After All (14 page)

“Took you long enough to ask me out, and even then you practically pushed me away after our kiss.” I raised a brow. "And then again after we kissed a second time. This is hardly moving fast."

“True. But you have to realize that I’m the one who’s old with two kids.”

“You’re the one with this stable job and nice house,” I countered. “And I
feel
ready.”

“I gotta go slow, Ash. I’ve screwed up too many parts of my life to rush into something that I really want to last a while.” He rested his hand on my face, and I knew there would be no budging him, still, I wanted to try.

“What if I was Julianne Hough?”

“Still slow.”

“Rachel Weisz?”

“Still slow.”

“Angelina Jolie? Kate Beckinsdale?”

His smile spread as his fingers squeezed my sides. “Trust me, Ashley. No woman on this earth could persuade me to say ‘to hell with it all because I have to have her now’ than you, but I’m still going slow.”

Before thinking I leaned in pressed our lips together.

“Thanks for being here,” he whispered as he lied further down in bed.

“Thanks for inviting me.” I snuggled into the chest and arms that wrapped me up so well.

Brandt reached up and turned off the lights.

“Is this where we tell ghost stories?” I whispered.

“Only if you want to.”

I traced my fingers down his chest waiting for a protest that never came. I could feel his eyes on my face, but I’d just leapt us into this bubble of intimacy I wasn’t sure I was ready for. I hated that maybe he was right about going slow. And that maybe, since I did want this to turn into something, waiting wasn't the worst thing.

My fingers moved across his chest as I drew lines and tried to ignore how hard my heart was pounding. It was just him. Brandt. And it wasn’t like I hadn’t had sex… It had just never been with someone I wanted so much from, and the only parts of us that were touching were my fingers on his t-shirt.
Intense
. It was the word I came back to again and again with him.

“Is this a test of my self-control?” He laughed softly into my neck and his lips trailed across my jaw. I closed my eyes and breathed him in. It had been since Josh that I’d been so comfortable with someone, but with Josh it was so different. He and I would have never been
this
way. Brandt was a man who I was starting to think I might be able to love.

“Just wanted to be closer.” I scooted until our bodies were pressed together again and closed my eyes, breathing in the smell of wood cabin and Brandt. Even though part of me wanted to escape from so much feeling, I snuggled in as close as I could get and rested my leg on his.

He let out a breath. “Maybe
this
is my exercise in self control.”

“Is this bad?” I asked suddenly realizing he might take this all wrong. Like a tease.

“No. This is all very good.” He kissed the top of my head and ran his fingers up and down my back sending shivers across my spine but also, finally, relaxing me into something that might turn into sleep.

* * *

“Ash,” a whisper woke me, but I was determined to stay in my happy, sleepy haze for a while.

“Ash.” Lips touched my shoulder and I stretched out onto my stomach as kisses made a trail across my back. “It seems like a crime to ask you to get dressed at this point, but…”

I rolled over and fell immediately into Brandt’s arms. It hadn’t been much the night before as far as levels or bases, but for me? Last night was a turning point. Yesterday I was the girl moving forward maybe, sort of. Today I was the girl who was there. Relationship. Caution. Doing things the right way to build something that might last. It all swirled around in my head and the small bubble of panic started to rise until I saw his smile. We’d been friends first, and we were still friends—even if we were more.

“What’s the hurry?” I teased, giving his shirt a tug.

“I have two teens in this very small cabin right now, and you’re in my bed, and wearing a very tiny shirt that I can see right through, and…”

“Right.” I sat up, and daylight streamed through the windows.

I turned back toward Brandt whose eyes were on me and whose face looked maybe slightly better today.

“You’re beautiful.”

“All men say that in front of a slightly transparent shirt,” I teased as I pulled the blankets over my chest.

He touched my bangs and kissed my nose. “I’m serious.”

“So am I.” I chuckled as I pushed him away and slid on my bra. “Go find us some music or forage for breakfast or whatever you do here.”

