After Ben (18 page)

She had been a pretty little thing, Theo remembered—Siamese, with chocolate-colored points—but she was so fucking noisy, and when she started bringing Ben gifts, Theo put his foot down. There were only so many tiny mice and broken birds a man needed to see before breakfast.

He and Maggie watched from her desk in the main office, shaking their heads as Joel slipped a huge chocolate cupcake next to Evan’s mouse pad. Then they grimaced as Evan returned to his desk, picked up the cupcake and passed it to Heather, saying that chocolate made him sneeze. Joel looked as sad as that cat, who would sit outside their window, staring mournfully at Ben all fucking night, until Theo closed the blinds.

He’d called Joel in and had a discussion with him about professionalism. He didn’t let himself get distracted; he just plowed on with his rehearsed speech while Joel sat across from him, blinking.

“I know this is just an internship, but it’s a great opportunity to learn how to be businesslike.”

Joel blinked some more.

“So, perhaps you could just keep focused on business while you’re here. What you do in your own time is up to you.” Theo knew what Joel did in his own time, and thought it was really something special. The more he thought about it, the more he wondered why on earth he did it, especially when he remembered the other helper’s bruised face. He must have taken one heck of a beating.

“Okay.”

That was it. That was all Joel had to say. Theo felt like he’d missed an opportunity to clarify what he meant, but Joel excused himself right away, face flaming.

MORGAN: You think too much.

THEO: Pot, meet kettle.

MORGAN: He’s a kid, right? He’ll bounce back.

Theo wasn’t sure.

Maybe things would have worked out just fine if Theo hadn’t left the office at the same time as Evan that evening. As they’d stepped into the elevator together Evan had been flicking his too-long hair out of his eyes again, and Theo had reached out to push it to one side.

Evan smiled up at him as he told him to get a haircut—something Theo’s own father used to say all the time—then laughed. He asked if Theo would take him on another elevator ride if he did, and Theo had laughed too.

He only saw Joel’s expression—like a dog, kicked by his owner—as the elevator doors slid together, separating them.

THEO: I don’t know. I think I gave J the wrong impression.

MORGAN: How?

THEO: I think he might be under the impression that I’m interested in E myself.

MORGAN: You dirty dog.

THEO: SHUT UP.

MORGAN: I’m not going to judge you. You manage that shit just fine on your own.

THEO: There’s nothing to judge.

MORGAN: I believe you.

THEO: It’s not funny. He’s half my age.

MORGAN: And?

Theo couldn’t even answer. He couldn’t find the words to explain how the thought of a relationship with anyone younger made him feel. There had only been nine years between him and Ben, but that gap had made things difficult in ways that were too complex to describe in a chat box. He wouldn’t ever want to put someone in a position where they lost contact with their family or, even worse, leave them bereaved when they should still have had years together.

THEO: Just no.

Morgan took a while to respond.

MORGAN: Age is just a number.

He included a link to a new post on the forum: Do age gaps matter in relationships?

Theo spent the evening reading as forum member after forum member said no.

Chapter 10

M
AGGIE
was the opposite of supportive when Theo told her the following morning about his conversation with Joel.

“So you told him to be professional. That’s it? That was the best advice you could come up with, Theo?”

“Um, yes. That’s about it.”

“And then he saw you molesting Evan in the elevator?” Maggie snorted back laughter at the expression on Theo’s face. “Calm down, boss. Let me rephrase.” She drew in a breath and tapped her chin, pretending to be lost in thought. “You told him to be professional, and then he caught you with your hands all over his boy?”

“
Maggie
!”

Theo gripped the edges of his desk, willing his blood pressure down as his assistant crossed the room, closing the blinds between him and the outer office.

“You’re going to stroke out if you keep trying to deny your feelings, Theo.”

“You want me to write you up, don’t you?” Theo knew that any casual observer would define his working partnership with Maggie as completely unprofessional. They’d crossed the invisible boundary between a working relationship and personal friendship a long, long time ago.

He guessed that back talk in his own office was the price he had to pay for all those weekends he’d been dragged—helpless and hopeless—from his bed to her home. He would sit with her husband, Mike, staring at a game on their huge TV while her kids crawled all over him. The only concrete reminders he had of those first few months without Ben were the photos on her refrigerator of him with her kids at softball practice or at the park.

He only had vague recollections of those hours—all those hours—when he stared into space with a plate of untouched sandwiches on his lap or rested his cheek on her cool kitchen tabletop as she folded his laundry.

She turned back to him, her grin softening from naughty to somewhat sympathetic before she asked, “So, what are you going to do about it?”

“Well, I’ve put a lot of thought into my plan.” Theo straightened his tie. “I’m going to employ some of the best corporate strategies I’ve learned over the last decade or so. I knew all those wonderful executive training sessions would be handy.” They smirked at each other. “I’m planning a day of complete avoidance, followed by a good long stretch of denial.”

“Don’t deny your feelings, Theo. It’s okay to be gay.” Maggie smiled at him, teasing.

“I am going to fire you. Just know that you brought it on yourself.” Theo put his head in his hands. “I only meant that I would deny being interested in anyone I work with, if the subject came up. That’s all. Not that anyone would ever take the idea seriously in the first place. I’m hardly prime romance material.”

Maggie collected the papers she had come in for in the first place with an exaggerated sigh. She paused at the doorway, scrutinizing Theo for a moment before saying, “You’re a handsome man, Theo. While I agree that a workplace romance isn’t always ideal, don’t be surprised if some people here do find you attractive. You’re hardly over the hill.”

She left him to his work, but not before adding, “Do try to talk with Joel again. He’s obviously got something on his mind today.”

