After Forever (21 page)

I opened the door and like always Clay hold
my waist with his one hand and his other hand folded my arm at my
back tingling his fingers around and his juicy exotic lips rested
upon mine making my heart flutter. Lost in my utter excitement I
entwined into him real hard and tears of joy of finally being a
mother rolled down my cheeks. He kissed my cheeks and we moved
towards the kid’s room. Little was sitting on the bed playing with
her favorite doll managing her hairs with her soft little
hands.

“Her name is Little, isn’t she cute?” I said
turning towards Clay, and to my amazement I found his eyes filled
with joy. He was excited to see Little. He reached her and
introduced himself to her. She smiled in the sweetest little curve
I have ever seen and nodded at him without a word.

I sat with Little while Clay went to revive
up himself. I heard some noises from the other room, promising
Little to be back in a tiny second I went to the other room.

I saw Clay yelling vociferously “who are
you? Why you broke into the house?”

Angel was quivering in fear unable to
comprehend with the situation. The stiff clasp of Clay was maiming
him.

In A flash of ire and appall gushed through
me, making me screech in a raucous pitch “Clay, leave him,
now!!”

Clay looked at me startled, processing my
vicious reaction he arrayed his brows at me.

I dashed toward sobbing Angel and squeezed
him in my arms canoodling his forehead trying to calm him down,
assuring him everything was impeccably fine.

I took him to his room and he composed
himself in a while.

I introduced him to Clay “Angel, meet Uncle
Clay who is tremendously and awfully apologetic for his thoughtless
obliviousness for not being acquainted of your presence.” I eyed
Clay dejectedly in rile.

“Hello buddy! I am exceedingly repentant for
all that happened and look I have something for you that might
bring back that stunning but missing smile. We are going to be
great friends.” Clay said and dragged a wrapped gift out of his
bag.

Angel grabbed it and said “Thank you Uncle
Clay”. He was so fervent to unwrap his gift that he has forgotten
every other thing. His eyes were gleaming with inexpressible
excitement. He was incessantly beaming while unwrapping his
gift.

Clay took out another gift and handed it
over to Little and muttered “kids!” nodding his head wryly. He was
very considerate to bring two gifts to save himself from the wrong
guesses. I have not told him that I was adopting two kids so that I
could surprise him, though it did not went as planned but still
everything was fine.

After resting the kids on their bed we moved
to our room. I stood by the window pane glaring the dark dim sky
filled with twinkling petite stars while Clay was setting the
bed.

He grabbed my waist tickling his suave
fingers on the short of my back nibbling my earlobe brushing his
mellifluous velvety lips all over my neck, he asked me “where you
are lost Prim (?) Is everything fine?”

“I am feeling remarkably terrific baby.” I
said sweeping my lips over his lotus eyes.

“Clay Have you ever thought Why every bright
day is followed by a small dark night (?), to let us know that even
in the gloomiest mazes and the shadiest phases of life, there will
always be an incandescent star to escort us towards the veracious
direction and all we have to do is look after it, be in its
vicinity and let it reach us.” I said gazing on the thousands of
twinkling stars escaping the darkness filling the environ.

Clay up straightened my chin and said “Prim,
baby do not let some sad past ruin the beautiful today, live, laugh
cause this beautiful smile is worth million and two lovable little
kids are here to adsorb all your love and fill your void with their
impish elfin deeds.”

Clay was right I have to stop those flashes
from ruining everything. I could never erase from my mind the
deadly accident that made me lost my family my darling husband and
my yet to be born baby. There is nothing that pierces a heart of a
mother more than losing an unborn child. It’s been five years but
feels like it was only tomorrow when we were going for the dinner
and all that happened. I do not know how I make it out, escaped
death… unfortunately and was anathematized to live alone and
wailing for like forever.

