After Alex Died (8 page)

Half of our large group went on a tour of Edison’s Laborat
ory while the other half toured Edison’s Glenmont Estate. The girls in our group voted to see the mansion first and they were quite persuasive, so we joined the Estate tour group first.

As we walked through the 29-room Queen Anne Victorian style mansion, the kids seemed to be in awe, at least the girls and Lyle were. I wasn’t sure about Ryan and Hunter, who were cracking jokes and goofing around.

While a tour guide explained some of the unique construction features of the home, Cameron pulled me aside and whispered, “Are you still mad at me?”

“I wasn’t mad,” I replied.
“More like disappointed.”

He sighed.
“I think that’s worse.”

“We really should pay attention to the tour guide,” I admo
nished. “Remember, we’re supposed to be setting a good example for the kids.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” Cameron said as he gave me a wide grin. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to smile back. But I didn’t want to give
him the impression that he was actually getting to me, even if he was.

The kids in our group were surprisingly engaged when we made our way to the laboratory. Even
the troublemakers, Ryan and Hunter, seemed to enjoy seeing the historic lab and learning about Edison’s innovations and inventions.

Despite actually enjoying myself for the first time in a long time, I still felt a twinge of sadness that I was there and Alex wasn’t. I wondered if I would always feel that way—whenever I had an experience that I knew Alex would never have—would I always feel sad that he was gone?

“What’s wrong?” Cameron whispered to me as we headed toward to buses for the drive back to the dorms.

“Nothing,” I said
, although it felt like a lie.

“I can see something’s wrong,”
he insisted. “It’s etched on your face.”

I heaved a sigh.
“Just missing Alex.”

Cameron nodded but he didn’t comment.
What could he say?

“I just wonder if I’ll always feel this way—like something’s missing because Alex isn’t here.”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “But I don’t think so. I think you can get to a point where you miss Alex but don’t feel like something’s missing. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, it does.”

“Glad I could help,” he offered.

I didn’t think I’d ever see the day when I’d be able to say that Cameron Connelly did something to help me but I guess that day had arrived.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, though.

Week Two

“Are you ready yet?” Cameron asked as he sat down at the lunch table with me. Antonio had decided to take Sofia to Subway for lunch rather than having to endure the cafeteria food again. Since it was free for me to eat as a counselor in the program, I planned on eating every meal in the cafeteria regardless of how edible—or inedible—it appeared to be.

“Ready for what?”
I asked, even though I had an idea what he meant: the speech to the kids about bullying.

He raised an eyebrow.
“Seriously?”

I sighed. “No, I’m not ready yet.”

“Well, you’d better get ready.”

My eyes narrowed. “You are not planning to do what I think you’re planning to do.”

“I am.”

“Please don’t.”

Cameron turned to face me. “Look at me.”

I put my fork down and looked into Cameron’s eyes. “Ha
ppy?”

“I haven’t been happy in a long time but that’s another issue. We’re talking about making you happy.”

That caught me off guard. I didn’t expect Cameron to say he wasn’t happy. And why did he care whether or not I was happy?

“Exactly how is talking about Alex’s death to a room full of kids going to make me happy?”

“Your life has to be about more than Alex’s death. I don’t think you’ve given yourself permission to let him go. I think this could be a first step.”

“And what are you, some kind of psychologist? Do you think you’re my grief counselor or something?”

“Probably the
or something
fits.”

“And why should I trust you?”

“You’re already at the bottom anyway. You pretty much have nothing to lose.”

He had a point. I had to give him credit for making some good points.

“Okay,” I agreed finally. “I’ll do it. But if it makes things worse, it’s your fault.”

“It already is, isn’t it? Don’t you already blame me for Alex’s death?”

I nodded.

He shrugged. “Well, then you probably couldn’t hate me a
nymore than you already do anyway.”

“I don’t hate you,” I admitted
, and was just as surprised as he was when the words came out of my mouth.

“That’s a step in the right direction then.”

“And exactly what direction is that?” I asked.

“I already told you. I’m taking you down the road to your happiness.”

The road to my happiness? What did he mean by that?

He continued. “And I’m taking you down that road, even if I have to take you kicking and screaming.”

“Why am I so important to you all of a sudden?”

“All of a sudden?”
He let out a single laugh. “Is that what you think?”

“If we hadn’t ended up as counselors in this program I doubt you would have ever given me a second thought.”