“Yes Ma’am.” Brandt grinned, gave me a salute and left me alone in the room floating on a cloud of unbelievability and excitement at what we were moving toward.

SIXTEEN

Brandt

The griddle was heating, and the batter was nearly finished when I heard my bedroom door open, and Ashley shuffled into the small main room. Her hair was messed from our night, and my old flannel robe was draped over her tank and shorts. Perfection.

After being married I realized that love and happiness was all in the small moments and gestures. Things like the sound of the person I love sleeping beside me, or laughing before everyone else because of a joke only we shared. This was one of those moments with Ashley, and I wanted a million more. Not a few fancy dates or big dinners or summer vacations, but the everyday things that build something real.

Ashley stopped at the edge of the tiny corner kitchen, snapping my brain back to now. “You are for real making pancakes from scratch even at your cabin?”

“How else do you make pancakes worth eating?” I turned back to the stove, still a bit amazed she was here.

Ashley cocked a brow. “I put the keys in the car and drive to IHOP.”

I scoffed as I turned toward the griddle and started pouring on batter. “Those pancakes are
not
worth eating.”

“Is that so?” She stepped so close behind me I forgot to breathe. “You’re sure you’re up to the challenge?”

“Dad’s pancakes are the best,” Trevor interrupted and I nearly jumped three feet because I almost forgot he and Ree were in the room.

Man, it was strange. I’d never been around them and a woman I liked. Not since their mom.

The rest of making and eating breakfast had more to do with Ashley and I accidentally/on purpose touching as much as we could. Smiling like idiots each time we did it, and Ree and Trevor exchanging happy looks they thought we didn’t see.

The pressure of the kids being so excited was hard to shove aside, but the more we were all together, the more I wanted it that way.

“So, what will you do with me now that we’re alone?” Ashley teased as I set the frying pan in the sink, not realizing the kids left.

I turned toward her with a smirk. I may have held way back last night, but not today. Not when there was no chance of me getting carried away just because it had been too long. “Hoist you in the counter and kiss you senseless.”

Her jaw dropped in mock shock as I gripped her hips and easily set her on the counter, standing between her legs and covering her mouth with mine. No hesitation. No pause. Just got lost in the warm feel of her—both tough and fragile in my arms. For the first time with her, I let my body take over—I gripped her hips more tightly and deepened our kiss. Everything in me folded over and started spinning. Ashley’s arms pulled on me just as hard as I ran my hands up her ribcage stopping just under her bra when I realized I was about ready to explode, or pull a high school move and turn into the grabby kid.

When I stepped back, nothing but our breathing echoed in the empty room. “You make me lose my head, you know that?”

“Why didn’t we go any further last night?” she teased as she pulled me closer and rested her face against my neck.

“Too soon.” I sucked in a breath. “And we had company. It’s also a small miracle considering how you make me feel.” And there were a few more details from my past she needed to know first, just not in this moment. It was too good.

“What if…” She didn’t move her face, but her fingers gripped my T-shirt tight enough that I knew she was nervous. “What if we came back next weekend without company?”

I massaged her hips a few times as the reality of her wanting me that way. Of getting to touch her body, seeing her naked. If it was anything like kissing her, it would be… I cleared my throat so I could speak. “My brother could maybe take Ree and Trev, or…”

“Amy. She could be their adult call. I mean, since it’s for such a good cause and all.” She let out a breathy chuckle as she nipped my earlobe again.

“Oh, man.” I laughed a little as I ran a hand over my head and backed away. It was one thing to sort of know that a girl talked to her friends, but it was entirely another to have that friend openly watching the kids for a weekend together. “And of course you’d report back to her, and now the pressure’s building for me—”

Ashley cut me off. “The pressure’s been building since you took care of my burn.”

The feel of that night pushed into me again. The hovering, trying to find ways to be closer. Get closer. If I’d known her better, there would have definitely been more kissing, and maybe I wouldn't have been an idiot and pushed her away after that.