Once she was gone, Theo got back to work for a while, reading a head office e-mail about a “full spectrum leadership” training session—whatever that was—before Maggie poked her head back in.

“Yeah, about that situation….” She waggled her eyebrows. Theo found it very hard not to smile. “You might want to deal with it today.” Theo crossed to the blinds, adjusting the slats so he could see out easily from his desk without being too obvious.

Evan was backing out of the archive room, loaded with boxes, ducking under Joel’s outstretched arm as he held the heavy fire door open for him. Theo watched with something close to relief as Evan looked up the taller man, his expression bright and open, patently happy, saying thanks. His heart sank as Joel turned away, heading to his desk, his face uncharacteristically blank. Behind him, Evan clutched his boxes of papers, shifting them to get a better grip as a frown slid fleetingly across his face.

The interns sat at adjacent desks, getting on with their tasks in unusual silence. Theo watched as Evan tried to engage Joel in conversation a few times before shrugging and heading toward the break room on his own. As he passed Joel’s desk he placed a hand on his shoulder. Theo lip-read as the blond asked if the taller man was feeling okay. At Joel’s sharp nod, he carried on walking.

It was hard to ignore the way Joel’s jaw jutted a little, as if he was gritting his teeth, or how the fingers of his right hand traveled up his shirtfront to rest where Evan’s had touched his shoulder. In his office, Theo sagged back into his seat.

“Damn.”

The rest of his morning passed in a blur of phone calls and meetings. He swung by the break room just after 2 p.m., looking for food. He’d missed lunch and hated venturing into the cafeteria on his own. Even after a year, he still remembered the silence that fell the first time he’d gone in after losing Ben. It was human nature, he guessed, to avoid difficult subjects, and the death of a partner was something most people didn’t like to dwell on. He searched the kitchen area for food, head full of Ben, before noticing that Joel was sitting in the corner. For a tall man, he sure could make himself inconspicuous.

Theo sighed. The half-miserable, half-angry expression on the younger man’s face looked all wrong.

“Have you eaten yet?” Theo asked. Joel shook his head.

“Come on.” Theo turned, leaving the break room without checking to see if Joel was following. He heard his footsteps, sounding close behind as they left the carpeted office and crossed the tiled lobby. Hesitating for a moment at the elevator, Theo stepped to the side and opened the door to the stairwell.

“This way.”

They descended in silence until they reached the second-floor cafeteria.

“Let’s eat.”

Theo surveyed the remains of the lunch menu; there wasn’t much left. Finally, he chose a chicken-salad bowl, along with a bottle of water, then waited at the checkout for Joel, who frowned impressively at the choices behind the glass. Eventually he made his selection, then insisted that he would pay for his own meal.

They sat at a table near the window, eating in silence for a few minutes.

Joel cracked first.

“If I didn’t like cheese, I’d be shit out of luck.”

Theo considered his words for a moment before replying. “Do you mean that all the vegetarian options here include cheese?”

“Well, I guess that would be a more professional way to phrase it.”

Theo put down his fork.

“Joel, I want to talk to you about yesterday.” He stopped as Joel shook his head.

“No need. I get it.”

Theo didn’t think Joel got it. He thought he was completely mistaken, but he picked up his fork and continued eating, giving the younger man some mental space. Those few words had sounded uncharacteristically bitter.

When Joel spoke again, Theo blinked over a fork filled with lettuce and tomato.

“What’s with the diet food? Worried about keeping your figure?”

This time Theo was determined to be heard. “Not particularly. If anything I have trouble keeping weight on, but heart health is important. It’s just as important at your age as it is at mine. You should really watch what you eat.” He was partly thinking about Morgan’s student-diet debate, and partly remembering Ben. He’d seemed to be as healthy as a fucking horse, with absolutely no outward indication that there was anything wrong with his heart, before he died.

Joel poked at his pasta dish halfheartedly before giving up, pushing it away, and resting his chin in one hand. He looked the definition of dejected. Theo watched as he huffed out a breath, then sat up straight before speaking again.

“I would have preferred it if you’d just told me to back off. If you have a thing going with….” He couldn’t make himself say Evan’s name, and Theo felt an inner clench at the way Joel’s face creased. “If I was stepping on your toes, you should have just said. I would have backed off. There wouldn’t have been any point even trying if….” His eyes flickered over Theo. “Anyway, I thought about it later. I wasn’t being professional; you were right.” He looked Theo in the eye. “But you weren’t honest, and I think that’s worse.”

“Yeah,” Theo agreed. “That would be worse, if it were true.” He nodded in the face of Joel’s skepticism. “I have zero romantic interest in anyone.” It was true, he told himself even as a mental image of Peter’s hand gripping his hip, bruising him as he grunted into his orgasm, flashed across the inside of his eyelids.

“You’ve taken what you saw yesterday out of context, and that’s unfortunate. I can’t talk about the circumstances that motivated what you glimpsed, but I can absolutely promise that it wasn’t what you thought.” There was no way he was going to divulge what he and Evan had discussed yesterday morning. Theo took confidences very seriously. He wouldn’t discuss seeing Joel at the shelter either, unless he raised the subject first. Everyone was entitled to a little privacy, he figured.

“So, while I’m not going to encourage—” He smiled at the younger man. “—unprofessional behavior in the office, I’m not your competition.” Nope, Theo was pretty sure that Joel’s only rival would be Evan’s sense of responsibility to his family. He pushed the remains of his salad away.

Joel looked at him from across the table, eyes half-lidded. “Can this be a professionalism-free zone for five minutes?”

Theo nodded his agreement. Maybe clearing the air would be a good thing. Joel pushed the sleeves of his shirt up to his elbows, obviously meaning business.