Our eyes met and I was suddenly extremely uncomfortable. A small part of me felt attracted to Cameron. I tried to bury that feeling deep inside but it kept rearing its ugly head.

“I don’t believe in coincidences.” Cameron continued staring at me and his gaze grew intense. “There’s a reason we ended up here together. I think you and I both know that.”

“Are you talking about some kind of karma or something like that?”

“Yeah, something
like that. I want you to know that there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by in the last two years that I haven’t thought about both you and Alex.”

I found it hard to believe. The Cameron I knew was a selfish prick who didn’t care about anyone but himself. The person sitting beside me was not the Cameron I knew. Or at least the one I thought I knew. I was so confused.

I rose. “I’ve got to get going. I need to brush my teeth before the afternoon classes start.”   

“We’re all meeting in the auditorium.”

I gulped. That meant it was go time. I had to get ready to face one of my biggest fears.

***

I could feel my heartbeat quicken as I entered the auditorium. The kids were talking and messing around as they waited for the class to begin. The other counselors, with the exception of Cameron, were also seated in the audience with the kids. Cameron was standing at the podium with Dr. Jones.

When Cameron saw me walk in, he winked at me. I didn’t know whether to slap him or hug him. Therein was the problem.

Dr. Jones waved her arms to get everyone’s attention. “Quiet everyone. We have a special presentation today. Cameron is going to talk to you about bullying and how it impacted his life.”

“Who would bully him?” one of the kids cracked and the other kids laughed.

“Enough,” Dr. Jones reprimanded. “I expect you to give Cameron your attention and utmost respect.”

Cameron took the podium. “Thank you, Dr. Jones. I’m here today to talk about bullying. Not because I was bullied when I was your age but because I was a bully. And it ruined my life.”

When I looked out over the sea of faces, all eyes were trained on Cameron.

“I thought I had everything. I was one of the school’s first string basketball players. We were all-state champions. I already had a full basketball scholarship to Penn State. I was popular. I had tons of friends. I could get a date with any girl in the school. And I lost it all.”

The kids were all enthralled. He had completely captured their attention. He had mine, too.

“There was a freshman named Alex. He was a small kid, kind of geeky. He thought he was a comedian. He was always doing impressions and telling corny jokes to get people to laugh. Maybe it was his way of trying to get people to laugh with him instead of laughing at him. He made the mistake of talking to two of my teammates in the cafeteria. That put him on their radar. They immediately zeroed in on him as a target. They called him gay boy and it seemed to really bother him, so they did it even more. I joined in because I wanted to be one of the guys and I thought that was the way to fit in. Doesn’t everyone want to belong? Be
one of the insiders? Because if you’re not an insider, that means you’re on the outside, too.

“Before I knew it
things had escalated. Other kids actually started looking forward to going to school to see what we were going to do to Alex.

“The first time I really felt bad about what we were doing to Alex was an incident in the locker rooms. The three of us, Jay and Reggie,
and I
surrounded Alex by his locker. He looked scared, like he thought we were going to beat him up or something. He actually started shaking. That’s when I realized things had gotten out of hand. We weren’t going to hurt the kid, at least not physically. I thought we were just teasing him. But when I looked into his eyes I could see sheer terror. The guys had planned to pants him but I told them to stop. I said we’d better get to practice, that we were going to be late. We just left him standing there, shaking. When I looked back at him, I could see that he was crying.

“Alex had a sister who was also a senior. She wasn’t one of the popular
crowd but everyone liked her. She was cute and did well in school. A few days after the locker room incident, I passed by her in the hallway and she gave me a look like I was the scum of the Earth. No one had ever looked at me like that before, especially a girl. Everyone loved me, or so I thought.
Especially the girls
. But the way Alex’s sister looked at me that day stuck with me. If she had slapped me in the face, it probably would have hurt less. By then I knew that what we were doing to Alex was really wrong but we still didn’t stop. It was like rolling a giant snowball down a mountain then realizing you’d made a huge mistake. What do you do? The snowball is already in motion and picking up steam. The thing is just going to keep rolling and growing in size whether you want it to or not.”

I could already feel teardrops streaming down my face. I tried to quickly wipe them away but like t
he snowball rolling down the mountain, the tears were flowing and there was no stopping them. I was just glad that all eyes were on Cameron and no one was paying attention to me crying.