“I did not expect this to happen…” I touched her jaw. “Even when I finally let myself start to move forward with you.”

“Me either.” I expected her to look away like she sometimes did, but she didn’t and I loved her eyes on me.

“I’m not sure if I should be flattered or worried, or… But if we can’t work it out to come up next weekend, the one after is fine, or the one after…” I brushed my lips against her neck because I could. Because I got to touch Ashley that way now and I was going to take advantage of it. “We don’t always be marking dates on the calendar and planning like this all the time.” I hoped this was the start of things that would last long enough to be marked.

“So weird to be like,
scheduling
this.” She leaned into me again.

“Welcome to my world.” I ran my hands along the skin at the top of her pajamas and she shivered making me love that I could affect her.

“It’s a nice place to be,” she whispered so quietly that I wasn’t sure if she meant for me to hear but loved that I did.

SEVENTEEN

Ashley

Three in the morning and I still couldn’t sleep. Last night I was in a strange place, in a cabin, and with Brandt, and I slept better than I remembered sleeping forever. Tonight I was back at home, in my own bed, and sleep refused to come. Just by opening myself up a little, it felt like my whole life had changed. I suddenly had more people. More people to take care, of, and for the first time, someone who wanted to take care of me.

All of these things should have had me wrapping myself in warmth, but sleep wouldn’t come.

* * *

“Easy stuff for today,” Donetta whispered as we sat in court, waiting for the judge.

“Good.” My head was still swimming from my weekend so the chances of me being actually helpful was slim.

“This afternoon is just checking up on people who are on parole. We make sure they’re doing their drug treatment and anger management or whatever else the court asked them to do.”

“So, what do we do if they’re not doing what they’re supposed to do?” I smirked as I pulled up the first file.

“Hang em’.” Donetta laughed. “So, if you’d glance over the files real quick to see if anything stands out, that would be great. I’m fairly sure I’m familiar with all these cases, but not positive.”

“No problem.” The first three of the ten cases were fairly standard stuff. As soon as classes were completed, the people would be allowed off of probation. Nothing too difficult, we just needed to be here.

I slid over the next file.
Jessica Steeple
. The papers shook in my hands. I sat staring at the closed file in front of me willing it to disappear. It didn’t. I blinked over and over, but the file remained. Jessica Steeple remained. I knew their mom had disappeared, but I had no idea that she’d done something requiring felony probation.
Please let it be anything that didn’t involve Ree and Trevor. Anything.
I didn’t want to know, and was afraid to look. It hit me right then how much I loved those kids. Did I want to know this?

Relax, Ashley. It could be anything. Maybe she robbed a liquor store or something. Maybe it happened last year, long after they were separated.

I glanced toward Donetta to see if she had any idea of my reaction, but she was still listening to the defendant talk about his time in rehab. 

“I know this family,” I whispered.

She shrugged. “You’re not the attorney. I just want your input. I don’t have to take it. You’re fine.”

Fine was not the word I would have used.

The police report was on top. Police report. Dealing with Brandt and
Marie and Trevor
…

I started at the top, needing to know, and hating that I needed it.

Brandt had come home early and Jessica was in what looked to be the middle of a tirade with the kids. Marie had a black eye and a swollen face.

My gut seized up, and my hand clasped over my mouth.

Trevor had bruised handprints on both of his upper arms.

I grabbed a tissue from the desktop and clenched it in my hand. I kept reading.

He confronted her and
walked away with a broken nose after refusing to restrain her in any way.

I continued to dig through the statements, shaking inside and all over now. Nothing could have pulled me away at that point.

In Marie’s statement she talked about incidents with her mother for as long as she could remember. Not often, but often enough for her to always be treading carefully. She was too scared of her mom to ever tell her dad, and she was sure her dad didn’t know. Trevor’s statement said about the same thing but his sweetness came through—he was quoted several times as saying that
sometimes his mommy was really nice
. I blinked a few times, and tears began to stream down my face.