It’s been four years for me and Clay have
been together. It was Clay who gathered the left shattered bits of
me after all that and taught me to move ahead, to live, and most of
all to smile. To know that you are not alone to fight and rise
above in a battle always warms us escalating our potential. Faith
is very prevailing, it can make us or destroy us. Clay was that
support, that faith I had for this meaningless life and he gave it
a meaning. I will always be in his debt for everything he has done
for me.

Finally the gaping void of losing a child
also seemed about to be filled. Angel and Little were new chapters
of my life and I was excited for it.

(3)

After 45 days…

“I won’t eat cereals. I won’t eat salad. I
won’t eat jam bread. I am bored of all this boring stuff. Why don’t
you learn to make something else? Don’t you love us? If you didn’t
have time for us then why you brought us here. You all are the
same” Little yelled at me.

“Baby it’s just………”

“Prim bring me some new games, I don’t have
any” Angel screeched utterly snubbing me which made Little
giggle.

“But Angel I have brought you two last week
only” I replied.

“Damn!! Lily is right!! You don’t even like
us, you just brought us here for your amusement.” Angel said
snapping the door behind as he left the house.

I was shaken and clueless for what to do
next, how to react, with my eyes filled with sour water, somehow I
composed myself and whispered “Lily…….”

But I was interrupted by her yell “Oh!
Please, now what (?) aren’t you happy enough!!?” she said and
followed Angel.

I was entirely clueless what I have done to
make them hate me so much. I utterly and irrevocably loved them, I
would do everything for them but the present circumstances were
getting out of my control. Every pint of my splintered soul was
crying to pounder them with every tiny wish they have ever dreamt
of, to saturate their life with divine happiness and even more than
that like they have living in a fairy tale, but life is certainly
not a fairy tale or possibly I was a wicked debauched bitch. I may
not have given birth to them physically but I loved them nothing
less than a real mother would have. There was a very unfathomable
and intense bond between us but it seemed like I need to prove
myself to them that the absence of the their attachment with my
umbilical cord and not giving birth to them, doesn’t mean I love
them any less, that my affection for them was mundane or selfish.
But they were not the same kids as they seemed when I first met
them.

It was one of those times when I was deep
into self-hatred. What I have done to my kids, I always cursed god
for taking my child away from me, for escaping me from the
uttermost honor of being a mother but now I was realizing I does
not deserved to be one. I tried so hard even before the beginning
to bring all pleasure that can lure a kid make them the luckiest of
their age, to make their wish come alive before the words can shape
it but I was a failure, I did nothing but hone their pain. I
started doing two jobs to give them happiness but money is never
enough cause our needs are endless, they grow faster than
fungi.

I was so much upset and broken, I called
Clay but he had already left for work, even if he had not he would
not have spoken to me, I know. I have made him hate me too. I even
do not understand what made him think that I will cheat on him,
that I do not want him in my life. It was so good between us but
what have I done, in hardly a month I have ruined my life and made
myself alone once again, the only difference being before all those
who loved me were killed, and now I have killed all the love I had.
Moon has always been the symbol of beauty serenity but it too has
spots …spots of life, cause every living soul makes mistakes and I
was no exception.

With an absent mind I left home for the
office, though I knew I would not be able to work like I have not
written a word for the about to approach deadline on my broken
laptop (Of course! Thanks to my kids). I was traumatized with the
web of life consuming me deliberately and excruciatingly piece by
piece, day and night. I was left with absolutely no hope for my
life and was just trying to gather some courage from the faces of
my kids who utterly hated me. But no matter how much they say they
hate or despise me, I was like a puppy, bouncing back for more just
so that I can be near them, loving and nurturing them.

(4)

“Happy birthday to you!!”

I was lost in the depths of dream world when
I woke up chaotically with the sound of the birthday song to find
myself sleeping on the floor of the living room, maybe while
vacuuming all the mess up. I looked up in utter amazement to find
Angel, Little and Clay with my favorite Chocolate - truffle cake.
In the series of events I have forgotten my birthday but they
remembered it.