Cameron continued. “Jay and Reggie thought it would be funny to do something to Alex at Homecoming. Like a grand finale right before basketball season was ready to start. I was actually surprised that he showed up
at the Homecoming Dance. He had accompanied his sister to the dance. I remember how beautiful she looked in her emerald green dress that matched her eyes.”

My breath caught when Cameron described the dress I was wearing that night. I didn’t think he
’d ever given me a second look. I wasn’t in the popular crowd or a cheerleader, which was the type of girl he normally dated.

“Alex wore black slacks and a jacket with a green shirt that matched his sister’s dress. I could tell the two of them were close. They always seemed to be laughing and joking with each other. Alex’s sister always looked so happy when she was with
him. I still remember how those smiles lit up her face. I can’t tell you how badly I wanted her to smile that way at me, just once.”

It had been a long time since I really smiled one of the smiles that Cameron was talking about.
A true smile of happiness. After Alex died, I felt like my happiness died with him and any light inside me faded away.

Cameron went on. “Alex and his sister looked like they were having fun, dancing and goofing around. Jay and Reggie video recorded Alex doing some crazy dance moves.
When we all went back to Reggie’s place after the dance, Jay and Reggie used some software to alter the video and add photos of men kissing and other stuff. They also added a lot of derogatory words and phrases to the video. They didn’t hesitate to upload it to YouTube and Twitter and email it to hundreds of kids at the school. By Sunday afternoon the video they made had gone viral. Everyone in the school had seen it and was talking about it and it didn’t take long for the YouTube video to get comments from people all over the country. Jay and Reggie never even considered how it would make Alex feel. They just wanted to get attention. My biggest regret was not doing anything to stop them. I was a willing participant in everything.

“I learned the hard way that actions have consequences. By Monday night Alex was dead. He
had killed himself. He’d said the video had ruined his life. It didn’t take long for the story to be picked up by the media. The media called what Reggie, Jay and I did a hate crime. Within a week the three of us were arrested for criminal harassment. I agreed to a plea bargain in exchange for testifying against my friends. You can imagine what people thought of me after that. I became a social outcast. A pariah. My punishment by the court was two years of probation, counseling and community service. But I was punished even more than that. I was thrown off the basketball team, so I didn’t get to play my senior year. My scholarship to Penn State was rescinded. It was during the Sandusky ordeal and the school said they didn’t want to have to deal with another scandal. My dad, who was the mayor of our small town, was asked to resign. He blamed it on me. My parents kicked me out of the house and have all but disowned me. My bright future was completely snuffed out. I didn’t even go the senior prom because I was afraid to ask anyone. I didn’t want to be rejected. The judge at Jay and Reggie’s sentencing said that we had failed ourselves, failed our families and failed our communities. She was right. But even after everything I lost and all my suffering, I know it doesn’t compare to what Alex’s family went through. They lost their son and brother.”

As soon as Cameron was done with his speech, Destiny’s hand shot up. “What ever happened to Alex’s sister?” she asked.

“You can ask her yourself. She’s standing right over there.”

When Cameron pointed at me, there was a collective gasp from the group. All of the kids looked stunned.

I could feel my heart start to race and the auditorium, that had felt large when I walked in, suddenly felt like it was closing in on me. Several beads of sweat ran down my face and I quickly wiped them away. I could feel my stomach start to churn and I started to get light-headed. I could feel myself start to sway and right before I passed out, Cameron caught me in his arms.

When my eyes opened both Dr. Jones and Cameron were staring at me.

“Are you okay?” Dr. Jones asked.

“I don’t know. What happened?”  I was lying on the floor. “Where are the kids?”

“I sent them to lunch early,” Dr. Jones replied. “You fainted and Cameron caught you just before you fell.”

I looked at Cameron. “Thanks.”

“Why don’t you sit up?” he said.

I did as I was told.

“Would you like me to get you some water?” he asked.

I shook my head. “I think I’m okay.
Embarrassed but okay.”

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Dr. Jones a
ssured me as I sat up and let Cameron help me to my feet.

She continued. “All of the kids expressed their concern. Needless to say they were surprised by Cameron’s story but even more surprised that you were Alex’s sister.”

“You should probably get something to eat.” Dr. Jones gave me a stern motherly look. “Cameron mentioned that you don’t eat much for breakfast. You know it’s the most important meal of the day.”