Brandt’s statement hit me the hardest. He admitted that he should have seen the signs. He also admitted that a month prior to the arrest he’d confronted her and she’d begged him to help her get better, and that she’d been working really hard. That he’d gone so far as to take the kids from the home for a week. He’d been talking to her on the phone throughout the day and allowing a neighbor to come check in on her. He had no idea that anything had happened since the incident over a month ago. The one he didn’t report.

I couldn’t believe it. He should have known better. He let a woman stay in the house when she was losing control around
his children
. I couldn’t imagine the amount of abuse they must have gotten just from the yelling. I remembered the yelling Josh suffered. Sometimes it was worse than just being hit.

I grabbed another tissue. Brandt. He knew and it took him months to report it. On top of it all, and to make it all even worse, it had gone on in some form or another for years. He was either so caught up in work that he didn’t know what was going on in his own home, or he simply tried not to see it. Either way, he was not the man I thought he was. I felt heartbroken like he’d just left my office telling me he never wanted to see me again. But it was worse. Way worse.

I thought about Josh and Ree and Trevor…

“Ashley?” Donetta grasped my arm gently.

“I don’t think I can do this.” I wiped another tear.

“You can leave. It’s okay.”

“Okay.” I set the files in a box and stood up.

“Go home, alright?” she whispered as she rested a hand on my shoulder.

I didn’t answer, because that’s exactly what I’d do. And in that moment, I couldn’t imagine coming back.

Jessica’s Steeple’s case was called, and I stopped, forcing myself to sit back down. I had to see this woman for myself.

Her attorney was a private attorney that I didn’t recognize.

“The defendant, Miss Brunee, isn’t present today your honor. I’m appearing on her behalf.” He was tall, and thin, and way too pressed. Definitely a private attorney.

My chest sank at her absence. So much for morbid curiosity.

“I thought we were dealing with Mrs. Steeple.” The judge answered.

“She was Mrs. Steeple your honor, but has been divorced since the last time we held proceedings on her behalf.”

“Very well. And what keeps Ms. Brunee absent today?” The judge looked up briefly from the papers on his desk.

“She’s in the final few days of her in-patient program your honor. We are asking that since she’s nearly completed her program that the state allow her probation to drop.”

“Does the state object?” The judge looked at our table.

“When she completes the course your honor, we will happily remove her probation.” Donetta was fantastic. I held in a scream.

“Your honor, if I may interject, I have all the documentation showing that she finishes in three days time.” What a tall, slick, jerk-off. I hated dealing with the private attorneys. The attorneys from the public defender’s office were a lot easier to take.

“Very well.” The judge reached out his hand and the papers were passed. I looked from the attorney to the judge several times. “Ms. Harper. I see no reason why we should keep Ms. Brunee on probation when she’s clearly days from ending her treatment. She took the initiative after her incarceration to join this program, and it seems a waste of the court’s time to have another hearing on this matter.”

“Well, I have two concerns your honor.” Just then I wanted to cheer Donetta on. “The first being that there are no provisions for the restrictions that Ms. Brunee has in visiting her children when probation is lifted, and the second being that if her attorney knew her treatment would not be completed by this court date, he could have re-scheduled this hearing with the court.”

“I understand your concerns Ms. Harper, but I’m going to agree with the defense.”

“But your honor, the family has not had an opportunity to have their voice heard.” I just spoke. Totally out of turn.

“Ms. Paige.” He looked over his glasses at me—never a good sign.

I shrank in my seat. “Yes, Your Honor.”

“I’m assuming that the family received proper notification of this hearing?”

I swallowed once hard to find my voice because victims always got notice. “Yes, Your Honor.” My gut sank and my heart was breaking, crumbling, falling...

“And no one is present from the family?”

“No, Your Honor.” I looked down. I lost this one big time. I was mad and hurt and my insides shook again. Where was
Brandt
? This wasn’t the kind of thing you missed.

