—before any of this happened.”

“You mean before Alex hung himself. Say it. I want you to say it.”

Cameron averted my gaze and set his jaw. “Before Alex killed himself.” His words were cold, devoid of emotion.

“Look at me,” I demanded.

When Cameron’s eyes met mine, I could see they were wet. “You were so young, and beautiful, and innocent,” he whispered. “I feel like I stole that from you.”

Now I was the one to let out
a stiff laugh. “You stole a lot more than that.”

“I wish I could do or say something, anything, to take away your pain but I know I can’t and I’m sorry for that.”

“Save your pity, Cameron,” I muttered as I started away.

“Let her go,” I heard Antonio say as I headed toward the exit.

***

I guess Cameron decided against his bullying lecture because it didn’t happen on Monday. Cameron kept his distance from me and I was glad for the reprieve. Whatever Sofia was thinking when she thought of the two of us together was completely insane. Now, we were so far apart, I wondered how it would be possible to even work together. I thought we’d probably have to communicate only when necessary.

I took a long walk after dinner to clear my head. I ran into Sofia and Antonio coming back from the gym and they walked with me for a while.

“That’s some pretty heavy shit between you and Cameron,” Antonio said.

“That’s one way to describe it,” I replied.

“I’m sorry you lost your brother.”

“Me, too.”

“I lost my brother, too,” Antonio admitted and it surprised me.

“What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Nah, I don’t mind. He was older. He joined the Army right out of high school. He died in Iraq.”

“That must have been hard on your family.”

Antonio nodded.
“Yeah, especially my mom. He was the first born son. She was always so proud of him.”

“I’m sorry you lost your brother.”

“Me, too,” Antonio said.

The three of us walked in silence the rest of the way back to the dorm.

***

By Friday night
I was exhausted. I think the rest of the counselors were, too, because no one even mentioned going out to the club. We had an early start on Saturday morning because we were taking the kids on a trip to the Thomas Edison Home and Laboratory. I always liked science and technology and was excited about seeing the place where some important inventions were developed. I wasn’t sure how the kids would respond to the trip but I hoped they’d enjoy it.

A charter bus was waiting for us bright an
d early Saturday morning. I managed to gather my group and get them out to the bus a little early with no help from Cameron. I had no idea where he was, which actually worried me a little bit. I hadn’t seen him since dinner on Friday when he sat with Renee and Rachel. I don’t know if it made me more hurt or angry, which made me even angrier.

Dr. Jones was already waiting outside the bus with a clipboard and whistle. She was dressed in all white, white polo shirt, white capris and little white Sketchers. She even had on a white sun visor. She always looked perfect in every way and I admired her for that. I had more of a just-rolled-out-of-bed and barely-put-together look going for me.

“Good morning, Dee
Dee,” Dr. Jones said in her usual spunky tone.

“Good morning, Dr. Jones.
Wonderful day for a trip to Edison’s home.”

“That it is,” she
said with a smile. The she glanced around. “Where’s your partner?”

I gulped. I didn’t want Cameron to get in trouble but I ho
nestly had no idea where he was. “He should be here shortly,” I said, which wasn’t a lie exactly. He was supposed to show up soon. He’d better if he wanted to keep his job.

The other counselors and their kids all streamed over and took places on the bus. It was organized chaos as everyone tried to find places that made
them happy. As I glanced around I noticed that Renee and Rachel were also missing. Tommy and Max had brought their groups to the bus on their own. My stomach sank when I thought about why Renee, Rachel and Cameron might all be late.

Dr. Jones blew her whistle and all eyes were immediately pointed in her direction. “Thank you all for participating in our cultural activity this week, which is a visit to the Edison Home and Laboratory. I’ve asked Dr. Mayfield to join us today and he has graciously agreed to be our guest host. He’s an expert in historical engineering and just happened to write a book about Thomas Edison’s inventions. Please give a hand
for Dr. Mayfield.”

Dr. Jones motioned to a gray-haired man, who looked to be in his late 60s, seated in the front row with her.

As the kids applauded and cheered, I glanced out my window for any sign of Cameron and I could feel myself starting to get anxious. But why? Did I really care if Cameron was late? I knew I could handle the six kids on my own if I had to, and I knew I could always join my group with Antonio and Sofia’s. The three of us could easily oversee twelve kids.

Maybe I was worried about Cameron getting fired
, and that pissed me off. Why should I care? If he was gone I wouldn’t have to worry about standing in front of all the kids and talking about my brother. I wouldn’t have to be constantly reminded about his death whenever I saw Cameron. Part of me wondered if it might be a good thing for him to get fired but another part of me knew I would miss him. That was the part of me that scared me to death.

Before I could think about it any further, Cameron hurried onto the bus. His shirt was rumpled like he’d slept in it and his hair was messier than usual. His eyes were puffy and had dark rings around them. He scanned the bus then slipped into the seat next to me.

Seconds later Rachel and Renee hurried onto the bus. At least they had on fresh clothes and had put their hair in ponytails. They were both wearing dark sunglasses, probably to hide puffy and dark eyes like Cameron’s.

“Nice of the three of you to join us,” Dr. Jones stated as she made a point of looking at her watch. “With 30 seconds to spare. I’m not sure what the cause of your tardiness is but I trust it won’t happen again.”

“Yes, Dr. Jones,” the three of them muttered in unison.

“The drive to the Edison home will take about an hour. Please keep the conversation and noise level to a minimum.”

“Yes, Dr. Jones,” everyone replied as the bus driver closed the door and pulled away.

“What happened to you?” I whispered angrily to Cameron.

He rubbed his temples. “I was out a little too late.”

“You think?” I shot back. “I had to cover for you.”

He shook his head. “You don’t
have
to do anything for me. I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”

“I can see that. I guess Rachel and Renee took good care of you.
Maybe too good.”

Cameron looked like he was going to say something else but then just stopped. He shook his head. “You think I’m
an a-hole anyway. What difference does it make?”

“Since when do you care what I think?”

“What makes you think I don’t care?”

Did he really care about what I thought of him? It was a question I hadn’t truly considered. I had just made assumptions based on past experiences. Things had obviously changed a lot since then.

“Can we at least agree to do our jobs?” I asked. “It’s not fair that I had to get everyone ready and on the bus by myself.”

“You’re right. I apologize for being late and putting you in a precarious position with Dr. Jones.”

“Just don’t do it again.”

He grabbed his sunglasses from his front pocket and put them on. “If I remember how I feel right now, there won’t be a repeat performance, believe me.”

I elbowed him in the shoulder.

“Ouch, what did you do that for?” he protested.

“No napping.”

“Okay, fine. No napping. You’re like a mini Dr. Jones.”

That made me smile. He might have thought it was a jab but I considered it a compliment.

The drive to the Thomas Edison National Historic Park seemed quick but that may have been because I was excited to get there. I knew it was kind of dorky but I
was really into history and science. On the drive there Dr. Mayfield told us a little bit about Edison and his inventions, as well as the infamous feud he had with Nicola Tesla. Alex always had a thing for science and he liked interesting inventions. He would have loved seeing Edison’s Laboratory, although he’d always said he liked Tesla better. Maybe it was because Tesla was an underdog and never appreciated in his time. I think that’s how Alex had felt too.