I raised my upper eyelids widening my gaping
eyes and tears started rolling out but Clay held me and said “Not
today Prim! It is your day princess.” Clay kissed my cheeks and
gave me a laptop. I was so pleased and elated. My laptop broke last
week and I desperately needed one and at this moment it was the
most apt present possible.

The kids came to me and I knelt to hug them,
they said “Love you mom, this is for you.” I got so much touched by
their considerate gesture, it was surely my best birthday! My
little kids have brought me something, I was so enthusiastic to
open it. It was a writing software “WordsAlive– make your words
come alive!”

“Oh! Sweeties I love you both so much” I
said embracing them holding the tears of joy.

Sometimes it is not the surprise itself that
surprises us but the magic lies in being cared about, being
cherished and treasured and still be loved after everything.

But surprise is a short lived emotion not
more than a blink on the radar, I did not know how long it will
color my black and white life but today I will relish every single
color of it.

(5)

The submission date was approaching near and
I have not written a single word yet. I was feeling blank, nowadays
I was tired almost all the time as if I could never be at peace.
The most difficult task was to squeeze time from my hectic
schedule. I was working for almost 14 hours a day and the house
chores ate the rest time. I was not getting even enough sleep. Two
nannies have already left and finding another nanny was like
impossible now.

It was almost midnight, and I was lying on
my stomach in my bed with the quilts drawn right over my head like
a tent. I picked up the software kids have gifted me on my birthday
and played the DVD. I installed it and the message flashed “enjoy
your story with WordsAlive - make your words come alive”. The
interface was cool and flaccid, I have written hardly 90 words when
Angel and Little came shouting “Prim! We want to play game.”

“It’s quite late sweeties, go to your bed
else you would be late for school.” I said.

“Just one game then we will go to bed please
please please!!!” they said making puppy face leaving me with no
choice but to say yes.

After a series of games I was finally able
to make them to sleep.

I came back to my room so tired that my eyes
were dropping and my mind was blocked. I started writing again but
nothing made sense. I backspaced everything and all I can write was
“The Wicked Children”

There was a huge tornado going inside me but
I was totally cool, calm and collected at my exterior. I have
started losing my composure and I was repenting for the atrocious
vile day when I adopted them. Sometimes I wondered how it was even
possible. One minute they acts like perfect little angels and the
next they were bossing me around mercilessly, ignoring my advices
on any matter, or looking me squarely in the eye and swearing that
they have done nothing wrong, which is nothing more than a lie.
They lied to me on my face when they broke the laptop and when they
manipulated Clay without the slightest wrinkle of any regret or
remorse. They were one of those difficult child who can’t be mend
and I was like those evil emotionless and mean stepmother who
ill-treats her children.

I was full of hatred, for myself and for
everyone else as if I could never bestow them with enough, they
somehow find something or the other to blame me for, they were
totally insatiable. Their plutonic behavior, rudeness was wounding
me irreplaceably. There are some wounds so profound, so sore that
they inflict a lifelong psychological scar void of healing.

My fingers started typing themselves pouring
the immense pain stored inside my aching heart. I was suffering for
a love that was not worth it.

Finally I ended with “And she never saw them
again. The End”

(6)

I woke up with the buzzing alarm. As my
routine spoke I started doing my jobs. I freshened up, brushed my
teeth, cleaned the house carefully and prepared the breakfast.
Sometimes the best we can do is not ponder, not wonder, not
envisage, not obsess, just inhale and have faith that everything
will work out for the best. I was on the self-motivation clock
today. If I might have been a driver of my fate then I might have
moved the chariot of time in a different direction, but no one
writes their best or worst moments, moreover I loved the kids,
surely this love has become quite mundane recently but I wanted to
give it a new start.

It was quite late but Angel and Little still
did not came out of their room. I called them but got no reply. I
went to Angel’s room but he was not there, so I went to Lily’s room
afraid what had made them upset now.