Donetta rested a hand on my shoulder. “Thanks, Ashley. Go home. Get some rest. Okay?”

“I find that Ms. Brunee has officially completed her probation obligations.” His voice filled with impatience. “I’d like the paperwork from her treatment program filed with the court, but that is all. If the family has visitation issues they can be dealt with through child services.” Jessica’s attorney slid his briefcase off the desk and walked smoothly out of the courtroom.  My stomach sank even lower and my hands shook so bad I wasn’t sure how I’d make the drive home.

* * *

Despite it being August and well over a hundred degrees outside, I had to run. I couldn’t sit inside. I couldn’t sit in the car to go anywhere. I didn’t want to eat, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate if I tried to watch TV, so I got dressed, put on my running shoes, and headed out the door.

I didn’t bother with my iPod. It wouldn’t do me any good. My chest ached from how I fell apart this afternoon. I went down the front porch steps and almost ran into Marie and Trevor. It was all I could do to keep from crying at the sight of their faces.

“What’s wrong?” Ree asked. Her brow pulled together in confusion. I didn’t know how to answer. Then Ree put her hands to her mouth. “There was a hearing today,” she whispered. “And those are your cases…”

Trevor’s head snapped her direction. "What?"

I looked between them again and took off down the street. I didn’t have the emotional energy to speak with them yet.

I sprinted for the first four blocks until the protests from my body were loud enough to slow me down.
How could he?
Ran through my head over and over and over until I thought of her.
How could she? How could anyone?
My feet continued pounding on the baking hot sidewalks and my brain continued in circles.

Brandt, a man who was nothing but warmth and sincerity, and I didn’t know if I could want to keep knowing him if he would let this happen.

I felt sick and dizzy from exhaustion but couldn‘t stop. Like if I could keep running, maybe it wouldn’t catch up to me.
He let them down
. Brandt let them down. Sweet Ree and puppy dog Trevor. My feet kept pounding hard into the pavement and I kept trying to work hard enough and run fast enough that I didn’t feel it.

I was tired. I didn’t how how far I’d run. I knew I’d gone more than twice what I normally did in the mornings. My body hurt, and my stomach was killing me. I paused briefly near the playground behind Amy’s house when my stomach began to heave. After a few more minutes, I finally threw up in the trashcan—time to head for home. But I didn’t want to be home. I didn’t want to be anywhere. It hurt too bad. Despite my throbbing legs I kept going. I started to realize that my empty stomach and the pain in my legs was only going to get worse and I was probably close to or past the point of dehydration and heat exhaustion. It was a horrible realization because I wasn’t ready for the escape to be over.

When I came around the corner to the front of our houses, Brandt stood there, leaning against his car. Waiting for me.

I stared until I realized I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to talk to him. Everything I was thinking would come out in a mess. I slowed my running to a walk for the last few steps, keeping my eyes focused on my feet. I needed more time.

“Ash… Marie told me. I think we should talk.” His voice was quiet—probably the same quiet voice he used with his patients. I wasn’t in the mood. It would be better if he sounded less
sorry
. I wasn’t worried for
me
. I was mad about his kids.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” The words barely came out through my breathing. I tried to catch my breath, and my legs shook now that they were no longer being forced to run. I stepped around him to get home.

“Ash…” He reached out and held my arm with his hand.

I made eye contact then. I had my breathing under control enough to purse my lips together. “Let go of me. Right now.”

He stepped back like I’d bitten him.

“It’s your job to
protect
them!” I surprised myself with how loud I was. It had been building all day.

“I know.” His arm dropped. He looked like he’d aged ten years since last night with the wrinkles of worry around his eyes and weaved across his forehead. “And I should have seen. I
should
have. I just—”

A rush of energy ran through me as I faced him. “How could you let it go on for so long? I thought you were better than that!”

He looked like I just slapped him. His head started to slowly shake. “I didn’t—”